Witz Pickz: It's 2012, Bitches! Get Some.

It's 2012. We're finally here. The year I will turn 30, the year in which Obama can go all Season 4 of The West Wing on some Republican Candidate, and the year the Mayans decided to call it a day on calendar making. With all these potentially catastrophic events looming, it's more important than ever to make New Year's Resolutions and stick to them.

Is this the year I decide I'm too old to use toilet paper as kleenex? Is this really the year I'm going to catch up on How I Met Your Mother or was that just a fluke post-holiday Netflix binge? Is this the year I stop wasting time playing useless video games like NCAA Football 2010, even though I've led UConn to two bowl games and a National Championship in the year 2015? "These are the things you can't tell me if we're going to keep dating," M-Dash tells me and I understand why: it's because she doesn't know that UConn is a mediocre football program at best and that I'm very impressive. I explain this to her, but she shakes her head, and I realize it's something deeper.


(This guy gets it.)

The last post I wrote in 2010 was about Wall Street 2 and the first of 2011 was about passing out while giving blood. Everyone's written about the trials and tribulations of 2011, but I think those two posts sum up the year just as well. I never wrote about my resolutions like I had in previous years, so this is a great place to start for this year's resolutions:

1) Write About My Resolutions - CHHHEEEECK! Man, I love lists!

2) Write More Posts for You All - I wrote 15 posts in 2011, an all-time low. Now, if you take into account that the number of posts I write is an inverse proportion to my happiness with life, then you might look at this as a good thing. However, nobody ever paid someone to write about their happiness, so I'll see what I can do moving forward.

3) Stop Talking About Ideas, Start Doing Them - That's right, no more talk about great ideas like "Cleetus the Penis with Hats On" without some kind of follow through.



4) Making this a thing we call the last decade:

SISTER: What did they call the 00's, anyway? The zeroes?
FRIEND: The oughts.
SISTER: What?
ME: The oughts; the twenty-oughts; the "twoughts." OH MY GOD, THE TWOUGHTS!

5) Get a job that lasts 12 straight months....hahaha, no, I'm kidding, that's stupid. But seriously, somebody hire me to write this shit for money. One of you has to have that power. Don't get me wrong, doing freelance work pays the rent, but utilities and Netflix I pay for with a little job I call, "I Guess I'll Watch You Do That For $100, but I Don't See What the Stuffed Animal Has to Do with Anything or Why I Have to Be Wearing Roller Blades." But, a guy needs his streaming video. And that kids, is How I Met Your Mother.

I'm Like Congress, I Have All These Resolutions, But They End Up Stuck in the House,
Witz

Witz Pickz: New Year's Resolutions 2008

Hello faithful readers, it's been far too long. Instead of placing blame on the lack of posts, let's instead remember that we are lucky as a culture to be able to place blame, for there are others around the world who are not so fortunate as to be able to vocalize who it is they think is to blame for things. Our freedom to blame is in itself a reason not to. Boom.

Although I tried mightily to avoid it, I don't think I have a choice but to post about New Year's Resolutions and my New Year's Resolution. Some of you might remember last year's resolution, which set down a solid foundation for this year's resolution. Here it is for easy reference:

"It is for this reason that my resolution this year is: To Do My Best To Stick To Future Resolutions. That's right, I'm resolving to resolve in the future. While this might sound like a total cop-out, it is actually quite brilliant. You see, every year I make a resolution and then say, "meh, nobody's holding me to that one..." you know these resolutions; when you don't feel like doing those situps, when you figure why not watch 6 hours of television tonight? When you say you're gonna eat better, but then at Thanksgiving gravy suddenly becomes soup. Hot Fudge Shortage strikes the East Coast-- Failed Resolution To Blame. That type of thing. Well now with this new resolution to try harder on future resolutions, I have two layers of defense. In the future, when I resolve to make it in professional arm wrestling, I can't just quit after my first defeat to an elderly yet suprisingly spry grandmother. "It's just this year's resolution" i'll think, but then will remember that it is also LAST year's resolution. That's two levels of legitimacy instead of one.

Think of it as laying a groundwork for the future. Perhaps next year I'll make another structural resolution to even more solidify this year's. If the Iraq War has taught us anything, it is that infrastructure is king (but not the kind of king that gasses his own people), and we must therefore lay a strong infrastructure for our own future. It is an "ally-oop" resolution-- This year I am simply throwing the ball in the air, but over the next year, three, years, ten years, I will be slamming down the resolutions-- food, tv, drinking, dual handguns, fear of Popples. There is no telling how much I might be able to improve my life simply due to this year's resolution Resolution."

Now, this year, with the solid foundation laid, I need to build on it. So with that in mind, this year's resolution is to stick to making REALISTIC resolutions for the future. No longer will I make resolutions like, "Make pecs jump on command," or "Learn Spanish." A lot of the time I believe that if I just start FAKE speaking Spanish, I will ACTUALLY start speaking Spanish-- and that was kind of my gameplan to learn to speak Spanish-- just start fake talking it. Well, that didn't work, and since I'm still not able to speak Spanish, French, Russian, or ASL, those will be out in the future. And no more resolutions to win the lottery-- clearly I cannot Pick Six. No more shooting fire from my fingertips-- sure it sounds plausible, but no matter how many X-Men episodes or movies I watch, it's just not happening for me. Same goes with telekinesis. I can't even do most basic math functions with my mind, how the fuck am I going to move shit? It's time to get back to simplicity and achievability.

Thanks to my resolution to stick to resolutions, this new resolution will definitely stick, and I am very excited to see what next year brings. I'll almost definitely resolve to make one paper airplane per month and set it free from my balcony. It's not impossible that I will resolve to go running "sometimes" or "lift weights when plausible." You're gonna be seeing a lot less, "Stop eating pizza" and a lot more, "Get drunk and dance awkwardly at party." As I make these more realistic resolutions, I'll start to gain more confidence. I'll have last year's resolution to fall back on, and I'll have this year's resolution to keep my eye on the prize-- success. As my confidence builds, I'll start believing MORE resolutions are REALISTIC and when that happens, there's no telling how high I might fly-- which was one resolution I will be forced to cross off next year's list.

Seriously Though, How Is It 2008,
Witz