Witz Pickz: Back to Basics

I KNOW-- I haven't posted in a while. I haven't been shaming myself, I've had writer's block, and the stuff I've managed to write hasn't been good enough to subject you all to it. What I've been forgetting, however, is that I started this website (Alright, fine-- ahem, this blog) to comment on all the ridiculousness the world has to offer. So, instead of looking at myself and my lack of passing out on planes, using terrifying bathrooms, or being picked up by the police on my birthday, I once again turned to the world for material; and wouldn't you know it, but there's plenty to write about.

Commercials:
I've been watching March Madness and the only thing standing out more incredibly than Bill Raftery's commentary ("He has stroked it ADMIRABLY!") is the unfathomably bad commercials we see everytime a gawky white-kid wearing a t-shirt underneath his jersey hits a three pointer, causing whoever is playing Cornell, Butler, or Northern Iowa, to call a timeout.

I'm not even going to mention the UPS commercials, which have gotten to the point that even Corky from Life Goes On is saying they're retarded and Ricky Martin is calling them gay. Instead, let's talk about the Taco Bell Shrimp Blogger commercial that incredulously begins, "I'm a shrimp blogger..." That is SHOCKING. Allegedly, this guy travels around the world, eating shrimp and blogging about them? The only thing more unbelievable than that is, "When I heard Taco Bell had a new shrimp taco with six juicy shrimp, I just had to try one!" Such integrity! Such commitment to the product! You mean to tell me that this guy is in Australia, downing fresh prawn with the locals, but upon hearing that TACO BELL, which is essentially a bathroom with an impulse buy food counter attached, is selling shrimp tacos, he rushed back off to chain-store-fast-food civilization for a taste? I CALL BULLSHIT, SIR. The best part about this commercial is that the guy never says what he thinks of the product...probably because he's still stuck between the toilet and trash can, suffering that special "Chinese Finger Trap" kind of food poisoning.

This is less awful and more inexplicable: Verizon is using the old Big Red gum theme song to promote their 3G network. I don't understand what happened here. Was Big Red gum a huge cultural success and I just missed it? Was the song THAT well-received? Or did some Verizon exec decide that "Big Red" was the perfect nickname for their network and therefore, they had to go with the whole gum thing to make it work? And doesn't AT&T just have to come back with the "You My Boy, Blue!" ad campaign to totally destroy Verizon? I mean, they already have Luke Wilson alienating viewers everywhere, why not pick up the Old School footage?**

Garden Gnome:
A block from my apartment, in the glass window of a research laboratory, a garden gnome pushing an old school lawnmower stares menacingly out at the street. I say garden gnome, but it's not really a gnome. It's a tiny, bald, oddly proportioned, old man statue, pushing a bladed grass-cutter while staring at passersby with an enraged, threatening expression; so it's like if a garden gnome that had done some really heinous shit, went into the witness protection program, lost the hat and beard, and was attempting to lay low in a suburb of Lincoln, Nebraska. It's terrifying. And I wish I had a picture, I reallllly do, I guess I just thought I'd always have another chance to snap a photo, and never took one. See, there's only one thing more terrifying than the terrifying statue: the statue is GONE. GONESIES.

This means one thing: that the creepy thing came to life (as seen in Mannequin and Mannequin 2), and somewhere in the city, possibly in my neighborhood, potentially still on my block, probably in my apartment building and/or closet, the creepy statue is loose. It's like the Leprechaun movies, only scarier because it's not dressed like a goddamn leprechaun!* What's weird is that this thing scares me because it's old, wrinkly, and is a statue, whereas if I met an old, wrinkly midget, I'd probably try and get him to ride one of these Shar-Pei's.
That might be offensive, but it's also effing ADORABLE. You remember when medicine was still ridiculous enough to chalk deaths up to things like "old age," "a broken heart," and "grief?" Well, people would be dying of "too much adorableness." It'd be that adorable.

“More Sex in the Civil War”:Speaking of the olden days, I was flipping channels to avoid knifing my eyes out during basketball commercial breaks, and came upon this gem: "More Sex in the Civil War" with the description, "More salacious tales of soldiers and citizens." Sex? During the Civil War? Between soldiers and citizens? So...not to go all knee-jerk reaction joke on you all, but...that's like...rape, right? I mean, what other stories are making headlines? Was Rutherford B. Hayes bangin' dudes? Was Clara Barton throwin' around handies to wounded soldiers? Because otherwise, these stories are either about raping and pillaging or chronologically-old people getting safely laid. Obviously, I had to watch part of it and it turns out that MORE Sex in the Civil War (because the first was so good that the people demanded a sequel) is primarily about how "There's a war on" became the best pickup line around, causing massive STD epidemics, surges in prostitution, and everybody banging everybody. In short, the Civil War makes the '60's look like an episode of Full House.

