Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Witz Pickz: Bringing Back Titles and Flipping Right To It

I've had to address a number of envelopes for work recently, and it's gotten me thinking about the titles people have. Sure, we're all used to Mr. and Mrs. and Dr., but there are so many more out there, not the least of which being, "The Honorable" for judges. Well, how come judges are the only ones who are honorable? And how come we assume all judges are honorable? I bet there are damn dishonorable judges out there. So why should THEY be the ones with the titles.

I say it's time we brought back titles for the everyday person. Ivan The Terrible, Richard The Lion Heart, Someone The Brave (no-relation to the Jody Foster movie)...along with things like The Honorable Thomas Jefferson, the Beautiful Countess of Wherever, The Easily Amused Inbred Prince of Some Region. We need these now more than ever.

"Hi, I'm Witz, I need to drop my car off for auto-repairs..."
"Hi, I'm The Deceptive Justin Keene."

We need more of that. Keep people on their toes. Maybe you're, "The Hardworking Bill Smith" for a while, but oh how quickly you could become, "The Time Thefting Bill Smith," or "The Lazy Womanizer Bill Smith."

This happens a little in sports-- like last year when The Weak-Kneed Often Unsatisfying JD Drew hit that grand slam in the ALCS to make him The Underachieving Sometimes Surprising JD Drew. I want the opportunity for that type of shift. How much more productive and inspired would we all be all the time if we could get awesome epithets? The Badass Aziz Ansari. I would rather be The Huggable, The Clever, The Wise, The Shoddily Crafted, The Mixed Up, The Distinctively Smelling, The Late-Sleeping, The Underwhelming, or The Motivationally Challenged Witz over just plain Witz any day of the week.

Flipping Right To It: AHHHHHHHHGGGGGG! Only sounds can express how much I wish I could still flip right to it and get ridiculous props for doing so. I just don't flip enough stuff anymore. It used to be that a math book, history text, spelling workbork, and many more provided the opportunity to have to open to a certain page at a certain time. 99% of the time, fools would be flipping willy-nilly, landing on pages far from their destination. Even flipping CLOSE to it didn't really do anything. It's the scratch-ticket dilemma-- scratching off a 12 when you needed a third 11 is equally as bad as scratching off a 95. You were equally far from victory. That one magical time, however, that tiny 1% boy, I mean when that happened, when you FLIPPED RIGHT TO IT, you were the champion of your own destiny. You were ahead of the curve. You were the coolest kid in school. Sitting back in your seat, you'd get to act all awesome, like you were the shit, all, "Yeah, I don't know if you all saw that, but I flipped right to it because yeah, I can do that on command and did just now. It was intentional. I'm so freakin' good at pagination..." How badly do I wish that was still the case now. I'd be sitting in my cube, someone would stop by to ask me for something from a file, and I'd open it right up to the sheet that they need. I'd start smiling and lean back in my seat. "Don't worry about what I'll be working on later today because...Yeah...I flipped right to it, soooo...I mean....I'll be taking the rest of the day off. Peace losers."

The Aforementioned,

1 comment:

A Money said...


You know that I haven't commented lately, but I need to comment on an old pick. Freakin UPS white board guy is back. But now, he doesn't have a white board... he is just fake writing on a green screen. I hate him, and his old man jason schwartzman haircut, so much.

Please don't pick his new commercials. I can't handle it.

Jack Bauer in '09.

- A Money

p.s. I currently am living with our mutual freshman year roommate. Random, huh?