Witz Pickz: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Guess who's back-- back again. Witz is back-- tell your friends. Witz is back, Witz is back, Witz is-- Are these 2002 Eminem references doing anything for ya? No? Fine, I'll get to the point. Sorry for the wait, but it's times like these when we remember that you proooobably haven't read all 240 posts on this site and that true commitment is being there when the times are tough and someone can't necessarily be there for you. I have a bunch of great posts for ya'all this week, though, so get pumped.

Indiana Jones 4: Don't worry, I'm not going to give away anything for those of you that reallllly wanna see Indiana Jones, but juuuust didn't seem to get your shit together to see it in the last two weeks. Here's my brief review and then I'll get into the more pressing issue. I thought Indiana Jones was good and enjoyable, given that I had watched the old ones recently and reminded myself that they were ALWAYS a bit on the cheesy side. I mean, c'mon, the nazis got trounced by the Ark of the Covenant. Indiana Jones had his Dad's Grail Journal autographed by Hitler, and Indians were depicted as demon-worshipping, child enslaving magicians who eat monkey brains and baby snakes. Bad Dates. So remembering that, I went into number 4 with a pretty open-minded point of view, and aside from a few moments when I had to cringe, I enjoyed the usual ride, the historical references, and Shia Lebouf's hair. Hey, Shia, Ben Savage called-- he wants his face back. Ultimately, my only real problem with it is that at the end of the two hours, it doesn't seem like anything that occurred actually had to happen. The world is no better or worse after the adventure. So it's worth seeing and I think in ten years, I will probably be able to watch it with more enjoyment and won't immediately count it out with Terminator 3, Aliens: Resurrection, all the new Star Wars, and both Matrix sequels.

Having said that, here is the problem with the movie: George goddamn Lucas and Steven fucking Spielberg. While they are or at least have been great at what they do, I feel like something has shifted in their brains, and the general viewing public has to suffer because of it. Spielberg has some sort of obsession with the supernatural and outter space, and Lucas appears to be totally obsessed with obnoxious characters. The problem is that I think Spielberg backs him up. I imagine a conversation went something like this:

Lucas: So we open the film with a bunch of soldiers driving fast on a dessert highway.
Spielberg: It sounds delicious.
Lucas: Oh, sorry, a DESERT highway.
Spielberg: Oh.
Lucas: Right. Then, an old car comes speeding along with a bunch of 50's teens looking to race.
Spielberg: Oo-- that'll give the audience a sense of time and place.
Lucas: Exactly! And then, out of nowhere, a CGI prairie dog will pop up!
Spielberg: That'll be cute as shit!
Lucas: Oh, it'll be fucking cute as hell!
Spielberg: And then it'll exhibit vaguely human emotions?
Lucas: Exactly.
Spielberg: The crowd will love that!
Lucas: You bet your ass they will.
Spielberg: Well, what then?
Lucas: Well, I'm I dunno, but LATER, I was thinking about monkeys!
Spielberg: Real monkeys?
Lucas: No, no, CGI monkeys!
Spielberg: Much better.
Lucas: And Indy will be in a big chase, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, monkeys will pop up!
Spielberg: Holy shit, that'll be cute!
Lucas: Oh, it'll be fucking cute alright!
Spielberg: And then it will exhibit vaguely human emotions?
Lucas: You got it.
Spielberg: The crowd will LOVE that!
Lucas: You bet they will.
Spielberg: What about ants?
Lucas: Excuse me?
Spielberg: I'm thinkin' we need ants. Like...lots of em.
Lucas: Where are we gonna--
Spielberg: --CGI ants.
Lucas: Oh, right. But what are they gonna--
Spielberg: --I'm thinking they just kinda pop up.
Lucas: Out of nowhere...
Spielberg: And exhibit--
Lucas: --vaguely human emotions?
Spielberg: That sounds cute as hell.
Lucas: Does it?
Spielberg: George. Do you want me as your director or don't you?
Lucas: Of course I do! I'm sorry I ever doubted you. The people love anthropomorphism.
Spielberg: You're damn right they do.
Lucas: Alright, well, let's get those shots done and then we'll work on a script. How old is Harrison nowadays, anyway?


