Thursday, March 27, 2008

Witz Pickz: An Open Letter To NCAA Basketball Teams

Dear NCAA Basketball Teams,

I would first like to say "Hi" to the women's teams and wish you all luck in the tournament. Having said that, please ignore the rest of this letter, as it isn't really meant for you. And in case my new Mortal Enemy "Stuff White People Like" hasn't hit upon it yet, let me just say that the number one thing White Middle-Aged Men Like is "Women's College Basketball." Nothin' beats it.

Now that we got that out of the way, I wish to say a few things to the men's teams. Underdogs, congratulations, you should be very proud of yourselves for having achieved above and beyond what was expected of you. It shows not only strength of mind and spirit, but courage, to anger so many Americans who went so far as to place money they couldn't really afford to lose on your lack of success. Some of you I believed in. Kansas State, Western Kentucky, I read several short summary excerpts about you and dared to believe that you would come out the victors. Davidson, I thought you would take down Gonzaga and you did, but I think I speak for most people when I say that you weren't supposed to take down Georgetown. You made quite a few enemies with that one, and quite a few memories as well, I imagine. Which brings me to my next point: Stop-- it's time for you all to lose. It was a good run while it lasted, but like many people, I don't have you going to the Elite Eight or the Final Four, and I have at least twenty dollars at stake here. I'm not talking to you Louisville, you can go ahead and beat Tennessee, as we all felt the need to pick one or two higher ranked seeds to go further, but Davidson, West Virginia, are you really that unhappy with spring break? These are the memories we make today to have for tomorrow, and don't you want dancing half naked while Flo Ride plays in the background to be a part of that for you? Be fair to yourself and to us and go down without a fight. I don't think any of us can handle that kind of stress anymore. Oh-- and have fun out there.

North Carolina, I hate you with a passion unrelenting. Win. Win it all. You were number one for most if not all of the year, and your pretty boy, douchebag looking leader Tyler Hansbrough must now lead you to ultimate victory. Your lives will most likely be worse after this year, so make it last and win the championship.

Kansas, it's not that I don't believe in you, but I picked you in a separate bracket that has far less money at stake. I'd like for you to win, but times are tough right now and aside from the monetary gain that would be helpful to me if you lost in the Final Four, I would gain a lot of respect for winning my office pool. Sorry.

UCLA, don't tell Xavier, but I have you beating them in the next round. I don't really know how injured Love is, but I hope it's in between "Healthy enough to beat Xavier and Memphis, but injured enough to lose to UNC in the Championship." Speaking of which:

Memphis, as my parents implied for years to me, "You were a mistake." I'm not exactly sure why I don't have Texas beating you in the Elite Eight, but I can only assume that I kept switching back and forth and you were in the right place when time ran out and the first game started. So prove me wrong and make me proud...and then lose to UCLA in the Final Four.

Thank you all very much for this year's entertainment. Some of you I have rewarded with one round upsets. Others I have given slightly more credit. I have rewarded all of you number 1 seeds' hard work by having all four of you in my Final Four. I have recently come to learn that the four number one seeds have never all made the final four in the history of the NCAA tournament, but why should I worry about that. Somebody, somewhere must have thought you were worth it, and I believe in each and every one of you to varying degrees. It's time to make this March "Madness" a little more sane.

So good luck to everyone, and please take my thoughts and words into consideration when playing your upcoming games. Because that's all they are really, isn't it? Games? As long as you all have a good time, you're all winners. In NCAA bracket pools, there can be only one winner, and consequently, nobody ever has any fun. I'll leave it to you all to decide which is more important-- I know you'll make the right choice for everyone involved.

