Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Witz Flix: Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps

(I love Shia's expression in this poster. Even he's not sure why he's making this movie.)

It's 5pm, I'm back home for the holidays, and I have exactly four hours to watch Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps before it is no longer available ondemand. You see, at 9pm last night, my parents paid money to watch this movie, and by all accounts, it was a disaster. So, how can I resist?

1 min: The movie opens with Gordon Gecko (Michael Douglas) getting out of jail and retrieving his belongings. He has a gold watch, an empty money clip and a huge old Zack Morris phone. Ironically, he was the one given a 20 year "time-out."

2 min: Oh, thank god, Shia The Beef is narrating. I guess Morgan Freeman was all booked up.

3 min: We cut to "7 Years Later," 2008. Opening sequence...I don't think it's ever too early to talk about the subtitle, "Money Never Sleeps." For a split second, it sounds acceptable, but then a little synapse pops and suddenly your head aches because it's SO FUCKING STUPID. Money never sleeps? Ohhhh, that's probably just because IT'S MONEY. You might as well call it: "Wall Street II: Cats Don't Play Jenga."

(or do they?)

5 min: Shia's in bed with Carrie Mulligan who is best known for creepily banging Peter Sarsgard (is there any other way) in An Education. She's Gordon's daughter. He's a preternaturally business-minded prodigy who's making an assload of cash. Like, Season Premier of The Biggest Loser assload.

6 min: David Byrne and Brian Eno did the soundtrack for Wall Street 2?? I can't imagine actively acquiring the Wall Street II Soundtrack.

8 min: It's definitely a problem that Wall Street: Money Rarely Naps can't exist without being compared to the original Wall Street because Shia's like a more hateable Charlie Sheen.

17 min: Shia owns and has been pushing a stock that's plummeting, but he refuses to give up on it. I know JUST how he feels-- I had to hang tough while my TWO shares of Chipotle stock plummeted from 130 to 70 a share. But look at it now: 230! All people are doing is eating burritos and playing on their iPads.

(Warning: Do not eat a burrito and then try dancing)

21 min: Josh Brolin's in this movie?? Was he NOT in a movie this past year?

23 min: I can't believe I'm having trouble understanding what's going on in Wall Street II: Money Stay-cations. Thanks a lot, creative writing degree.

27 min: Shia's investment firm had to be bailed out by the government after an extremely devestating week. They show his boss, who was rich, but is now broke, going into a subway station. "Oh, I see, they're showing how he has to take the subway now instead of a taxi because he's broke," I think. He has a confused expression on his face. "Oh, I see, it's been a while since he used the subway." He then charges forward and hops in front of the train. "Wow, it's been a REALLY long time since he's used the subway! He's really bad at it!" I think, and then realize he was committing suicide. Seriously guy, thanks for making everyone late. It's not like the 6 train is a hoot regularly.

29 min: Shia's now broke and getting married to Carrie Do-over. He goes to watch Gordon Gecko give a talk. Apparently, Gordon spent the last eight years in prison honing his financial humor. It's like going to see Bill Gates and hearing him open with, "More like 'Crapple,' am I right?"

38 min: "Oh, Money's a She, alright. She lies there at night, looking at you-- one eye open. Money's a bitch that never sleeps. And she's jealous and if you don't pay close, close attention, she might be gone forever." A few things here: 1) doesn't sleep, but still only keeps one eye open? That seems unnecessary, except that 2) If money doesn't sleep for 72 hours, it's legally insane. 3) Someone needs to tell Gordon Gecko about a savings account.

40 min: Shia is taking beef (see what I did there?) with whoever started the rumor which led to his mentor's downfall. He thinks it was Josh Brolin, so he's plotting revenge by causing a crash on one of Brolin's companies...or something like that. It sorta works and Josh Brolin offers him a job and he accepts so he can get closer to him.

46 min: Susan Sarandon is Shia's mom. Which I think means that Bull Durham is his father...

55 min: I wish Shia could TRANSFORM this movie into less of a piece of shit...

67 min: Shia's pushing this fusion energy company to some Chinese investors. He explains how the technology works, and, as far as I can tell, it's exactly the same as the Keanu Reeves/Morgan Freeman classic, "Chain Reaction." If I had to explain fusion technology I'd be like, "You push a button and the razor shakes."

71 min: BOOM!!! CHARLIE SHEEN CAMEO! I gotta be honest, it's all I've been hoping for since the movie started. And I'll tell ya, it's suuuper depressing. "Bud Fox" may have done the right thing in Wall Street, but he still looks like he's been arrested for numerous coked up incidents with prostitutes ever since.

74 min: "So easy even a cave man can do it, huh?" Gordon jokes about getting rich. Are they really referencing the Geiko Gecko? Not even Peter Dinklage could limbo under the bar Oliver Stone has set for this movie.

78 min: Carrie Mulligan always looks like she just farted and nobody else knows it yet:

85 min: The big stock market collapse happens, and we see a meeting with Josh Brolin and the feds discussing the bailout. "It's an economic Pearl Harbor," one commentator says, and I can't agree more. This movie is just as bad as the movie Pearl Harbor only it's about money.

86 min: Every time Oliver Stone is about to make a movie, he should stop and ask himself 1) Would this movie be better if Aaron Sorkin made it and 2) What if I just played Call of Duty instead?

90 min: I don't know how money does it-- I am exhausted!

98 min: Apparently, Carrie has 100 million in a Swiss bank that Shia didn't know about. Gordon wants him to have her sign the account over to Shia so Gordon can launder the money into the States for them. What do you think, is it a good idea, Mr. Peepers?:

105 min: As a character in a better movie said: "You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is, 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia.'" Instead of laundering the money and giving it to the fusion company like Shia expected, Gordon takes the money and runs, like everyone watching expected. Shia tells Carrie what happened and that he was hanging out with Gordon behind her back and lied to her so she kicks him out. Gordon starts a new investment firm in London. The most frustrating part is that I can't seem to find any sharp objects in this room to stab my eyes out with.

109 min: Easily the worst line I've heard in a long time. "Right now it is ugly times ugly-- and that's when the ugly get going." Yowzah. Who let Sling Blade edit the script? That line reads like the world's least creative madlib.

113: "See that's what you never got kid. It's not about the money, it's about the game. By which I mean the movie The Game, a vastly superior film to this movie, which makes G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra look like a work of cinematic brilliance."

118 min: Shia writes a story about how Josh Brolin and his firm did bad stuff-- honestly, I don't need to be more specific. Josh Brolin gets in trouble, but doesn't care, because he's starring in the remake of True Grit.

