Witz Pickz: 400th Post (State of the Union)

Happy Belated Halloween! Originally, M-Dash and I were going to go as witty physical puns of classic Ice Cream Treats, i.e. dressing up as a witch holding a bag of chips (Chipwich) and a traffic cone with a crown on (King Cone). After a series of blank stares convinced us otherwise, we decided to dress up as "People who don't know anyone having a Halloween Party."



Which brings me to today's post: my 400th post on Witz Pickz. I decided that I had to do something different for my 400th post, not just rant about how stupid babies are or tell some idiot story about how I get flu-like symptoms whenever I eat garlic. I decided I needed to do a State of the Union-- a brief round up of where we are after 400 posts:



• I've written 400 blog posts since March 26, 2006, and last I saw, earned $28.37 through Google AdWords, an amount I lauded as being, "Enough to purchase a pizza." When I recently checked again, I found that Google has seemingly erased all money earned and closed down the account. Google owes me a pizza.

• It is currently "Anytober," according to Subway, which is offering ANY Subway sub for five dollars in October. Unless Subway is pushing to nickname sandwiches "tobers," along with "hero," "grinder," "hoagie," and "sub," this is completely unacceptable. It's the laziest marketing since Jared got fat again and stopped doing Subway commercials.



• Herman Cain is a "legitimate" Republican Presidential Candidate. This is made worse by the fact that I couldn't decide whether to use his name in that joke or Michele Bachmann's.

• I've started drinking an inordinate number of smoothies.

• Not to brag, but my credit card says I have an "outstanding balance."

• I posted that last line as my Facebook status last week and got more "likes" and comments than on any of my blog posts. Ever.

• The Earth's population hit 7 billion and I hate everyone.

• I invested money in SodaStream-- a company which sells home carbonation kits so people can turn REGULAR WATER into SPARKLING WATER, a product which costs roughly eighty-nine cents to buy ANYWHERE...



• I would describe my smoothie intake as, "One per day."

• Mounds bars and Almond Joy bars cost exactly the same amount. This would lead me to believe that dark chocolate costs more to produce than milk chocolate by roughly the value of two almonds.

• Children in sweatshops are better at making shoes than I am at anything I'll ever try to do.

• I've started leaving the light off when I pee, just to add a little excitement to my days.

• I don't even drink seltzer. I think it's gross.

• Walmart brought back layaway. Either this is legitimate and sad or Walmart's been asked to secretly compile a, "People who should just kill themselves" list. If you can't afford to buy a shitty blender up front, you shouldn't be shopping in the first place.


(Even cute puppies are like, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?")

• I make these smoothies myself, using a combination of frozen fruit, yogurt, almond milk, and my own tears.

• Don't let anyone say I never wrote a Mounds Bar joke.

• Ted Wilson Reviews the World is a thing that exists. It's at The Rumpus and it's awful. Just miserable. Like Witz Pickz, this guy reviews anything he can think of, only his schtick appears to be that he's intentionally uninformed and super not funny. It's made worse by the fact that his column's title doesn't include any kind of rhyme or consonance. While I wasn't a fan of The Malou Review, I was forced to respect the segment for its obvious end-rhyme driven premise. Malou had no choice but to get into reviews, kung-fu, or BBQ. This Ted guy should be pursuing meds, breads, or sheds. The final straw came when I posted a negative, but constructive comment on one of his reviews, and he moderated it into oblivion. This obviously means that Ted Wilson is my new sworn enemy, especially now that Andy Rooney has been defeated.

• I've started posting "negative, but constructive" comments on the internet...


(Andy Rooney looks like he chose the wrong chalice from the Temple of the Grail...This guy complains about pronunciation for 30 years and Steve Jobs dies at 56? "He chose poorly.")

I think that pretty much sums up where I'm at after 400 posts. Not yet rich and famous, but also not buying microwaves on layaway at Walmart. Ya win some, ya lose some. Strikes and gutters. The important thing is that you all are still reading, hopefully still laughing, and nobody's sued me yet.