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......AND WHY CAN'T EVERYONE OVER SIX-FIVE MAKE A GODDAMN OPEN LAYUP???

Looks Like Runoff From the Sass Factory Has Gotten Into the Water Supply,
Witz

P.S. For those of you playing Witz Pickz Bingo at home, today's post included "retarded", "gay", "rape", "midget", a masturbation reference, and a nuanced food poisoning joke. There goes my corporate sponsorship from Walmart.




*Incidentally, do leprechauns and The Pilgrims shop at the same store? Were the pilgrims actually leprechauns or are the buckles just a coincidence? How can you be afraid of a leprechaun? I just don't think I could get past the outfit:

Leprechaun: I'm going to kill you now!
Witz: No, no, I get that, it's just...when...do I get your pot of gold?

**I don't know anyone who has seen those Luke Wilson commercials and not said, "What a douchebag." I liked Luke Wilson, but after seeing his puffy, sag-faced smug mug on my tv every time I turn it on, I hope he goes all, well...OWEN Wilson.

Witz Pickz: An Open Letter To NCAA Basketball Teams

Dear NCAA Basketball Teams,

I would first like to say "Hi" to the women's teams and wish you all luck in the tournament. Having said that, please ignore the rest of this letter, as it isn't really meant for you. And in case my new Mortal Enemy "Stuff White People Like" hasn't hit upon it yet, let me just say that the number one thing White Middle-Aged Men Like is "Women's College Basketball." Nothin' beats it.

Now that we got that out of the way, I wish to say a few things to the men's teams. Underdogs, congratulations, you should be very proud of yourselves for having achieved above and beyond what was expected of you. It shows not only strength of mind and spirit, but courage, to anger so many Americans who went so far as to place money they couldn't really afford to lose on your lack of success. Some of you I believed in. Kansas State, Western Kentucky, I read several short summary excerpts about you and dared to believe that you would come out the victors. Davidson, I thought you would take down Gonzaga and you did, but I think I speak for most people when I say that you weren't supposed to take down Georgetown. You made quite a few enemies with that one, and quite a few memories as well, I imagine. Which brings me to my next point: Stop-- it's time for you all to lose. It was a good run while it lasted, but like many people, I don't have you going to the Elite Eight or the Final Four, and I have at least twenty dollars at stake here. I'm not talking to you Louisville, you can go ahead and beat Tennessee, as we all felt the need to pick one or two higher ranked seeds to go further, but Davidson, West Virginia, are you really that unhappy with spring break? These are the memories we make today to have for tomorrow, and don't you want dancing half naked while Flo Ride plays in the background to be a part of that for you? Be fair to yourself and to us and go down without a fight. I don't think any of us can handle that kind of stress anymore. Oh-- and have fun out there.

North Carolina, I hate you with a passion unrelenting. Win. Win it all. You were number one for most if not all of the year, and your pretty boy, douchebag looking leader Tyler Hansbrough must now lead you to ultimate victory. Your lives will most likely be worse after this year, so make it last and win the championship.

Kansas, it's not that I don't believe in you, but I picked you in a separate bracket that has far less money at stake. I'd like for you to win, but times are tough right now and aside from the monetary gain that would be helpful to me if you lost in the Final Four, I would gain a lot of respect for winning my office pool. Sorry.

UCLA, don't tell Xavier, but I have you beating them in the next round. I don't really know how injured Love is, but I hope it's in between "Healthy enough to beat Xavier and Memphis, but injured enough to lose to UNC in the Championship." Speaking of which:

Memphis, as my parents implied for years to me, "You were a mistake." I'm not exactly sure why I don't have Texas beating you in the Elite Eight, but I can only assume that I kept switching back and forth and you were in the right place when time ran out and the first game started. So prove me wrong and make me proud...and then lose to UCLA in the Final Four.

Thank you all very much for this year's entertainment. Some of you I have rewarded with one round upsets. Others I have given slightly more credit. I have rewarded all of you number 1 seeds' hard work by having all four of you in my Final Four. I have recently come to learn that the four number one seeds have never all made the final four in the history of the NCAA tournament, but why should I worry about that. Somebody, somewhere must have thought you were worth it, and I believe in each and every one of you to varying degrees. It's time to make this March "Madness" a little more sane.

So good luck to everyone, and please take my thoughts and words into consideration when playing your upcoming games. Because that's all they are really, isn't it? Games? As long as you all have a good time, you're all winners. In NCAA bracket pools, there can be only one winner, and consequently, nobody ever has any fun. I'll leave it to you all to decide which is more important-- I know you'll make the right choice for everyone involved.

Fingers Crossed,
Witz