Monday, July 12, 2010

Witz Flickz: 2012

The end must be near, because I've resorted to watching 2012. Like you all, I know that the movie "2012" is about the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan Civilization.

"We were warned," reads the poster. Please, you don't spend billions of dollars creating a worst case scenario plan just because some calendar enthusiasts back in 800 AD said 2012 was The End. Every few years, a handful of cults commit suicide because "The end is near," and yet year after year, October rolls around and I have to watch the Yankees in the playoffs. What, should I not buy Christmas presents in 2012? Is this one really a lock? And what's the policy on presents for people whose birthday is on December 21? Do I buy one and just not expect a thank you note? Don't you hate it when your birthday lands on the same day as the apocalypse?

1 min: Uh oh, planets are aligning. How come nothing good ever comes from planets aligning?? It's always, "the end of the world," or, "intense heat." It's never, "Crops grow more abundantly," or, "penises enlarge."

3 min: The black dude from "Love Actually" (he's been in a lot more stuff, but I wanted to use an example where I think there was only one black person in the entire movie) is in a copper mine in India. Is the world gonna end because they ran out of copper to make Duracell batteries?

5 min: The biggest solar eruptions in recorded history have just been...recorded...causing the highest neutrino count ever. How come I can't hear the word "Neutrinos" and not think about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. "For the first time ever, the Nutrinos are causing a physical reaction." That's not true-- that one Neutrino was hot.

6 min: Just in case we didn't get that it was getting hot, an old Indian man in the copper mine dunks his feet in a big bucket of ice and says, "Ahhh, that feels good." Thanks. Oh, also the Earth's core is heating up. Core strength: Not just for yoga anymore.

7 min: Chiwetel Ejiofor: The Science Guy (not quite the same ring to it...) delivers the geology report to Oliver Platt, who initially blows him off. DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY?? He then reads the unverified report from this stranger and says, "You're about to meet the President." Soo, we're all basically one wikipedia entry away from the Oval Office. Huh.

9 min: It's 2010, we're at the G8 Summit and you're not gonna believe who The President is: DANNY GLOVER. He's GOTTA be too old for this shit.

10 min: "The we know it...will soon come to an end..." The President begins. Taking a cue from Tosh.0, let's see how many jokes we can make for this one in 30 seconds:

1) "...3 items are only 2 dollars at Taco Bell."
2) "...They remade the Karate Kid."
3) "...It's DiGiorno."
4) "...((Loud Farting Sound))"
5) "...people no longer like Lebron James."
6) " I have terminal cancer and Mel Gibson is the vice-president."

11 min: It's now 2012, and a bunch of Guatamalans have committed suicide outside a Mayan temple because it was predicted the Earth would end on December 21, 2012. Not to rain on your suicide party (reschedule, move indoors, or proceed?), but that seems like opening Christmas presents before Christmas morning; or buying a yacht because someone told you they think you're gonna win the lottery. Just hang in there, sport.

12 min: John Cusack's here! I don't know which is less believable, that his name is "Jackson" or that his character was once married to Amanda Peet. He's divorced with two kids, and one of them makes me glad that the world is going to end. They're going to Yellowstone.

20 min: The world is ending and our B-plot appears to be that The Science Guy thinks The President's Daughter is cute. FML.

25 min: It's getting hot, hot, hot. BUT it's a DRYYYYY heat! Every time I hear "the Earth's crust" it just sounds so delicious. Anyway, it's destabilizing, which suuuuuuucks.

26 min: "Allll this technology and we didn't see it coming. The Mayans predicted this." Yeah, and Nostradomus predicted the JFK Assasination-- shut up.

28 min: Woody Harrelson!? He's 2012's Randy Quaid! He's a crazy guy who lives in Yellowstone National Park and broadcasts on the radio from his hovel camper.* I hope I don't shed silent tears again when he dies.

37 min: Aaaand they personified the Earth's crust (mmm). The cracks are coming for you! Apparently, there are spaceships ready to take about 400,000 people to safety. Danny Glover looks older than he'd like to be when dealing with this predicament.

39 min: There are only 2-3 days left before all hell breaks loose. Ummm, it doesn't appear to be December 19th, so the Mayans were wrong? That's why you can't be cocky when predicting the end of the world-- just ballpark it. 2012 would have been close enough.

45 min: Hahaha, ok. After a few minutes of John Cusack trying to convince Amanda Peet that they need to leave Los Angeles and having her completely blow him off, all hell breaks loose as an Earthquake hits, and when Amanda Peet ludicrously STILL tries to blow him off he yells, "GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!" Well played, PG-13 movie.

48 min: The entire Earth's crust (god, I'm hungry) is collapsing. It's hard to believe they used CGI for this. No, seriously, it looks that bad-- I cannot believe this is advanced cinematic technology. Anyway, millions of people are dead, but John Cusack and his unconvincing, broken family escaped on a plane, so that's a win.

58 min: Woody Harrelson decides to stay to watch the park volcanically explode because, "It's SO BEAUTIFUL!" He dies while making "It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!" guy look like a beacon of stoicism and logic.

