Friday, May 20, 2011

Witz Pickz: The Rapture

(If it's on a bench, it must be true!)

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I--" am going to be VERY annoyed if I spend all day today at work and then the end of the world starts tomorrow. Only a truly vengeful God would have The Rapture on a Saturday.

According to excrutiatingly old Christian Radio Host, Harold Camping, tomorrow, May 21st, 2011, the oft belated Rapture will occur, and roughly 3% of the world's population will suddenly ascend to Heaven; heads looking up, middle-fingers pointed down at the rest of us, who will have five months of escalating doom to look forward to before we're all dead by October 21st. Some people believe that those raptured will die instantly, while others believe that they will simply disappear to go up to Heaven with God while the rest of us perish for our sins.

(Personally, I think it's going to look something like this)

First of all, no. I mean, MAYBE, but no. I guess it's just strange that regardless of whether it's The Rapture or just the end of the world at some point, that kind of thing can happen ON A SATURDAY. Not like, "On the 3rd rotation of the Earth's orbit around the solar plexus of the cloven-hooved demon planet," but like, "This Saturday." Something about that is anticlimactic. Also baffling is the timeframe for how The Rapture will go down. Is it just one ubiquitous moment around the world? Does it happen at 12:01am or 11:59 pm? According to the wikipedia entry, it will happen at 6pm local time wherever you are, because despite the universe being infinite, God's still on board with respecting our time zones. Day-drinking, anyone?

What I really don't understand is why it has to be a big end of the world scenario that follows. Why can't there be a middle ground, where all the people who believe get saved and everyone else gets Left Behind like Kirk Cameron, but in a world where things continue unabated, just with roughly 200 million fewer people? "Welp, we missed The Rapture, but at least these lines are a little shorter!" Why can't we just continue on in a world that's already pretty shitty most of the time? God should just be like, "Alright, well, I'm out-- you just keep on doing whatever it is you people do when I'm not around."

("Hi, I'm calling about my reservation for The Rapture...yes, I'll hold.")

Obviously, the problem with this is that it sounds like it was written by M. Night Shyamalan. Remember when he made that movie The Happening, when (uh, spoiler alert) the PLANTS were trying to kill us? Yeah, so-- THIS IS CRAZIER. Biblically old Harold Camping explains his theory as being a math equation based on numbers found in the Bible as well as numbers in The Bible which he claims have a figurative meaning. Is it just me or are adapted math equations never as good as the books they were based on? What makes this all the less believable is that this isn't even Harold's first time predicting The Rapture! Dude's already 0 for 1! He predicted The Rapture to be back in September of 1994, which he published in a book he titled 1994?. THE MAN PUT A QUESTION MARK IN THE TITLE! He claims that he was wrong due to a mathematical error, and just to be clear, he was already 73 years old when he came up with THAT math equation. As far as I'm concerned, he had his shot and blew it-- I don't see how anyone can still buy what he's selling.

("You only get one shot/do not miss your chance to blow/this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo...")

What do you do if you believe in The Rapture? Did they go to work this week, or month, or year? Did they give all of their things away? In one interview, Harold is asked if he gave all his money to charity and he replied something along the lines of, "You don't understand, it's not like that-- there won't BE charities once this happens!" that a no, then? If the guy who predicted this thing has a safety net, you know it's not happening.

Do they have a Rapture Party, and do they make that party a RAP-ture Party, with only hip-hop playing? Do they buy groceries, do laundry, or floss? Do they travel to the last time zone The Rapture is due to happen or do they travel to the first? You gotta figure a line's gonna form at Heaven's Gate (oops-- er, I mean...too soon?) and even if you are getting into Heaven, it's gotta suck to be the 199,998,957th person in line. Sometimes I don't get a bagel because there are six people in front of me. Was there a cutoff date for Rapture applications, like, "All Belief and Good Behavior must be submitted by May 1st," and after that deadline, can you do what you want, or is it an up to the minute decision?

Some people are concerned that believers who don't experience The Rapture will kill themselves after tomorrow, thinking that they missed the party. I guess my concern is that there are actually people worried about that happening-- it's called thinning the herd. People die everyday and if some of these folks cut their losses (read: wrists) because they put all of their faith in an 89 year old man with a microphone and poor guess-timation skills, then so be it.

I guess we'll have to just wait and see. Maybe it will happen. Maybe I'm wrong and the 3% minority is right that the end of days is upon us and Jesus is gonna swing by and pick them all up in his RV. Either way , I'll be drinking with my friends, and come Monday, if I'm not not back at work, it won't be because I'm skipping, it's because of The Rapture.

More Like "Judgement YAY!" Am I Right??,

P.S. Regardless of whether The Rapture happens, I bet the band The Rapture is feeling pretty psyched right about now. When they first formed, whoever came up with the title had to have said, "I know, it's kinda lame and really Christian, BUT The Rapture's predicted by someone every year or two, so we'll toootally get a million hits when people start searching!"