Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Witz Pickz: Sneaky Accomplishments

When peeing at a urinal with an iPod in one hand, there is zero margin for error. Not peeing on yourself OR the iPod is a tight-wire act deserving of a documentary not unlike Man on Wire. I did this yesterday. Success like this is everywhere. A lot of the time, not hitting a biker is a really big accomplishment. A can of soup fell out of my cabinet, but I reflexively made a no-look catch to save it from hitting the ground. These are the every day accomplishments that go unnoticed, and I think it's about time we gave everyone some credit for the absurd successes that life allows for on a regular basis. Did you quit your job today? Me either. We're practically heroes.

Here are some sneaky accomplishments of readers-- post more of yours in the comments section and I will update them on this main page:

It Dave Burns When I Pee says:
Today for lunch I ordered a chicken-salad sandwich on a poppyseed bagel and managed to finish eating every single poppyseed that fell off because I paid 10 cents extra for them.

The Bruhniverse says:
Today I made bacon for myself. This is usually my wife's "job", but in a pinch the microwave is almost as good as her oven method. A microwave is to the common man, as the vibrator is to the common woman, devices of conveniences that one almost-but-not-quite finds fulfilling.

The Kapps Report:
Yesterday, I successfully ducked a crazy person stalker in Starbucks...

My Friend Formerly With A Pool:
Today I changed out of my work clothes, into my gym clothes, back out of my gym clothes into a towel, dried off and changed back into my work clothes all within a 3 foot radius of other co-workers without anyone seeing my equipment. Who says you never use the things you learn in middle school?

Euro-Witz (aka Witz Sis):
Today I climbed over a spikey fence to escape a french zoo...

MP Hammer:
Last Thanksgiving, I helped myself to a few too many cocktails before dinner. Upon sitting down for the meal, having ingested nothing other than mass quantities of liquid for much of the afternoon, I found that my body was in dire need of substance. I filled two plates with everything I could get my hands on, and ate like I have never eaten before. Unfortunately, the convergence of about three-quarters of a liter of Maker's Mark and three-quarters of a ton of turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing, resulted in catastrophe. Midway through my second massive serving of sweet potato casserole, the first wave of nausea hit me like a ton of bricks. Although I somehow managed to subdue the urge to empty my stomach all over the carefully constructed holiday centerpiece, I was soon slammed by several others. Desperately attempting to maintain a sliver of composure in front of my entire extended family, I quickly yet quietly excused myself from the table. As my vision began to blur, I stumbled through the hallways of my second cousin's fourth floor apartment in search of a bathroom... a garbage can... an out-of-the-way potted plant... anywhere that I could expel the tremendous amount of matter that was fighting its way up my esophagus. I quickly began to panic when I discovered that the apartment's sole bathroom was occupied. No other appropriate receptacle in sight, I realized that I had to reach back to my college days and do what I had done following almost every case race and double power hour in which I had ever participated. Locking the door of the guest bedroom behind me, I prepared my dignity and self-respect for what I was about to do. Opening the bedroom's window, I hung nearly my entire upper body out of the building and spewed about 4 pounds of liquor and Thanksgiving fare onto the sidewalk 40 feet below. After what seemed like an eternity, I completed the task at hand and returned to the dinner table. Although I'm sure everyone noticed my extremely bloodshot eyes, the telltale sign of a mid-meal purge, I was never asked why I suddenly left the table for 20 minutes. Hopefully, my parents just assumed I was bulimic.

Witz: Give me a sneaky accomplishment that you've had. Like something subtle, but impressive. Like how I peed at a urinal with an ipod in one hand without any disaster.
C-Murder: Wait what? A sneaky accomplishment? Does it have to be in the peeing arena?
Witz: Nope. Anything.
C-Murder: I can chug water really quickly. I make good meatball subs for a vegetarian...
Witz: Those are pretty good...
C-Murder: Oh wait. How about how I can FUCKING SPEAK CHINESE-- how about that??

That Was Kind of a Sneaky No-Post,

Sparks, Nevada must be the craaaaaziest town around (sorry Red Bullsville)! Nothin' but injuries, drunk driving, and sexual assault there. Also, and maybe I'm wrong, but isn't it possible that Sparks doesn't cause MORE of these negative occurrences, but, in fact, the people who choose to buy and drink a caffeinated alcoholic drink that tastes like sweet tarts and comes in a can that looks like a battery might ALREADY be more prone to drunk driving, injuries, or sexual assault? And explain how the last one works? "Welp, ordinarily, I'd be drunk on beer, call it a night, and pass out, but since I've had some caffeine, I'm gonna force myself on this passed out chick who wasn't smart enough to be drinking Sparks, too." The problem isn't people drinking Sparks-- it's NOT ENOUGH people drinking Sparks!

Yesterday, somebody told me that my post left it ambiguous as to whether or not I was pro-Sparks. To anyone who isn't sure, I defer to the 32 cans currently in my refrigerator-- every can a baby miracle (but hopefully never leading to the miracle of babies).

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