125 min: <---- THAT'S ONE-HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE: Gordon displays a moment of humanity and gives 100 million to the fusion company to make amends with Shia and Carrie. He wants to be a part of her life someday since she's having a baby (you can sell American babies for good money). Shia and Carrie get back together. Roll Credits. Fuck my life.

Sadly, no matter how many jokes I make about this movie, Life still has better comedic timing. Right after I finished watching, I flipped back to regular cable and saw this commercial, "What do you buy the guy who has everything? Wall Street II: Deluxe Edition. The Ultimate Gift." I imagine that if I bought Wall Street 2 for "The man who has everything," that man would open it and say, "The reason I have EVERYTHING ELSE and not Wall Street 2 is that it's fucking Wall Street 2. I'd have everything if I wanted it.

Wall Street 3: Money Spaces Out For a While,

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Witz Pickz: Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repealed - The Implementation in Three Phases

The restrictive military policy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” was officially repealed this morning. We are told, however, that the change will not be immediate and may take up to several months to implement. In fact, the Pentagon has an 87-page implementation plan for over the next few weeks. I assume the plan is as follows:

Phase 1: Don’t Ask, Just Hint

A classic example of policy lagging behind practice, this step eliminates the legal grey area. While you still can’t ask someone if they are a homosexual or not, you are now legally allowed to hint that you might be. For example, men: Try saying things like, “You smell great today!” or, “You make beige look fashionable.” Maybe listen to Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift so that others can hear. You are also now free to tell another man that, “You have a pretty face,” memorize and perform a Justin Bieber dance in the shower, or say you, “Feel so bad for Britney,” as long as you laugh mightily afterward. As phase one progresses, after giving another soldier a congratulatory ass-slap, feel free to throw in a wink.

For the female enlistees, we recommend the same type of hinting. Tell another female that you really like her military haircut or let it be known that you had that haircut long before you enlisted. Start listening to The Cranberries whenever possible. Say things like, “I’m no military scientist, but I’ve always enjoyed experimenting,” or simply, “I think guns are awesome, but I also love the WNBA.” (Note: While it might seem counterintuitive, gay men should not use this line; loving the WNBA does not mean you’re gay, it means you’re a middle-aged white man).

Phase 2: Keep Hinting, Vaguely Inquire

The most crucial of the phases, it is imperative that while you keep hinting and begin to express curiosity in others, you do not simply put someone on the spot regarding their sexuality. Now, we understand that our military has its well-established culture that is proven to create bonding in the ranks, so we are by no means asking that you stop casually throwing around hateful slang like, “fag, dyke, or queer.” We’re simply saying that you should not add, “Are you a,” before them quite yet.

If you feel the need to ask if someone is a homosexual, ask peripheral questions instead, such as, “Hey, did you guys get the latest issue of Details?”, “Anyone want to go watch Charlie St. Cloud with that charming Zac Efron with me?” or, “How great is Dr. Phil?” While it might seem subtle, asking, “Would you have sex with Penelope Cruz even though you’re a female? Like for reals??” is still not allowed during Phase 2.

While these vague inquiries are now acceptable, we would continue to urge our gay military men and women to simply use their built in Gay-dar. For you heterosexual personnel, a military grade Gay-dar app is now available for your smartphones—OR, simply look around for someone playing “Angry Birds.” While the aforementioned strategies of deduction are now legal, we continue to urge subtlety. Remember: sometimes you don’t need to ask, you can just tell.

Phase 3: Fine-- Ask, Go ahead and Tell

As this phase begins, you will officially and legally be allowed to ask about another soldier’s sexuality and be open about your own. No more forced lying or secret-keeping and no more restrictive legal reprimands when it comes to your sexual orientation. So, go ahead, tell other people that you’re gay if that’s what you want to do. And hell, fine, ask someone about their sexual orientation if you must. As long as you fine men and women of our military continue to serve America and make us proud, we legally no longer care if you are heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual (at least until a heavily Republican Congress votes to pass a new bill). God Bless America.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Witz Flix: Charlie St. Cloud

I know I promised Sex and the City 2 next, but the Netflix gods have delivered me Charlie St. Cloud and I'm considering that a holiday miracle. All I know about Charlie St. Cloud is that it's based on a book, it stars the charming and phonetically spelled Zac Efron, and it's about a boy who's brother dies, but the dead brother is really selfish about it. Let's jump in:

If you don't understand I'm going to spoil the plot twists for you, then you haven't been paying attention:

1 min: Oh boy. If you heart sailing and brotherly love, you're gonna shit yourself at this opening scene. Charlie and his younger brother, Sam, are in a sailboat race. The two sail to victory, fueled only by the wind, the sails, and the shine in Zac Efron's eyes.

("A schooner IS a sailboat!")

3 min: I don't see why he feels the need to abbreviate. Charlie Street Cloud is a great name.

5 min: Charlie's supposed to go to Stanford, but he's considering taking a year to earn some money for his family first. Ugh. I can't believe this is going to be ANOTHER movie about poor people who love sailing and go to Stanford. "You got in for fall, you go in the fall. You can't put life on hold, Charlie," his single-mom, Kim Bassinger, says. Meanwhile, the word "defer" sulks in the corner.

6 min: Cut to Charlie's high school graduation. Apparently, he's kind of a big deal. Wait, does this make Zac Efron 17 Again, AGAIN?

8 min: Charlie promises to spend 1 hour every day before he leaves for Stanford teaching Sam how to play baseball better. His mom rushes off for an extra night shift as an RN. Zac Efron sneaks out of the house. These are like the ABC's of how to make sure your sibling dies unexpectedly.

12 min: Sam catches Charlie leaving and asks him to get dropped off at a friend's house to finish watching the Sox game. They are waiting to make a left when the car behind them smashes into the bumper, sending them twisting forward. A truck coming from the other direction then lays on the horn. When simply honking for a long time doesn't work, the truck slams into the passenger side of the car. It was kinda like this:

13 min: Ray Liotta manages to zap Charlie back to life, but Sam's dead, which sucks for Charlie and his mom, but is huge for the movie having a major turning point.

15 min: Charlie thinks he sees Sam at the funeral and refuses to throw the baseball glove into the grave. He runs off into the woods where he sees his brother again. They talk and agree to meet every day to practice like Charlie promised. Man, the sequel to Ghost Dad is DARK.

17 min: "5 Years Later." Sam's headstone reads, "Taken too young. Alive in our hearts forever." So...he's got that goin' for him...

19 min: Oh, please. Charlie works maintenance at the cemetery which is like letting Barry Bonds work at a pharmacy.

