Witz DOESN'T Pick: Camping (July 4th Weekend Part 1 of 2)

I was conned into camping this weekend. I say conned because I didn't know it was gonna happen until I KNEW that it was gonna happen, and I say it negatively because unlike 95% of people I've met, I hate camping. So first let me tell you why I hate camping and then I'll sit back and listen while everyone tells me why I'm wrong.

Here's how I was conned:

ME: I think we're comin' up on Saturday instead of Friday.
MY-FRIEND-FORMERLY-WITH-A-POOL: Oh, that works. You'll miss the camping part though...
ME: Cool-- I hate camping.
(flash forward to Saturday)
MFFWAP: We went camping last night, it was amazing.
ME: Cool.
MFFWAP: We stayed at this place with a waterfall and rocks and it fed down to another little pool of water and then another waterfall. It was really amazing-- I'd love to show it to you if you're up for it.
ME: Cool.

Here's what everyone should know-- if someone you know who does not intend to bang you says they want you to see a beautiful bit of nature, and that beautiful bit of nature turns out to be an hour away from where you currently are-- that person intends on camping there with you. And so we learn.

The thing about camping is that I have a home and know that electricity exists. If it weren't for those two things, I'd be more into it.

THEM: Hey Witz, come camping!
ME: Oh man, here's the thing: I pay rent every month to have this home with ammenities like a stove, and refrigerator, and bed, and shower, and toilet...
THEM: Yeah, but it's nature man! We'll have food like...hot dogs and chocolate!
ME: Yeah...
THEM: And beers!
ME: True...
THEM: And it doesn't matter if you drop stuff or cook it poorly, because the five second rule is the "Whenever you feel like it" rule in nature, and hot dogs are pre-cooked!
ME: Well, I can understand all that. But with all the beer and hot dogs, what's our bathroom situation like? Because I have a toilet here.
THEM: That's the best part! You can pee in the bushes and crap in a hole!
ME: Even after dark?
THEM: Especially after dark!
ME: Hmm, well I'm still gonna pass, but I appreciate the invite.

It's not that I hate ALL of "camping." I like all the buildup: the hiking, the settling in, being secluded in nature, the camp-fire, the s'mores, the drinking, the bonding, the stories, the pictures, the memories. All that is fine by me. The part of camping that I hate, and the part which I think makes it CAMPING, is the sleeping outside on the ground. There are only two reasons why I should be sleeping on the ground-- either I'm poor, or I've become a pubescent Indian girl and it's that time of the month. Now, I'm not gonna be able to prevent the latter if some kind of "struck by lightning" scenario occurs, but the poverty part I've managed to ward off successfully for a while now.

I have enough trouble sleeping regularly, in a bed, with ideal sleeping conditions. I don't need to be lying out on the ground, no matter how many comforts I bring, which in this case, were very few. Camping for me means rocks and roots digging into my side, hard earth beneath me, really cold temperatures during the night hours that quickly turn into sauna like conditions in my tent when the sun comes up. I could sleep outside of the tent, but that quickly translates into being bug fodder and I do like the false safety of mesh and a zipper. The noises don't help the sleep any either, especially when at first light (5-6am in the summer) the most obnoxious birds on the planet start alerting us to their presence. I swear, the bird that we all dealt with Sunday morning must have ignored the "Show up early, first come, first serve" signs on "Get Your Bird Call Day:"

BIRD WE HEARD: Hello.
REGULAR BIRDS: Hi.
BIRD WE HEARD: What's your bird-song sound like?
REGULAR BIRDS: Rainbows and dreams. How about yours?
BIRD WE HEARD: A truck horn. So I like to sing it twice. Constantly.

When I'm not camping, and I hear something like that, I can shut a window, shut a door, etc and solve the problem.

Birds aren't the only problem. There are all other manner of things that can annoy, harm, or kill you when you go camping. Bugs, bees, coyotes, spiders, mountain lions, murderers, beasts, monsters, and snakes. And that's in ascending order of danger. Not to be redundant, but snakes are a) my biggest fear and b) most prevalent in nature. Nature is where you camp. I'm tired of hearing, "they're more afraid of you than you are of them," when I have a PARALYZING FEAR OF THEM. We would have to come upon each other and both just freeze completely and start trembling and sweating for us to be equally scared of each other. That snake's first instinct would have to be to jump backward and run forever, even if that meant tumbling down the waterfall to greater harm. Before that snake encounters me, it would have to have already thought out plans of where it would go or what it would do if it were to encounter a human at any given time. And that doesn't typically seem to be the case. Snakes's typical response seems to be to STRIKE. It chooses fight, I choose flight. The snake is not nearly as scared of me as I am of it. So with all these options for death, actually SLEEPING-- actually CAMPING, in or out of a sealed tent (because c'mon, no guarentees) is not something to look forward to. Sleeping is more like whispering a slight, "Let me die peacefully in my sleep," prayer and waiting for the inevitable to happen. With a root sticking in my goddamn back.

Instead of camping, why can't we just, "go hangout in nature for a while?" Get a campfire going, drink a few beers, make some memories, and then pack it in for the night and SUV it back to a warm bed. Because let's be honest, it's usually like 11 p.m. when people head to bed while camping. I'd be good with spending the day with nature, having the campfire thing, and getting into a bed by midnight. Besides, I have some good Netflix at home, and I really want to see Into the Wild. It looks right up my alley.

