Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Witz DOESN'T Pick: A-Train Fitness

Sleep is a big deal for me. For starters, I seem to get sick the first stretch of time I don't get enough of it. To make matters worse, I'm terrible at it. Just...bad. You know how some people are with guitar, saying, "I'd love to learn how to play, but I just don't think it's my thing?" Well, that's how I am with sleep. I love sleep, it is magical and wonderful and...necessary for sanity...but I've lost the ability to do it well.

I flip from side to side, I go full covers, no covers, some covers, leg out, leg in. I fall asleep on my arm and wake up thinking, "THIS IS THE TIME I LEFT IT TOO LONG!" flailing the weight around and poking at it until life returns. I use my pillows like golf clubs; using a larger one for when I'm on my back and swapping it out for a thinner one when I'm lying on my side. Three times in the last month I woke up literally clawing at the walls with my fingernails. No idea why, but the walls won. So the last thing I need is something waking me up early in the morning after falling asleep late at night.

Allow me to introduce you to A-Train Fitness. A-Train Fitness is the personal training business directly beneath my apartment. A-Train, if that is his real name (it's not, his name is Anwar), is the personal trainer in charge. I don't know if he is affiliated in any way with the actual A train that runs nearby in Brooklyn, but more and more, recently, it has felt like the train itself is waking me up.

A-Train's schtick is that he plays music REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY. And not just music, but music with lots of BASS. The bass is the only part I'm able to hear, and I feel it, too-- it shakes the floor, trembles up the posts of my bed, and ear-fucks me into consciousness. As if the volume isn't enough, this isn't your consistent house music bass. There's never a regular 4/4 drum and bass beat for me to fall back asleep to. It always sounds like the speakers have bass tourettes: "....BOOM BOOM....BAHBOOM.........BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM........BOOMBAMBOOM......BOOMBAMFUCKYOUWITZBAMBOOM!" Anytime I think a steady beat is emerging, it suddenly switches up. It's like Girl Talk made a "bass only" album. So, it is impossible (for me) to fall back asleep.

Obviously, I need to say something, but the timing is never right. I don't want to interupt him with a client, I don't want to be bleary-eyed and out of my mind angry when I talk to him, and I don't really know what he looks like out of context. Plus, I'm extremely intimidated by this dude, which probably comes partially from him being a jacked, badass, black dude who calls himself A-Train, and partially from being the victim of his aural-rapings day after day. I've considered waiting for a pause in the music and doing the "stomp, stomp, stomp," which is the universal morse code for "OHMYGOD SHUT UP!", but I didn't want to be passive-aggressive. So, I did what every terrified, but uppity white man does: I decided to write him a letter:


Dear A-Train,

My name is Witz (but everyone calls me W-Train), and I live above your personal training establishment. Along with the partially succesful double-entendre in your establishment's title, I am impressed with your training technique, which appears to be to simulate a warzone, full of booming frenzy, stress, and inflatable workout balls. I do not think it will surprise you to learn, however, that this technique is extremely disruptive to my apartment. Every bass beat reverberates in our home, and it has only gotten louder as you have no doubt gotten deafer with every day, week, and month. It is not so bad during the day, but you have started blasting this bass as early as 6am on both weekdays AND weekends, including Sunday. You know who likes to rest on Sunday? THE LORD. You know who else likes to rest? Everyone else.

So, I would kindly ask that you turn down the bass. Surely, you're a good enough personal trainer to motivate out of shape, rich people to do a sit-up or a pull down without audio-armageddon raining down upon them. If not, I still urge you to find another way, as it is only a matter of time before your early morning bass causes me to snap, come downstairs, knife your eyes out, climb into your empty eye-holes, and sleep the deep sleep of the righteous.


P.S. I have a coupon for a free 30-minute session that expired on March 31st-- can I still use it??

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