24 min: I don't know how else to put this: Charlie sees dead people. And then he talks to them.

26 min: Charlie heads off into the woods and has a catch with Sam's Ghost, which is all well and crazy except I want to see how it's happening in real life. Is he chucking the ball and then walking over to get it? Does he have a sack of balls that he's just throwing into the bushes? This is like a really low-budget Field of Dreams.

("His name is Sam and I love him very much...")

29 min: Charlie runs into Ray Liotta again, the paramedic who saved his life.

Ray: Wanna grab a cup of coffee? Catch up?
Charlie: Oh, I can't man, I gotta go back to work...
(read: "Oh, I can't man, that's creepy as shit.")

The two go to get coffee:

Charlie: You're sick.
Ray: Yeah...I got the Big C...

Seems like a weird time to brag about your penis size, but-- OHHHHHHH! THAT C. Well, that's just much worse, isn't it?

32 min:
Ray: God gave you a second chance. God doesn't just show off-- there has to be a reason. Don't squander this gift you've been given!

WAIT, second chance-- does that mean that Zac Efron was 17 Again, Again, AGAIN!? And since when doesn't God show off? What about Mt. Everest, and Double Rainbows, and Salma Hayek?

36 min: There's exactly one black guy in this movie, and he's a rich douchebag. "Hey, didn't you used to be Charlie St. Cloud?" He mocks, and then, when Charlie won't take a shot of something he says, "Relax. It's not like you're in high demand as a designated driver." Charlie punches him in the face, which is finally a victory for poor white kids over rich black kids everywhere...

38 min: Charlie goes down to the boats and sees The Girl, Tess. Apparently, his reason for getting a second chance at life is to hookup with the girl from Sex Drive. Wait, you guys didn't see Sex Drive? Seth Green's finest role. Anyway, The Girl is going on a race around the world.

44 min: Seriously, though, why does Zac Efron spell his name like a vanity license plate? Zack Ephron or Zak Effron-- those are the choices.

52 min:
Charlie: According to Sammy, our father played for the Red Sox.
Tess: Did he?
Charlie: No! He tried out for the triple A team in Pawtucket. That's the last we saw of him...

And that man's name was Wade Boggs.

55 min: Charlie has Tess over for dinner and just goes for it, kissing her up against the wall. She says she can't because she's leaving soon for her big around the world race and leaves. Then, she knocks on the door and says, "Come find me!" and runs off into the graveyard, you know, like people do. He finds her and they bang in the cemetary?? This whole movie would be way cooler if they had gotten Trent Reznor do the soundtrack.

62 min:
Charlie: The more I'm in your world, the less I can be in his.
Tess: Charlie, at some point, we all have to let go.

Sam's Ghost has to be the cock-blocking-est ghost of all time. Although, I could totally see Casper always showing up at the worst possible time and being all, "Hey, what are you guys up to?" There's a line between "friendly" and "highly intrusive."

66 min: Whaaaat? Check this potentially illogical twist out: Tess's boat went missing three days ago, so alllll the time she's spent with Charlie has been as a ghost. Which raises numerous questions, the most important of which being, "Who or what did Charlie St. Cloud bone in the graveyard???"

68 min: "Why are you the only one who can see me, Charlie?" The only way to answer that is, "Have you seen The Sixth Sense? I'm like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense." Oh, shit! Spoiler Alert! Does anyone NOT know about the ending to The Sixth Sense at this point? If you don't, I'd also like to let you know that Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Söze!

70 min: Why wasn't Zac Efron Spiderman? He's like Tobey Maguire, if Tobey Maguire had charisma, a personality, and a body that could process gluten. I know Zac was in all the High School Musical movies, but he was also in an episode of Firefly, so he deserves SOME cool credit.

80 min: Charlie goes to search for Tess and her sailboat and isn't able to meet Sam in the woods. Sam waits for him and then walks away from the clearing and disappears into the light. Ease his pain, Charlie.

82 min: They find Tess's boat. Charlie dives into the water to find her. He almost drowns, whacks his head on a rock, and then stumbles onto a small rock cropping where he finds her body. He opens her clothes and moves against her. It's probably to provide warmth ala Ben Affleck and that old guy in The Voyage of the Mimi, but after that whole graveyard ghost-sex fiasco, it's a bit awkward:

Charlie: (taking off her clothes) Five minute rule!
Coast Guard: Sir, she's been dead for seventy-two hours.
Charlie: Alright, fine then, SEVENTY-TWO HOUR rule.

89 min: Tess survives, Charlie survives, and Charlie buys a boat to sail around the world, but the movie still ends like an advertisement for suicide:

Charlie: Sorry I had to break our deal.
Sam: It was time. I mean, it's beyond anything we ever imagined, Charlie!
Charlie: I hurt as bad as the day you died.
Sam: You hurt because you're alive.

"Suicide: Way Better."

93 min: And Roll Credits; on the movie, on your life, whatever. If we learned one thing here today, it's not that we must make the most of the time we have on this planet, it's that if you're very good-looking, you can be batshit crazy and not only will girls not care, but you'll get to bang ghosts, too.

Weirdest High School Musical Yet,

Monday, December 13, 2010

Witz Pickz: Catching Up

Has it been a month already?? Whew! Time flies when you have crippling writer's block. Here's a rundown of what's gone on since I last posted:

We kept things simple this year-- my parents, my sister, and my grandma. It was much like any other family meal only this time, it was as if my mom asked, "Hey, for dinner tonight, I was thinking we could have 14 different things, how do you feel about that?"

"Can we all feel like we're gonna die afterward?"
"You bet."
"Well, then that sounds great. What's for dessert?"
"I was thinking pumpkin pie. And cheesecake."
"That sounds reasonable."
"Also, I was thinking we could have the same foods for the next five meals..."
"...I like it-- it's what I imagine homeless people would do if they finally got wealthy."

We then went and did exactly what the Pilgrims did after the first Thanksgiving-- we watched Avatar. That movie might be exactly like Ferngully and tell the most obvious, redundant lesson of all time, but I didn't get bored and the graphics WERE stunning. I could have done without the gross, maggot looking tail hook-up to achieve, ahem, "connection" with nature, but whatever. Oh, and I know I'm way behind on this one, but "unobtainium?" Shut your silly, CGI face. James Cameron definitely forgot to go back and "Find/Replace." Still, the best part was after watching the movie for three hours, we asked my Grandma what she thought. "Oh, I realllly liked it! Why was it called Avatar, though?"