And By "Not Yet Rich" I Mean I Literally Have Not Earned Any Money,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Monumental Days!

Like the girl you didn’t “officially” start dating because things were complicated at the time, today is the KINDA 100th POST on Witz Pickz! You see, I don’t think I can count my “Mission Statement” post, and my sister posted once as Switz about photography, which makes this, the 102nd post on the blog, the SORTA 100th post on the blog! HAPPY 100th (*102nd) POST E’ERBODY! Completely unintentionally, it also happens to fall on another celebrated numerical figure—my birthday. And trust me, this was not on purpose. Several months back when I saw 100 approaching, I did some quick math and figured that I would hit 100 just around July 20th. And look, ONLY A MONTH LATE! The fact that it’s my birthday is both fortuitous and unfortunate. You see, it gives me a very clear idea of how many posts I’ve written since my last birthday.

There have been about 75 posts since last August 20th—which doesn’t seem that long ago. Remember “Office Blackmail”??? I’m still emotionally recovering from that encounter. Anyway, as far as I’ve been told (I’ve never counted and I don’t believe any of you have either), there are 365 days in a year. I wrote 75 days out of the 365, which doesn’t seem so good. SO, here is a better comparison: It took the people in Around the World in 80 Days EIGHTY DAYS to fly around the world in a balloon. I posted approximately one post per day of their flight AROUND THE WORLD. Now, by taking the transitive property and twisting it slightly, just enough to make it incorrect, but not too much, so it’s still believable—that means that I potentially flew around the world in one year! AND for every one day of their flight around the world, I wrote 25% of a post. Since each post contains approximately 3 references or “Pickz”, I’ve pretty much flown around the world at the same rate as the fictional characters in that book/movie…is all I’m saying…gimme a break, this is the 100th POST!

So thank you all for being here during the 100, and keep on comin’ back for more. Here is my Pick for the Day:

Neurotic Library Strategy: When you’re in the library, as I am sometimes, and acquire books, movies, music, etc., I find myself constantly worrying about what the librarian will say (either someone is going to be checking out my materials…so to speak…or they have to remove the little yellow Lock thingies on the movies) when they see what I’m getting. SO, I constantly find myself picking up books I know I’m never going to read to accommodate the books/movies that I know I will read/watch. I’ve checked out one or more David Foster Wallace books numerous times to counter balance my acquisition of McCauley Culkin’s book, or a Orson Scott Card novel (although all of the Ender series is amazing). I’ve had to rent Schindler’s List like six times because I also wanted to watch Season Two of Lost or Season One of Invasion. Since being in California with some time on my hands, I’ve had to use these learned skills to balance out one of the tougher pickups—Grey’s Anatomy (Pick Pending). To counteract getting Grey’s Anatomy, when it is in the HOLDS section of the library, one must also rent the following, “49 Up,” any Jim Jarmusch film, and, if possible, “400 Blows,” or another French new wave director. And yet, nothing prepared me for what I somehow did the other day. I picked up some movies that just looked dumb, but free. Maybe I wanted to watch em, but at least I wasn’t paying for them. Then I got some CD’s, and finally The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon which I’m very excited about. Only, I misjudged my complete collection when I got to the checkout lady and I knew I was screwed as the names of the movies came out: Accepted (the movie with the Mac kid about making up a new fake college—I liked Camp Nowhere when I was younger, so gimme a break), Gridiron Gang (fooball in jail movie starring The Rock), Beer League (softball movie, which speaks for itself, but was talked about a lot while playing softball), and finally, Bill and Ted’s Non-Bogus Disc (all the special features and documentary from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which is a fantastically written movie). I tried to point out that it was “Not-Bogus” but the woman didn’t care. I saw her flick her eyes up at me and there was no more respect in them. It also didn’t help when the next CD that came up was “The Average White Band’s Greatest Hits.” Crap. When she got to the book, I knew I had one last chance to act:

Me: Did you read that yet? (Subtext: See, I read!)
Her: My husband did. (Subtext: He’s unemployed like you must be—only in his case, it’s retirement)
Me: I really love Michael Chabon, but I feel like this one could go either way (See, I read a lot and can speak on the subject!)
Her: I’m sure it’ll be fine (I’m sure you have all the time in the world to read it because you’re unemployed and even if you read at the snail’s pace that your movie selection would suggest, it’s not really that big a concern, now is it?)
Me: Yeah, thanks. (Whatever lady, you work at a library— also, you’re mostly right)

So now I have to run up some fines on Infinite Jest in the hopes of having her see my extensive “Checked Out” list which includes all kinds of legitimate novels and films that aren’t horribly embarrassing (a lot of those Pickz coming soon, too).

So that’s how it goes, library strategies are extremely important and it only takes one mistake to ruin a good library relationship.

Thanks again for the last 100, and looking forward to the next,
Witz
PS. I failed to mention in yesterday's post that Bruce Campbell is in Burn Notice. The reason I forgot to mention it is because he plays the least Bruce Campbell type character ever, and they don't take advantage of any of his Bruce Campbell-ness. It's a shame, but the man really hasn't done much work and can probably use the money.

Witz Pickz: Danny Ainge and Snakes On A Plane (THE FINAL WORD)

Sorry for the delay between posts, but due to a comment on this blog, I was forced to take the last week and a half and consider whether or not I am, in fact, similar to Andy Rooney. As one reader to go nameless suggested, in my Andy Rooney post, I pulled an Andy Rooney. First of all, I have my fingers crossed that after typing HIS name three times, he will not appear in my living room and start ruining my life. Fingers still crossed, I will say that in response to said comment, another friend/reader told me, "Andy Rooney is like 'Witz DOESN'T Pick' EVERY SINGLE WEEK." This was meant to be uplifting. And so I was forced to ponder the intricacies between me and The Name We Dare Not Speak (can I use that still or did Harry Potter cop it?). Obviously, I had to turn to Google Analytics for answers. As it turns out, Andy Rooney is held aloft by the other 56 of the 60 minutes. Real stories of interest support him like those little arm and leg buoys children are forced to wear into pools. Andy Rooney is essentially a big baby, meaning if the buoys come off, Andy Rooney drowns a horrible pool death while numerous onlookers do nothing-- he is an ugly ugly baby. Witz Pickz on the other hand is supported by nothing-- there is no reason for anyone to be here unless they want to (unless they searched for "lever 2000" or "pussey" as confirmed by Google Analytics). Statistics show that of the people who come to this blog, only 5% come once, while over 60% have now been here between 200+ times. That's called brand loyalty. My readers are loyal, and once I have you hooked, you'll keep coming back for more. I respect that, and I thank you for it. It also places me ahead of Andy Rooney on the Scale of Life. Let's take a look at that scale now, shall we?

SCALE OF LIFE:

1) George Clooney
2) Will Smith
3) Oprah Winfrey
4) Tom Brokaw
5) Martha Stewart
....
....
....
2,304,001) Jared Leto
....
....
4,304,059,673) Andy Milonakis
....
....
5,708,345,345) LonelyGirl15
5,708,345,346) Witz Pickz
5,708,345,347) Andy Rooney
....
....
....
....
6,350,302,023) Small Child making shoes in Pakistan


HEY! I'm doin' alright! with Andy Rooney in my rear-view, I have my sights on LonelyGirl15 and it's only a matter of time. Look out Andy Milanakis-- although it's entirely unclear how you got to where you are, Aziz Ansari (www.azizisbored.com) is fast on your ass with his crappy MTV show Human Giant and in no time, you and Andy Rooney will have interactions far more hilarious than either one of you alone. Actually-- wow, that's a great concept for a sitcom: "Living With Andy," the show where Andy Rooney is forced to take care of his grandson Andy Milonakis after the child's father, Andy Richter, skips town to go live his dream as a Sea World dolphin trainer. Think of all the hilarious possibilities. (I, Witz, am hereby claiming and stating this idea, 8/8/07 at 2:11 PST, and if anything remotely similar appears in the next few months, I will sue the shit out of whoever it is and then promptly shoot myself in the face.)

