Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Marketing For Dummies

"Trader Joe's Super Soft Bath Tissue has the power to make your anxieties melt away. It's super soft, living up to its name, and guaranteed to bring a smile with every use. Don't take our word for it. Take this miracle roll home and try it!"

First of all, false. It's not super soft, it's more like the roll of recycled toilet paper that my parents have in their house. Apparently, my parents are trying to make up for the fact that their generation is leaving my sister and I with looming armageddon by only buying toilet paper that feels like it was peeled right off a birch tree.

(Seventh Generation-- so named because when you wipe your ass with it, your great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids will feel the pain.)

Second of all, if I'm smiling while wiping my ass, something's very wrong. There's a time and a place for smiles and laughter and it's not while my hand is navigating dangerous spatial relationships via my mind. And what's this guarantee? Can I walk into a Trader Joe's, hand them the empty packaging and say, "Yeah, so, this didn't tickle my anus or bring joy to my heart, where's my money?" It's not a miracle roll, it's some dead trees that have been put in the unfortunate position of being on the business end of our business ends. Wait, is that what Fern Gully was about?

Speaking of toilet paper, the Denny's marketing has been annoying me for a while now. They keep advertising this 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu where each item is either two dollars, four dollars, six dollars, or eight dollars. Wait, so you have a list of items that range in value from two to eight dollars? You know what that's called? A MENU! You just have a regular menu. I can't imagine Moons Over My Hammy have gotten adjusted much for inflation since my last visit so stop trying so hard-- if someone makes the decision to eat at Denny's, they're gonna do it regardless of your marketing. That goes double if they're ordering this:

Yyyup. That's a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks inside. You bet your ass I want one, but I have two little devils on my shoulders named "Shame" and "Restraint" so I'm not gonna have one. And, in case you were wondering, yes, this is why other countries hate us.

Finally, if you're anything like me (don't worry, I won't tell anyone), you watch a lot of shows on Hulu. Lately, they've been showing ads before the shows and during commercial breaks with a little choice at the top corner asking, "Is this ad relevant to you?" Oohhohoho Boy! As far as Hulu is concerned, I'm a middle-aged closeted gay pacific islander who's afraid to talk about HIV within my community, who drives a mini-van, uses swiffer mops, is against bringing your own bag to the supermarket, HATES wheat thins and doesn't want anything to do with cotton. THAT'S who's watching 30 Rock.

I hope this post is as useful to you as my Old Dogs post was to this person, who is totally, obviously, completely not a spammer in India being paid mere cents an hour to push terrible American products:*

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Witz Flix: Old Dogs":
Good dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information.

Just glad I could help you with your "college assignment," Anonymous! I know those Old Dogs papers can be rough, but you sound like you have it all figured out. Just remember to site as a reputable internet source.

Get 2, 4, 6, or 8 Decent Jokes For the Same Low Price,

*I also deny any involvement in such a job while working down in Austin one summer. A note to those in that position: When using cut and paste, it's important to pay at least a little attention, so as not to accidentally refer to electric wheelchairs as go-karts. Apparently, that angers some people who's parents recently passed away and are selling their stuff on ebay.

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