Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Witz Pickz: Ever Onward-- Wednesday

Here's where I'm at today-- I'm potentially getting the cold that everyone else has (either that or I sleep-swam last night and woke up at 4am covered in pool water and super parched from all my hard work), and have had a song stuck in my head the whole day-- which song? Oh, just a little gem known as "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." WTF?? Fortunately, I only know the good parts, so here's a little window into my brain:

"Oh come all ye faithful.................................Chriiist the Lord!"

Dutch Crunch Bread:San Francisco has an indigenous* bread! Ever since I've been in California, and on the west coast in general, I've seen an overwhelming prevalence of DUTCH CRUNCH BREAD-- rolls to be more precise. I'd never seen this bread before, and started wondering how this phenomenon occurred...WHO is making NEW BREADS??? The answer is NOBODY. Nobody says, "I like sourdough BUT--" they just eat sourdough bread. Chances are, whatever bread you desire has already been made, which is why the next great bread idea turned out to be slicing (and, to a lesser extent, croutons).

SO WHERE DID DUTCH CRUNCH COME FROM, WITZ? Well, reader, it's been around for years, the name is just specific to the San Francisco Bay Area. This explains why, back east, I had the following conversation with my dad while he was on his cell phone at Stop & Shop:

NoPaullution**: What kind of rolls would you like me to get you?
Witz: Dutch crunch if they have it...
NoPaullution: Do you mean a KAISER Roll?
Witz: No, I mean Dutch Crunch.
NoPaullution: Do you mean a CIABATTA Roll?
Witz: No, I really mean Dutch Crunch.
NoPaullution:...Do you mean a BAGUETTE?
Witz: No, I really mean a Dutch Crunch roll.
NoPaullution: Forget it! You'll get what I bring you!

He had never heard of the Dutch Crunch Roll, and therefore, like many, was both frightened and confused by the unknown.

The bread's ACTUAL name is "Tiger Bread" which, as far as I know, is the most badass name of any bread, and is so named for it's cracked pattern. I'm not sure why SF delis took the name and decided to change it to "Dutch" -- a word that is most closely associated with wooden clogs, splitting cost, or a tree disease (although the exterior does look like bark-- sweet, delicious bark), but they did. It has quickly become dear to my heart, and while it does sometimes cut the roof of my mouth mercilessly, I know that, much like tigers, you must take the good with the bad (the good being how cool tigers are-- the bad being a brutal mauling death at the hands of a tiger).

A brief update on Nitro's work-situation: He is alive, but his supervisor went over to the guy and said, "So Kenji...WHAT is WITH the SURGICAL MASK??" Apparently, either Kenji or other people are sick. Nitro's screwed.

Weight Watcher's Mug:
I was just in the work kitchen and there is a Weight Watchers mug. Who, in their right mind, would possibly tote around a mug with "Weight Watchers" on it? Either you used to be fat and now you're skinny and don't want people to know about it, or else EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS YOU'RE FAT. No need to draw attention to it with a logo mug. Plus, the mug was huge which was weird. Like, I'm not sure if it was for tea, a lunch shake, or a bucket of fried chicken. Is it a mug or a burrito koozie? Even weirder, the mug was in the "feel free to use my stuff" area-- like somebody NOT on Weight Watchers is going to pick it up and advertise for the day. That's like wearing a "Race for the Cure" shirt that you found at Salvation Army. Participation is mandatory for these types of things.

Emphatic Diseases:
I realized earlier today that AIDS is one of the most emphatic diseases out there. Like, it is impossible to type AIDS without it looking like you are emphasizing the word.

Person 1: What do you have?
Person 2: AIDS.
Person 1: SHIT!

Person 1: Hey, hope you don't have AIDS! (that'd make a great t-shirt)

AIDS demands the exclamation point-- which is totally fair. It's that visual onomonapoeia that I was talking about a while back. I mean, DAMN, it's AIDS!

I'm Like A Germs Koozie,

*No matter how you look at it, this is not the proper use of indigenous.
**My dad is an energy consultant named Paul.

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