Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Witz Pickz: Where My Head's At (Back On the Pickin' Wagon)

There's a pretty good explanation for why I'm writing this post naked, but I don't feel like it's necessary to get into it. Suffice it to say I just got back from a long run, respect west coast work hours, and don't need clothes because I am pretty much living the dream. In case that doesn't let you know where I'm at today, here are some more things that are on my mind:

I'm almost twenty-seven years old and I'm still scared to open yogurt because I know it's gonna spit at me.

I'm considering taking yoga at my gym because I have the time to do it and figure it might help me avoid some soccer injuries. My hesitation, of course, is that I would suddenly become "9am On A Monday Yoga Guy." Unless I wear clothing made of money stitched together, people are going to know I don't have a job (and even then, it probably would come off a bit desperate, or be like the time I dressed up like a Mummy for Halloween and then it rained. The only thing worse than 9am On A Monday Yoga Guy is Naked 9am On A Monday Yoga Guy). It'll just be jobless me and a bunch of stay at home moms. Incidentally, all of those moms are terrible at their one task of STAYING AT HOME!

This from CNN the othe day:
Bill Clinton: But I do hope he gets some more target practice before he goes out again...
Wolf Blitzer: What do you make of that? I guess it's the implication of the shooting incident where he (Cheney) went hunting a few years ago and shot his friend in the face.

I definitely laughed while on the treadmill at that, which is always very weird for both me and everyone around me. Yes, Wolf, I would say that is probably what he was referring to.

I bought a pack of Euro-Mentos called Aqua Kiss in Paris. I bought them because Aqua Kiss is a gross name for a product, and sounds like something they'd use on you at the dentist's office-- like that thing that sucks all the water out of your mouth-- THAT should be the Aqua Kiss. "Aqua Kiss" shouldn't be something you put in your mouth to improve breath in case of an actual kiss. An "Aqua Kiss" sounds like a sloppy, overactive salivary gland problem that scares people off. "Ugh, he totally aqua-kissed me. It was like kissing a Smart Water." And you know what? When I ate one-- my mouth had a lot more saliva! Maybe that really is what it's supposed to do?

Paris also has condom dispensers in the Metro, which is both presumptuous and problematic. It's presumptuous because it's like the french are saying, "We know, we know, Paris is romantic, so much so that we must place condoms in our least romantic location." I rarely buy condoms WHILE smelling urine. It's problematic because the Metro is the LEAST friendly place in the city. The rule is not to make eye-contact with anyone, so it's very unlikely you're going to meet someone ON THE METRO and immediately be like, "Let's do this thing-- oh no, I don't have a-- OH WAIT, I can get one on the way out so there's no time for us to think better of this." Why might you think better of it? Oh, because anyone you meet on the metro who plans to buy a condom AT the metro has a previous criminal record AND is a virtual choose your own adventure book of STDs. It's also weird, because putting condoms in the Metro is like advertising, "The Metro: You Can Fuck Here.**" My biggest concern, however, is simply WHO BUYS METRO DISPENSER CONDOMS?? I wouldn't buy winter gloves in the subway, but people are willing to trust Metro Condoms??

"Honey, did you pick up some condoms?"
"Why, yes dear, I grabbed them at the Metro just today."
"I knew you wanted children!"

One STD Free Person + One STD Free Person + 1 Metro Condom = Two People With STDs

Somebody showed me these online:

Now try and picture somebody UNDER 300 pounds wearing them. Can't do it, can you?

As the Presidio Crew and I were discussing, M&M's melt in your hand exactly as easily as Reese's Pieces do, despite their claims. I think it's alright though, because it's basically portion control. "Hey fatty, maybe try and eat them slower next time, huh? Try taking three out of the bag at once. Oh, you're sharing the bag at the movies? Well, see your chocolatey palm? Yeah-- that means you're a dick."

I don't find pizza bagels to be anywhere near as good as either pizza or bagels, which are two of my favorite things in the world. They say "when pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!" which makes me think that if you eat pizza bagels for dinner, you're not taking full advantage of the offer. You know what else I can eat anytime? Pizza. And bagels. Because I'm a goddamn adult. Also, in that equation, the bagel seems to represent "Anytime," right? Like, it could be described mathematically as "X + Bagel = Appropriate All the Time." So, really, I can put whatever the hell I want on a bagel and eat it whenever the hell I want. "When burritos are on a bagel, you can eat burritos anytime!"

Witz: When a bottle of beer is on a bagel, you can have a bottle of beer anytime!
Person: But you drank that beer and didn't even touch your bagel!
Witz: Shhhhut up.

Orange has to be the least hip-hop word ever. Nothing rhymes with it. Least hip hop words and phrases:

5) Poland Springs
4) Quinoa
3) upper-middle class
2) hysterectomy
1) Orange

Any of These Jokes Landing?,

**Which would actually be ripping off the marketing of The Days Inn.


IrishGal said...

Have you considered opening your yogurt in the other direction so it spits on other people?

Dave said...

Swollen Members - Rockapella lyrics
As ten thousand maniacs emerge form an oasis that’s everclear
My soundgarden was invented to blind melons and smash pumpkins
How could a whole nation of crash test dummies hope to release the grapes
of wrath
On the day of Sabbath knowing it’ll be black
Especially when they might be giants and they take to the air with stone
temple pilots
I’m in a parachute club with the motley crew
My b-52, fires nine inch nails
Radiohead, I cause phonetic quiet riots
My tragically hip fight with the spirit of the west
Society’s no fucking use to where white zombies have nofx
Now cowboys are turning into junkies
Hanging themselves with lasso’s, singing blues about rodeo’s that once
stood true
Have no time to fight with those fools
Alice’s in chains and cold hearted iron maidens claim the have the ministry
of sound for U2
While everyone’s raging against the machines
Their watching us on satellites form Georgia
But there’s more in my set than Atlantis and it won’t crash into Vegas
cause my man smith has the arrow
The moral to this peril is Hades have no fury and mc’s scorn
And I would continue this verse but nothing rhymes with orange!!

Witz said...

Consider me Rockapella served.

and IrishGal, I might be scared, but I'm not evil.