Witz Flickz: The 84th Annual Academy Awards

I hate the Oscars. I do--and you probably do, too. It's not a unique perspective. And every year I say I'm not gonna watch, but every year I inevitably find myself bored out of my mind in front of a television for four straight hours, listening to the painfully awkward award introductions and hoping something crazy happens. Would it be so tough to "accidentally" mic Mel Gibson? Is it so much to ask to have ONE of losing nominees mouth, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!"

Every Super Bowl half-time show seems to have some sort of scandal, but you put hundreds of ego-maniacs in a room vying for prizes and NOTHING?? The best we ever get is the mandatory shot of Jack Nicholson smiling drunkenly from behind his shades--a reminder that some wild guys are out there, and eventually Something's Gotta Give--but that's As Good As It Gets...

SO, instead of pretending I'm not going to watch this year, I decided to lean into it and keep a running commentary of the 84th Annual Academy Awards. I'm warning you right now, this is going to be as much a reflection of me watching the awards as it is a commentary on what happens, so if you need a verbatim summary, this isn't the place for you and also you're probably wasting your life.

On to the Awards!

6:15 - This is the only pre-show comment I'm gonna make. The NYC affiliate has Oscar coverage by Sandy Kenyon, which sounds ridiculously like a porn name.

7:00pm – I thought the show started at 7pm, but it turns out there’s 90 minutes of OFFICIAL Red Carpet Coverage! In an unexpected move which I won't even bother explaining, M-Dash and I spend this time watching season one, episodes two and three of The O.C. instead. The standard has been set for the night.

8:30pm - Morgan Freeman kicks off the show. Just to be clear...we're all cool with him banging and marrying his step-granddaughter? Really? We're just gonna let that be a thing that’s ok? Alright...



8:35pm - I immediately regret my decision. Billy Crystal hasn’t had his gchat status set to “busy” in ten years, so, yeah, he was available to host the Oscars. I’ve read that, thanks to The Artist, this year’s Oscars are featuring the history of film (so it’s basically Hollywood celebrating Hollywood while celebrating Hollywood), so I guess having a host who hasn’t been funny or relevant in a decade makes sense. Remind me again why they got rid of Eddie Murphy…

8:37pm – Crystal goes through his usual routine: video montage, song and dance, talking to the front row and having them awkwardly reply or shrug. It’s alright, but feels more like an impersonation of what he used to do than something new and well-done. He makes fun of Jonah Hill for losing weight, which is weird coming from a dude who looks just like Wooly Willy:



8:40 - Tom Hanks gives out the first award, and with his haircut and new beard, he looks like one of those Nazis who hid out in South America. Achievement in Cinematography goes to Hugo and this guy who looks like Kenny Rogers immediately sets the bar for quotes of the night by telling some dude in the crowd to, "Stick it in there all the way." (???)

8:50pm - There's a McDonald's commercial where this teenage girl is lookin' at some teenage guy and eating fries while saying, "He loves me, he loves me not," after each bite. I'll tell ya what, girl, it doesn't matter what you end up with--high school's rough and if you keep eating all those fries, he's gonna love you not.

8:53pm - And now, scenes from movies!

8:54pm - Costume Design goes to The Artist. I didn't know the guy from Guess Who got into film!



9:00pm - I looked away for a minute and was like 95% sure that J-Lo's boob popped out, because she and Cameron Diaz were suddenly laughing and saying, "Well, ya take a chance people--hello--ya take a chance!" but after reviewing the footage three times, it turns out that they just thought it would be hi-laaarious if they TURNED AROUND while announcing the winner and--get this--it was NOT. Comedy. Wizards.

9:07pm - A Separation wins Best Foreign Language Film. Soooo, are we cool now, Iran?

9:10pm - Goddamn it! Billy Crystal practically begged Christian Bale to make a scene, but instead he just sticks it to us by talking and reminding everyone that he's British.

9:12pm - Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress for The Help even though her role didn't include handling a herd of puppies or pretending to have food poisoning. I guess I just don't know what the Academy wants, anymore...

9:17pm - Well, "Miracle Whip: Keep an Open Mouth" is a thing.

