Monday, July 13, 2009

Witz Pickz: The Neverending Hilarity of Life

The other day, my friend, Dani Law, asked me how I'm able to write about funny things when I'm depressed. I told her that it's easy because regardless of how I'm feeling, there is always hilarious stuff going on around us. I haven't felt very funny the last few weeks, but the world has been too ridiculous for me to ignore any more, so I'll try to play catch up:

Michael Jackson Died:
Did you guys hear about this? I understand that the man wrote some hit songs and is a musical legend, but the operative word there is WROTE. People are acting like he had another musical contribution up his sleeve, but all he had up his sleeve was candy and the keys to a white van with tinted windows. Plus, the man was BATSHIT CRAZY. On one of the millions of bios they showed after his death, Jackson claims that God turned his skin white and that, "People call us colored because we come in so many different colors."
I promise you that's not why people call you colored. Although I do think that's a great opening for a lot of racists to get off the hook: "Uh, yeah, that's toootally all I meant...I was celebrating diversity!"

Ironically, (if people are at all like me...which I guess they probably aren't...and I'll cite the "being frightened by my own back hair" story in this case...) by "memorializing" Michael Jackson's death on tv and the radio and in clubs and at concerts, people are probably going to get sick of him and move on faster.

Speaking of saying one thing and meaning another,check out this Domino's commercial:

I love how Memphis manages to come off as an extremely racist douchebag within .5 seconds simply by arguing about pizza. "David Ortiz" aka Cali Chicken is all, "Ours is better" and Memphis BBQ is all, "No, ours is better," and then Cali Chicken is all, "No, ours is better," and then Memphis is all, "How about we put some south in your mouth!?" and then everyone watching is like, "WHOOOOOOOOAH WHAT??"

How about we put some SOUTH? In your MOUTH? Who let that through the censors? Is that what people say in Memphis? Like, is that a normal thing to say to someone? "Hey Bill, good seeing you and the wife at the hardware store today. How about this weekend you come by and we'll put some south in your mouth?" It sounds a lot more like when two people are arguing and things escalate and then someone drops the N-bomb or the J-bomb or the F2-bomb (not the f-bomb, but the one for guys who like guys) and everyone listening does their best Sopranos impression to let them know they've crossed the line.

And what's with Domino's trying to start eight different kinds of riots? At the beginning of the commercial, the people in the background are like, "We playfully debate your crazy pizzas!" and by the end they're ready to knife each other and drink their victim's blood to wash down the pizzas that they have never even tried before, but now defend through a false sense of regionalism. Domino's Race Riot Pizzas. The advertising makes me NOT want to get involved. I don't even vote in local elections most of the time, I'm not ready to support an overaggressive regional pizza.

This isn't the first time tempers have flared up in the summer. Something about the heat gets people a little crazy and that's when things like this Domino's feud get out of hand. Fortunately for you Islamic women, you can finally cool off in the pool without having to shed all those clothes that keep you at a totally comfortable temperature in the sun! Introducing...THE BURQINI!

It's just like that song, "She wore a teenie weenie, itsy bitsy, navy full body burqini..."

After reading a number of testimonials, it sounds like they've allowed much wanted freedom for hundreds of muslim women, and the joy the women expressed makes me happy the product exists. Here's my favorite testimonial:

"My Summer? It went swimmingly!...Here I am to the right in my superhero pose. It was a running joke this summer; when I slipped on my modest swimsuit, I turned into super-mommy. I could do anything! You see that lake behind me? I swam in it all day comfortably! And I didn't get sympathy looks from bystanders. I got compliments one kind, older lady even asked me where I got my suit and I had to spell out the name a few times: A-h-i-i-d-a. She was a very pale woman who wanted a suit to protect her skin from sunburn." (Gulsen A.)

I guess I just love the idea that an old white lady is going to buy a burqini and swim around in it, more than likely oblivious to the original purpose of its creation.

I can only imagine the possibilities this might lead to...

"These are the most comfortable pajamas ever!"

I Could Really Go For Some East In My Teeth...What? That's A Very Common East Coast Pizza-centric Expression...,

Photos Courtesy of Nitro

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