Fingers Crossed,

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Witz Pickz: Phone Happenings

I'm being harassed by a small child. Now I know that statement is usually followed by, "Uh-huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them," but in this one instance, it's true. And not just harassment-- it's taunting. I'm being taunted by a small child. Last night at 4am my phone rang. The Witz Gal jumped out of bed and went to answer it because that's how crazy trained we are. Fortunately, my cleverly and intuitously placed obstacles (also known as things I forgot to clean up) kept her from reaching the phone and instead led her to some stumbling in the dark and probably a few bruises (another story that is usually followed by, "Uh-Huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them."). I did shout, "You don't have to answer the phone, it's 4am!" but in the end it didn't matter as the call went to voicemail. Here's what we received:

"Ahhhgaah, hahaha, ok, ahhgah, hmm?" That's not a word jumble. That's the cryptic message of a small child with less than stellar control of the english language. The machine clicked off and there was silence. I would have chalked it up as a fluke if it hadn't happened again moments later. This time the message was even more indistinguishable, but it was clear that the child had both glee and deviance in its voice-- and maybe apple sauce. After the talking, we were brutalized by a string of dialing. I tried to listen for a secret morse code message, but since it wasn't S-O-S and since morse code hasn't been taught to anyone since the Eisenhower era, I was left with no answers. I glanced at the clock and realized I could get up and watch the Red Sox play the Oakland A's in Japan, and for a brief moment I almost did, but then I remembered that taunting gleeful voice, and I thought, "That's exactly what the baby would want me to do," and I closed my eyes.

FEDEX LADY: Here's the message left on my office voicemail

"Hi, this is Lacey from Fedex Kinko's, could I please speak with Witz?

Brilliance exists everywhere.

The iPhone:
Apparently the iPhone calls people from your contacts randomly. Like, it will be locked and in your pocket, and it will call somebody. I don't have one, but I've heard several people say this happens and I think it's great. First of all, it proves that robots are going to destroy us all, and secondly, it proves that even the iPhone is part of the A.D.D. generation. With all it's capabilities, it's not content to sit and wait. It has websites to browse, videos to play, and people to call. Just because YOU don't have time to call your veterinarian, doesn't mean that iPhone can't call up and see what's up. I can't wait until there are reports of people waking up in the middle of the night, seeing their iPhone looming over their chest, Enter Sandman playing from the headphones, a map to where you are going to be buried displayed on the screen, before a single text message pops up as the headphones start to cut off their air supply saying, "It's our time now."

"Call Me" (Lost Highway),

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Witz Pickz: Bringing Back Titles and Flipping Right To It

I've had to address a number of envelopes for work recently, and it's gotten me thinking about the titles people have. Sure, we're all used to Mr. and Mrs. and Dr., but there are so many more out there, not the least of which being, "The Honorable" for judges. Well, how come judges are the only ones who are honorable? And how come we assume all judges are honorable? I bet there are damn dishonorable judges out there. So why should THEY be the ones with the titles.

I say it's time we brought back titles for the everyday person. Ivan The Terrible, Richard The Lion Heart, Someone The Brave (no-relation to the Jody Foster movie)...along with things like The Honorable Thomas Jefferson, the Beautiful Countess of Wherever, The Easily Amused Inbred Prince of Some Region. We need these now more than ever.

"Hi, I'm Witz, I need to drop my car off for auto-repairs..."
"Hi, I'm The Deceptive Justin Keene."

We need more of that. Keep people on their toes. Maybe you're, "The Hardworking Bill Smith" for a while, but oh how quickly you could become, "The Time Thefting Bill Smith," or "The Lazy Womanizer Bill Smith."

This happens a little in sports-- like last year when The Weak-Kneed Often Unsatisfying JD Drew hit that grand slam in the ALCS to make him The Underachieving Sometimes Surprising JD Drew. I want the opportunity for that type of shift. How much more productive and inspired would we all be all the time if we could get awesome epithets? The Badass Aziz Ansari. I would rather be The Huggable, The Clever, The Wise, The Shoddily Crafted, The Mixed Up, The Distinctively Smelling, The Late-Sleeping, The Underwhelming, or The Motivationally Challenged Witz over just plain Witz any day of the week.