9:22pm - Bradley Cooper looks just like Jean Dujardin. They have the same expressions. It bothered me the whole time I was watching The Artist. I thought, "He's like a poor man's Bradley Cooper!" and then I thought, "Wait, that can't be right..."

9:23pm - And the Award for Best Editing goes to: me, for skipping over these awards that no one cares about.

9:35pm - Cirque du Soleil performs and it's easily better than any of the Best Picture nominees. One guy misses a move and gets a foot up his ass, but it's still pretty amazing. Though, if the Academy really wanted to impress me, they should have gotten The Book of Mormon tickets.

9:42pm - Best Documentary - YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!! UNDEFEATED! Sure, it might have been the only documentary I saw of the nominees, but it's also GREAT. Aaaaand, they forgot to thank the kids who they documented. C'mon guys. That's the type of stuff that loses games.


(The closest thing to Friday Night Lights that reality has to offer...except for the actual kids who Friday Night Lights was based on...)

9:45pm - Chris Rock kills it with his intro for Best Animated Film. He also reminds me that I really want to get into voice-acting and get paid bank to talk every now and then. Anyway, I'm rootin' for Rango for my buddy, Turbo, at ILM.

9:47pm - BOOM. RANGO. Take THAT people who thought it was awkward that three dudes went and saw Rango in a theater full of little kids, especially when the movie was over and one of us had to go to the bathroom so the other two had to stand by the bathroom while lots of children walked by and their parents gave us suspicious looks! Best Animated Film.



9:54pm - Is Ben Stiller like...3 feet tall? Best Visual Effects should go to whomever makes Ben Stiller not look like a tiny little ape-man in all his movies.



9:56pm - Hugo wins for Visual Effects. It's gonna be awkward when everyone who worked on Hugo has an Oscar except for Martin Scorcese.

9:58pm - Best Supporting Actor. Holy shit--Nick Nolte looks like a boulder with a drinking problem. Christopher Plummer's favored like a billion to one on every gambling site, which are actually the same odds that Jonah Hill has a career now that he's skinny. Plummer wins.

10:19pm - So, the entire theme of the Oscars tonight seems to be, "The Artist is going to win Best Picture." It's almost awkward.

10:23pm - Speaking of which, now's as good a time as any to rant about Best Picture. I saw six of the nine nominees (yeah, ask me if I saw War Horse), and it's insane that Drive wasn't nominated for most of the major categories. I'm not saying that Ryan Gosling should win best actor--I mean, the guy barely talks the entire movie, so how could that win, right?? BUT, Drive should easily have been nominated and potentially even have won for Best Cinematography, Sound Design, Score, Screenplay, Director, and Best Picture.



10:30pm - Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Descendants and Best Screenplay goes to Woody Allen who isn't there because Midnight in Paris wasn't the best screenplay.

10:44pm - Every Animated Short they ever show looks like they were made by a blind person and a squirrel who dropped acid together.

10:51pm - Best Director goes to The Artist. That's all--i just thought you should know.

10:58pm - I know it wasn't a joke, but when Alec Baldwin says, "James Earl Jones is one of the greatest actors in American history," sounding like Jack Donaghy, I can't help but laugh.

11:09pm - I can't believe Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is still advertising. If I ever get "the blue-box blues," I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

11:13pm - Best Actor. If Jean Dujardins wins, I'm gonna stab a fat baby. All that guy did was run around with exagerrated expressions of happy, sad, angry, and confused. I know there's that whole, "He did it without talking," aspect, but...HE DID IT WITHOUT TALKING. Everyone else had to act and talk.

11:18pm - One less fat baby. Jean Dujardins wins--oh! Oh! Now you can talk, huh? He's smiling and you'll never guess what--it looks exactly like when he was "smile-acting." Tap-dancing doesn't make friends.

11:24pm - Best Actress. Meryl Streep wins and starts throwing out sound bytes for her Lifetime Achievement Award montage. They cut to Sandra Bullock because apparently, she's the go-to "Heartfelt Reaction Shot" these days.


(Because she always looks like this, i.e. sad.)

