Monday, December 08, 2008

Witz Pickz: Monday Melange

Today is a big day in my life because today is the day I decided to take my own advice and take a stand. "Cool kids don't say 'maybe.'" Whenever I've typed in a password for the last...couple of years...Firefox has asked me if I want it to remember my password: "Remember, Never For This Site, or Not Now." (For those of you way out of the loop, I'm referring to the Mozilla Firefox internet browser and not a mystical vision quest beast that suspiciously inquires about my passwords, probably with intent to steal my identity).

And for YEARS now, I've continued to say, "Not Now," putting off the decision for the next time. I can try and rationalize it, saying that maybe I DO want Firefox to remember my passwords-- maybe it IS a good idea. In reality, I'm just leading Firefox on-- sorry Firefox, but I don't EVER want you to remember my passwords. Not only could you slut it up with some third party and get all my money stolen, but if I rely on you and your memory to store my passwords, then if we break up and head separate ways, I won't remember any of my passwords, and I'll be shit out of luck. So from now on, starting today, whenever I sign in to something and it asks me that question, my answer is going to be, "Never For This Site." Never for any site. Never.

Wanted and Vantage Point:
I saw two horrrible action movies over the weekend and while I didn't have high expectations, I still managed to be shocked by the absurdity. First, I saw Wanted, which both promised, and delivered, the curving of bullets. Beyond Without giving too much away I'll say that a group of assassins operates exclusively on the secrets that WEAVERS (actually referring to people who weave) sew into fabric. Much like Wonder Yak, who commented about poor Christmas Gift decisions, these weavers asked for a loom for Xmas and decided to make obscure use of it. Sitting in a basement, they now use BINARY CODE STITCHING to send messages to a group of people who include the rapper Common (who's assassin role is in stark contrast to his lyrics about peace), Angelina "Seriously, how is Jon Voigt my Dad" Jolie, and Morgan Freeman, who is clearly the frontrunner in what Hollywood thinks God looks like (There's no way God is black though-- he's constantly helping sports stars win games-- he must be the universe's all-time assists leader-- definitely a white guy). What Wanted teaches us is that bending bullets isn't entirely necessary, innocent people aren't important, and you don't need to name a movie after anything relevant to that film. There is one inane reference to "wanted" in the entire thing, and unless I'm missing a super obvious double entendre, they just didn't want to name it "Curvy Bullets." I did appreciate the extreeeemely long "Guy From Atonement Getting His Ass Beat Down By Guy From Hu$tle" sequence though. It went on for like, 20 minutes.

"It cuuuurves!" Curving bullets is
to white people what spinners are to black people.

Vantage Point was another gem. I can just imagine the writers getting all pumped up about how cool perspectives are. They decided to tell the same 20 minute story from seven or so perspectives. Unfortunately, what any history teacher will tell you, it's not just the number of perspectives that's important, it's WHICH perspectives you choose to show. They showed several different "vantage points" where we, as the audience, didn't learn anything. It was just like, "Oh, so after that guy does something important, he wanders off and stares at the sky. Awesome." One entire 20 minute sequence showed Forrest Whittaker and His Wacky Comedy Eye following someone whose perspective we'd already had. Which means I saw the same scenes twice, once from about five feet behind the other. It was like changing the camera on a video game. Ultimately, Vantage Point teaches us that you don't need a very good reason to try and shoot the President, that you don't need a very good reason to make a movie, and that if you decide to base a movie on gimmicks, you better at least show some goddamn curving bullets.

Radio Commercial For Night Rider:

"Only one show has a talking crime solving car that shoots missiles! OH! And did we mention the missiles?!"

Yes. Yes, you did.

Don't Even Get Me Started On "Jumper,"

P.S. Thanks to Nitro for the Witz Pickz logo. Also, checkout the comments section of Friday's post for an interesting response from a Caltrain conductor. Also, be my follower, effers, I'm not lookin' any cooler here....(click to add your name on the right)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

BOO YAH! Shout-out, bitches!

[insert meaningful comment here]