Monday, April 21, 2008

Witz Pickz: The Monday Melange

I used to think that the word "melange" meant, "ruining food by adding cauliflower or peaches to it" i.e. Vegetable Melange or Jell-O Melange. After consulting the online dictionary, however, I found out it just means "a mixture!" So here you go, a Monday Melange:

Nature's Valley Sweet & Salty Nut Granola Bar: I realized I haven't picked food in a while-- ever since I realized I picked a lot of food and it kinda made me sound like a fatty. Luckily, I bought these little faux candy bars and I'm pleased to say they aren't horrible. Packed with almonds, peanuts, granola, sugary, caramel-like icing, and topped with a little saltiness, it's the perfect combination of sweet and salty and kinda does the trick. Especially if you eat five of them. Now let's get to the good part: they're called the SWEET AND SALTY NUT BAR!

"What do you call five post-competition athletes lined up on Valentine's Day?"

Yeah. That just happened. Anyway, this is the second best nut product since I saw Uncle Jesse's Roasted Nuts in a deli in Brooklyn and immediately went home to google, "John Stamos."

Eating Right Cheese Ravioli: On the opposite side of the spectrum is Eating Right's Cheese Ravioli. It's not that they don't taste good, it's that, like the nut bar, the portions are absurd. Never in my life have I thought, "This ravioli is so good I could eat SIX of them!" It's more like, "This ravioli is either good or decent, or mediocre at best, and I could eat FIFTEEN TO THIRTY OF THEM." We're not talkin' jumbo ravioli here-- we're talking regular, perhaps undersized ravioli. When I finished eating my six ravioli (raviolis? Are they like "moose?"), I looked at my plate and seriously thought for the first time in my life, "Maybe I'll drink the sauce." HUNGRY.

Then there was the physical appearance. When I first took the dish out of the microwave, the ravioli looked like it grew up by Chernobyl. Like, it chose the wrong date to time travel back to Nagasaki. Like it advised Robert The Bruce to betray Braveheart. This was mildly decreased by mixing it with the sauce, but it still left an impression on my mind that concerned me. I think ultimately, it comes down to the fact that "Eating Right" really means, "Eating Little." And that's not how I roll. That sounded fat, didn't it?

Holy crap! Babel was TERRIBLE! I even went into the movie saying, "Everyone who saw this said it was terrible" and it was STILL TERRIBLE! It wasn't poorly shot, or poorly directed, or poorly acted, or anything like that-- it was simply entirely extraneous. It was like Crash, but without the parts that gave it a point. The previews led me to believe that the themes of the film were language and culture and how there are so many differen languages and cultures and they don't relate or interract or blend together-- how we are a whole mess of people on this planet trying to live together, or something like that. But that wasn't the case at all. Language was certainly present, but it wasn't a problem. In the previews, Brad Pitt was heard shouting, "Doesn't anybody here speak English?!" and in the film, the answer is, "Yes! Most of us do! What can we help you with?" Language is rarely an obstacle. Even the deaf mute girl in Japan has deaf mute friends that she can talk to, and a pad that she can write on which people easily read. She doesn't do a great job of expressing herself and being accepted, but that's not really because of language, and her Mom killed herself, so there's a lot goin' on there. Culturally, the only REAL conflict comes from the Mexican/US border and immigration laws. It shows a lot of people being assholes, but it mostly just shows one example of an underlying social/cultural/political issue. Oh, and maybe don't let your insane and drunken nephew drive you and your white, out-of-country without parents permission children you nanny for, over the border at like 2am. Just a thought.

In the end, I had no idea why the movie needed to made, and while I see how it could have tricked a lot of people into thinking it was a good film, I strongly believe I can back up my argument of it's lack of necessity with a few witty quips and cursory thematic examination.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall:
I couldn't think of anything else to do with a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so the gal and I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. As she said, "I didn't see you laugh for the first 3/4 of the movie and I got worried," but there were some key moments and jokes that hit hard and left me laughing for a while. I'm a big Jason Segel fan from the Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, and Slackers days, even though I still spell his name either S-E-G-U-L or S-E-G-A-L most of the time. So I was happy to support his efforts. Plus, who can pass up a bit part by Jonah Hill? Or Paul Rudd for that matter? In fact, this movie was packed with television "stars" playing tiny roles that screamed, "I got hooked up by my friend." The creepy looking guy from SNL was in it, Kristen Bell played Sarah Marshall, the girl who I hated, but now don't hate from That 70's Show is in it, along with Russell Brand as her new boyfriend. Kenneth, from 30 Rock, is on his honeymoon. The list goes on...and even includes a Baldwin brother. So while it wasn't the funniest movie out there, it had some saturday afternoon laughs, and I felt good about seeing it. Even with all the penis shots. Of which there were many.

Don't like it. Don't wanna like it. Not even sure it's really a food. Why are you so certain it is?

I like peaches by themselves, but people insist on putting them in my cottage cheese, yogurt, and jello. Like, if I had a plate with peaches and a bowl with cottage cheese, yogurt, or jello, some wise ass walking by would stop, take the peach, and drop it into my bowl, as if he just performed a magic trick that would change my life. Awful.

Consider Yourself Melanged,

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