So, what did I learn this Thanksgiving? That apparently, I'm the guy who, after eating a huge Thanksgiving meal at 4pm, looks around at 11pm and says, "I need dinner."

Black Friday:
My mom teaches English in an allegedly reputable middle school. Her student:

"Why do they call it 'Black Friday?' Shouldn't they call it 'African-American Friday?'"

It wasn't a joke. This is why we're all gonna die. As for myself, I spent African-American Friday doing a little shopping-- not so much because I needed anything, but because I like to remember how horrific humanity can be. "Now that we're all well fed from Thanksgiving, let's go trample each other so we can get a red Wii and fake bowl."

I hit up Best Buy because, "I can get things I ordinarily wouldn't have spent ANY money on for 45% off!!" and then went to Old Navy. With all the options out there and with limited time to shop, going to Old Navy on Black Friday really makes you stop and take a good look at yourself. Their pants are ordinarily, like, 30 bucks. Their shirts are maybe 20 bucks, and everything else tends to clock in around 10. I'm not saying it's shitty stuff, and I own more Old Navy than I'd like to divulge, but it's kind of like shopping The Salvation Army on yellow tag day. As I stood there, staring at the extremely long line, holding a 3 dollar ringer-tee (marked down from 6!) and a pair of 2 dollar boxers (marked down from 4!!), it suddenly struck me that I must have something more important to do. I put down the clothes and walked out to my car. I hopped in, started the engine, pulled out with purpose, took a deep breath of crisp New England air, and that's when it struck me: I had absolutely nothing more important to do. So, I went to Kohl's. Don't judge me.

I might not go to synogogue, I haven't been to a Passover seder in at least five years, and it may have felt weird and uncomfortable to wear a yarmulke* at my friend's wedding recently, but I spell "Chanukkah" with a "C" and two "K's" so BACK OFF, I'M JEWISH. I had told my girlfriend that for Chanukkah, we usually got seven crappy gifts and then one good gift on the last night, so, when we celebrated on the second night, she gave me a stick of Burt's Bees lip balm and a bar of chocolate. "Because you said you get crappy gifts for Chanukkah!" she explained sheepishly. The next day my sister IMed me: "For Chanukkah last night, Mom gave me a bag of chocolates and some chapstick." Amazing. Somebody owes somebody a coke.

Ironically, while the oil may have lasted eight days longer than those old men originally anticipated, our box of Chanukkah candles ran out with two days left.

*(A "ya-ma-ka" for those of you who immediately thought, "What the shit is a Yar-mul-kle!?")

Quotes-- I couldn't rob you of these gems:

"Here's a good call from Netflix: based on my interest in 30 Rock and The Office, they suggest....Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State. Second time they've suggested it. It goes: SNL, South Park, Auschwitz, Reno 911." -My Sister


"And to put that in perspective of how retarded I was at that age, that was the same time period when I read The Giver and it changed my fucking world. I remember being up at midnight, and I walked into my parents' bedroom and I said, 'Mom. I need to change my Life!!'...And then she asked if I wanted to play video games and I said yes, of course I did. I had the chance to make something of myself, and instead, I played the Blade Runner computer game. It was four discs and I never even got out of the apartment. Ya know what the worst part is? I hadn't even seen the movie! So, I had absolutely no context for this game!" -The Brilliant A.T.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Ability to Write Back...or Gran Turismo 5,

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Witz Flix: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I haven't seen the new(ish) live action G.I. Joe movie because everyone I know who saw it said it was terrible. Turns out, everyone I DON'T know who saw it also said it was terrible. It got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a hearty 3% WORSE than Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Netflix believes I will give it 1.4 stars. That sounds like a challenge. "Yo Joe..."

1 min: Take a minute and guess any number of ways the G.I. Joe movie starts...I don't think any of us saw, "France - 1641" coming.

2 min: This dude of the Clan McCullen tried to kill the King of France or something, which didn't go well, and now they're putting a red hot metal Iron Man looking mask onto his face. It's kind of like in the movie The Mask, but he's a bit less excited about it and instead of super powers, he gets the worst pain he's ever felt in his entire life. Side note: This is bafflingly not what the Leonardo DiCaprio movie, "Man in the Iron Mask" was about.

3 min: "In the not too distant future..." C'mon movie, go out on a limb and tell me when this thing is taking place. It's not like 2011 is gonna happen and I'm going to say, "That movie was totally wrong about when The Rise of Cobra happens!"

4 min: Just when you thought bed bugs were a problem, some Scottish guy invents Nanomites-- they're tiny metal bugs that eat everything from cancer cells to metal and buildings. Anyway, they're being loaded into warheads and shipped to NATO. If they're anything like my mail, they won't ever arrive. (I'm actually pretty sure that my super elderly landlord has been taking some of my mail either by accident or for his own entertainment. Two floors above me, an eighty-five year old Italian man is wearing a Tim Riggins t-shirt, reading a postcard from my girlfriend, and watching I Love You, Beth Cooper.)

5 min: Marlon Wayans! Just when you thought he couldn't make a better movie than Little Man, he's back in action alongside Channing Tatum. They're in charge of moving the weapons.

8 min: The convoy is attacked by some "Never Before Seen" aircraft, but it looks a whole lot like the ship from that game Descent (remember Descent?). It's killin' everyone, but Tatum (character is Duke) and Wayans (Ripcord) are evading it so far. Just imagine you're playing Halo. It's like that.

10 min: "OoOOoo, it's a laaady..." and a bunch of foot soldiery lookin' dudes.

13 min: The lady is Sienna Miller, Channing and her seem to have dated, a mysterious military unit shows up, and together they fight off the bad guys and retain the weapon. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'm supposed to be excited because I recognize the different G.I. Joe characters from my youth, but unless one of them is "Guy Who's Legs Spin Around Because the Rubber Band is Busted" I'm afraid I don't remember.

14 min: I think it's important to note that Sienna has the same glasses that my dad had-- she can make them change from sunglasses to clear glass and back again.

16 min: Dennis Quaid (General Hawk) shows the two their super-sneaky-secret base in the desert, which is not entirely unlike the sandbox where mine sometimes existed. He explains the G.I. Joe unit: "When all else fails, we don't," which sounds like the slogan for an abortion clinic. Hawk continues, "We take all the best soldiers from all the best units in the world,"...and also hot chicks, apparently. It looks like the recruiting pool for Sterling Cooper secretaries in there.

17 min: Dennis Quaid says, "We need to find out all we can about her (referring to Sienna Miller who tried to steal the weapons). KNOWING is half the battle." Even he sounds pained delivering such an expected line. He then goes straight to The Wikipedia for answers.

