Thursday, August 08, 2013

Witz Pickz: Parenting

Okay, I realize I haven’t posted in months, but let’s not make a big deal out of it. Why haven’t I posted in so long? Oh, I dunno—maybe it’s because I started writing the Daily Cute for and it’s incredibly tough to be cynical and edgy when a part of every day is spent trying to think of synonyms for “adorable” and puns involving “otter.” Or maybe it’s because I’m getting married in September, and while we all know I’ve blogged before marriage, I’ve sworn to wait until after the wedding to post again as a sign of my commitment. Then again, maybe I’ve just been super lazy and unmotivated—tough to say.

Speaking of being lazy and unmotivated—babies, am I right? More and more of my friends have been acquiring children (that’s the creepiest way you can put that, by the way) and it’s got me thinking about the shockingly brief amount of time I have left before I will inevitably become a parent myself. Of the dreams I haven’t attempted; of how my remaining self-centered days can best be utilized; and if, ultimately, I’m ready. 

The short answer is, “Yes, I’m ready,”--but the longer answer is, “Of course I’m not ready, nobody really is, and all I can really hope to do is minimize the amount of urine and feces I get on my face.” The thing is, I see my friends with kids and they seem like great parents. And I know how my sister and I were raised and I think our parents were great. But, really, we have no idea, because there’s still time left. I think you can only truly know if you’re a good parent, like, sixty years later when you find out if your child has serial-killed or not. 

People say to me, “Oh, your parents seem like they did a good job raising you,” and all I can say is, “So far, sure.” There’s still plenty of time for me to prove them wrong; which is what makes it so scary. Who knows what decisions will have unintended consequences? I may be loving and selfless and protective, but not too protective, and supportive, and always telling them to follow their dreams, but then one day it turns out their dream was to wear other people’s skin as a tank top and suddenly I wasn’t such a good dad after all. 

Here's a list of what I have going for me in the parent department:
-I have a supportive family in the area who will love and support my child and help me in every conceivable way.

-Before any parenting decision, I plan to ask myself, "What would Coach and Tammy Taylor Do?"

-I'm not a child molester.

-I've seen every episode of the show Parenthood AND I disagreed with some of it. Anyone who agrees with all the parenting decisions in that show is probably unfit to be a parent.

-The Red Sox won the world series in my lifetime--twice. I'm a more calm, reasonable human being because of it.

Here's a list of what I have against me in the parent department:
-Kid's gonna be hairy, and will probably hold that against me.

-I see no problems with what Dexter does. 

-I talk about how poorly teachers are paid and what a travesty it is...and yet I currently make LESS than TEACHERS.

-I really really want to give my child a ridiculous name. I'm only 60% kidding at this point. Top picks are currently "Travith" so it sounds like he has a lisp, and "Enward" pronounced like Edward but with an "n" for reasons that should be comedically obvious. For a girl, I think the name "Tara-Reid" is nice and comes with no baggage whatsoever.

I guess only time will tell. Good luck to the parents out there, and try to keep the poop out of your mouth. All us non-parents still think it's gross.

Putting Your Kids' Photos on the Internet Is Kind of Like Saying You Think Pedophiles Would Like Your Child...A Little Bit...It Kinda Is...Think About It,