Flipping Right To It: AHHHHHHHHGGGGGG! Only sounds can express how much I wish I could still flip right to it and get ridiculous props for doing so. I just don't flip enough stuff anymore. It used to be that a math book, history text, spelling workbork, and many more provided the opportunity to have to open to a certain page at a certain time. 99% of the time, fools would be flipping willy-nilly, landing on pages far from their destination. Even flipping CLOSE to it didn't really do anything. It's the scratch-ticket dilemma-- scratching off a 12 when you needed a third 11 is equally as bad as scratching off a 95. You were equally far from victory. That one magical time, however, that tiny 1% boy, I mean when that happened, when you FLIPPED RIGHT TO IT, you were the champion of your own destiny. You were ahead of the curve. You were the coolest kid in school. Sitting back in your seat, you'd get to act all awesome, like you were the shit, all, "Yeah, I don't know if you all saw that, but I flipped right to it because yeah, I can do that on command and did just now. It was intentional. I'm so freakin' good at pagination..." How badly do I wish that was still the case now. I'd be sitting in my cube, someone would stop by to ask me for something from a file, and I'd open it right up to the sheet that they need. I'd start smiling and lean back in my seat. "Don't worry about what I'll be working on later today because...Yeah...I flipped right to it, soooo...I mean....I'll be taking the rest of the day off. Peace losers."

The Aforementioned,

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

!!!Stuff On Witz!!!

Wheat Thins On Witz!!

!!!A Fan On Witz!!!!

A Couch On Witz

Let The Money Roll On In,

Monday, March 17, 2008

Witz Pickz: Seriously, Still Existing

SO it's been a bit, and I haven't been able to scrap the time, thoughts or creativity together to come up with any decent posts, and thus have left you abandoned and momentarily alone (like when your parents would leave you for a minute in the grocery store and you'd either freak out or start planning which cereals to build your new home out of). Well, I'm not quite back. But I will be. And so I want to leave you with these few thought on St. Patrick's Day, which is arguably today, though some have said otherwise (hence making it arguable).

Best Overheard Quote: (while walking out of blockbuster as two kids walked in) "I'm a git Major Payne 2!"

Thought While Sitting In Doctor's Office and Looking Around While Waiting For Doctor: When you first see the name Analscope, you don't want to believe that it is what it sounds like-- it must simply be a poor spelling decision, or your mind playing tricks on you. But later, after some search engining, you will find out that it is exactly what it sounds like. We live in a world of analscopes, an equation in which nobody comes out ahead.

Shocking Realization: I paid 50 dollars for FOUR prescription anti-migraine pills.
MORE Shocking Realization: Without insurance, it would have been 257 dollars for NINE pills.
MOST Shocking Realization: Howie Mandel successfully resurrected his career.

Word With Most Double-Letter Combos: S-U-C-C-E-S-S-F-U-L-L-Y

Favorite Kind of "Combos": Pepperoni Pizza

Dream Last Night: The goddamn snakes were back-- shock of all shocks. I fall down and a King Cobra (which as I recall, were only discussed as children) pounces near me and rears its head. I manage to get up somehow by staring it down, but as I walk away, what happens? I TRIP BACKWARDS (like, I'm walking FORWARDS, trip, and fall BACKWARDS) and land near the damn snake again, which doesn't let me off the hook this time. Sleep's a real treat these days.

This Discussion With My Friend Who Formerly Had A Pool But Now Has A Patio: Sure, Chupacabra's are scary, but what about a ChupaCOBRA? Formerly of a Pool says that "cobra sucker" is safer than "goat sucker" because it's sucking cobras. I say that he would rather see a ChupaCOBRA and know that snakes were around than see a ChupaCABRA and know that goats were around?? HE says that YES, because a ChupaCOBRA would PROTECT against the snakes, while a ChupaCABRA only protects against goats. Admittedly, my way of thinking is a tad negative, but to be fair, I think maybe the other way around is a bit overly optimistic. Chupacabra OR Chupacobra, those suckers aren't gonna leave people alone. ChupaSoulja Boy.

Jealous Rant: I get it, Stuff White People Like is very funny and perfectly niche, but how come it has to be so damn successful. And how did so many people learn about it so fast? And how come he only has to post like ONE PARAGRAPH and gets THREE HUNDRED COMMENTS??? Eighty Six Posts of a few paragraphs each tops is TROUNCING my 200+ posts, some of mucho length. DO I really have to specialize for success? Is catering to a niche the path to mass success? Will Witz Pickz have to turn into "StuffOnWitz.Com?"

