Thursday, December 20, 2012

It's the End of the World As We Know It and I See Why

(I still can't figure out when Veterans Day is, but they know when the world ends?)
Personally, I don't think the world is going to end on Friday. I don't even think that the Maya predicted the end of the world with all this calendar business. I believe that as much as they liked making their calendars (because let's face it, if they'd had The Wire or Homeland, their calendar would have ended centuries ago), they took a look around and decided that 1000 years in advance was enough calender-ing and called it a career. In fact, I believe they were supposed to stop at the year 2000, but overachieving Suzie-zuma* kept going another 12 years:

"Pencils down!"
"But, I'm almost at 2013!"
"You were supposed to stop at 2000!"
"But it's gonna look weird!"
"This is not up for debate!"
"Fine. But people are gonna read into this someday..."

And look--if you've paid any attention at all to the news in the last year, then you know that there are plenty of reasons to believe the end of the world is near: from horrific environmental events to horrific man-made events, the signs are there. Hell, a week before 12/21 there were TWO simultaneous meteor showers that could be seen from Earth, i.e. the setup to every armageddon movie from the 90's (specifically 1998). Combine that with the whole Mayan End-of-the-World Prediction and you'd think that instead of sky-gazing, people would have been freaking out and demanding Obama get Bruce Willis on the horn--or at least Gary Sinise!

Yet, for the most part, people aren't freaking out. Sure, I've seen a few "End of the World Survival Guide" posts and articles, but those all seem to be missing the point. They say to stock up on things like batteries and canned goods, and to invite your friends over so you're all in one place if something bad really does happen. These all seem to be missing the point. It's the END OF THE WORLD, not the end of perishable goods, retweets, and overages. It's all over! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) High-fives, fantasy football, Fox News. Donesies. Earth. Destroyed.

And while I don't believe we're all going to be doomed in the next 24-36 hours, I'll understand why we are if it does happen. It won't be because of the big, horrible news-making events which humanity perpetuates--no, those are too big, too major--those are things we as a species endure and eventually put behind us, for better or worse. It's going to be because of the small things--the things which nag and nag and nag until one day, they make the universe snap and flush the whole damn experiment down the proverbial toilet:    

The Overabundant Use of "Curate": You used to have to work for years to earn the position and title of curator. The curator of the museum. The curator of the archives, or art collection, or a zoo. Now, everyone's a goddamn curator. "I curate the summer movies in the park," and, "I curate the menu at this pizza place," and, "I curate the contents of this publication." People may schedule, pick, or manage things, but only a very few curate. You are not the curator of your bed, no matter how carefully you select people to sleep with. You are not the curator of your blog, even if you're Witz-picking what is on it. And you are not the curator of your toilet, even if you're the one making the decisions about what ultimately gets flushed. But more and more people seem to think that they are. And that's why we're all gonna die.

Bill Murray Refusing to Make Another Ghostbusters Movie: What, you're too good to add to the classic oeuvre of ghosts and those who bust them? Murray just played FDR in a movie that nobody knows exists, but he repeatedly refuses to be in a new Ghostbusters movie. And that's why we're all gonna die.

(Seriously, stop talking)
Eddie Murphy Refusing to STOP Making Movies: Eddie's most recent release was A Thousand Words, a movie entirely about forcing Eddie Murphy to shut the fuck up. And yet, he persists. IMDB informs me that his next movie after that box-office gem will be a TV movie of Beverly Hills Cop, in which he will play the same character he played in the Beverly Hills Cop movies that came out in theaters back when he was entertaining, thus closing the loop. And that's why we're all gonna die.


(And that's why we're all gonna die.)
50 Shades of Grey: The book which began as Twilight fan-fiction has been at the top of best-seller lists for months. I'm all for reading, but somebody needs to tell these people about the internet. It has porn everywhere! And while you may think your imagination and E.L. James' awkward sex descriptions are more vivid, I'm sure the internet has whatever gets you going, from romantic love scenes to a video of Gandalf shouting, "Call me Smeagol!" while banging Saruman next to a Dothraki hoard where Bella is giving birth to a half-hobbit-half-vampire who likes to watch. But instead of doing that or reading books which might enhance themselves or the way they see and understand the world around them, people are reading lines like, "Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release." And that's why we're all gonna die.

So, even though this whole Mayan Prediction thing is just a misunderstanding** and it's only the smallest of small chances that the world ends tomorrow, at least we can take refuge in the knowledge that we absolutely deserve it. Here's to 12/22/2012.

Now Maybe Jesus Will Understand How it Feels to Have a Birthday So Close to Christmas,

*Calm down, I know Montezuma was an
**Article explaining calendar fiasco:


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