Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Moaning Noises and Motorcyclists

I was thinking recently, "What embarrassing life detail haven't I told people about yet," and this one sprung to mind. Every now and then, not often, but definitely often enough, when I'm falling asleep, usually in a less than ideal sleeping environment, juuuuuust before I actually fall asleep, but when I'm already dreaming, I will wake myself up with an audible moan. I always recognize that I made a sound and usually cover it up with ANOTHER sound, like clearing my throat or coughing, or grumbling, but I also sometimes just ask, "Did I just make a noise outloud?" which usually results in giggling by whoever is there. This is awkward enough already, but from what I can tell and from what I've been told, the moan is slightly sexual sounding.

Only here's the thing-- IT NEVER HAPPENS WHEN I'M HAVING A SEXUAL DREAM! It's ALWAYS right before I get bitten by a snake or hit by a car, or mauled by a bear (hm-- don't read anything into that one). In my head I'm in terrible danger or trauma, but in reality, I'm the guy in the middle seat on an airplane, trying to sleep with my head straight down and moaning myself back to wakefulness. I'm THAT guy.

On the other hand, it is kind of better than some other options. There's the "about to fall asleep single shout" which sounds like, "AH!" briefly and powerfully. That was an oldie but goodie, but I guess I've grown out of it. I should also be lucky that I don't talk in my sleep, because if what I say while awake is any indication, my sleep talking would be more than a little out of control. Although, I suppose my sleep talking could be where my brain says, "Finally, this asshole stopped making jokes, let's solve some of the world's problems," and I might actually start spouting off foreign policy, cancer solving algorithms, and equations for cold fusion (which would be directly related to my seeing Chain Reaction with Keanu Reeves back in the day-- isn't Cold Fusion a Gillette razor now?).

The one thing I do which I don't mind and would LIKE to know more about is laugh in my sleep. Apparently, I will very very occasionally start laughing-- well, giggling in my sleep. Fingers-crossed, it's not a sign of dimensia, but I am never able to remember what I'm laughing about, and it seems like whatever I'm able to giggle about in my dreams must be pretty hilarious-- unless my subconscious mind finds my impending doom or directionless future amusing, then maybe I'm better off not knowing.

I don't care if you're my best friend in the world-- if you ride a motorcycle and don't follow even the simplest of traffic rules, I hate you. I will yell at you while I drive. I will swear at you on principle and those swears will probably be uncommon and including illogical combinations-- like "douche-fucker." I can abide motorcycles cruising up the space between lanes when I am in deadlocked traffic-- I don't like it, and I think it slows down traffic more and is dangerous and might cause death if I try and switch lanes, but I won't call them out. BUT, in most any other situations, it's uncool. I don't like motorcycles cruising between cars in moving traffic, dodging and weaving and knowing cars will get in trouble if we hit them. It's almost as bad as bicyclists not stopping at stop signs even if it's not their time to go. It's the simple attitude that motorcycles can go and do whatever they want that drives me crazy. Which brings us to this motocycle encounter:

Last week I'm at a left hand turn light. In front of me is a big city bus. I am literally six feet behind the bus at the light. There is nobody behind me. From out of nowhere, a motorcycle cruises up and I see him in my rearview mirror. No big deal. Only instead of pulling up behind me, he PULLS IN FRONT OF ME and wedges himself between me and the bus. I'm obviously shocked, but I'm feeling like making some memories, so I wait for the light and get ready to roll. The light changes, and we turn onto a two lane road that very quickly turns into a one way road. There is a light about 100 yards ahead. As the bus pulls ahead, opening up some space, I see my opportunity and make like Days of Thunder. I'm going low. I'm going low. I'M GOING HIGH! I slam into fourth gear and swing around the outside of the motocycle, zooming past him and pulling in front right as the two lanes merge-- with my Subaru Outback Station Wagon biotch.

The light is red, so I stop right behind the bus and watch as the motocycle approaches behind me, not looking to stop. He vears a little to the left and I angle the car slightly to block him. He looks to zoom around me to the right, so I swing the car back to the right in my limited space-- clearly trying to block him out. I'm laughing happily, having blocked the motorcycle out entirely, until the guy guns the engine and zooms past us ON THE DIRT AND MULCH GROUND (i.e. off the road). He turns and scowls at our shocked and smiling faces as he goes by, in a way not even angry so much as foiled and surprised that anyone would try and hinder his freedom. I suppose that would be his freedom to get 20 feet closer to a red light. Anyway, long story medium length, if you find me in a gutter on the side of the road, with both of my knees broken-- it was probably because of that.

And These Aren't Even Things I'm Stressed Out About,

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