Witz DOESN'T Pick: Running In Place (Not A Metaphor)

They say some things get easier with age. Childhood drama, homesickness, the ability to purchase alcohol...-- but this is certainly not the case with running in place. When I was little, running in place was one of the worst things I remember having to do. You look goofy, you don't feel like you're getting any results from your efforts, and it's also harder than it looks. And yet every year in gym class in elementary school, they made us run in place all lined up so we could see each other. Maybe some people enjoyed running in place because they weren't good at running places, but I haven't met them yet.

So the other day, I had too much energy after being sick for the last week and knew I had to do something to burn off some energy and get my blood flowing a little-- maybe jump start my immune system with some movement. I did a few quick pushups, but that wasn't enough. I lifted some free weights, but again, not enough overall movement. So what did i decide to do? I busted out RUNNING IN PLACE. I got my light jog on in front of the tv and then took the party to the bathroom to see what I actually looked like. Lemme tell you something-- RUNNING IN PLACE has not gotten any easier nor any more attractive with age. In fact, I have only gotten worse at it and look all the more goofy for that fact.

And why should I be surprised? I mean, if I wasn't good at running in place in sixth grade, why would I be any better at it fourteen years later?? Why would I look any less goofy, as I stumble over my own feet, not knowing whether to kick my feet out forward or sideways or backwards, the arm movement the only real decent looking part of the picture. I mean, the body was not meant to run in place. The purpose of the movements in running or jogging or walking are to PROPEL ONE FORWARD. Running in place is counter-intuitive and anti-homosapien. I bet it might even be un-American. Progress-- moving forward-- that's America's way. Do you know why there's no such thing as "walking in place?" Because it is virtually impossible to do. Try it. I dare you. Stand up and walk in place-- nono, don't worry about open spaces, you shouldn't be going anywhere-- just, you know, walk in place. Try and mimic your WALKING movements without actually leaving one space and entering another. Just try it. Lemme know when that works out for ya.

You want to know the number one piece of proof I have that running, jogging, or walking in place is not meant to be and that people around the world despise is? Treadmills. Yeah, treadmills. If people were so keen on maintaining their own pace in one spot, why would so many people demand a machine to move the earth below them? Why would anybody need the rest of the land to move below them so they could remain in one place while running or jogging or walking? That shit's rhetorical. That's how strong my case is.

Settling for what you get in life might improve with age. Deciding to have kids instead of pursuing your own dreams might become a reality. Learning to put others before yourself and sacrificing might become something you do more of. But running in place will not get any easier with age. And you won't look any better doing it. Trust me.

Goofy + Stationary = High Comedy,
Witz