Monday, August 10, 2009

Witz Pickz: 2009: A Toilet Odyssey

I live in a world where toilets are like slot machines-- you put something in, pull a lever and it all goes down the drain. So, it's not surprising that when E-Funk All-Star told me, "I just went to a house that has an automatic ass washer and dryer built into the toilet," my initial response was, "A) Are you sure the toilet wasn't just broken and B) I'm not entirely convinced you know how to properly work a hair dryer."

Then I saw the keypad:

Someone, somewhere saw a washer and dryer in the basement of their first apartment and thought, "Someday, I'll have a washer/dryer of my own...FOR. MY. ASS."

Look at the options on this thing! The controls look like the ADT security system my parents have at their house, only this thing would probably be more terrifying-- and it's always armed. On that note, let's start with the "Cleansing" options. Apparently, this toilet has J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets Jets, and they're aimed at the business end of your business end.

There's a front cleansing button which is pink implying that is is for women, which seems reasonable, except that I promise you EVERY SINGLE GUY who has EVER used that toilet has pressed the front cleansing button. It's just way too hilarious an option. Then you have the "Rear Cleansing" options: Soft and Regular. "Soft" has a little image of a plume of water spraying the general vicinity of Our Man's undercarriage. "Regular" depicts a water cannon with a missile lock on your five hole. I can't even imagine the first time you decide you need the "regular strength" butt cleanse. Hygiene aside, that has to be like riding the flume at a theme park ass naked on your back.*

Butt wait, there's more! Take a gander at the "oscillating" and "pulsing" buttons. Now, as far as oscillating goes, I've spent one too many hot days in front of a fan to think that the jet of water doesn't go side to side. "No, no, no, ahhhh, no, no, no." I just don't understand why it would do that-- and even if it goes back and forth, there really isn't that much room to work with. What happens if you only select "Rear cleanse" and "oscillate?" Does it just blow up? Just, Boom. Dead. Toilet Death. Even David Carradine's like, "Man, that'd be embarrassing." As far as pulse goes, I can't imagine a time when "pulsing" would be any better than just a constant stream of water-- we're not makin' smoothies here. Actually, I can think of one reason, which is why between the oscillating and the pulsing, I think we can agree that whoever sold this product is basically saying, "If you've ever wanted to fuck the fountain at the Bellagio-- you're gonna love what we're selling!" I wonder if there's, like, a Mozart of the Washer/Drier toilet-- just playing that keypad like a baby grand...

The dryer button seems pretty self-explanatory, only if it's anything like those hand dryers in public bathrooms, you're going to be there for forty-five minutes, but let's be honest, if you've ever been in the guy's bathroom at a college dorm, this drier is pretty much just cutting out the thinly veiled charade.

Which leaves us with the "stop" button. I like how the "STOP" button is marked VERY CLEARLY on the keypad- it's capitalized, color coded, and includes the universal VCR symbol for "Stop!" It's like a safe word, and I'd have one finger on that at all times in case of technical malfunction or if I'm just ready to tap out. Because, while light shows are fun and we all enjoy spinning the roulette wheel, sometimes you're only at the casino to play the slots.

I Can't Believe I Went Through That Whole Casino Analogy and Didn't Make a Craps Joke-- Stayin' Classy,

*Similar to why someone would invent the front cleanse, someone had to said, "Wow, look at Old Faithful-- such an amazing natural geyser. If only it could be UP. MY. BUTT." (That was like Witz Pickz bonus footage-- it wouldn't fit in the original post, but you all are reading the director's cut).


Dave said...

Maybe oscillate goes vertical instead of horizontal -- who wants a grundle bath??

MF Jim said...

Japanese powered toilet makers have recently decided to make the "STOP!" button in English, even on toilets made for Japan. Since visitors from the US aren't used to the toilets, they often found themselves being manipulated from below with no idea how to turn it off.