11:27pm - Uhhh, is Jack Nicholson dead? He wasn't in the memorial video, but I don't ever remember him missing the Oscars. Who's the next "Old Drunk Icon" gonna be when he's gone? I'd say Nick Nolte, again, but Jack made everyone happy when they saw him and Nolte makes everyone, well, make the Sandra Bullock face.

11:33pm - Best G.D. Picture goes to The Artist. A film about a movie star who has a big ego and is too proud to accept help when he becomes obsolete. BUT none of them talk! And the score sounds like a DVD menu on repeat! And there's a dog! Meh. I'll take a scorpion track jacket over that any day. Seriously, though, where do I get a scorpion track jacket?

When Will They Have a Best Outtakes Award?,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The Academy Awards

Let's start by assuming that The Academy Awards are entirely useless, sketchy at best, and way way too long. Now, with that assumption as our basis, let me say that I pick this year's Academy Awards. Plus, I was special requested to blog about it, and that's enough in my book.



Obvious Pros of this year's show:



Jon Stewart-- I thought he did a great job riding the line between Hollywood in-guy and Hollywood Cynic/counter-culture. He made fun of the oscars just enough for everywhere there to feel comfortable with their self-congratulation. He had some great one liners and the monologue was short and sweet and was thankfully without any song or dance. My favorite line was after a technical award was announced and he said, "Somebody just took the lead in their oscar pool based on a guess..." So very true (including for me). The only thing weird about Jon Stewart was that I didn't believe him at all when he was being positive and uplifting. He'd say something like, "what a wonderful actress" or "what an amazing child, isn't she?" and it would sound fake. I think he meant some of the positive stuff he said, but he sounded awkward doing it-- probably because it was what he was EXPECTED to say.



Marketa Irglova Bonus Time: I was super happy when Once won for Best Original Song, as it was a terrific movie and a great soundtrack, but felt horrible for Marketa Irglova when Glen Hansard used up all the time and she didn't get to say anything (they turned off the mic?). Then they did something awesome and unexpected and came back from commercial to bring her back onstage and let her give a short speech. I think everyone appreciated it.



98 Year Old Honorary Oscar: I'm a little mixed on this. Production Designer Robert Boyle was given an honorary oscar at the past ripe age of 98. On one hand, it's good that they gave him an award I guess, but as my friend Beantown Green Light said, "Really? They didn't think to give this to him when he was NINETY-SEVEN??? Or maybe when he was 80 and could walk unassisted?" Seriously. I think the guy was even wearing a prayer shawl in case he dropped dead at any minute. By 98, isn't the award a little awkward? I mean, that's like saying, "Sorry you weren't able to win an actual award in your ninety-seven years on this planet, so here's an honorary one because you've lived for a long time." I'm not sure I would feel great about that. I did enjoy his speech, however, where he thanked "Hitch." As it turns out, he was referring to Alfred Hitchcock, but I enjoyed the few minutes when I thought he was referring to the Kevin James/Will Smith film. Something about the idea of the 98 year old man thanking Hitch for the laughs made me happy. Other than that, I don't remember what he said, but if I know old people, he told us all to brush our teeth and listen to our mothers.

Steve Carrell, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, (and Jon Stewart): I feel like starting with Little Miss Sunshine, some kind of indie non-hollywood circle has infiltrated the ranks of Hollywood. Steve Carrell, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, and to some extent Jon Stewart, are all genuinely funny people who feel very grassroots and don't seem to quite fit in Hollywood. When Jonah and Seth presented that award, it was like they didn't quite belong there, but in a good way, and it was as if the oscars were usurped somehow for a minute or two. Very strange and I don't exactly know how to describe it. Somehow, this is connected to Juno and how much success it's had.