61 min: John Cusack jumped the RV! They didn't even do that in the movie RV!

70 min: Oh. Sad. Danny Glover is legitimately too old for this shit. He's not going on the spaceship.

80 min: Looks like The Smoke Monster escaped The Island and has been binging on fast food. A huge dark cloud of destruction and ash looms. Our alleged protagonists are heading towards China and the spaceships on a big cargo plane. This whole thing would be a lot better if Baloo was involved.

85 min: Remind me to never ever try and take refuge in The White House-- that place is constantly getting blown up when disasters, aliens, or time traveling apes occur.

90 min: The main problem with this movie is that they didn't make me care about ANYBODY. Millions of people are dying, and I have no reason to believe that Humanity's Future will be any better by having sad sack John Cusack and his family get on a spaceship. There's no enemy, no way to fight back, it's just a movie about most people dying and they don't even particularly get into the morality of our final actions**. Existence, as we know it, is ending, and they want me to care if John Cusack and Amanda Peet get back together??

103 min: Their plane is going down, but the Earth's crust (how good was stuffed crust pizza?) shifted, so they're heading exactly where they want to be. For those of you not familiar with narrative devices, that is called a "deus ex fuck you, viewer." Jackson, in an attempt to have "Action" added to the beginning of his title, gets everyone into a car so they can drive off the back of the plane as it crash lands.

112 min: 28 Minutes to impact of tidal wave at the spaceships. There are 43 minutes left in the movie-- is the rest of the movie done in real time??

118 min: "They're not spaceships, buddy, they're arks." DON'T LOOK AT THEM, YOU'LL MELT! Oh-- not that kind of ark. They're actually loading animals onto these ships...this is exactly like if KIRK Cameron had directed Titanic!

120 min: The family sneaks on board via the cargo hold with the help of extraneous characters I didn't want to waste your time with...although, as far as I can tell, every character in this movie is extraneous. This thing shoulda just been a 15 minute CGI simulation on Youtube set to Enigma's "Return to Innocence."

129 min: "One Minute Until Impact." Pff, whatever, if it's not a Deep Impact, I don't even care anymore. By the way, Amanda Peet's new husband died, but nobody's too upset about it since it frees up John Cusack to get back with her guilt free.

135 min: John Cusack's going all Bruce Willis in Armageddon and is going on a suicide mission to unblock something that is keeping the gate from shutting completely and allowing water to rush in. P.S. They're heading towards crashing into Mount Everest.

147 min: John Cusack unblocks the gears, the gate closes, and they are all saved. But get this-- John Cusack survives. What kind of BULLSHIT suicide mission was that! That was just a regular mission! Total scam.

148 min: "Day 27. Month 1. Year 0001." Man, they totally set themselves up for a sequel! Incidentally, I'm pretty sure you can just call it Year 1, without the extraneous placeholders. Then again, if you call it Year One, nobody will see it. ZING! (I saw it, so it's ok for me to make that joke).

155 min: The movie's coming to a close and they're all heading for land to start civilization over again. They're going to settle in Africa, which makes it the most extreme Back to Africa movement of all time. Everyone gets to go on deck and breath fresh air again, but all I'm thinking is, "6 billion people were drowned, aren't there just going to be bodies EVERYWHERE??" The answer is no, and as we watch John Cusack put his arms around Amanda Peet, we can go to sleep knowing that everything is ooooookaaay.


*Hovel Camper is a great name for a metal band. You can use it.

**And when they do, it's absurd. They argue about the morality of charging people to buy one of the limited seats on the ships, when everyone deserves a chance to survive...which is great in theory, except they need the billions upon billions of dollars to BUILD THE SHIPS.


MF Jim said...

1) Nice. Keep the Flickz comin'

2) Feel free to defer my birthday gift and take a mulligan if things don't collapse before 2013.

3) Hope 2012 is the real deal. Don't want to feel deflated like Busta Rhymes on MTV's New Years 2000 after he predicted that would be the apocalypse in each album from 1995 on. His career has yet to recover. (2:50)

Unknown said...

1. I love your reference to Rescue Rangers - that show f-ing rocked.

2. "DOUBLE RAINBOW...WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?!?" I means light was bouncing off moisture in the air, dick.

3. I had the same underwhelmed question: where were all the bodies?


Witz said...

Hahahaha, alright:

MF Jim: Thanks, and as for your birthday, I'm actually going to combine this year's, next year's, and 2012's into one AMAZING BEST GIFT OF ALL TIME which you will receive in 2013. Busta Rhymes sure put a lot of stock in the world ending...and the weird thing is that if he was successful because of it and then the world DID end, it wouldn't matter! That guy was weird though...always wanting to see my hands.

1) I was going for Tailspin, but Rescue Rangers DID fucking rock.

2) Hahahaha, well played, sir.

3) I bet there ends up being a big, "The Apocalypse never happened" movement. Also, why'd they save so many old people!

Dave said...

Double Rainbow Auto-tuned

Dave said...

Double Rainbow Auto-tuned