Friday, October 29, 2010

Witz Pickz: Halloween Costume Do's and Don't's This Year

Halloween is on Sunday, which means anyone deamed too old and/or creepy for trick or treating will be celebrating on Saturday. If you're anything like me, you wait until the very last minute to get a costume together, so I've decided to post some sexy ideas and some costumes to avoid this All Hallow's Eve Eve.

5 Costumes to Make Sexy This Year:

When did we decide to call these costumes "sexy" versions instead of "slutty" versions? Nobody says, "That girl's really sexy-- she blew the entire football team." I guess it's marketing, and, let's be honest, it doesn't matter what you call it, Halloween's the best show of creative nudity outside of New Orleans.

1) Sexy BP Oil Spill: Nobody is pro-oil spill, so you won't run into any controversy with this one. Throw on a a low cut, belly-button exposing top with some short shorts, douse yourself with Hershey's syrup and you're good to go. Add a syrup doused stuffed fish or bird for good measure. For best results, add a very specific detail to the costume and you'll be showing the world not only your body, but that you're literate, too.

2) Sexy Carl Paladino: Put the "uber date" back in "gubernatorial candidate" with this sexy costume. With the election coming up on Tuesday, this costume is ripped from the headlines. Simply wear a shirt and tie, but sexy it up however you see fit. Remember guys: having your dick out is NOT sexy, it's a felony.

3) Sexy Time: Wear some enticing, revealing clothes and a clock around your neck and once you get past all the Flavor Flav references, you can reveal that you're "Sexy time! Get it!?" Nothing gets a conversation started better than sounding like an Austrian making english language innuendo.

4) Sexy Trader Joe: This one is great because you can go as the traditional Trader Joe OR you can choose to go as Trader Jose, Trader Giotto, or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, Trader Ming. No matter who you choose, make sure you make it sexy-- it will distract from the fact that, much like the products, the costume is vaguely racist.

5) Sexy Katherine Heigl: Hehehehe, get it? Because she's awful and unappealing. Feel free to be creative with this one-- Sexy Justin Long, Sexy Seth Rogen, Sexy Morgan Freeman, etc, etc...

5 Costume DON'T's this All Hallow's Eve Eve:

Two years ago, everyone and their dead celebrity crush went as The Joker for Halloween, and, let's be honest, it was borderline embarrassing to hear that seventh person ask, "Why so serious?" as if they were the first person to think of it. Here are some costumes to avoid this year.

1) Double Rainbow/Double Rainbow Guy - Just don't do it. Seriously. Even Sexy Double Rainbow is gonna be redundant no matter which party you go to. Besides, you're gonna get super sick of having everyone come up to you saying, "Whoooah, Double Rainbow! What does it mean!?" We get it, you watch Youtube videos. The only way this costume is acceptable is if you and your preferably gay partner are each a single rainbow and when people ask what you are, you both start making out, thus combining into a double rainbow. Twist.

2) Precious: The costume based on the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. I know, it's great in theory, but nothing good will come of it (especially if you go as Sexy Precious). If you're white and dress up like Precious, you're really dressing up as a racist, and if you're black and dress up like Precious, you're just making fun of fat girls who have been raped. So...pass.

3) The Prophet Mohammed - For those of you not familiar with Danish cartoons, just take my word for it-- it's still a bad idea. If you must get your religion on, the ever popular Jesus, or Moses, or Joseph Smith, or Buddha, or the lesser utilized L. Ron Hubbard are all still acceptable options. I realize Moses is not the Jewish deity, but do you have any idea what Yahweh looks like? I sure don't. Oo-- that gives me another sexy idea: Sexy afikoman.

4) The Jersey Shore Cast Member: There are going to be thousands of The Situations this Halloween, so don't be that guy. Your abs aren't as good and it's going to get awkward the more you show people yours. If you must make a Mike The Situation costume, do something creative with it like, "The Hypothesis: My abs are ok, but if I worked out more and ate less pizza, I think I could have a great six-pack." If you're desperate to show dudes your boobs and underwear, go as Snookie, and if you want to be boring and redundant, go as Ronnie and Sami. I guess if you can get an entire group of people to go as the entire cast, that could be pretty well done. Make sure to kick whoever dresses up as Angelina out of the group part way through the night...


