Sunday, September 19, 2010

Witz Flix: He's Just Not That Into You

A Brief Interview with Witz:

Question: Are you really watching He's Just Not That Into You?
Answer: You bet I am.

Question: But didn't you already see it in theaters?
Answer: How do you know that?? Nevermind. Yes, I did, but I blocked it out.

Question: Why would you subject yourself to it again?
Answer: Why? Because I'm that dedicated. Because where there are bad films, there must be Witz. Because Netflix needs its true hero. Everyone knows I'm Netflix's White Knight. Netflix needs a hero with a face--

Question: --Did you just start shoe-horning The Dark Knight quotes into your answer?
Answer: I did, yes.

Question: So...what's the real answer?
Answer: ...The girl I like asked me to.

Question: That makes more sense. One last question: Do you see any problem with the movie poster?
Answer: I do! Why do they italicize "not?" Shouldn't they italicize "that?" He's just not THAT into you. The point is that he's into you, just not THAT much. Not enough.

Question: How do you live with yourself?
Answer: Day by day.

And with that...

3 min: Yyyyick. Margene from Big Love (Gigi in this) is on a date with Eric from Entourage. This vignette should be called, "He's Just As Awful As You."

4 min: E doesn't care about Gigi, but wants to bang Scarlett Johannson...obviously. Since she's not interested in getting in bed with the Lucky Charms leprechaun, she's gonna end up sleeping with Bradley Cooper who she just met at the supermarket. This is a great time for me to ask this question: WHY do girls like Eric on Entourage and WHEN did everyone decide Bradley Cooper was funny? Whenever I ask girls the latter, I always get a response that boils down to a monosyllabic, "Abs."

6 min: This really is painful. Scarlett just won a cooler in the checkout line at a supermarket and gets super excited about it, saying "I've never won anything before! This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!" and hugs Bradley Cooper. I'm thinkin' that she wins something every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant.

7 min: Justin Long knows everything about girls. I knew those Mac commercials would pigeon-hole him as a smug son-of-a-bitch.

9 min: Ben Affleck's in this movie-- that guy ONLY makes good decisions. His character is dating Jennifer Aniston, but won’t marry her. He says it’s because he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw her in The Bounty Hunter.

12 min: Jennifer Connelly! Last time I saw her in a movie, she was in a very uncomfortable place-- and I don't mean the back of a Volkswagen.

16 min: Gigi is freaking out because Eric isn't calling her after the two of them had whatever the complete opposite of chemistry is on their first date.

17 min: I just realized that this movie is for girls, but is also about girls being dumb. The punch line to most of these jokes is, "Hahaha, us girls are STUPID."

20 min: "If a guy says he doesn't give a shit-- he really doesn't give a shit." Man...Justin Long got really jaded once Ed was canceled.

25 min: Enter Drew Barrymore. She looks like she’s been on at least 50 First Dates and is very upset about dating these days. Scarlett Johansson is asking her for advice, which is like a tank of gasoline asking which match looks safest to light.

27 min: Scarlett's rejected by married Bradley Cooper, so she flees back to Eric, who compliments her and then clings to her like she's his bafflingly overly-successful career when she hugs him.

("One of these things is not like the other one...")

32 min: It can't be good when you've been told one of the clichés that two sassy black women are talking about in He's Just Not That Into You as ways men breakup with women. And by “you” I mean, “me.”

33 min: Bradley Cooper's married to Jennifer Connelly, by the way. If they have a baby, it will be like a solar eclipse, where you can’t look directly at it, but instead will have to look through a hole in a piece of paper. That’s right—I think solar eclipses are TOO attractive to look at.

36 min: Oh man, this movie just dated itself (pun mildly intended): "My trampy little sister says Myspace is the new booty call." Let’s be honest though, who knew Facebook was gonna win that battle?* With Facebook at the top and Myspace in the dumps, where does that leave Friendster-- just blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?

38 min: First, I saw the "Domino Sugar" sign and now they said Baltimore. Why is this movie set in BALTIMORE? That’s everyone’s problem, right there. Move out of Baltimore! “I never meet any nice guys in Hamsterdam…”

45 min: Gigi met some guy at a happy hour, he asked for her card, she gave him hers, and now Justin Long is saying that the guy isn't into her, which is true, but I don't get it. Why did he ask for her card and give her his? Does he feel bad that he doesn't like her, but wants to enter her in a free lunch raffle to make up for it? Was he just so excited to have a business card that he wanted everyone to see?

46 min: If you ever wanna see Bradley Cooper's "rape face," go ahead and checkout minute 46, second 31 of this movie. Also, feel free to use "Rape Face" as the name of your next metal band.

