Witz DOESN'T Pick: Commercials During National Sporting Events

I've watched a lot of sports in my life, and have dealt with it as best I can. Local sports are easier to deal with-- you see the same commercials over and over again, but they're local and goofy and you can feel like knowing and seeing them brings you closer to the team and the locale. Nationally broadcast sports, however, are a whole other story. With the sole exception of the Super Bowl, which has been having worse and worse commercials each year as Tivo and The Internet have been thriving, nothing is worse than a national sports broadcast when it comes to commercials. Having been watching the MLB Playoffs, and from past years' experience, I have to say that while nationally broadcast regular season games are frustrating, nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to nationally broadcast PLAYOFF SERIES. Be it the NBA, NHL, or MLB (and I'm not even gonna get into the broadcasting horror that is Tim McCarver who has proven this year to be on equal ground with a retarded three year old just learning to use his words-- I keep expecting him to tell Joe Buck, "I just wanna kiss you" like Joe Montana did that time to the sideline reporter) the commercials have become unbearable. And baseball is the worst because of the inning breaks. Here's why.

Baseball has the pregame, the postgame, the middle innings break, and the end of inning break. That's 17 scheduled breaks plus And throughout all of these breaks and games, there are a grand total of maybe four commercials. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It's too much. Having watched all the ALDS on TBS, I got to see ALL of the Frank TV promos (that show better effing RULE) and maybe one or two other commercials, that I have now blacked out from my mind. SO IT DIDNT EVEN WORK. On Fox, as the games keep coming, I have been staring at the same commercials for hours and hours, and it's driving me slowly insane. Here are a few of the big ones.

Ford: Guess who's country this is? OURS! Which didn't bother me before, but now that Ford still hasn't killed off their "This is ooouuurrr country" commercials after at least a year, I'm starting to wonder if maybe we shouldn't give some of it away. Everytime I hear John Mellancamp singing out that song I want to punch him in the face and run off to Canada to see if maybe they don't have a "bill of sale" receipt lying around somewhere from the 1800's when we were so sure about the south. And yes, he's John Mellancamp-- I have revoked his "Cougar" priveledges until further notice. The whole campaign makes me want to run my own commercials where a Native American is hanging out with his buddies by their Subaru's and Pickup trucks, and just offscreen you hear the "This is ouuuur country" song playing and they all just flick off the camera. It'd be a weird commercial, and I don't know what it'd be for-- but I think it would freak out enough people that the song would get pulled.

Taco Bell: This commercial recently got shortened from its original length because the producers realized it didn't make any friggen sense. In this commercial, an older brother is talkin' to his younger "bro" about life. They're sitting on the couch with some nachos bellgrande and the older brother gives him the straight dope. He says "Alright little bro, there are three life lessons every MAN needs to live by: Never own a lapdog, never date a woman with dragon tattoos, and ALWAYS ORDER CHILI ON YOUR NACHOS BELLGRANDE!" The guy's kinda douchey, but he also probably wants to bond with his brother, who he clearly hasn't seen since their parents divorced and he took off to be a roadie for Monster Magnet ten years ago. Now this could still work, if awkard and lame until the following happens: his girlfriend with a dragon tattoo hands him his small lapdog and says, "Walk your dog." The older brother looks embarrassed and searches for a way out-- much like how the writers of the commercial must have been searching for a way out. Because they just told me NOT TO ORDER NACHOS BELLGRANDE WITH CHILI. That's the punchline-- and don't get me wrong, I think it's honest and accurate. But it's a little surprising coming from the people of Taco Bell. Then another weird part finishes off the commercial-- the younger brother looks at the older brother...AND GIVES HIM THE "WHIPPED" ::whoopssh:: while "Whip It" plays in the background. That doesn't make ANY sense. First of all, the response DOESN'T match the setup. The setup had to do with the big brother being wrong about all of the thing MEN have as rules. Being or not being whipped has nothing to do with it-- unless it's saying that he's NOT a man because he's whipped. Oh, but here's the rub-- HE ISN'T WHIPPED. It's his freaking dog, why the hell should his girlfriend walk it for him, whether she's tattoed with dragons or not? Is the ultimate message of the commercial that Dragon Tattoed Women Will Not Help You Out With Basic Tasks That Are Your Responsibility Even When You Are Otherwise Occupied? Is it a morality narrative? A tale of warning? Because no matter how you cut it, he is not whipped-- he's just super lame and wants to impress his Colin Hanks-esk brother. Taco Bell should have gotten another song in the background-- like MXPX's "Responsibility" or The Cars's "Just What I needed" or even R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"-- I mean EVERYBODY loves that song, even if it isn't relevant.