19 min: The Scottish guy, McCullen, who invented the weapon is also the one trying to steal the weapon. In unrelated news, the Republicans took back the House of Representatives recently because people were upset about the bad economy...

22 min: A scientist guy who may or may not be Keanu Reeves invented Neo-Vipers, which are humans turned into military drones who feel no fear, pain, or moral issues. "The real world application for them is endless," Maybe Keanu says. Finally, someone we can pay less than illegal immigrants to do the horrific jobs nobody wants to do...Also, now that he's injured, I give Michael Vick two weeks before he has Neo-Vipers fighting each other in his backyard.

27 min: 4 Years Ago, Duke proposed to Sienna and she said yes. AND JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT WAS THERE??? 3rd Rock From the Sun is Sienna's brother, apparently.

30 min: Training montage in their new Joe suits, which make you, "Run faster, jump higher, and hit harder." Oh, I see. I didn't realize G.I. Joe were big cheaters. Bud Selig's gonna allow it.

31 min: HAHAHA, Brendan Fraser just showed up! This is certainly a Blast From the Past!

39 min: Sienna et al break in and grab the warhead. A big fight ensues, but everybody survives-- sorry, I mean, everybody important survives-- a shiiiit ton of soldiers we don't know got totally effed up in the process.

41 min: Aaaand we're flashing back 20 years to when Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes met. They were kids and Snake Eyes was poor and stole some food. Storm Shadow caught him and the two fought until Storm Shadow's dad broke it up and they eventually took Snake Eyes in. That reminds me: Did ANYONE see the new Karate Kid movie??

46 min: So the Scottish guy still has the iron mask from his distant relative and is going to unleash one of the warheads on Paris because he hasn't forgotten what the french did to his great-great-great-great-whatever. It's a bit much.

51 min: Apparently, Channing Tatum's dreams are vivid expository narratives from his past, so we now know that Sienna's brother, the kid with the abnormally long neck from Inception, was blown up in East Africa during a military mission involving Channing and Marlon. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't killed and is actually the evil scientist working for McCullen who looks like Keanu Reeves...

54 min: Sienna and Storm Shadow bring the warheads to a lab in Paris where they have them "weaponized"-- which apparently means having them spin around while a laser shoots at them for a while-- good to know this movie is following the same scientific accuracy as Human Centipede. Just as they're leaving, the Joe team shows up.

55 min: HAHAHA, "Snake Eyes, catch that hummer!" someone shouts and Snake Eyes hops out of the van and starts running robotically after a speeding vehicle. It's hilarious because of how he looks running after the vehicle, and because the phrase, "I'm gonna go catch a hummer," needs to be a thing.

65 min: A ten minute chase just ensued without any characters being killed. The warhead blew up the Eiffel Tower and released the Nanomites, but Duke hit the disarm button that Sienna had and stopped the city from being destroyed. I'm not entirely convinced this movie respects my time.

66 min: Duke got taken, the rest got arrested. They're all, "We're the good guys," which is true, but to be fair, I'm pretty sure they broke a few laws along the way.

78 min: The team is set free and goes to rescue Duke and get the warheads. McCullen is going to transform Duke into one of those Neo-Vipers and Sienna's not entirely sure how she feels about it. And to think that I used to believe only TNT knew drama...

82 min: And boom goes the dynamite: the creepy scientist IS Joseph Gordon Levitt, Sienna Miller's brother. The Joe's are oscar mike to rescue Duke and stop the missiles from being launched. As they arrive the missiles are launched and Ripcord goes off in some plane he found to try and stop them. I know this is boring and unfunny, but I wanted to give you a little window into what I'm dealing with.

(JGL, 3rd Rock From the Sun glory)

87 min: Sienna Miller saves Duke and is then "shut down" by her brother who put Nano-mites in her dome piece. I'd like to hear Kanye West rap about Nanomite technology. McCullen runs in and Duke pulls a gun on him. The scientist holds the iPad looking device with the destruct button on it for Sienna's brain. It's a standoff.

89 min: The Joe's and the army are assaulting the base. I just noticed that Snake Eyes's armor has pecs and abs, which seems both entirely unnecessary and absolutely the way to go. I'd tell the G.I. Joe Tailor, "I for sure want the abs and pecs..aand while you're at it, let's throw in a Greg Oden cock in the pant armor, thanks." The outline of a huge penis chiseled into your armor would definitely throw your enemy off a split second long enough to have the advantage.

92 min: Duke shoots McCullen as McCullen shoots at him, which somehow sets McCullen on fire. The scientist goes flying from the blast and drops the controls to Sienna's brain. Duke grabs it and bafflingly knows exactly what to push to deactivate her little techno-coma. He then checks in on foursquare.

94 min: McCullen and the scientist escape in a sporty little submarine and Duke and Sienna follow them in one of their own. They are being chased and as they all zoom through underwater tunnels firing at each other, I realize that this whole scene is totally ripping off the Body Wars ride at Epcot.

96 min: Snake Eyes and Snow Shadow are locked in an epic battle-- and by "epic" I mean, "time consuming." (99 min: Snakes Eyes finally kills Snow big whoop.)

97 min: Ok, so Ripcord shot down the first missile in his plane, which it turns out used the command code "fire" in CELTIC, which the smart Joe girl figured out and told him over the radio. NOW, he goes to fire at the second missile and says the word again no problem. There's a lot of unrealistic shit in this movie, but this is the most unrealistic of all. There is zippy chance Ripcord remembered the "fire" command in celtic while zooming at hundreds of miles an hour chasing a missile from Eastern Europe to Washington DC.

100 min: Hehe, McCullen angrily says, "Kill them all! Detonate THE ICE PACK!" which if you aren't paying attention sounds alright, but if you realize he just said "ice pack" it's pretty funny. Everyone's screaming, "Look out for the ICE PACK!" The Joe's are all like, "Pull back! The ICE PACK IS BLOWN!" I'd be screaming, "Don't get the goopy chemical gel on you! I've pulled lots of muscles, but I'm still unclear on whether or not that's bad!!"

104 min: Wow, that's a whole lotta CGI sinking into the ocean. I've also really wanted to make a, "More like C.G.I. Joe!" joke this whole time, but I also read that same quip in a review halfway through watching this so I feel unoriginal.

106 min: What the scientist guy has in technological brilliance, he totally lacks in nicknaming ability. He injects McCullen with Nanomites which turn his face into an iron mask instead of burned flesh. "James McCullen is no more. You are DESTRO!" he declares. He then puts on his own mask and says, "And you can call me COMMANDER!" Destro and Commander? They sound like strippers at a gay club in Pittsburgh.

