Monday, November 16, 2009

Witz Pickz: Goin' Nuts - Today's Project

Let me preface this by stating that the reason I haven't posted recently is because I have been doing a number of very cool things and seeing cool people in New York City, a cool place that I have moved to via a cool road trip. Having said that, let me explain what I have spent the last twenty minutes doing.

I have spent the last twenty minutes sorting through nuts and cranberries in an attempt to create a quality trek mix out of assorted materials from Trader Joe's. Don't worry-- it's worse than it sounds.

You see, I have one big ziplock bag which was filled with two bags of Trader Joe's "Just Almonds, Cashews, and Cranberries," which is so named because it doesn't have any fucking chocolate in it and they don't want you to have any misconception of what you are getting yourself into for $4.49. Over the last couple of weeks (read: over a couple of hours two weeks ago), I have eaten the contents of the ziplock bag to "Casual Completion." "Casual Completion" means that I have eaten enough of the cashews and almonds that they are not easily discovered in the overabundant sea of dried cranberries which are in the aforementioned abundance either because dried cranberries are really cheap or because Trader Joe's dramatically overestimated their appeal. In other words: There are too many fucking cranberries.

Having given up on my big ziplock bag, I bought ANOTHER bag of the same mix along with a bag of Trader Joe's chocolate chips so that I could make my own badass trek mix. I poured the mix and the chocolate into a smaller ziplock bag, and quickly realized that there was way too much chocolate in the mix to still refer to it as "trek mix" and not "dessert." In order to keep my self-delusion alive, something had to be done. This is when the other bag caught my eye.

Yep. For the past twenty minutes, I have been sifting through dried cranberries in order to salvage almonds and cashews that I can take from the larger ziplock bag and place into the smaller ziplock bag until the "Trek Mix" ratio is restored. I have been doing this to the point that my palm is now slightly red from the berries, a condition I call "Cran-Hand" which is not only sticky and annoying, but makes your hand look like you've been putting in overtime hours at the Fluffer Factory.*

It's important to note that I am not clinically insane, nor do I have OCD. At the same time, it's important to note that I'm partially color blind, especially red/brown/green, and so distinguishing an almond from multiple cranberries is not as easy as it might seem. I think the MOST important thing to note is that I have other things I could do to occupy my time, I have $4.49 to buy another bag of trek mix, and yet there isn't a particularly good reason not to do what I have been doing. At the end of the day, I have a pretty badass bag of trek mix and you don't...and that's pretty cool.

Wapner At Five,

*And I don't mean this place...

1 comment:

Nitro said...

A message doesn't have to be written in blood to be considered a cry for help.
I'm jut sayin'.