5) Insane Clown Posse: Honestly, I can't decide if this is a great or terrible costume idea. Taking cues from the "Miracles" song/video, there are a plethora of options for props and references. You could carry magnets while looking quizzical, rock a t-shirt that says, "Fuck Scientists," or just find some way to work in "crows" and "ghosts." On the other hand, if there are a hundred ICP jokes running around, you might look lame. If you want to go as ICP, maybe skip their born-again wonderment references of "Miracles" and go back to some of their less subtle classics like, "I Stuck Her With My Wang," "Bugz On My Nutz," or the straight forward tune, "Imma Kill U."

(Not just a clever name...)

It's Never Too Late For Sexy Strom Thurmond,

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Marketing For Dummies

"Trader Joe's Super Soft Bath Tissue has the power to make your anxieties melt away. It's super soft, living up to its name, and guaranteed to bring a smile with every use. Don't take our word for it. Take this miracle roll home and try it!"

First of all, false. It's not super soft, it's more like the roll of recycled toilet paper that my parents have in their house. Apparently, my parents are trying to make up for the fact that their generation is leaving my sister and I with looming armageddon by only buying toilet paper that feels like it was peeled right off a birch tree.

(Seventh Generation-- so named because when you wipe your ass with it, your great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids will feel the pain.)

Second of all, if I'm smiling while wiping my ass, something's very wrong. There's a time and a place for smiles and laughter and it's not while my hand is navigating dangerous spatial relationships via my mind. And what's this guarantee? Can I walk into a Trader Joe's, hand them the empty packaging and say, "Yeah, so, this didn't tickle my anus or bring joy to my heart, where's my money?" It's not a miracle roll, it's some dead trees that have been put in the unfortunate position of being on the business end of our business ends. Wait, is that what Fern Gully was about?

Speaking of toilet paper, the Denny's marketing has been annoying me for a while now. They keep advertising this 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu where each item is either two dollars, four dollars, six dollars, or eight dollars. Wait, so you have a list of items that range in value from two to eight dollars? You know what that's called? A MENU! You just have a regular menu. I can't imagine Moons Over My Hammy have gotten adjusted much for inflation since my last visit so stop trying so hard-- if someone makes the decision to eat at Denny's, they're gonna do it regardless of your marketing. That goes double if they're ordering this:

Yyyup. That's a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks inside. You bet your ass I want one, but I have two little devils on my shoulders named "Shame" and "Restraint" so I'm not gonna have one. And, in case you were wondering, yes, this is why other countries hate us.

Finally, if you're anything like me (don't worry, I won't tell anyone), you watch a lot of shows on Hulu. Lately, they've been showing ads before the shows and during commercial breaks with a little choice at the top corner asking, "Is this ad relevant to you?" Oohhohoho Boy! As far as Hulu is concerned, I'm a middle-aged closeted gay pacific islander who's afraid to talk about HIV within my community, who drives a mini-van, uses swiffer mops, is against bringing your own bag to the supermarket, HATES wheat thins and doesn't want anything to do with cotton. THAT'S who's watching 30 Rock.

I hope this post is as useful to you as my Old Dogs post was to this person, who is totally, obviously, completely not a spammer in India being paid mere cents an hour to push terrible American products:*

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Witz Flix: Old Dogs":
Good dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information.

Just glad I could help you with your "college assignment," Anonymous! I know those Old Dogs papers can be rough, but you sound like you have it all figured out. Just remember to site as a reputable internet source.

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*I also deny any involvement in such a job while working down in Austin one summer. A note to those in that position: When using cut and paste, it's important to pay at least a little attention, so as not to accidentally refer to electric wheelchairs as go-karts. Apparently, that angers some people who's parents recently passed away and are selling their stuff on ebay.