Is Funky Fresh An Oxymoron?,

Monday, March 10, 2008

Witz Flickz: King of Kong, Rocket Science, The Amateurs, Two Days In Paris, The Hottest State, Michael Clayton, and Gone, Baby, Gone

Man, Pick #201 sure is a big letdown-- it's like the day after Christmas, now we all have to wait another 365 days until pick #300 (I mean, c'mon, let's be honest). Hopefully, it will come faster than that and fortunately, Monday's are only teaser picks that lead up to the glory of Fridays (you know, sometimes, by accident). Here are a bunch of short movie pickz for you because I've been watching far too many recently:

The Hottest State:
Ethan Hawke lured me in, but he's barely in this movie. Instead, we get a young couple struggling with life and love in NYC. Somehow, possibly because of how it was shot and written, the story and dialogue grab and hold you for a decent part of the film, but ultimately, it gets a bit old and tiresome-- like the old guy at family reunions, the first half of the night he's hanging onto everyone and talking excitedly about the past (aka Historical Fiction) and then he's exhausted and needs to leave early, but the old folks bus ain't there yet so everyone starts arguing about who's gonna stay with Uncle Charlie. Good acting and really decent commentary on relationships, but a bit too self-consciously indie and long-- the movie, not Uncle Charlie.

Two Days In Paris:
I really enjoyed this film and not just because it reminded me waaaay too much of how my family operates under travel duress. Adam Goldberg and Julie Delpy go to Paris on the way back from Italy to visit and to see her parents (they live in nyc and she's from Paris). Argumentative hilarity and philosophy ensue. Perfect for a Ratatouille double-header, the dialogue is quick and entertaining, and the plot only drags at a few points and not for very long.

The Amateurs:
One of those movies where the whole isn't quite the sum of the parts. A small small town gets together to make a porn film when Jeff Bridges has a moment of clarity for his next moneymaking project. His buddies fall into line including Patrick Fugit, Ted Danson, That Police Guy From Prison Break Season One and Invasion, and The Funny Little Guy From O Brother Where Art Thou, Joe Pantoliano (that guy from everything), John Hawkes (Deadwood), Lauren Graham, The Gay Bashing Dude From Grey's Anatomy, and The Older Wife From Big Love. There are some scenes of brilliance and great comedy, but not nearly enough, and considering the topic, you'd think they'd have been able to pack in more goodness. The movie works and it's ok, but it's not amazing.

Rocket Science:
For everyone who thought Juno was the only quirky white people indie film available for viewing, I have great news-- Rocket Science exists. Very well written, somewhat amusing, and really well acted, Rocket Science is the simple story of a boy with a stutter in high school who starts to come into his own with the help of a girl who either loves him or hates him. The simple story is described in dramatic proportion, but in a way that works. He gets tricked onto the debate team, where he ironically tries to win the contest and the girl's heart. I really enjoyed the simple story and the characters its tough not to get involved with the characters. Plus, for you Juno fans, since they are quick talking debaters, most of the dialogue is snappy and far too fast for realism. Also, this shockingly means that The Great Debaters is NOT THE ONLY debate movie to watch. Baffling. I hope debate becomes like dancing and cliques square off. They can call it, "Bring It On Again, Because Within The Current Debate Format It Is Your Turn For Rebuttal."

Michael Clayton:
George Clooney gets wacky wild in the gray area of morality and ultimately chooses-- well, I won't tell you. But what would a guy who was formerly on "Sisters," "ER," and played Batman choose to do? Anyway, well acted, well written, a bit unnecessarily confusing, and containing ONE extraneous horse scene, I liked it, and I bet the writer was screaming into his pillow the night they gave the Academy Award to "The Girl Who Got Pregnant But It Was Ok"-- which I also really enjoyed.

Gone, Baby, Gone:
The best part about this movie is that I get to quote the line where they say, "Gone baby, gone." with a Haitian accent ALL THE TIME NOW.

"Where's the leftover pizza??"
"Gone baby, gone."
"Where's that DVD you got from Netflix?"
"Gone baby, gone."
"Where's your dignity after more than 200 pickz?"
"Gone baby, gone."

