Monday, August 18, 2008

Witz Pickz: Monday Melange III

I think I'd be ok if I never heard anyone say, "I HATE Mondays!" ever again. In fact, I'm sure of it. And it's not because I'm not big on complaining-- case and point right here-- it's that EVERYBODY HATES MONDAYS! Whenever I hear someone say, "I hate Mondays," it always sounds like they are personally affronted by Mondays, and that the rest of us couldn't possibly comprehend. Inevitably, whoever they are talking to says, "Me too," as if to prove that they're in on the horror as well. It reminds me of conversations that went like this when I was in elementary school:

YOUNG WITZ: Yeah, definitely! (read: No, I will never see that movie)
FRIEND: It was awesome!
YOUNG WITZ: Yeah, it was! (read: But, I still want to be friends)
FRIEND: What was your favorite part?
YOUNG WITZ: Oh man-- uh-- I dunno, what was yours? (read: Shit shit shit)
FRIEND: Probably when the dude pops up from the pit and just rips the guy's face off.
YOUNG WITZ: Oh, yeah! Me too! (read: I still want to be friends, but now you kinda freak me out a bit)

No matter how good your job is, nobody is a fan of going from doing nothing, staying up late, and waking up late to suddenly waking up early and having to focus for 8+ hours a day. We're all aware of this.

GPS Devices:
Whenever I'm being guided by a GPS device, I always assume that the Female Computer Voice is leading me to a back alley where her buddies are waiting to rob me. Either to my credit or stupidity, I still follow the directions, making me either extremely brave or horrifically idiotic. It just always seems easier to say, "If being led to my doom by a GPS voice is my destiny-- so be it," than to explain to my passengers that I cannot follow the directions because I don't entirely trust the motives of the device. It doesn't instill confidence.

What also doesn't instill confidence is the fact that whenever I ride in someone else's car with GPS, they never seem to have any idea where they are or how they got to or can return from, that point. All human navigation skills go out the window in favor of the digital map, meaning that if it were to break suddenly, we would be entirely lost. They also seem dramatically offended when I try and gauge where we are or how we can get somewhere. "Witz, we have the GPS-- it's ok!" I guess when you spend $200+ dollars for a map, you get a little defensive.

Thoughts and Happenings:

Chumbawumba is fucking prolific! They seemingly have 10+ albums and are a folk band. I guess they weren't kidding about the whole getting back up again thing.

On the train this morning, in a four seats facing each other setup, I sat diagonally from someone else and hoped my intimidation level would keep people out of the other two seats. One person ended up sitting opposite me and promptly moved after one stop. Then he got off the train entirely-- so consider him intimidated. One stop later, a small, unassuming asian man sat down in the same seat. He remained there until we all got off the train. I have no choice but to assume, therefore, that I am both greatly intimidating when I want to be AND that unobtrusive asian men feel safe when they are around me. Nobody sat in the seat next to me, so clearly my intimidation worked there. Also, I had a back pack on that seat.

It turns out the best way to get me to give you change is to be a 300 lb scary looking bald dude who stares at me with unblinking eyes in a Burger King right up until he asks me for coffee money. Under those circumstances, I will most certainly hand over my 56 cents in the hopes that you will stop looking at me like you just remembered I threw your puppy out of a skyscraper and laughed about it (I realize that simile is a little tough to identify with and needs some backstory-- I mean, why the hell were we both in a skyscraper? And why did you have your dog there? And if you WEREN'T there, why was your puppy there, and how the hell did you find out about it-- especially the part about me laughing?! Maybe before you stare me down, you should try and figure out if you aren't just having a little mental breakdown, and combining my face with the time your dog died as a child with scenes from The Dark Knight. Long story short, I don't even have access to a skyscraper and I never have).

"Generation Kill" is actually a very well done HBO miniseries about the war in Iraq, but I'm afraid that, like myself, most people are going to take away one major thing-- the language. It would definitely make my day more exciting in the office. I constantly want to tell people to "stay frosty" when they should be ready for action-- perhaps while addressing envelopes. People should "have my six" at all times and these goddamn "whiskey tango (white trash) motherfuckers" need to stop RSVP-ing after the response deadline. And I sure as shit wanna be "oscar mike" when I'm "on the move" at the end of the day. Especially today-- because I HATE Mondays...


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