Anyway, I guess I have to pick some stuff, so here's a couple that I'll try and make funny for you!

Danny Ainge: As far as I can tell (I'm not big into knowledge of the NBA), Danny Ainge is the GM of the Boston Celtics, a team which although stationed in Boston, has never been able to grab my interest. I prefer watching college basketball and March Madness where guys who aren't 7'2 make tremendous plays that will stay in the minds of their teammates and college fans forever-- where anybody can be a hero. This probably appeals to me because I'm 5'10, can't dunk, have about a 3'' vertical, and other than the occasional three pointer, am mostly known for my "hustle" on the court. On the upside, I can hit free throws, which is apparently exceedingly difficult (although nobody is waving shit behind the hoop while I take them). Anyway, in a matter of months, I have become a huge Celtics fan and am ridiculously excited for the coming NBA season. It might be easy to say that I'm a fairweather fan or a bandwagon fan, and while that might be true, here's why I'm so excited. 1) Ray Allen-- Ray Allen is my favorite college basketball player of all time. I loved him on UConn, I got excited to see him as a Sonic, and now am overjoyed to see him on the Celtics. He might be past his prime, but he's ridiculously clutch and so much fun to watch. PLUS, he was in He Got Game. Jesus has arrived in Boston. 2) Kevin Garnett-- I really don't know much about KG other than the little I've seen of him. In this case though, I do know that he's really really good and I'm excited to have an All-Star on the squad. 3) Paul Pierce-- Didn't leave town somehow to get these other players. He's got that nice guy thing going to and is great on the court. 4) Reggie Miller-- There are currently rumors that Reggie Miller, my favorite basketball player of all time will come out of retirement at 43 to play for the Celtics. He wouldn't play much, but just seeing him there and hearing his name would make me pay for whatever stupid cable channel broadcasts NBA games. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller, and Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge has already made 3 of them happen, and might just get Reggie too. Thank you for giving me a reason to waste more of my life on professional sports. Even if the refs cheat, they'll probably be cheating FOR the Celtics, since they've been terrible the last X number of years (where X = my complete lack of NBA knowledge). For more on these happenings and another amusing way of looking at the acquisitions, go to THIS BLOG! (esp if you like Seinfeld, sports, or the Yankees)

Snakes On A Plane: THE FINAL OPINION! After many mentions and variances, I can finally lay down a solid opinion of SOaP. I watched it last weekend on a big screen TV with two friends and some 7&7's, and IT WAS FANTASTIC. It was overdone, with appropriate cameos/casting, and treated itself like a movie, but not one without it's own sense of humor. When a snake goes in the microwave (and I don't know if you could see this in real time on the big screen), he pushes the button marked "Snake" for how long it should cook. Brilliant. In addition, EVERY TIME one of us made some comment as to what someone should do or why wouldn't they just-- the movie answered us. "Why wouldn't they just open the--" "We're going to shoot out the windows." Oh. "How come some people are dying immediately and other are--" "There are all kinds of different snakes on the plane, some will kill you in minutes, others in hours." Oh. Well played movie. My only problem with the movie was that the actor who plays Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights was the first to die when he could have been absolutely awesome for much much longer. There's one part where the male flight attendant is having a conversation in the aisle and you can see Riggins over his shoulder reacting to what he sees and it's hysterical. (FNL on NBC this Fall, check it out.) Having said all this positive stuff, and now having you probably say, "Well, of course, Witz, you were an idiot for not seeing it in theaters" let me say to you, "NO! I WAS NOT!" There is no chance I would have enjoyed this movie as much in theaters. Part of why it worked was because I was able to make fun of it and we were all able to say things and jokes and bets about what would happen out loud and not simply chear and laugh and jump when they wanted us to. The experience was 1/2 experiential and 1/2 participatory, and that's what made it so fun to watch. So Witz Pickz Snakes On a Plane On DVD.**

Family Guy: In case you didn't know, Family Guy is hilarious. I already knew this, but I haven't watched it in so long, and then watched a couple of episodes while flying cross country on my ipod rigged up to a reserve battery pack with video that had to be converted using a downloaded jodix converter...APPLE IS SO EASY! Anyway, it's extremely awkward laughing until you cry on an airplane 3 inches from the well dressed business-person next to you. Especially when you're laughing at awkward racial jokes that you're not sure if they heard through your Opposite-of-Noise-Cancelling ipod headphones.