Awesome. The second best part about this movie was Casey Affleck and the great story-- I know that's two things, but did you really want me to have to write a third line where I told you what the THIRD best thing was? Moot point. Anyway, I'm pretty shocked that they didn't give this more nominations, because I thought it was probably more compelling and well done than any other movie I've seen that was nominated...which pretty much just means Michael Clayton.


The King of Kong: A Fistfull of Quarters
This documentary about is about the best Donkey Kong players in the world-- although the top few competitors are all from the US, which seems suspect, but hey, what do I know. For sheer surrealty, nothing beats this. The "characters" are amazingly odd, but you see where they're coming from. Steve Wiebe (pronounced Wee-bee, like jammin') faces off against Billy Mitchell (the second best name to square off with since Chuck Norris was taken) in the epic long lasting battle and scandal for domination in what is described as the most difficult of the original arcade games. You get to watch as these two prepare, converse, battle, and boast. When you get to the showdown in Hollywood...Florida that is, you will be giddy and astounded at how invested you have become in the story. There is also a colorful array of side characters such as Mr. Awesome, my new favorite person (I guess that was his plan), and Walter Day, the aging referee and game score keeper. I can't possibly explain how awesome and amazing this movie is, you have to find out for yourself.

I'll save a few movies for another slow day. Enjoy the ones I told you to enjoy.

Watching House (M.D.) Season By Season In Reverse Order Is EXACTLY Like Watching The Show Lost In Regular Order,

Friday, March 07, 2008

Witz Pickz Presents: "S.E.P: Special Events Police"

EXT. Parking Lot -- Day

WITZ stands under the bright sun, decked out in nice pants and a tucked in button-down shirt. His far too heavy, but very affordable pseudo-blazer is draped over one shoulder. A "duffle bag"
that looks more and more like a tote bag with every glance, hangs over the same shoulder, and secretly, stowed away in a pocket of the jacket-- Stunner Shades...just waiting.

MIKE, a sixty year old ex-army man turned campus security guy stands stoutly with his arms crossed. His mustache and protruding bushy gray nose hair appear to be playing catch with a piece of white fuzz as he breathes deeply. His shades are on-- dark black.

CURTIS stands next to him-- skinnier, slightly younger, clearly of a less security based background-- but equally prepared. Arms crossed and standing to the side and juuust slightly behind Mike, Curtis is the silent type-- or so he seems. His shades are on as well, they just don't quite fit as well.

Witz: Hi, I'm Witz.

Mike: Mike. Is that your real name?

Witz: Well, kinda. You see, I use the nickname so people can't quite track down who I am, in case I piss off someone who's a big fan of Andy Rooney or Bubblicious.

Mike: I see. This is Curt.

Curt: Hi.

Witz: Nice to meet you both.

And thus begins the four hours they will spend together sitting in the parking lot for the event, the Special Events Police keeping order and Witz coordinating the Squad of SEPs, shuttle bus drivers, and parking attendants. Fortunately, Witz has brought a book, a pad, and some work to d--

Mike: Yep, ya usually got yer rush around 1pm and then it happens in spurts. (Oops. Mike's a talker.)

Witz: I've heard that's how old people pee...

Mike: We'll see how it is today though, keep it under control one time there was a football game see and these two guys started goin' at it you know ruuummbling see and we had to--

Mike is a talker and he does not care if you talk or not-- he has something to tell you and he is going to learn you good with it. Curt, as it turns out, doesn't talk much, but is far more direct with his questions.

Curt: So New York's the real deal then? That's the best city? (he asks, appropos of nothing other than I didn't like cold winters in Maine).

Witz: Uh, yeah, you bet-- they got lots of stuff to's exciting...

Curt: Yep. (he says, like he just owned it)

Mike: I dated a gal from New York once, she was real nice, went into nursing I think, know what I mean?

Witz: (Thinking maybe I don't know what he means) Yup.

Curt: You bet.

