Thursday, April 24, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: My Body Imitating Art

You know how they say sometimes Life imitates Art? Well, recently, that has been very true regarding my body, and it's happening in a number of ways.

Super Villain:
There is a pretty good chance that I'm turning into a super villain, like from X-Men or Superman or Unbreakable (nobody saw that coming). As of fairly recently, I have started growing more and more white/gray hairs. At first, I didn't notice, but then my girlfriend, friends, and co-workers all began to notice. They're primarily on the sides of my head, like two white stripes running down the side. That's definitely a Super Villain pattern.

I mean, on the one hand, this seems like a bad thing (I'd look more ridiculous), but on the other hand, maybe this is the solution to my problems. I mean, instead of wondering or worrying about my career in entertainment, I'd say, "I wonder what I should do now-- oh, super villain, there I go." That would be a lot less stressful. Plus, clearly defined goals would emerge I imagine. Not, "write a blog with tons of random comedic tidbits," but more like, "Kill the Scitrons." The Scitrons are my theoretical enemy that I made up just then on the spot because I don't actually have any clearly defined enemy as I am now, besides possibly my own immune system and the looming threat of grotesque obesity-- but those are less tangible. In my mind, I imagine the Scitrons look quiiiiite a bit like the Neutrinos from the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and might even bring up some long dormant copyright infringement issues if people were to see us battling and make action figures out of those involved.

I would also potentially gain some sort of power or, more likely, a technological device, that would be useful in villainry. Right now, the coolest technological device I own is a bottle opener that announces a Red Sox grand slam when I open a bottle. It's cool the first time you use it, but it starts to wear on you by the 4th or 5th time. "How come every time I hit a grand slam, I start to feel fatter and closer to vomiting?" So some sort of ray gun or jumping/flying boots or even a solid pair of UV protection goggles would be nice. Then again, super villains seem to be very busy with the evil and I'm not sure that's for me. On a Friday night, I'd probably wanna flop out and watch Into the Wild or Someone to Eat Cheese With, but instead I'd have to put on my goggles and boots, grab my ray gun and go rob a bank, only to be confronted by those damn Scitrons, and that sounds like a royal pain in my ass.

Harry Caray:
I have dressed up as former Chicago Cubs announcer, Harry Caray, twice in my life, each for a one act play. I sprayed my hair white, rocked some glasses, and did my finest impression. Well, what if now my body is starting to compensate in preparation for anothe performance? My scruff is starting to have gray hairs now, which means a possible all around transition. While I enjoy the idea, I don't have any need to look like Harry Caray on a regular basis. At the same time, whenever I shave with shaving cream, I look at the white mustache and beard in the mirror and think, "When I get old and my hair turns white, I'm gonna grow me a Sam Elliott Mustache like in The Big Lebowski." So maybe that would be possible, albeit, a little early.

MLB 08: The Show -- Center Fielder:
This is the best example of my body imitating art. I bought MLB: 08 The Show for PS3 when it came out because I'm a huge fan of baseball and video game baseball is probably the one game I can say I've consistently played for every system I've owned (going back to the original Hardball for PC when I was like 8-- Harball 5 still might be the best baseball game of all time). This game happens to have a feature called, "Road to the Show" where you make a custom player and start in AA and work your way to the top or to retirement. Yes, it's pretty cool. So, like most of us, when I created a player, I made them look like me, play like me, and have the same attributes as me, you know, assuming that I was capable of playing Major League Baseball. With all these new systems, be it PS3 or Xbox 360 or the Wii, the human construction tools are extremely detailed and specific. This time around, I didn't take too much time, though, and made my character look a lot like me in some ways, but generally not at all like me.

Cut to Monday. I look in the mirror and start to notice that I'm looking a lot more like my baseball player than I did when I made him. My haircut makes my hair look more like him, and my facial hair is longer, but blockier so that I look more similar. In fact, my entire head seems a little more blocky and squished, making me look tremendously like my player! My jawline is even changing as far as I can tell. I'll let you know more after I've hit up the batting cages, but I'm pretttty sure I'm about ready to try out for AA ball or AT LEAST rookie league. If 25 year old MLB 08 Witz can do it (who the announcers call "Wiz" because I selected that nickname thinking it would sound similar-- it doesn't), then certainly Real Life Witz can do it. Right? Or is that the kind of thinking that makes kids shoot each other after playing GTA? Either way, I'm anxious to see how it all turns out.

Pawtucket Red Sox Video Game Center Fielder (Although I Can Sometimes Play 3B),


momula said...

Projecting a day or so into the future, it looks like your natural enemies are dermatologists.

Witz said...

Momula-- that might be the most well thought out, perfectly implemented logical comment on the site! You're absolutely right.