Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Witz Pickz: Back to Basics

I KNOW-- I haven't posted in a while. I haven't been shaming myself, I've had writer's block, and the stuff I've managed to write hasn't been good enough to subject you all to it. What I've been forgetting, however, is that I started this website (Alright, fine-- ahem, this blog) to comment on all the ridiculousness the world has to offer. So, instead of looking at myself and my lack of passing out on planes, using terrifying bathrooms, or being picked up by the police on my birthday, I once again turned to the world for material; and wouldn't you know it, but there's plenty to write about.

I've been watching March Madness and the only thing standing out more incredibly than Bill Raftery's commentary ("He has stroked it ADMIRABLY!") is the unfathomably bad commercials we see everytime a gawky white-kid wearing a t-shirt underneath his jersey hits a three pointer, causing whoever is playing Cornell, Butler, or Northern Iowa, to call a timeout.

I'm not even going to mention the UPS commercials, which have gotten to the point that even Corky from Life Goes On is saying they're retarded and Ricky Martin is calling them gay. Instead, let's talk about the Taco Bell Shrimp Blogger commercial that incredulously begins, "I'm a shrimp blogger..." That is SHOCKING. Allegedly, this guy travels around the world, eating shrimp and blogging about them? The only thing more unbelievable than that is, "When I heard Taco Bell had a new shrimp taco with six juicy shrimp, I just had to try one!" Such integrity! Such commitment to the product! You mean to tell me that this guy is in Australia, downing fresh prawn with the locals, but upon hearing that TACO BELL, which is essentially a bathroom with an impulse buy food counter attached, is selling shrimp tacos, he rushed back off to chain-store-fast-food civilization for a taste? I CALL BULLSHIT, SIR. The best part about this commercial is that the guy never says what he thinks of the product...probably because he's still stuck between the toilet and trash can, suffering that special "Chinese Finger Trap" kind of food poisoning.

This is less awful and more inexplicable: Verizon is using the old Big Red gum theme song to promote their 3G network. I don't understand what happened here. Was Big Red gum a huge cultural success and I just missed it? Was the song THAT well-received? Or did some Verizon exec decide that "Big Red" was the perfect nickname for their network and therefore, they had to go with the whole gum thing to make it work? And doesn't AT&T just have to come back with the "You My Boy, Blue!" ad campaign to totally destroy Verizon? I mean, they already have Luke Wilson alienating viewers everywhere, why not pick up the Old School footage?**

Garden Gnome:
A block from my apartment, in the glass window of a research laboratory, a garden gnome pushing an old school lawnmower stares menacingly out at the street. I say garden gnome, but it's not really a gnome. It's a tiny, bald, oddly proportioned, old man statue, pushing a bladed grass-cutter while staring at passersby with an enraged, threatening expression; so it's like if a garden gnome that had done some really heinous shit, went into the witness protection program, lost the hat and beard, and was attempting to lay low in a suburb of Lincoln, Nebraska. It's terrifying. And I wish I had a picture, I reallllly do, I guess I just thought I'd always have another chance to snap a photo, and never took one. See, there's only one thing more terrifying than the terrifying statue: the statue is GONE. GONESIES.

This means one thing: that the creepy thing came to life (as seen in Mannequin and Mannequin 2), and somewhere in the city, possibly in my neighborhood, potentially still on my block, probably in my apartment building and/or closet, the creepy statue is loose. It's like the Leprechaun movies, only scarier because it's not dressed like a goddamn leprechaun!* What's weird is that this thing scares me because it's old, wrinkly, and is a statue, whereas if I met an old, wrinkly midget, I'd probably try and get him to ride one of these Shar-Pei's.
That might be offensive, but it's also effing ADORABLE. You remember when medicine was still ridiculous enough to chalk deaths up to things like "old age," "a broken heart," and "grief?" Well, people would be dying of "too much adorableness." It'd be that adorable.

“More Sex in the Civil War”:Speaking of the olden days, I was flipping channels to avoid knifing my eyes out during basketball commercial breaks, and came upon this gem: "More Sex in the Civil War" with the description, "More salacious tales of soldiers and citizens." Sex? During the Civil War? Between soldiers and citizens? So...not to go all knee-jerk reaction joke on you all, but...that's like...rape, right? I mean, what other stories are making headlines? Was Rutherford B. Hayes bangin' dudes? Was Clara Barton throwin' around handies to wounded soldiers? Because otherwise, these stories are either about raping and pillaging or chronologically-old people getting safely laid. Obviously, I had to watch part of it and it turns out that MORE Sex in the Civil War (because the first was so good that the people demanded a sequel) is primarily about how "There's a war on" became the best pickup line around, causing massive STD epidemics, surges in prostitution, and everybody banging everybody. In short, the Civil War makes the '60's look like an episode of Full House.


Looks Like Runoff From the Sass Factory Has Gotten Into the Water Supply,

P.S. For those of you playing Witz Pickz Bingo at home, today's post included "retarded", "gay", "rape", "midget", a masturbation reference, and a nuanced food poisoning joke. There goes my corporate sponsorship from Walmart.

*Incidentally, do leprechauns and The Pilgrims shop at the same store? Were the pilgrims actually leprechauns or are the buckles just a coincidence? How can you be afraid of a leprechaun? I just don't think I could get past the outfit:

Leprechaun: I'm going to kill you now!
Witz: No, no, I get that, it's I get your pot of gold?

**I don't know anyone who has seen those Luke Wilson commercials and not said, "What a douchebag." I liked Luke Wilson, but after seeing his puffy, sag-faced smug mug on my tv every time I turn it on, I hope he goes all, well...OWEN Wilson.

1 comment:

c8 said...

My Fine Cooking magazines are arriving faster than your new posts....but since this one was hilarious, and happened to include reference to the shrimp taco commercial I find completely absurd, I will keep reading.

Thanks for the awkward laughing coming from my office!