Cons (Some More Obvious Than Others) of this year's Oscars:

The Montages: Holy crap! For a show that made fun of the fact that they were going to have to show a lot of montages, they sure showed a freakin' lot of montages!!! They even made fun of the montages they "were going to have to show" by showing a Binoculars and Periscopes Montage and a People Waking Up From Nightmares Montage, but then they actually went ahead and fairly legitimately showed a BEES IN MOVIES MONTAGE via Jerry Seinfeld and his damn Bee Movie. Incidentally, is that movie even coming out?? Bee Movie has to be the most plugged, overhyped animated movie ever at this point, and I STILL haven't heard even a single person say, "I'm gonna see that when it comes out." Are tensions with bees particularly rough right now so they have to keep pushing back the release date? What the hell is going on? There were Bee Movie plugs during the WORLD SERIES (HP commercials?). Anyway, I was shocked that they didn't have a "Montage of Montages" joke at the end there, but when you watch the oscars in fast forward on dvr, that's pretty much what you get.

Those Two Enchanted Songs: I'm not saying I hate musicals, but how come every time a tea pot sings about happiness, Oscar comes a callin'? For best song, two different songs from Enchanted were nominated. One was about happily working and the other was about love. Eddie Vedder's Into the Wild soundtrack wasn't allowed to be included because it wasn't done specifically and solely for the film apparently, so I guess this is what we're left with. Now, as you know, I wanted the song from Once to win, and it did, but not before I had a conversation with Beantown Green Light.

"I want Once to win."
"Enchanted has better odds."
"Oh, I didn't realize I was speaking with a math wizard."

I recognize that Enchanted had a 40% chance to win vs. 20% for everyone else, but that stat doesn't mean those Enchanted songs don't SUCK any less. Thank goodness Once took it. Sidenote: was it just me or did Patrick Dempsey talk like an idiot robot when he presented? Maybe he IS a robot with limited vocab programming, and that's why they have to keep recycling the same exact plot on Grey's Anatomy. Zing.

Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman were in attendance: I didn't really realize it until last night, but Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman are my two most hated people in Hollywood. Laura Linney annoys me more by far and has never had a role that I've liked her in. People love her and think she's great, and maybe she's great, but she's great at playing characters I loath. She plays the same damn uppity, self-involved, done wrong by the world, woman in every role and yet every time I see a movie she's in I think, "oh, hey, Laura Linney is in this..." before remembering how annoyed she makes me. The Truman Show, The Nanny Diaries, The Hottest State, the Squid and the Whale, You Can Count On Me, Love Actually....the list goes on. The only movie she didn't drive me nuts in was Mystic River, and the only difference there was a thick accent. As for Philip I-Need-to-Sey-Less-Of Hoffman, he's got the gross market cornered, and while I haven't seen all of Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, I saw the scenes that have scarred me for life and made even Marissa Tomei seem gross. I won't deny that he's a TREMENDOUS actor who has done a ton of great great stuff, but his snivelling, understated talking style has surpassed my acceptability level. Happiness didn't help any.

MISCELLANEOUS:

Denzel Washington: Am I crazy or did Denzel Washington look and sound ripshit that American Gangster wasn't up for anything? From what I heard, it was a great movie, and it didn't get a single nod. Denzel looked disgusted to be reading the other people's names, especially when he read Juno and paused momentarily to scratch his face and put a finger over his mouth. I can imagine feeling a bit upset having made an epic gangster movie about a prolific black gangster and then having to read the name of a movie about a quirky girl who got pregnant but it was ok. Probably a little upsetting.

Owen Wilson: You just KNOW that Owen Wilson's publicist made him go, because there is NO WAY he wanted to be there. He didn't pause, smile, or acknowledge the crowd when he presented, he simply got to the mic, read his lines, and backed away. Maybe he'll feel better after Drill Bit Taylor comes out....uh oh.....

Forrest Whitaker: How did his eye not get a nomination this year? Shocking. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he was hitting on Marion Cotillard as he walked her off the stage. Sidenote: Great moment at the beginning of the show when Jon Stewart made a joke that Barrack Hussein Obama has the worst name since Gaydolf Gitler in the '46 election. Cut to a shot of Marion Cotillard shaking her head "no" and rolling her eyes a little. You just KNOW that whoever was next to her just asked, "Is that true?" Classic.

Well, much like the Oscars, that went on far longer than it had to. I'm sure I'll remember more right after I finish posting, but that's what the comments section is for. Make me proud people.

Puff Daddy Thinks He's Gonna Win An Oscar Someday,
Witz