Monday, November 10, 2014

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Ortega Fiesta Flats

I thought my first post in months was going to be about my appendectomy, or my trip to Europe, or the state of our country, but something far more serious has come to my attention: Ortega Fiesta Flats.

These corn-based U-Boats are waging war on the traditional taco shell. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a taco consists of interior contents cradled by either a hard or soft shell. In fact, the shell is probably the only thing that makes it a taco in the first place. Put the contents between two flat tortillas and you've got yourself a quesadilla. Put the contents in a corn husk and it's a tamale. Wrap it TOO thoroughly in a tortilla and it's a burrito. And there's a very thin line between a wet burrito and an enchilada. The entire Mexican food genre comes down to how the beans/meat/cheese/etc. are wrapped. And don't tell me that these are "Flat Bottom Taco Shells," Ortega. THESE are flat-bottom taco shells:

Now, look, I get it--the traditional taco shell forces one to consume it with a sense of urgency and chaos, which might not always be welcome. Grow up. Tacos are delicious and intended to be eaten quickly. That's why they're small and demand your attention. They're the Scott Caans of the food world. These Fiesta Flats will do nothing more than breed complacency.

 Not everyone agrees with me. My brother-in-law boldly proclaimed on Facebook: "Been looking for these...taco shells you're now OBSOLETE! #neveragain"

Strong words, indeed. I asked why he was taking such a hardline stance against a product that has served us well for over one thousand years (I assume).

"When it comes to tacos I'm not looking for exciting uncertainty...steady and smooth is where I want to be."

Fair point, although in my thirty-two years on this planet, I've never once eaten a taco with anything but uncertainty--eating Mexican food is a roll of the digestive dice, whether your taco is in a standard shell or in a fiesta flat or in a bowl being eaten with a spoon. If you want steady and smooth, eat a salad. If you want to feel like a culinary Indiana Jones, eat a hard-shelled taco.

Or maybe I'm just an adrenaline junkie.

It Belongs In a Museum,