Saturday, September 05, 2009

Witz DOESN'T Pick: BBBFF (Best Buy Best Friends Forever)

Best Buy thinks we're friends. I bought a laptop from them online and immediately received an email saying, "Thank you for your purchase." Cool. You're welcome Best Buy. Forty-five minutes later they sent me another email saying my laptop was ready to be picked up. "Oh hey, thanks Best Buy, but I already knew that. I appreciate the head's up, though." A few minutes later I got another email: "Look What Else You Can Get At Best Buy!" Stop the push-- you look desperate.

Then, today: "Thanks for picking up your order." OH MY GOD, GET OFF MY TIP, BEST BUY! What else was I gonna do, just leave my new laptop sitting in your store? Please stop emailing me. We're not friends, alright? I'm just using you for your products. There, I said it. I'm sure you're a great store and have tons of camcorders and Wii accessories, and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who will appreciate and love you for those things, but I'm just not one of them. I needed a laptop, I'd had a few drinks and there you were, just hanging out in front of me with what I needed on sale. We're not friends. I'm not gonna call you, but if I do, it will be after 10pm, wondering if you're still open and yes, that is a booty call.

I always find it weird when businesses try and be your friend. First of all, friends are people, not companies. If someone asks me who I'm having over, I'll never say:

"Oh, you know, the usual: Nick, James, Ryan, Best Buy--"
"--Best Buy's coming?"
"Weird, what about Circuit City?"
"I don't want to talk about it."

And yet companies keep trying it. Radio Shack has an ad right now that says, "Our friends call us "The Shack." No, they don't. YOU call yourself "The Shack" and that's weird. There was a kid in my college who told people freshman year, "Call me Captain." It wasn't a nickname he'd had before, he just wanted to be called "Captain.".....
Besides, Radio Shack sounds outdated to begin with and calling yourself "The Shack" doesn't make you sound any cooler. "You want the top electronic items on the market? Come to the small, teetering, shoddily built hut." actually contains this entry:

shack –noun
1. a rough cabin; shanty.
2. Informal. Radio Shack.

That's not somewhere I want to shop, nevermind be friends with. You remember that game M.A.S.H.? You remember what happened when you got the "S?" Yeah, you were pissed, because you were living in a shack. Not to mention you were upset because you ended up marrying the girl who was only on the list in the first place because she was the one playing the game with you. You know, hypothetically. Anyway, nobody wants to associate themselves with shacks. That's like how Circuit City went out of business when they implemented the ill-advised and short lived advertisement, "Our friends call us "The C Word."

Blockbuster is a perfect example of what happens when a business tries to be your friend. They were like, "H-hi! W-want to watch a movie?" and we said, "Eh, maybe. Can I borrow this?" and they said, "Yeah! B-bring it back whenever, it doesn't matter, I won't charge you for it or anything if it's late..." and then they never had any movies in their stores. They tried to get us back with their movies in the mail, but at that point, Blockbuster just looked sad and pathetic and Netflix was standing in the corner acting cool, not caring what we did.

Netflix knows what's up-- they don't act like your friend, they act like a drug dealer:

"Yo, whatchu want?"
"Um, The Watchmen, Fighting, The Go-Getter--"
"Slow down man! Look-- just make a list for me, I'll get you what you need."
"Alright...hey, do you have Funny People?"
"Not yet man, but I'll get you some of that when I do. Cool?"
"Yeah, that sounds good."

Then, they get us into shit we never would have tried on our own. They're all, "Hey man, you liked 'Monsoon Wedding'? You're gonna effing LOVE 'Ashtanga, NY.'"* It's no different from, "Hey man, you liked cocaine? You're gonna effing LOVE crack!" They don't try and be your friend-- they keep it professional. And every now and then, Netflix leans in and whispers in your ear, "I might be your drug dealer, but I know you better than anyone else on this planet," and you don't say anything at the time, but you keep going back for more-- because you know that it's true.

I'm Not Gonna Call You Chuck**,

*Incidentally, there are an inordinate number of movies Netflix thinks I'll love based on my enjoyment of Monsoon Wedding years ago.

**You're in charge of my fucking money, dude! I don't want "Chuck" running my shit, I want Mr. Charles Schwab MANAGING my FINANCES.

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