The additional benefit of going to the show was getting to hear this quote, which I'll tell you as a sneak preview of tomorrow's, "Quotes and Thoughts" post. I overheard this while exiting the theater, in the midst of a completely baffled crowd unable to decide if they were happy or not:

Girl: I thought it was really good!
Guy: Yeah, me too.
Girl: Drinking wine during movies is AMAAAZING!
Guy: I can't believe we haven't done it before.
Girl: I know.
Guy: I wonder if it that's why we liked the movie...

So maybe that's the trick.

Broad-Shouldered Shady,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (In Theory)

I saw my first preview for the new Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and I'm super excited to see it. From the preview, it looked like they kept to the same classic look and style of Indiana Jones, but got some big namers to accompany him such as Cate Blanchette (perfect for an Indiana Jones movie, given her propensity for acting like a tomboy) and Shia The Beef fresh off being snubbed by the oscars for his work in Transformers. I do have some qualms, however, and while this won't detract from my pick and wanting to seeingness of it, I'm a bit worried.


You see, also in the preview were a ABUNDANCE of "I'm too old for this," one liners. While I think they need to recognize the fact that Indiana Jones is astoundingly old, I don't want the movie to turn into a comedy based on his inability to perform the way he used to. A lot of the belated sequels of films (Rocky Balboa, Pirates of the Carribean 3, Live Free or Die Hard) all act very self-conscious of their predacessors and make it more a post-modern commentary than an actual enjoyable movie-- i.e. they spend too much time reminding us of what we liked about the past ones than actually making the current film great (although I loved the new Die Hard). I just hope that they get their couple of obligatory, "Oops, I'm elderly now" lines out of the way and don't make it the motif.


Having said that, I'm a bit concerned by the age of Indiana Jones. You see, Harrison Ford is SIXTY SIX YEARS OLD. That is old. Lemme put that in context. When they made the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles for television, Harrison Ford had a cameo in one episode where he played "Old Indiana Jones." In that episode, Old Indiana Jones was supposed to be FIFTY. Now, in real life, Harrison Ford is SIXTY SIX. I'm not sure the action-adventure is going to be the same for me given the age thing. Just watching the preview, I cringed three times as Indy slammed into windshields, got knocked about, and fell onto the ground. Have you ever seen an old person fall down? It's like the most disturbing and sad thing that can happen spontaneously in daily life. Now I'm supposed to watch people HIT a sixty six year old man? I'm supposed to watch him flying around with his whip and not think, "That man should really not be trying that!" Harrison Ford should be dating my Grandma, playing golf at noon on weekdays, and playing doubles tennis at dusk at clubs with manmade pond-pools. But what's Indiana Jones up to? He's fighting the damn nazis again-- I mean I think, from the previews. Why WOULDN'T he be? I mean, it's got to be about thirty years after they were big, right? It's been 27 years since Raiders of the Lost Ark came out, and while you can fake time passing slowly when you make 3 movies in the 80's, it's tough to pretend only a few years have passed when you go from being 47 to 66. It's gonna be interesting.


All of this does nothing to diminish my joy for the film coming out. I'm sure they'll pass on the glory and wit and adventure to Shia and maybe even groom him for future sequels. It'd be kind of cool if we followed the lineage of Indiana Jones. From Sean Connery to Harrison Ford to Shia LeBouf. And is Sean Connery gonna be in this one? Cause he's 78. If they shoot Sean Connery again, at age 78, I'm gonna be very upset. He ain't recovering from that one. Also, did Indy's dad have Indiana jones when he was 12??? There's a lot to discover in the world of Indiana Jones, and I'm just excited that we have access.


See You At the Midnight Showing,
Witz