Chevrolet Green Technology: Ya cut me deep, guy, ya cut me deep. You all know these green technology commercials that Chevy is working on. Kids are sitting around talking to a guy in metaphors and similes. Well, I don't have any problem with the commercials themselves (except for when the guy is like, "How many of you are vegetarians? And like 60% of the group raises their hand-- they're like eight years old! They are definitely not vegetarians, nor should they be without very close monitoring by their parents. They're gonna develop iron deficiencies and weak limbs and small brains. Having a child that young say they're a vegetarian is like having a baby wearing a The Ramones t-shirt-- it doesn't reflect the child, it reflects the parent. And that's crap-- especially when I don't even buy that 60% of the parents of these children are vegetarians (or is it 30% of the parents if only one parent is veggie? Does vegetarianism get contracted through the Mom or the Dad?). Chevy has manipulated group statistics for the sake of a commercial), but what I have a problem with is the spokesman. The guy who is talking to the children is none other than BILL FROM THE WASHINGTON MUTUAL COMMERCIALS! You know him as the lovable, African-American man with a childlike face and stringent customer relations values. He wouldn't let those old white guys ruin banking anymore! Now he's affably tricking kids into brand associating with Chevy for the rest of their lives, all the while being friendly and unassuming. This shatters my world! Being in Seattle when the WaMu commercials started, I kinda half believed that the actor "Bill" was actually a guy in charge named Bill. We worked with WaMu quite a bit at my non-profit job and it wouldn't surprise me if one of the higher ups appeared in their commercials. NOPE! FAKER. "ACTOR." BULLSHITTER. He took my trust and got a better deal. Not my problem-- WaMu is screwed. This is the largest affront (read: psychotic break) towards faux-reality since the Jetsons ran into the Flintstones. Seen any new episodes of thoooose shows anytime recently? My point exactly.

I'll Try and Be More Positive Next Week-- Have A Great Weekend and GO SOX,
Witz

P.S. A.K.A. Bonus footage: (and bonus acronyms) In that Taco Bell commercial, watch the part at the end when the younger brother eats a nacho. They shot it so oddly that it actually looks like the older brother is feeding the nacho to him which is even more jarring when the next shot is a wide shot of the two and that's not the case at all. Who eats nachos with their elbow WAY OUT OF THE SCREEN? It's like he was gonna take a picture of himself, but then got a nacho instead of a camera. Awful commercial (but now they've shortened it so it just says, "Man Rule: Always get Chili on your Nachos Bellgrande!" and THAT'S IT).

Witz Pickz: The Red Sox Winning The Division-- A Red Sox Column

Alright, alright, I know that this isn't a Red Sox blog and that a lot of you probably don't care about baseball or the Red Sox-- and you might even like other MLB teams and hate the Red Sox. And I almost felt bad about writing a Red Sox post today...and then I realized...IT'S MY BLOG. I haven't written a sports or Red Sox post yet on this puppy and today I start because:

Today is most important game of the 2007 Red Sox season. They face the Devil Rays who I don't suspect ever thought they would be included in any important games ever. They are named after an animal that has only one recorded kill ever-- The Crocodile Hunter. High profile, but not particularly threatening. I mean, look at the other teams-- The Yankees...killed thousands upon thousands of southerners in the Civil War, not to mention the American Revolution. The Braves-- while unfortunate, Native Americans probably killed more people than sea creatures of the stingray variety. Even the Blue Jays, Cardinals, and Orioles probably account for more bird-watching related deaths than devil-ray attacks. I know for certain that the Milwaukee Brewer's cause more drunk driving and alcohol related deaths each year. But what about the Red Sox, right? I mean, Sox? I will answer you two-fold. Firstly, the Sox were short for Stockings which also aren't threatening. But do you know how the "cks" became an "x"? When the Red Stockings players formed a makeshift militia and fought crime in the streets of the cities they played in. Their socks ran red with the blood of the damned, and they would mark the victims with an X-- like at Passover. ALSO, the original name for the Red Sox was the Boston Americans. And who has killed more people over the years than Americans? The Germans-- you are correct. But we're supposed tobe giving Germany a break these days, so let's just leave it at "The Americans have killed a lotta people and are more imposing than the Devil Rays." SO, to reiterate, nobody thought the Devil Rays would ever play in an important game ever.