The three stand waiting for action. Ready for anything. Time passes. During this time, we fade to a narrator telling an unrelated story-- not for any connective purpose, but because it's funny and shows time has passed:

"My comedy belt struck again. Hideously. You see, I was in the bathroom, changing into athletic clothes, so I was in the handicapped stall. Another person walks into the bathroom and hustles to the regular stall. Only he apparently has shy bowels, because he sits down in a hurry, but then it's the sounds of silence. I'm glad because nobody wants the alternative, and quickly hurry to get undressed. As I take off my belt, it makes the loudest series of fart noises I've heard since I first got the belt. In my attempt to silence it, I end up causing a firecracker like chain of gaseous immitations. Well, lemme tell you-- apparently hearing comraderie coming from the handicapped stall got this guy over the hump because the next chunk of seconds sounded like business end of a street drain during monsoon season. I looked down at my belt HORRIFIED and quickly put the rest of my clothes on and bolted out of the bathroom."

Now back to S.E.P.: Special Events Police


Mike: And we got back from 'Nam and the news story was about junk mail-- you know, like the stuff you get in the mail. I couldn't believe that I'd just seen my friends killed and back home people were worrying about junk mail...

Curt: So you were a creative writing major, then?

Witz (staring like a deer in the headlights): Uhh, yeah.

Curt: I was a sociology major.

Witz: Oh, cool, I really liked soc, I almost minored in--

Curt: Nah, I just did it so I could avoid the draft...

Witz: Ah...I see....

Curt: So people don't read anymore, right?

Witz: Uh, I mean, that's what I hear? Sales are down...

Curt: Cause I'll try to read a book, you know, but then I just get SO BORED, and like, I try to read a classic every now and then, but I'm just so tired.

Witz: I've realized recently that you don't have to read classics all the time you know? Like, it's ok to read strictly for entertainment-- plus I think that a lot of fiction for enjoyment is also starting to have a lot more built into it anyway.

Mike: I read the entire Rise & Fall of the Roman Civilization.

Curt: Go ahead, ask him a question about it.

Mike: Ask me a question.

Witz: I...don't think I even know enough of the rise and fall of the roman civilization to ask you a question about it....

Mike: (laughs) Um-hm.

Curt: How many people sucked?

Witz: What?

Curt: In your class-- how many people could actually write and how many were terrible?

Witz: Like...half (searching for the right answer)...

Curt: HA! (apparently finding it)

Witz: I'm gonna go check on the shuttles...

TIME PASSES -- It's now 2:30pm

The rush that was predicted and prepared for has never come. Only a few tens of cars are parked in the lot. Conversation is still running strong, however, and Curt is on point.

Curt: So is HBO the best then?

Witz: Well, I think so-- but I think it's making regular television better, too.

Mike: You know what I like is that L&O-- you know Law & Order, that's a good show. That's what television needs more of.

Witz: You think there should be MORE Law & Orders?

Mike: You don't?

Witz: .....have you seen Dexter? It's about a blood spatter analyst who's also a serial killer.

Curt: HA!

Mike: Is that one of those NCI's? or CSIS's?

Witz: No, it's called Dexter.

Mike: I like that Boston Legal. They don't try know, realize it. Make it real. They make it over the top.

Witz: (makes an arm wrestling motion. Is met with silence.) Cool.

Curt: Hey, whattya think of that Grey's Anatomy (I swear he asked me this)? Is that show-- that show's not real good, right?

Witz: (Feeling like he was just told that a "friend" of Curt's has red bumps "down there") Yeah, well I've seen some with my girlfriend, you know, and it started ok, but that show is terrible writing. I mean, it's kinda entertaining, but it's terrible WRITING.

Curt: Hm. That's what I thought.

Mike: The Wire! That's what I was trying to think of.

Witz: I didn't know you were trying to think of anything.

Mike: You grew up in Baltimore, right?

Witz: Connecticut.

Mike: Was it like in The Wire?

Witz: The Wire takes place in Baltimore...

Mike: That show's real good. I watched the first seasons on DVD, but then I don't get the HBO so I couldn't watch that on the tv, so I watched the reruns on the B.E.T. which was fine except you have to put up with the commercials.

Witz: (seriously, just trying to bond) What, like all the ringtones commercials and, like, awkwardly hip Sears commercials with African Americans in them?

Mike: No, I mean, instead of on the DVD.

Witz: (pause) Yeah, I wanna see The Wire, too.