107 min: The two villains are surrounded by Duke and the Joe army and are arrested. "This is just the beginning," Cobra Commander declares, to which Duke replies, "I'll be waiting for you." Seriously?? Three strikes in California and you're going to jail for drug posession, but Cobra Commander and The Guy Who Tried To Kill EVERYONE might make parole???

109 min: Ohhhh shit! The disguise guy is The President! Wait, did I mention disguise guy? My bad. So, there's this bad guy who's really into disguises. Like, he had a laser shoot him in the face and reconfigure his face cells to look like someone else. If someone asked, "So what are you into?" I imagine he'd reply, "I'm pretty into disguises." Anyway, at the end of the movie, he's the President, which would have been a GREAT TWIST, except it was really obvious the whole way through that he would end up being The President...oh-- of the United States, not like...of Walmart or Boston College or something. Which I suppose YOU didn't see/read coming, sooo.....TWIST!

110 min: And roll credits. Another successful children's toy brought to the big screen...gah. I'm a little offended Netflix OVERestimated my 1.4 star rating. Regardless, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A LEGOS MOVIE?? And why did they call this movie "The Rise of Cobra?" At best it's "The Rise and Fall of Cobra," or just, "G.I. Joe: Well, Now There's A Group Known As Cobra..." I don't get it. BUT DON'T WORRY, there's a sequel in the works. How bad does a movie have to be to NOT get a sequel? I'll explore that question and more when I watch "Sex and the City 2" for you all next week.

Say It Ain't So, Joe,

Friday, October 29, 2010

Witz Pickz: Halloween Costume Do's and Don't's This Year

Halloween is on Sunday, which means anyone deamed too old and/or creepy for trick or treating will be celebrating on Saturday. If you're anything like me, you wait until the very last minute to get a costume together, so I've decided to post some sexy ideas and some costumes to avoid this All Hallow's Eve Eve.

5 Costumes to Make Sexy This Year:

When did we decide to call these costumes "sexy" versions instead of "slutty" versions? Nobody says, "That girl's really sexy-- she blew the entire football team." I guess it's marketing, and, let's be honest, it doesn't matter what you call it, Halloween's the best show of creative nudity outside of New Orleans.

1) Sexy BP Oil Spill: Nobody is pro-oil spill, so you won't run into any controversy with this one. Throw on a a low cut, belly-button exposing top with some short shorts, douse yourself with Hershey's syrup and you're good to go. Add a syrup doused stuffed fish or bird for good measure. For best results, add a very specific detail to the costume and you'll be showing the world not only your body, but that you're literate, too.

2) Sexy Carl Paladino: Put the "uber date" back in "gubernatorial candidate" with this sexy costume. With the election coming up on Tuesday, this costume is ripped from the headlines. Simply wear a shirt and tie, but sexy it up however you see fit. Remember guys: having your dick out is NOT sexy, it's a felony.

3) Sexy Time: Wear some enticing, revealing clothes and a clock around your neck and once you get past all the Flavor Flav references, you can reveal that you're "Sexy time! Get it!?" Nothing gets a conversation started better than sounding like an Austrian making english language innuendo.

4) Sexy Trader Joe: This one is great because you can go as the traditional Trader Joe OR you can choose to go as Trader Jose, Trader Giotto, or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, Trader Ming. No matter who you choose, make sure you make it sexy-- it will distract from the fact that, much like the products, the costume is vaguely racist.

5) Sexy Katherine Heigl: Hehehehe, get it? Because she's awful and unappealing. Feel free to be creative with this one-- Sexy Justin Long, Sexy Seth Rogen, Sexy Morgan Freeman, etc, etc...

5 Costume DON'T's this All Hallow's Eve Eve:

Two years ago, everyone and their dead celebrity crush went as The Joker for Halloween, and, let's be honest, it was borderline embarrassing to hear that seventh person ask, "Why so serious?" as if they were the first person to think of it. Here are some costumes to avoid this year.

1) Double Rainbow/Double Rainbow Guy - Just don't do it. Seriously. Even Sexy Double Rainbow is gonna be redundant no matter which party you go to. Besides, you're gonna get super sick of having everyone come up to you saying, "Whoooah, Double Rainbow! What does it mean!?" We get it, you watch Youtube videos. The only way this costume is acceptable is if you and your preferably gay partner are each a single rainbow and when people ask what you are, you both start making out, thus combining into a double rainbow. Twist.

2) Precious: The costume based on the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. I know, it's great in theory, but nothing good will come of it (especially if you go as Sexy Precious). If you're white and dress up like Precious, you're really dressing up as a racist, and if you're black and dress up like Precious, you're just making fun of fat girls who have been raped. So...pass.

3) The Prophet Mohammed - For those of you not familiar with Danish cartoons, just take my word for it-- it's still a bad idea. If you must get your religion on, the ever popular Jesus, or Moses, or Joseph Smith, or Buddha, or the lesser utilized L. Ron Hubbard are all still acceptable options. I realize Moses is not the Jewish deity, but do you have any idea what Yahweh looks like? I sure don't. Oo-- that gives me another sexy idea: Sexy afikoman.

4) The Jersey Shore Cast Member: There are going to be thousands of The Situations this Halloween, so don't be that guy. Your abs aren't as good and it's going to get awkward the more you show people yours. If you must make a Mike The Situation costume, do something creative with it like, "The Hypothesis: My abs are ok, but if I worked out more and ate less pizza, I think I could have a great six-pack." If you're desperate to show dudes your boobs and underwear, go as Snookie, and if you want to be boring and redundant, go as Ronnie and Sami. I guess if you can get an entire group of people to go as the entire cast, that could be pretty well done. Make sure to kick whoever dresses up as Angelina out of the group part way through the night...


5) Insane Clown Posse: Honestly, I can't decide if this is a great or terrible costume idea. Taking cues from the "Miracles" song/video, there are a plethora of options for props and references. You could carry magnets while looking quizzical, rock a t-shirt that says, "Fuck Scientists," or just find some way to work in "crows" and "ghosts." On the other hand, if there are a hundred ICP jokes running around, you might look lame. If you want to go as ICP, maybe skip their born-again wonderment references of "Miracles" and go back to some of their less subtle classics like, "I Stuck Her With My Wang," "Bugz On My Nutz," or the straight forward tune, "Imma Kill U."

(Not just a clever name...)

It's Never Too Late For Sexy Strom Thurmond,

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Marketing For Dummies

"Trader Joe's Super Soft Bath Tissue has the power to make your anxieties melt away. It's super soft, living up to its name, and guaranteed to bring a smile with every use. Don't take our word for it. Take this miracle roll home and try it!"

