Thursday, September 04, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: "Rainbow's End" Trailmix, Pumper-Rye Bagels, Microwave Cordiality

Trader Joe's "Rainbow's End" trail mix assumes that instead of gold, there are nuts and M&M's at the end of the rainbow. That would be useful if it was a long trip to get there, but ultimately disappointing to those seeking treasure. It's a pessimistic point of view, even for a very tasy product. Can you imagine the reaction?

TREASURE SEEKERS: AHA! We have followed the rainbow from it's arc across the sky to its physically improbable end here on the ground! We will be rewarded with GOLD!
END-OF-RAINBOW-DISTRIBUTOR: Actually, there is no gold-- BUT we do have this mix of fruit, nuts, and chocolate for you!
TREASURE SEEKERS: WHAT? No gold!? What have we risked our lives for? What have we traveled miles and miles for? What have we used all of our vacation and sick days up for?
TREASURE SEEKERS: Well-- are there a lot of almonds?
END-OF-RAINBOW-DISTRIBUTOR: Nope, it's mostly peanuts!

It makes me feel like Trader Joe's is saying, "Why would you want gold when you can have a delicious, healthy snack?" To which I would reply, "So I can afford your goddamn trail mix." What else are they selling? I bet they have "Halloween Avocados" and "Tooth Fairy Millet." Lose a tooth, gain a protein laden grain. I bet they have organic "Geltless Chocolate" for Chanukah and "Santa Presents: Tofu" for Christmas.

Pumper-Rye Bagel:
This one bagel place, Izzy's Bagels, that I go to doesn't have pumpernickel bagels. For most of you, this probably isn't a problem, but since they happen to be my favorite type of bagel, I'm gonna blog about it. Instead of the pumpernickel, they have a hybrid pumpernickel-rye bagel. What type of no-stance, weak-ass bullshit is that? TAKE A STAND! There couldn't have been an influx of people saying, "Well, I like pumpernickel, but only like...50% of a normal bagels worth. I also like Rye. Juuust putting that out there." Incidentally, I didn't realize that bagel technology had evolved to the point where we can make one bagel with two different flavors-- I guess Willy Wonka moved on from the candy business. Now I know what you're thinking-- you're thinking, "Witz, if you take this stance on bagels, doesn't that just open the flood gates for people to argue against gay marriage (two bagels shouldn't become one union), interracial couples (no explanation required), and creativity in general (all things you are in favor of)? Well, my answer is simple-- No! You're absurd for even thinking it. You're absurd for even putting yourself in a position for me to assume that you are thinking it. We're talking about bagels-- something far more important than those other issues. A pumpernickel/rye hybrid robs the consumer of both half pumpernickel and half rye. It is not a 2 in 1 product, it is an 0 for 2 product.

Cordial Microwave:
The microwave in the work kitchen shows the words, "Enjoy Your Meal," when it's done microwaving. This strikes me as a) cocky and b) rather presumptious. As for the cockiness, it's as if the microwave is saying, "Yeah, I'm pretty sweet at microwaving, so ENJOY THAT! I'm sure it's gonna be awesome." It's presumptious in that I'm probably either not microwaving a full meal OR I'm not microwaving anything that will possibly be enjoyable. It comes off as sarcastic. "Hey, enjoy your hot pocket, asshole," or "Wow, that Eating Right chicken is going to be deeeelicious! Enjoy your meal," and then I imagine it winking. It also makes me as a person look bad if I DON'T tell someone that I hope they enjoy their meal. "Oh hey, this microwave cares if I enjoy my lunch-- thanks for not saying anything to me, Witz, we only see each other 8 hours a day, five days a week! BUT I GUESS THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!" Friggen microwave.

Post-Microwave Realization: I was walking back with my bowl of soup in one hand and a cup of ice water in the other and as I walked, the soup melted the ice and I thought "I'm a walking Global Warming Impersonation." I also thought, "If someone bumps into me, they're gonna have two opposite horrible temperature related reactions." This is what I think about.

They're Not All Gems...But Give Then Again, That's What They Said About Coal*,


*Not necessarily true...

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