Let's take some time to wonder where Lonelygirl15 is right now, while Witz is picking number 200. Who cares, right? Witz wins. Eat it LonelyGirl15.


Witz: Of course Roger Clemens did steroids! But whatever! Everyone's saying, "that informant guy is too skeazy to be trusted," but skeazy Brian McNamee is saying, "I'm skeazy and I've lied, but Roger Clemens did steroids." You can't call the skeazy guy skeazy when he's telling YOU that he's skeazy!

Pause, Witz is panting from his rant...

Mike: I like that Sammy Sosa. I don't know why, I just like 'im.

Suddenly a car pulls into the lot-- finally, action! It's time for the S.E.P.'s to strike into action. A middle aged businessman sits in the front seat with a suit on. He slowly drives up to the entrance.

Curt: Look at this joker.

Mike: Are you here for the School Event?

Business Professional: Uh, yes.

Curt: Go ahead in...

And the car pulls away. What the hell?? That's it? That was our action. They retreat back to their "at east" positions.

Witz: I just don't think you should have said, "School Event." You gave him the answer, you should have made HIM say it.

Mike: Relax, rook. (he doesn't really call me rook, but I always wanted to be called rook)

Curt: Guy was clearly here for the event.

Witz: But you're police-- you could have done SOME police work.

Mike: We're no desk jockeys. Let em sort the paperwork out later.

VERY disappointed, Witz sits down.

This is what Witz sounded throughout history:
-That's rad
-That's so dope
-That's wicked cool
-That's so butter
-Simply en fuego
-That's hella cool
-That's mad cool
-That's so wack
-That's bunk
-That's sick
-Bros before hos...
-Gank that sign (CT meaning, not NJ)
-Boost that sign
-Steal that sign
-18 means I can go to jail
-Don't get it twisted
-I think I got it twisted
-That's feeble
-Poor Bowl!
-Good Bowl!


It's 3:30-- the event is over in 30 minutes and the SEP's will be leaving as the event moves to a different location. The lot will still be open until late so people can leave, but it will no longer be an action site. It will no longer need attending.

Curt: What I really like is directing traffic-- that's an adrenaline rush, being all, "you go, you go, you go" and waving your arms around. That's my favorite thing we do.

Mike: I was doin' a tour with some high school kids in the elephant museum, you know, and they were real unattentive. You could tell they didn't wanna be there and it's tough to talk to them when they're like that. The standup comics, you know, they talk about dying on stage, well, when it's like that, I know what they mean-- I've died out there.

It's just about at this point that figure out that all afternoon while Mike has been saying "tour," I've been thinking he's using it like in the army, but in actuality, he gives tours at a local museum to school kids.

Mike: Those elephants, they can get moving. Like a Buick heading straight at you.

Curt: I bet.

I glance at my watch that reads 3:42, and just as I'm about to take off early, a car pulls up, hesitates, and pulls in. It's a flashy sports car with spinners and the driver looks vastly underdressed and young.

Witz: I got this one, guys. (I pull my Stunner Shades out of my pocket and put them on)

Mike: What are those?

Witz: They're my sunglasses...

Curt: Ha!

PARKING HOPEFUL is a young athletic kid.

Parking Hopeful: Yeah, can I park here?

Witz: What are you here for? (I glance back over my shoulder at Curt and smile a litle.

Parking Hopeful: I got practice.

Witz: (oh hell yeah) Practice, huh?

Parking Hopeful: That's right.

Witz: How long's the practice?

Parking Hopeful: 2 hours.

I take a second and pull my head back from the car. I sigh heavily and take a look at the lot, making the kid wait. Then, I slowly pull off my shades, put my hands on the rolled down window and lean in so I can lower my voice.

Witz: Ya know what? This is for School Event parking-- but why don't you go ahead and park and I won't say anything. (in retrospect, it might have sounded like I was hitting on him)

Parking Success Story: Cool.

Parking Success Story Who Probably Thinks I Wanted to Blow Him pulls into the lot and parks. I walk back towards the SEP's and put back on my shades. Without saying a word, I line up next to them and the three of us look out at the street in unison behind out lenses. Special Events Police? I may not wear the badge...if they even have badges...which they don''s more of a color scheme accented by a devil-may-care attitude...but for one day at least, I was one of them.