"Once you go black, you go deaf",
Witz



**The one time in Snakes on a Plane that I was perturbed was when the two people were having sex in the bathroom and then got attacked by snakes, prompting the flight attendants to hear moans and assume they were having sex while they were really getting killed. The same type of thing happens in A Vampire In Brooklyn, which is not a good movie for two eleven year olds to watch, even though Eddie Murphy is in it. Parents, do your homework. Anyway, Eddie Murphy is sleeping with a girl and then proceeds to kill her and horribly maul her. Her roommates think they're just having sex. I don't know what it is, whether it is the gap between the two or the shear horror of thinking about a situation where people COULD save someone, but instead assume something completely opposite is going on leading to someone's death, or if it is something else, but for some reason, that scenario really REALLY bothers me and always stays with me afterwards. That's just food for thought and also maybe you should lay down some ground rules with people you know about some words, phrases, or scream pitches that you can use should that situation ever occur to you. For me, I'll scream, "LAUGHING COW CHEESE!!!" because there is never another situation, ever, in this world, when I would want to say laughing cow cheese.

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Andy FUCKING Rooney

I’ve had it with Andy Rooney. Completely. He’s always the very last segment of 60 Minutes and consistently leaves me enraged, but not about the war crimes or the corporate crime or the super popular crappy country singer, but because this freaking old out-of-date ass crab says he doesn’t like watching football on Sundays or using whitening toothpaste. Or like tonight, when he felt the need to rant on for far too long about how products how far too many flavors these days. You see, he drank Vanilla Coke by accident and was disgusted by the flavors. He likes vanilla. He likes Coke. He just doesn’t like Vanilla Coke. He then explained that he liked peanut butter and he liked jelly as a child, but he hated peanut butter and jelly. I waited five seconds to see if he was kidding before smacking the television screen and letting out a frustrated “BAH!” for my family. That’s right-- Andy Rooney ruins family dinners. There, I said it. He went on about how everything is combined now: RASBERRY iced-tea, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Mango-Tangerine Vitamin Water…these were big problems for him. Let’s just say my brow was furrowed. THEN, Andy Rooney can’t understand why FAT FREE products COST MORE! HAHA—OH ANDY! Andy Rooney is essentially THE WORST stand-up comedian EVER, but he’s too old and dug in to get thrown out.

It’s made worse by the fact that he never lets you know he’s kidding. He just goes on about how everything pisses him off and then leaves it hanging. AWFUL OLD MAN! Multiple busses should hit him. Multiple. At least the show always ends with one of the semi-legit hosts looking at the camera with that “Fucking Old Man Makes More Than Me For Shit Like That At Least He’ll Be Dead Soon” smile, and a goodnight. I know they’re on my side.

I think it’d be great if they got Andy Richter to sit down next to Andy Rooney from now on. It can be called Andy Versus Andy or Andy On Andy or Andy R. You Fucking Kidding Me? Andy Rooney can rant about popsicle jokes or whatever else is ruining his cushy life, and Andy Richter can give him the “what the eff?” look that he does so well and follow up with one of those lines that made his show not so much of a hit, like, “Give it up Grannnpa, the Great Depression happened, get over it!”

Does anybody LIKE Andy Rooney? Am I way out of touch with what America wants? Does anyone else think it would be amazing to get Andy Rooney at a carnival in the dunking booth? Can anyone make that happen?

Fight Night: Andy Rooney vs. Mickey Rooney vs. The Band Rooney vs. Nit Romney on HBO—make it happen,

Witz