Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Witz Pickz: Soy Milk, His Balls Where They Currently Reside, and the Potential or Nonexistent Power of Oregano

It appears the comments and my readership has dropped off dramatically with the beginning of summer, and I can't say I've done much to fight it. But today is TUESDAY! And with TUESDAYS come VAST LEAPS OF SUCCESS AND PROACTIVITY! Mondays...not so much. Wednesdays through fridays? Not at all. Saturday and Sunday? Why even ask! No, TUESDAYS are really the days where stuff gets done. It's like it says in the fake, imaginary, always shifting Bible,

"On the first day, God thought about what to do. On the second day, God did as much as he could do while also downloading and watching Showtime television shows (even God wasn't gonna pay for showtime). The rest of the week God found reasons why his other ideas weren't actually that good, like making humans breath underwater, and resistant to fire. He also decided that other people would probably take care of some stuff better than he could, so he let the Japanese invent the SARS mask and Mario Cart 4. THEN...he spaced out a little. When Saturday came, he woke up early in the hopes of doing SO MUCH WITH HIS DAY-- but then he invented Saturday Morning Cartoons, and the Saturday Afternoon Movie, and suddently it was nighttime, and he had kind of a headache. He arose on Sunday, the seventh day of the Lord, and thought, "I ought to do something with my day. Get some work done." But then he remembered that it was Sunday, and Sunday was the day of rest. So he started drinking early, and took a nap from 2-6pm."

So you see that Tuesdays are the day things get done. Here are some posts and being Tuesday, you really ought to comment (although comment kudos go to A-Money for stepping up big in the last few weeks with his comments).

Soy Milk: A curious string of circumstances led to my purchasing a small Trader Joe's box of Soy Milk last week. I never trusted the stuff, but decided I would have some with my cereal. And you know what? IT'S GREAT! Mixed with some cereal, I can't tell the difference from regular milk, which is more expensive, apparently creates more mucus when you're sick (or allthe time?), and goes bad really easily. So I've been using it. This does, however, raise the problem that when it finally does go bad, I will have absolutely no idea! Never having experienced curdled Soy Milk, I won't know until it's too late that I have started consuming an expired product. This, some refer to as, "the spice of life," but which I simply refer to as, "Gross." As for what the hell soy milk is or how healthy or awful for you it is, checkout this blog with all types of stuff I don't understand: SOY MILK!

My Balls Where They Currently Are: I don't even know how to discuss this story. I read about it HERE, but there are articles all over the net. Basically, in Liverpool, UK, a man and woman who were in an open relationship, got into an argument at a party, and she "pulled hard" on his testicles. Here's his response: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.” The pain was due to the fact that she RIPPED OFF HIS BALLS! Apparently she, "tried to swallow the testicle, before spitting it out. She maintains, 'I am in no way a violent person.'" AHHHHHHH. Couple things here. First, I'm a bit confused about how she ripped off his underpants/balls without pants being involved in the equation-- I mean, they were at a party with some friends. Second, she tried to eat the testicle, but then wasn't able to and handed it back to him saying, "This is yours." That's pretty hardcore, but do you think she failed at eating the testicle because she realized that SHE WAS EATING A TESTICLE??? That's my theory. Finally, this begs for a band to name themselves Detachable Balls. or Nuts On the Loose. or ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Testicles. I'm gonna go throw up now.

The Potential Power of Oregano: While being sick for almost three weeks, my Mom did a lot of research online once all the obvious solutions failed. I was taking these Good Immune System pills which smelled and tasted ike garlic, black olives, and chemicals, and needed something else. What did she find? OREGANO! Apparently, wild oregano has incredibly potent healing potential. The oil in wild oregano was used in lab tests with various bacteria and viruses, and within 20 minutes, most of the bacteria and viruses were dead (though due to the oregano oil or boredom is unclear-- I also don't know if bacteria and viruses simply die after 15 minutes in a pietri dish). Wild Oregano is far more potent than commercial oregano (they'd have me believe), and so I spotted up the thirty bucks for a bottle of OregaMax (of the Oreganol) family, and started taking them. They call for 2...OR MORE (shrug, whatever you feel like) per day, and unlike the "Toppings HodgePodge" of the Immune Health pills, these smell exactly like pizza and are DELICIOUS! So I've been taking them, and now I am "healthy." Oregano. Who knew. Or who knows....if it's even effective at all....


Anonymous said...

Ummm, how can you say "I'm not a violent person" when you rip off someone's balls and try to eat them? I mean the removing of said balls could have merely been an accident (let's pray) but the act of trying to eat one is pretty deliberate, and in my opinion, violent. But that's just me, maybe I'm a softy, maybe I need to toughen up, let's ask my boyfriend....he says no, I am not a softy and if I ever rip off his balls and try to eat them it's over, also it's over if I just rip them off, he's a hard ass that way.

Witz said...

I think maybe it's like hitting a deer and then bringing home the meat for food. You didn't mean to hit the deer, but now that it's dead and on the hood of your car, well, you might as well not let it go to waste. Though even in that situation, I don't think you'd eat the deer's buck's balls....I think maybe it's like hitting a buck.....

Cindy Bean said...

Thank you for bringing the balls story to my attention.

IrishGal said...

Ick, soy milk. Ironically enough, one of the reasons that some people drink that stuff--namely, lactose intolerance--is similar to the reason I DON'T drink that stuff. Gives me tummyaches.

Even more disturbing is the fact that the soy milk grossed me out more than the testicle story. I think it's because I work with Kate K. and she says "balls" all the time. I'm totally immune.

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