Friday, February 18, 2011

Witz Pickz: Presidents' Day Starting Five

I tend to shy away from sports posts, especially sports like soccer that aren't widely loved in these parts, so as not to alienate my audience (which, given what I keep in, really makes you wonder who I think my audience is). HOWEVER, in anticipation for Presidents' Day this Monday, the day my indoor soccer team usually has a game, I came up with my top five US Presidents that I would want on my squad. Even if you don't like soccer or sports, I think you'll agree:

Goalkeeper: Abe Lincoln -- Not a tough decision. Our tallest president at 6'4'', the man's got reach. Add his strong work ethic and willingness to put himself on the line (read: end-slavery), and you've got yourself a wall of a keeper. Forget Paul Pierce, it shouldn't take long before Honest Abe is known only as, "The Truth."

Defense: Ulysses S. Grant -- In 20 years, Wayne Rooney is going to look exactly like this 18th President of the United States. At 5'8'' with some weight on him, Grant could anchor the defense while making the occasional run up front to put one in the back of the net. Plus, everyone could call him "The General" and that would be awesome.

Defense: Andrew Johnson -- Johnson is a bruiser, simple as that. He might not have been the most talented or have the softest touch, but he's a man that's been through some shit and you need a guy like that on the field. Tough, resilient, and determined. Even after Tennessee seceded from the Union, Johnson remained in the Senate, making him a hero in the North, and by all accounts, one stubborn son-of-a-bitch:

Striker/Midfielder: James Madison -- Our 4th President clocked in at a Carlos Tevez-esque 5'4'', and like Tevez and height-mate Paul Scholes, Madison would absolutely have a chip on his shoulder. I mean look at him-- the man popped his collar long before it was cool, and well before The Three-Six Mafia was rapping about it. Scrappy, determined, and a team player: when deemed the "Father of the Constitution," Madison replied that it was instead, "the work of many heads and many hands." It wouldn't be long before J-Mads would be one of the crowd favorites.

Striker: Barack Obama -- This shouldn't surprise anybody. Say what you will about his effectiveness in the White House, Obama's clearly our most athletic President; which everyone says, but seems vaguely racist when I type it out like Tall, in good shape, and he knows how to move (at least on the basketball court: ala Steve Nash). Can inspire a team in a time of crisis and adds a little bit of diversity to what is currently, a really really ridiculously white lookin' squad.

I know what you're thinking, but no, JFK would not make a good addition to the squad. He'd be the guy going over to the stands when he was on the bench and hitting on the women, and he would tear the team apart...And Millard Fillmore looks like a flopper.

Isn't It Weird That As Long As the Internet Exists, There is One Day Out of Every Year When the Band "The Presidents of the United States of America" Will Remain Relevant?,

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