Monday, August 02, 2010

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Robot Apocalypse (Yet again...)

What part of Terminator DIDN'T the Japanese understand? They seem to have a preoccupation with inventing a predator that can destroy humanity. I get it-- you're good at robots-- but if the Predator movies taught us anything, it's that WE DON'T WANT TO BE PREY. And yet, time and time again, I see new videos of robots doing more and more human acts, proving to me that it's only a matter of time before the Great Robot Rebellion of 2012 that sends us into extinction or mass slavery (and I would make a TERRIBLE slave. I'm barely alright working for a salary with vacation days). But you can see for yourself-- introducing ASIMO (Note: this post contains numerous youtube videos, so if you're reading on facebook, click this to read and watch the videos through

More like AWESOME-MO! Am I right?? Look, ASIMO is kinda adorable, and I do appreciate the fact that there is someone out there looking whiter than me when they dance, but they're only cute until the moment when they decide to kill us all. Did you see the way they clap? They don't actually touch hands, they leave a little space for where a human skull would be. We even taught them to climb stairs so we have nowhere to flee (we actually played that song for my great-grandma every time she went up and down the stairs; so inspiring). Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking, "But robots don't have free will, so we're safe." Oh yeah? Check this video out:

They're already rebelling!! ASIMO drops that bitch's mail and then does a little "Fuck You" curtsy, turning its back on the human masters. "But why would they want to kill us?" you ask? Ohhhh, I dunno, how about this:

Yyyup! It's literally just 54 seconds of ASIMO holding out a fishtank. I'D start killing humans if someone made me just hold out a fishtank for a minute. Besides, that's not even impressive. What's impressive is my friend passed out, balancing a beer bottle on his blacked out fingertips:

The only reason that we're still alive today is because they are still working out some issues with the robots...

Hehehehehehehehehe...awww...that's good stuff.

Only one thing could concern me more than making robots that resemble humans-- robot snakes. But why would anyone make robot snakes? I mean, they'd be exactly like regular snakes only made out of a strong metal, be impossible to kill, and could attack for whatever reason it wanted since it wouldn't have reptilian instincts directing its actions...

Well, fuck my abbreviated-snake-robot-ended life.

How Many of You Would Name Your Robot Isaac ASIMO? Neeeerds,

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