Monday, August 04, 2008

Witz Pickz: Social Awkwardness (Again...and again...and again...)

I'm gonna go ahead and skip all the preamble about what I did this weekend and just go straight to: You are not going to BELIEVE what the Mongols are still up to!

Yup. The Mongols. While talking with a special forces army medic Saturday night, I learned that the Mongols a) still exist as a nation and culture and b) are still up to their old tricks. Apparently, despite my belief that the Mongols existed only in textbooks and the game Civilizations, The Mongols are part of our coalition over there, and apparently provide solid support that can't be said for some other nation's troops. "What do you mean by old tricks, Witz?" By old tricks, I of course mean brutal killing. Now pay attention, because here's something you're not gonna see on Generation Kill: While the medic's group was under attack by local militia and the US troops were taking cover and returning fire, The Mongols turned headlong into the attack and charged back at them. They then killed and began beheading their victims at which point the US troops stopped cheering and had to do a little, "WhoooOOOOOOOaaaaaahhhh THERE, boys! UNCOOL. VERY UNCOOL." NO RBVs FOR YOU!! They're like the drunken frat guys at a wine tasting. Someone needs to sit down, invite Mongolia to Burning Man, and get ready with a camera, because something AWESOME (slash probably tragic) would be about to happen. Freakin' Mongolia...

MAIL INVADER (note the pun):
Speaking of murderous invaders, I had to go attempt to pickup some mail from my old apartment the other day and due to a series of bad decisions, became VERY suspicious looking VERY quickly. First, I mistimed my car exit to converge with a current tenant, leading me to a "just slightly too far behind" door holding situation. Since I didn't have a key and she did, I had to hurry a little to try and catch up and ended up getting to the door right after it closed. That's the moment that you're supposed to shrug and reach for your keys-- only since I didn't have them, I just sorta stood there while the girl looked back through the glass and saw that I didn't have keys. I decided it'd be too weird to knock at that point, and the girl might think I was stalking her, so I flipped open my phone and proceeded to call my voicemail and act as though I was calling someone who lived in the building. Not surprisingly, nobody answered to let me in, and I was forced to make the "Where the hell is Tony!?" face, even though Tony didn't exist at all. I waited for someone ot come to the door coincidentally and let me in, but it didn't happen, and I started getting a mirgraine from my acting. This was the point I decided to WALK REPEATEDLY AROUND THE BUILDING in the hopes of timing my walk with a new entry.

This new plan didn't account for the fact that there was an asian woman apparently collecting dirt from a work site outside the building while her husband watched from a balcony. They clearly saw my actions and it was clearly becoming weird fast. It's important to note that a lot of the residents in the building are foreign and many speak little to no english. One time this was so much the case that a woman holding the elevator began speaking Cantonese to me, as if I had any idea what she was saying. I just optimistically assumed that she was saying, "Do you want to get on this elevator and go to your floor and I'll take the elevator when my husband finishes bringing in our stuff?" and so I kept repeating, "Yes." Anyway. When it was clear nobody else was showing up to help me out, the woman approached the door with her dirt and keys, I took the leap.

"Excuse me, I used to live here and need to check for old mail, would you mind letting me in?"
"Do you mind letting me in to check my mail? I don't have a key..."
"Mmmmmnnnnn, ok," she opened the door, then turned to me as we entered, saying, "But you no get me in trouble, right?!" Which really is roughly translated as, "I'm going to let you in, but don't murder anyone or steal anything, ok?" And that's a deal I can roll with. At the same time, it made me feel fairly better about moving out. I mean, you can't just ask an intruder not to intrude. They're not gonna tell you what they're up to. Was I supposed to say, "Ooph-- here's the thing. I totally see where you're coming from, but I've got some duct tape and pliers in my bag that aren't gonna maim themselves, know what I mean?"

We then parted ways after an elevator ride that even to me felt like her Last Seen Photograph, and I was at my old room. I knocked on the door, preparing to awkwardly explain how I used to live there and do they have my mail, but nobody is home. I knock again and wait. Nothing. I then take a look around before sticking my eye up against the peep hole to try and reverse see into the apartment. Empty. Fortunately, the same can't be said for the elevator that opened up just in time for four people to see me staring into the room while squeezed up against the door like a dog humping a leg. Fortunately, I stayed calm enough to inform them that, "My mail might be in there." That went over like a fat guy flying Southwest (if you're fat and have to buy two seats, how does that work when there's no assigned seating?? Is it implied? If somebody tries to sit next to you because they think the plane is full do you just say, "Oh no, no-- I'm fat!" or what? If someone DOES sit next to you do you get your money back? How many snacks are you rationed? Do you get two drinks? Is it like having an invisible friend, only instead of invisibility, your friend is actually just your own morbid obesity?? So many questions...). Assuming the authorities would be on their way shortly, I ran down the stairs and back out to my car, passing the asian woman digging dirt again and thanking her-- knowing as I did that she'd hear four people talking about the weird guy who they caught rubbing up on a door moments ago. Looks like I won't be getting any lost mail anytime soon.

That's How I Roll Now,

1 comment:

JKow said...

At least you didn't rely on your nonverbal communication skills. (See the "What the hell is going on, am I supposed to go on here or is he still using it," face and numerous other examples during the last 255 posts). We might be seeing you on the Today Show with your face blurred out... again.