Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Witz Pickz: Hilarious Sex Dice (aka Witz Makes it Awkward)

Oh I'm goin' there. For years now, I've been staring at these novelty sex dice that were given as a joke birthday present to Witz Gal. They've followed us on two moves, almost getting thrown out both times, only to make the cut because they're just too damn amusing to get rid of without sharing the amazingness. In fact, right at this moment, they are on their way towards their third move. I stared at them for about five straight minutes, trying to decide if this time was the time to get rid of them, then began giggling profusely and decided to pack them. Which means that right now, the novelty sex dice are buried in my "sports equipment box" which is packed in the shed of one of my supervisors-- just sitting there, waiting to be awkwardly discovered. She's PROBABLY learning about this right now. Might as well bring the awkward to her instead of the other way around. Besides, the time has come to tell the world-- and thanks to a little digital camera magic, I can do just that.

These dice don't even need to be remarked upon for the funny-- instead, think of me more as a conduit-- like wire for electricity, or Tyler Perry for horrible entertainment. I call them NOVELTY sex dice not because they're intentionally jokey, but because they are oversized and soft like pillows. They look like something you'd win at the claw game at a carnival-- if anyone ever won anything at the claw game. How do they work, you wonder? On one die, there is an action. On the other, a body part. Unfortunately, there are only 6 sides on a die and really only a few acceptable body parts and actions you can write on them while still being able to display them in stores. What I mean is that while it would be POSSIBLE to print "Stick a gerbil" as an action and "someplace ill advised" as the body part, that's not gonna sell as a jokey teen gift and whoever buys it might face immediate felony charges.

Instead, the novelty dice limit themselves to vagaries and general regions. Thankfully, this means the options are incredible. In fact, there are three types of funny that these dice produce. The first, of course, is the Not Quite Right combinations-- and the ones that just don't seem like a good time for the other person. My favorite of these is:

Somewhat aggressive to begin with, the "Blow Above Waist" option is vague and confusing. It sounds like you're being held prisoner by two southern rednecks Deliverance style, and they are trying unsuccessfully to make you do sexual things to each other.

"Now blow him above the waist!"
"DO IT!"
"What does that even mean--"
"DO IT!"
"Al- alright, lemme just...(blowing on stomach)"
"Oh god, that tickles, hee-hee, stop, stop..."
"Now you blow her above the waist."
"I'm sorry, blow her?"
"Yip. Blow 'er."

Aaaaand scene. Runner up in this category is "blow lips."

The second kind of funny is the Mystery Locale.

The mystery spot represents all of the mystery and magic that the world holds. It makes us say, "What will they choose to suck??" It reminds us that the world has limitless options and freedoms. It also encompasses all of the thoughts and ideas that the dice people couldn't actually print on the dice....and let's be honest, it probably most directly translates to "anus."

The final type of funny (if I must limit it to three types), and possibly my favorite is the super, awkwardly blunt combinations. Such as:


The opposite of the mystery spot, the blunt awkward declaration states all too clearly what it is you should do. There's still the male/female not quite rightness, and it mixes in some of that Deliverance thing again, but it's in a class all its own. I can't imagine them actually being exciting in any way, but more like an insight into how Cavemen and Cavewomen mixed things up in the bedroom-- er-- cave. Like they figured out 3 combinations that worked for 'em and decided to write them down on "Old School Wheels" aka cubes. It just proves that it'd be nearly impossible to take the dice seriously. How can you not burst out laughing when the dice tell you to "blow ?"?

"Are you blowing on my elbow?"
"That's right, baby."
"You got the question mark again, didn't you?"
"Uh-huh-- maybe creativity isn't your thing...why are you laughing?"
"You'll see."
"Are you licking my scalp?!"
"thath's wight, waby."
"No more question marks for you. Yeah, you think it's funny. Too bad they don't have dice that berate you and make you feel sexually inadequate. Oh look, you rolled 'Make it' and 'bigger.' What's that one? 'Hurry up' and 'finish?'"
(That was like a joke within a joke within a joke. I'm getting good at this.)

Wow. Here we are, time to go our separate ways again. It's like a great comedic weight is off my shoulders. I also feel like we're all a little closer now-- like a great big family...but like a great big family that discusses and laughs at sex dice like a creepy family.

"Read Below the Waist,"

P.S. While moving this weekend, we were lucky enough to get this stellar photo. FYI, if you're ever moving a bench press bench and a memory foam mattress box at the same time, you're one digital camera away from a great phallic photo opportunity.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

More stuff on Witz~!