Sunday, July 01, 2007

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Creepy Factions of Pop-Culture

Apparently I've been either in a good mood or haven't wanted to accrue any negative karma recently, because it's been a while since I "DIDN'T Pick" anything. So here to kick off the week are some things Witz DOESN'T Pick:

Hilarious Bathroom Stories: I'm not saying that I watched "The View" while I was sick, but I somehow saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes on the program and then saw this little bit: "Do you have pictures of your child getting all wrapped up in toilet paper? How about doing funny things in the bathtub? We want your hilarious bathroom stories and photogaphs!" WHAT??? So many problems here. For starters, what the hell is The View thinking? Have they lost their minds? Is that the usual level of quality? Maybe I'm crazy, but isn't the only difference between child pornography and hilarious bathroom photos the "creepy basement" aspect? Oh, but there are other problems. A) Nothing in my bathroom experience has ever been HILARIOUS. Confusing? Sure. Disturbing? Of course. Borderline disastrous? On occasion-- like this one time in elementary school when I had a bad case of the flu, and was sitting there while holding a trash can to throw up in, and had such a high fever that I PASSED OUT and slammed my nose against the bathtub, causing my NOSE TO BLEED PROFUSELY, but not negating the first two fun activities (I'm not above telling you a story like this)!! But HILARIOUS? No. I would say not hilarious. B) Why do these hilarious pictures exist? Who is snapping or videographying all these hilarious bathroom moments? But they must exist-- so either someone walked in with a camera just at the right moment, or was there to begin with and told their child to "hold on just a minute" while they acquired a camera in order to traumatize their child later in life. Either way, that's not good parenting. The View is idiots.

Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper: I truly did not intent there to be a theme when I started this post, but it seems today's post will not win any prizes for "Distinguished Journalism." Having said that, I was shopping the other day and came upon Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper. Lingually, I object to this product because while Charmin' is pronounced "Sharmin" it's definitely spelled like CH-armin', as in charming. So that's weird. But more specifically, I have a problem with this toilet paper because IT EXISTS. Someone used toilet paper and didn't say, "too soft, too rough, not plied enough, or needs lotion", but said, "NOT STRONG ENOUGH." First imagine the scenario and consequences leading up to that statement. That's a hilarious bathroom story (from our perspective). Now think of the fact that the product exists and what that means. Why would anyone need their toilet paper to be "Ultra Strong?" Ultra. Like-- really strong. Was there an accident involving acid and their ass, thereby creating a craggy sandpaper gorge of resistance? Do they wipe with the fury of a thousand beasts? Or is something else entirely going on here that I just straight up do not understand? Am I the weird guy and everyone else is strong-use normal? Please, please tell me.

This Is How We Do It,

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