And yet here they are. For those of you not in the know, the Boston Red Sox haven't won a division title in 12 years-- or at least, The New York Yankees have not LOST a division title in 12 years. Every damn year they win it. This season, the Red Sox have been in first place since April. They still hold a 1.5 game lead in the AL East, but the Yankees have started playing like robot baseball gods, and are shockingly (unless you've ever followed baseball, in which case, NOT shockingly), only 1.5 back from the lead. The Red Sox have played some of the worst baseball ever. After a rest yesterday, they play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays after losing 2 out of 3 to the Yanks and getting swept by the Blue Jays (who are you scared of? The Blue Jays? The Devil Rays? Oakland? my Friend With A Pool asked me before the Yankees series. YES. ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE RED SOX-- and it has been). SO DEAR GOD, LET THE RED SOX GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND WIN THE DIVISION.

There's no possible way for you to root against the Red Sox on this-- you can say you don't like the Sox, but in this scenario, your only alternative is the Yankees. If the Sox don't win it, the Yanks will, and that's like saying, "I hate that Winston Churchill so much, everyone thought he was all smart and charismatic, but he was just as power hungry as the rest of em. No, I much prefer Hitler." You can hate whoever you want, but rooting for the Yanks if you aren't a Yankees fan is like saying it's better to eat baby cows because they don't have to suffer more by growing up and getting slaughtered-- shit, I knew that would come back to haunt me.

But look, the Red Sox have Josh Beckett pitching tonight-- he's got 19 wins and has pitched far better than that. Problem is, they are going against Scott Kazmir, who is notorious for owning the Red Sox. Plus, Manny, Kevin Youkilis, and Coco Crisp are injured and Ortiz probably won't start. It's gonna have to be Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, or The Weak-Kneed-Ill-Designed JD Drew who steps up and makes something happen. My money's on Jacoby Ellsbury-- the best minor league player (non-pitcher) I've seen the Sox have since Nomar. I'm actively trying to get my girlfriend to date him-- that's how much I like him. He's freakin super fast, can hit the ball to both sides, and as a bonus, is the first Navajo Native American to make the Majors. That instills faith in me somehow, though I've been told that is racist, but it's the good kind of racist-- I trust the Navajo-- their culture of spirituality and oppression instills a confidence in me. They are a plains people-- swift-footed and keen of sight. Evolution and cultural accoutrements still count. Plus, I got to say accountrements, and that's pretty sweet.

Despite the hardships, I believe the Red Sox WILL win the division. Up until ten minutes ago, I didn't. I knew they'd lose it. But you know what? Eff it. I'm going for it this time, and I think they can pull it off. I've used the "Lost All Hope" reverse voodoo juju too many times-- starting with "There's no way Jeff Frye is going to get a hit" right before his game winning single in some game way back when, all the way up to "Not a chance in hell Julio Lugo is gonna get a hit. This game is over" comeback a couple of weeks ago. For those who don't know, Julio Lugo is about 4 ft. 2 inches, with a look on his face when batting that says, "What's this guy gonna throw me? He's gonna trick me isn't he? I can't believe it-- he's gonna trick me! What's he gonna throw me!?" And yet he hit a home run in the 4-3 loss the the Jays the other night. Anything is possible, that is why sports are incredible and emotional, and worthwhile. Tonight, the Sox play the Devil Rays in the biggest game (but not the only one left) of the season. GO SOX.

Also, watch Friday Night Lights when it comes back on-- it's a great series if you like sports or teen drama at all and it starts back up October 5th. Apparently it's in danger of getting cancelled soon, so support it.

I feel better,
Witz

P.S. Here are some The Onion links involving baseball or the Yankees, which are amusing and cheered me up dramatically:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fucking_yankees_reports_nation
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/left_bed_in_clemens
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_another_baseball
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/johnny_damon_probably
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/slight_breeze_shatters_ken
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54214
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53979
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/jonathan_papelbons_95_mph