First of all, false. It's not super soft, it's more like the roll of recycled toilet paper that my parents have in their house. Apparently, my parents are trying to make up for the fact that their generation is leaving my sister and I with looming armageddon by only buying toilet paper that feels like it was peeled right off a birch tree.

(Seventh Generation-- so named because when you wipe your ass with it, your great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids will feel the pain.)

Second of all, if I'm smiling while wiping my ass, something's very wrong. There's a time and a place for smiles and laughter and it's not while my hand is navigating dangerous spatial relationships via my mind. And what's this guarantee? Can I walk into a Trader Joe's, hand them the empty packaging and say, "Yeah, so, this didn't tickle my anus or bring joy to my heart, where's my money?" It's not a miracle roll, it's some dead trees that have been put in the unfortunate position of being on the business end of our business ends. Wait, is that what Fern Gully was about?

Speaking of toilet paper, the Denny's marketing has been annoying me for a while now. They keep advertising this 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu where each item is either two dollars, four dollars, six dollars, or eight dollars. Wait, so you have a list of items that range in value from two to eight dollars? You know what that's called? A MENU! You just have a regular menu. I can't imagine Moons Over My Hammy have gotten adjusted much for inflation since my last visit so stop trying so hard-- if someone makes the decision to eat at Denny's, they're gonna do it regardless of your marketing. That goes double if they're ordering this:

Yyyup. That's a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks inside. You bet your ass I want one, but I have two little devils on my shoulders named "Shame" and "Restraint" so I'm not gonna have one. And, in case you were wondering, yes, this is why other countries hate us.

Finally, if you're anything like me (don't worry, I won't tell anyone), you watch a lot of shows on Hulu. Lately, they've been showing ads before the shows and during commercial breaks with a little choice at the top corner asking, "Is this ad relevant to you?" Oohhohoho Boy! As far as Hulu is concerned, I'm a middle-aged closeted gay pacific islander who's afraid to talk about HIV within my community, who drives a mini-van, uses swiffer mops, is against bringing your own bag to the supermarket, HATES wheat thins and doesn't want anything to do with cotton. THAT'S who's watching 30 Rock.

I hope this post is as useful to you as my Old Dogs post was to this person, who is totally, obviously, completely not a spammer in India being paid mere cents an hour to push terrible American products:*

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Witz Flix: Old Dogs":
Good dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information.

Just glad I could help you with your "college assignment," Anonymous! I know those Old Dogs papers can be rough, but you sound like you have it all figured out. Just remember to site as a reputable internet source.

Get 2, 4, 6, or 8 Decent Jokes For the Same Low Price,

*I also deny any involvement in such a job while working down in Austin one summer. A note to those in that position: When using cut and paste, it's important to pay at least a little attention, so as not to accidentally refer to electric wheelchairs as go-karts. Apparently, that angers some people who's parents recently passed away and are selling their stuff on ebay.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Witz Flix: Dear John

"What would you do with a letter that changed everything?" the tag line asks. Uh, I dunno...scan it and store it for perpetuity? Read it while listening to Queen's We Are the Champions? Eat it? Get super frustrated because the letter is so important and yet I'm still COMPLETELY ILLITERATE (twist!)? Who's to say?

It's no secret that I like The Notebook. I even saw The Time Traveler's Wife because I thought it was based on a Nicholas Sparks book (it's not. He'd never sink to including womb hopping, time fetuses). So when I heard about Dear John, I thought, "Sure, it SOUNDS terrible, but maybe it'll be alright, like Cambodian sandwiches, or tofuti, or Zach Ephron and the Seattle Seahawks. As always, there's only one way to find out:

0 min: Hm, the production company is called "Screen Gems." I don't know much, but one thing I've learned over the years is this: they're not all gems.

1 min: Channing Tatum is in the army. Tatum!? I hardly even know 'em!

2 min: Voiceover time. He's comparing himself as a soldier to coins he saw in a mint when he was little. Still, you can't say, "My ridges have been rimmed," and not expect a little giggle.

3 min: "When I was shot...right before everything went black, you wanna know the last thing that entered my mind? You." Wait, ME?? I feel like this is that Simpson's bit:

"Only WHO can prevent forest fires? You have selected 'you', referring to 'me.' That is wrong. The correct answer was 'me,' referring to 'you.'"

It cuts to Channing Tatum surfing where he sees Amanda Seyfried. She's hanging out with-- HOLY SHIT! SIX! IT'S JASON STREET FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! AND HE'S WALKING AGAIN! WOOOOOO! I'm gonna be so pissed if Channing steals QB 1's girlfriend.

4 min: What the fuck Channing? Streeter knocks Amanda's bag into the water and runs around to go get it for her. Channing just dives off the pier and grabs it. Then, he ignores Street (who can run and swim again!) and just walks up to Amanda and hands her the bag. What a Douche-bag Retriever. And her name is Savannah?? Slllllllut. I wonder if it's because she's kinda hot, her hair always looks droopy, and I bet she goes crazy on St. Patty's Day.

6 min: Savannah invites Channing-- who's name is John by the way if you didn't follow The Clever-- back to a bbq at her place. Street is giving him shit and being kind of a dick, but to be fair, John IS trying to bang his girlfriend, and a dozen.

8 min: "You ever notice how big the moon is when it's rising, and how little it is when it's up in the sky?" I hate you.

9 min: "Yeah, but it's only perspective," he replies, "It doesn't matter where it is in the sky, or where you are in the's never bigger than your thumb." Man, the extremely-attractive really can say whatever they want and get away with it, huh? But seriously, movie, I get it, you're gonna reference the moon later when they're apart, move on. "Where'd you learn that?" she asks, because he's so good-looking, that constitutes learning. "I dunno," he replies, "Somewhere..." Translation: Uhh, yeah, so I just made that shit up because as long as I'm stringing even vaguely relevant words together, I'm pretttty sure I'm gonna see you naked tonight.

10 min: How didn't I notice that Channing has a goatee-- nay, a "bro-tee?" It's the Ed Hardy shirt of facial hair.

12 min: So there's this guy and his kid and they're "practically family" with Savannah. It's really really unclear at this point if the kid's supposed to be CUTE or DISABLED. I just like to know if I'm laughing WITH someone or AT someone (I mean, I'm still gonna laugh). I'll say this, though: he's no Jae Head. That kid's got the lockdown on cute. If Jae Head and Bobb'e J. Thompson (little black kid in Role Models) teamed up, they'd make millions.