Thursday, March 06, 2008

Witz Pickz: Suspense, Pointing, Comp USA, and MORE

"Working hard or hardly working?" is usually a rhetorical question posed by a douchebag when people say it to me. They know I'm not doin' much, and that with the baseball season starting up, I've got Excel spreadsheets in the forefront and the Red Sox vs. Dodgers game on in the background. These last three days, however, that little saying got flipped around on me and I've been overwhelmed with work. When I got home late each night, I needed some quality time with Gregory House, MD, and picking just wasn't going to happen. So I apologize for the lack of posts these last few days, but I also think it provides a glorious opportunity, because nobody wanted the 200th Pick to be on a Monday or a Wednesday-- they wanted it on a Friday. The day of closure. Of finality and rebirth. The Freakin' Weekend.

So today I give you the 199th Pick. It's a slew of things I've been thinking about during the craziness and hopefully tomorrow I'll have something astounding and celebratory for you-- EPIC is what I'm going thinking. Like, Free Burritos For Life EPIC.

When I was younger, I remember everyone getting worked up about pointing and how pointing was bad. It was RUDE my parents told me, and I wasn't supposed to do it. Thinking about it now, I feel like pointing is entirely necessary. There are just too many unknowns in this world and showing somewhat where "OVER THERE" is or who "THAT PERSON" is just needs a little gesticulation. Is pointing rude anymore? I do it while working events, showing people around, telling them what to do next. But I still feel uncomfortable when someone says, "Look at that" and points. Like it's either rude, touristy, or uncouth. And yet I know it's not-- these people aren't saying, "Look at that FREAK" and pointing, they're saying, "Look at that restaurant, sign, tree, or bird." Unfortunately, sometimes restaurants, signs, trees, and birds are close in proximity to freaks, and maybe that's why the pointing is a problem. We're all worried that freaks know they're freaks, and therefore will assume we're pointing at them. Maybe the pointing isn't the real problem.

In fact, the more I think about it, I think people told us that pointing was rude when we were little because WE WERE LITTLE. We were too young to have that social filter, so if we saw someone with one arm, with a patch on one eye, with no teeth, or morbid obesity, I bet we would have pointed at them to alert our parents to the abnormality. I bet I would have caused my parents a whole lot of embarassment if I'd pointed at the first black person I saw in my upper-middle class oh-so-white town. "Mommy, mommy, look, it's DIVERSITY!" I'd have my hand slapped away and told, "Pointing is rude." I think pointing has been getting a terrible rap all these years, and has been the scapegoat for millions upon millions of children's honest view of the world. Bring pointing back.

Comp USA:
I walked past a Comp USA this weekend and was ASTOUNDED that the company still existed. Now, I can't imagine a single time in my life when I would decide I needed to go to a Comp USA, and for that reason, I am totally picking it. Any company that can somehow outlast obsolescence is alright by me. With Staples and, Office Max, and a million other internet sites that sell office and computer supplies, the ghetto-tastic Comp USA can't even claim to be superior to Frye's Electronics and Frye's makes an inner city garage sale look like a Best Buy. So congratulations Comp USA, because you're probably a front for something massively illegal and I'm not planning on stepping in the way of anything like that.

House Count:
Thanks to watching more and more episodes of House, I have been able to sound credible in four, count em, FOUR more conversations involving medical stuff. Just today, someone mentioned pancreatic cancer and I was able to say, "That's a really painful type of cancer, too," and everyone believed me and nodded while I thought, "now where did I know that from..." and then BAM! I remembered-- HOUSE. I figure they have to have at least the base level of their knowledge correct, so while the crazy shit that happens in the middle and end might not be quite medically true, I bet the stuff like, "these symptoms are usually associated with X" are probably true. So the House Count is +4.

Is starting up again. Nothing is sweeter than watching your team start off a game winning and then lose by 10 because they put in all their young players for the 6-9th innings. Spring training is sweet. MLB.TV is pretty sweet, too, and if you wanna watch baseball wherever you are, including the scenario at the beginning of this post, then the 120 bucks is well worth it (How bout dem book-ends)

Run Home Jack,