For A Guy Who's About to Be Homeless, Witz Sure Is Talkin' Some Shit About Camping,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Eddie Vedder, Hating Kids, Noteworthy Books, and MORE!

Happy Halloween-- as a spooky super secret surprise...I didn't post until 9pm! Do I know how to celebrate an outdated holiday or what!?

Eddie Vedder - Into the Wild Soundtrack: I've just about had it with all these solo albums from rockers. Chuck Ragan of Hot Water Music does a great solo album with a pseudo folk feel to it. Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine has a decent Americana Folk album out as The Nightwatchman. Bad Religion frontman Greg Graffin has a new solo album out. All of them are solo albums that are at least somewhat different from their full band's endeavors, so I accept them. But nothing annoys me more in music than when a frontman goes solo in order to produce an album EXACTLY like the band they usually play with. Tom Delange of Blink 182 went off to make Angels & Airwaves and Boxcar Racer in order to write songs identical to the more emo tracks by Blink 182. Just a few weeks ago, Serj Tankian put out an album that sounds exactly like System of a Down. Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie has written inumerable songs that sound exactly like Death Cab tracks. And most recently, Eddie Vedder has put out the soundtrack to Into the Wild, writing songs that would be very accessible in a Pearl Jam collection. So what gives? Why do these people keep shirking their bandmates to create songs that their band could totally play. I can understand if it's an acoustic, solo thing-- but most of these guys have full bands backing them. I guess primarily, it's the fact that the frontmen already have such distinctive and unique voices, that no matter who plays behind them it's going to sound like themselves. When Chris Cornell and Rage Against the Machine teamed up, Audioslave sounded like a variation on a Soundgarden album. If Michael Stipe sings with anyone else, it's going to sound like R.E.M. Bands that have changed their sound over the years aren't able to escape their former bands by making new ones, because no matter what they do (unless they create a LUTE ALBUM like Sting), their creation would have been acceptable to the old fans. I feel like the old bandmates MUST either hate the front guy who does his own thing, or HATE the music that they are going to be making. Otherwise, why would they split up for the new gig?

Regardless, Eddie Vedder's new solo album is incredibly good. It clocks in at just over 30 minutes, which is a bit weak, but each song flows perfectly into the next, creating the feeling of one long song, blending and merging, with various movements and moods. There are one or two obvious "hits" that are being played on the radio, but when put in the context of the full album, these songs are even better. "Hard Sun" is one of the longest and best songs on the album, and it's one of those songs where you KNOW Vedder hit on a rhythm and lyric that he liked and realized he could sing it over and over again while only making it better. I don't know if it's worth 10-15 bucks, but if you can get the mp3's or find a friend's copy, it's entirely worth checking out and listening to (I'd actually be willing to pay 10, but not 15). Check it out.

Hating Kids: I decided tonight that I really dislike children. Not in a specific sense, or an always sense, but in a "sporadically upon reflection" sense, i.e. when they ring your doorbell obnoxiously and demand candy, then take more candy than you said, even though you were allowing way more pieces than most other people. I mean, I get it, Halloween is fun, and I always got a lotta candy, but I didn't ring the doorbell a million times, or knock on the door like a jackass. Little kids are cute, they win. After that, they are annoying. They're either awkward or too cool or awkwardly uncool. They want to impress the kids they're with, and act like "the man" when they take a lotta candy despite what you say. Mark this as the day I sound MOST like Andy Rooney. It's not a proud day for me, but it's certainly a Wednesday.

New Books Worth Reading!(?): Nick Hornby has a new book out allegedly for teens, but according to Borders, bought mainly by adults who are enjoying it themselves since it's Nick Hornby. Michael Chabon has a new book out about some very specific niche literary, Jewish, satire/adventure something something. I'm guessing he's gone too far into his tiny realm of the world. JEFF LINDSAY has a new Dexter book out! Dexter In the Dark is the third book in the Dexter book series that the TV series is based on. The plots differ (at least through book two) so you don't have to worry about overlapping secrets, and the writing is quick and fun. I'm pumped to check it out....from the library....eventually....because I can't pay 25 bucks for a hardcover 6 hour mystery read....Tom Perotta, author of Little Children and Election has a new book out-- I got nothing else about that one except there's probably a lot of sex involved.

Fact: Curb Your Enthusiasm is KILLIN IT THIS YEAR! Watch it immediately.
Opinion: Seinfeld has gone too far with the HP ads and the Bee Movie promos.
Fact: VCR's are still useful for taping things and transporting them.
Action Item: Get a job.
Opinion: Friday Night Lights has some problems this season, but Explosions In the Sky still does a kickass soundtrack and other albums.
Cool Name: Chuck Sturges.
Best Sport This Weekend: SAT: New England vs. New York MLS playoffs. SUN: Pats vs. Colts.

I'm thinking about a tv lineup post tomorrow-- we'll see what happens. Happy Halloween and how are Milk Duds still in production?

The Fact/Opinion/Etc Portion Is Like If I Went Solo,
Witz