17 min: John's dad is showing Savannah his coins...which isn't a euphamism. "He had his coins and change purse just hangin' out there!"

22 min: Aaand they're already kissing in the rain (he went with, "Well, you scare me," which did the trick). You're better than this, Nicholas Sparks. Also, and this has Big Love written all over it, she doesn't smoke, curse, have sex, or drink. I'm gonna go ahead and make the joke that my friend C-Murder would make: "Yeah, that's because she looks like she has fetal alcohol syndrome."

23 min: John and Savannah falling in love know, John Savannah would be a cool name...and Savannah John would be a singer or BBQ joint...but separately, those names are crappy.

24 min: So fuck Jason Street then, I guess?

28 min: Hahaha, great ways to ruin a relationship-- call someone's dad autistic when he's not. "Are you calling my dad retarded?" John yells. P.S. The little boy IS autistic.

30 min: Nice! John just went all G.I. Joe on the beach and punched a bunch of people. To be fair, it's easy to confuse guys on a beach with Cobra Commander.

32 min: It's gonna be really funny if his dad actually is autistic and went undiagnosed. That would mean that someone dated, married, and had a kid with an autistic guy and never thought somethin' might be up.

34 min: "Dear John..." (THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!!!) "That's all it took. That's all it took to fall in love with you. Now we have a year apart. But what's a year apart when we had two weeks like that together." Two weeks!? I'm not sayin' I watched The Real World this season, but Savannah shouldn't be making the same mistakes Sahar did with Pablo. Don't judge me like that-- I'm researching a role called Seven Tweens Again, where seven people in their late 20's magically turn back into tweens and have to fit in. I'm a method actor.

38 min: They're writing a lot to each other, but c'mon, how necessary is an extended "how letters travel" sequence? It's mail, I get it. How come this dude is getting mail in war ravaged, zero-infrastructure countries, but two Netflix DVDs and a postcard have failed to get to me in Brooklyn?

40 min: "I wanna open up a horse-riding summer camp for autistic kids." Hold on. Brain hurting. I know there's a joke somewhere...ah, I'll get back to you on that one.

41 min: Boom! "But there's a full moon here tonight, blah blah blah, same size moon," writes John and cut to Savannah sticking her damn thumb at the moon.

46 min: Whoah. First time I've seen a "reaction to 9/11" scene in a movie. It's weird, because I'm pretty sure the movie wants our reaction to be, "Oh man-- this SUUUUCKS for John and Savannah!" Is 2001 considered a period piece yet?

50 min: John gets to be home with his Dad and Savannah for 16 hours. His dad goes all, "Wapner at five," and freaks out because he's not eating meatloaf on Saturday...but that could be anything! Toootally not severe autism.

52 min: By the way, they live in Charleston, South Carolina. Isn't naming your kid Savannah when you live in the south like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see?

59 min: No matter how many layers he's wearing, you should always bet that Channing Tatum is wearing a we still call those that? Also, they're doin' it and she's got her tatums out. Zippy chance she's on birth control. One and done, Channing, you're gonna be a papa.

62 min: John re-ups because of 9/11, which isn't nearly as big a dealbreaker for their relationship as the fact that I she's been writing all the letters in cursive. Are you freakin' kidding me??

64 min: I've never seen a movie with so many guns and so little action.

67 min: "Dear John..." OH SHIT! The first time was a movie title fake out! "...I know it's been too long since I wrote you..." the entendre's just waiting to be doubled! "...please forgive me for what I'm about to say..." Ohhhh snap! Now THAT'S A DEAR JOHN LETTER! RIGHT?! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ahhhhh FML.

72 min: John just got shot up in Iraq. He wakes up in a hospital. "Welcome back, Seargent Tyree. Rest easy, ok? You're in a hospital in Germany, and you're going to be just fine." Right. Because German hospitals have always been a bastion of comfort and safety...
....that was a nazi doctor joke.

75 min: John decides not to go home, but to stay in the army. "America, fuck yeah," montage for a bunch of years and then, "We're sending you home, John. This movie's not gonna have an arc all by itself."

78 min: John's dad is in bad shape and in the hospital. John gives him a letter that he wrote to him. Letters are kind of a thing in this movie. Did you guys have the Letter People in kindergarten? We did. "S" was for "Super Socks." Mr. S thought he was soooo coooool, but I got news for ya...he wasn't. WATCH THE VIDEO!

80 min: If ya ever want to make your life feel longer, watch this movie. Time basically stops.

87 min: He goes and sees Savannah. She's at her autistic horse camp (the horses aren't autistic), "Camp Horse Sense." He says, "You finally did it, huh?" Finally? Dude-- she's like 26! I'm 28 and ya know what I've started? A BLOG.

88 min: Hehehehehehe, turns out, "No. I tried. It only lasted one summer. It was expensive." Man, she didn't start anything! Meanwhile, you know what I've had for five years? A BLOG!

90 min: OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO SHEEEEIT! Savannah's married to the dad with the autistic kid. Don't worry though, he has lymphoma, so if John can just hang tight for a little while, I dunno, shoot some hoops, make another Step Up movie or something, he should be good to go in a little bit. Callous, Nicholas Sparks. With cancer, the guy looks JUST like Jim Carrey, though, so he's got that goin' for him...

94 min: She couldn't call him to tell him it was over because, "If I heard your voice, I knew I'd change my mind." Nicholas Sparks is all about love-postponed. I bet if we were roommates and I was like, "Yo, wanna get pizza?" he'd be all, "Eh, let's get it later."

98 min: She wants him to say he loves her, instead he says goodbye. He sells his Dad's coin collection-- oh, his dad died by the way, whoops-- and gives the money anonymously to Savannah so she can pay some cancer bills and keep her husband around a little longer.
...but then he dies and John comes back to her.

100 min: They hug. Fade to black. Roll credits under a painfully sentimental duet. There were songs in this movie called "Excelsior Lady," and, "Let Her Gift Be Me." These are things they need to tell us sooner. There should be a warning on the DVD.

102 min: Moral of the story? God hates single fathers. Two of them died, one from complications related to autism, the other from cancer, meanwhile John extended his tour in the army for seven years, only got shot once, and got to come home to hook back up with Savannah. Ya can't coach good lookin'.

I'm Gonna Complete the "Dear John," "P.S. I Love You," Trilogy with "Cinc-erely Yours" and the Main Character is Going to Be Yours Davis, a Simple Farm Boy in Cincinnatti Who Can't Tell a Lie and Falls In Love with Cincinnati Reds Pitcher Aaron Harang,