48 min: Scarlett says, "Am I supposed to not be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile? Or an ass that makes me want to dry hump?" So much to discuss here: first of all, stop that; don't be a whore. Second, he LITERALLY has an insane smile. She smiled at him in a way that said, "I want to bang you," and he smiled in a way that said, "I bet I could fit your head in a hat box." Finally, I don't follow the ass and dry humping. Is she gonna hump HIS ass? Does she want to stand there while he backs that azz up against her? Or do good asses just make her want to rub up against jeans and zippers? I'm lost. Will this make sense to me when I'm older?

51 min: Things I'll never say to a girl I'm kissing: "Back atcha, sister."

53 min: Hahaha, alright, you know I give credit when credit is due:

Gigi: So what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't actually like me?
Justin Long: Uh, yeah.
Gigi: But there's not gonna be anyone left...

57 min: We're not even halfway done with this movie. Yowzah.

60 min: Justin Long is giving up all of guys' alleged dating secrets. Makes me wonder what happened to that masked magician on Fox a bunch of years back. From what I gather, the Magician’s Guild is like the Mafia, but are even better at making bodies disappear.

62 min: Luis Guzman is killin' it! I don't care if it's Old Dogs or this movie or John From Cincinnatti, the man does good work. He's like the Hispanic Seth Green.**

Jennifer Connelly: I can't have someone lying to me, to my face, under my roof, on my time.
Luis Guzman: ...That's a lot of prepositions...

68 min: "I am SO into you," Bradley Cooper tells Scarlett. Oh, so now we're emphasizing the right words? Save it for the sequel, Cooper. And WHEN are they gonna say the titular (he he he) line??

73 min: Ya know what's really bringing different ethnicities together? Cliché gay stereotypes. Drew Barrymore works with a gay black guy, a gay asian guy, and a gay white guy...and they're all the exact same painful stereotype.

74 min: All of the guys want Drew to check her voicemail at home, so they’re like, “phone home.” She’s doesn’t want to and is like, “Look, it’s not like I’ve Never Been Kissed…I mean, I’ve been Riding In Cars with Boys and, seriously, Everybody’s Fine, but Everyone Says I Love You and all the Best Men are taken, and, I dunno Home Fries, ever since Freddy Got Fingered I’m like, Lucky You, but I’ve been reaching a Fever Pitch with this love thing and maybe it’s just time I Whip It and leave Boys On the Side because I don’t know if any relationship I ever have is Going the Distance—sometimes it makes me wanna Scream, because let’s be honest, it’s getting to be some Grey Gardens down there and maybe these are just Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but it’s like, even with all this Wishful Thinking, Everybody Loves Whales, but nobody loves ME!”

76 min: Jennifer Connelly has aged well-- just like, she looks like she has her shit together. Anyway, Cooper tells her that he slept with Scarlett. She's pissed and hurt, but doesn't want to throw away the marriage.

80 min: Kris Kristofferson is a class act.

82 min: WTF!? Kris Kristofferson just collapsed with a heart attack! This is like when I pick someone I like on Top Chef and they're immediately kicked off the show!

87 min: Gigi thinks that Justin Long is giving her signals. She makes a move at the end of his party and he rejects her and is all, "I'm just not into you to the degree that you want me to be into you." WHEN ARE THEY GONNA SAY IT!?? The suspense is killing me!

88 min: She tells him that she'd rather be the way she is than the way he is: cold and far from love. He stands there stunned, looking like someone just told him how fucking expensive Macs are.

93 min: Scarlett and Bradley are gonna bone in his office. Is this the movie where Scarlett gives up the tots? I would remember if Scarlett got naked, right? Jennifer Connelly shows up and Scarlett hides in the closet. Now JENNIFER wants to bone in his office! I bet Saving The Marriage Sex is craaaazy. Scarlett leaves the closet like an abused puppy when it's over. No tots.

96 min: Justin Long realizes he's just that into Gigi. It's unclear if he realizes that his face looks like that of an animated horse.

101 min: Aniston is taking care of a house of awful men (House of Awful Men should be a show on E!). Ben Affleck shows up and washes dishes to win her back. Man…she must really be special to go to such lengths….

105 min: J-Con finds Bradley Cooper's pack of cigarettes that he swore he didn't smoke anymore. She finally loses her shit and throws him and his stuff out of the house.

110 min: Wow, Eric's out of his G-D mind. Scarlett just limped back into his life because things didn't work out with Cooper, and the next day, he shows her a house he wants to buy in the hopes that she may someday soon move in with him and have it be theirs. Ya know what he should have bought instead of a house? A personality. Writers keep forgetting to make him remotely likeable.

113 min: Gigi just went on a date with Justin Long's Friend, a dude who looks like a third-string Kyle McLachlan, so...yeesh. He drops her off at her apartment and then there’s another knock on the door— BUT it’s Justin Long. Classic misdirection, movie. But wouldn't Justin Long and his friend have passed each other in the hallway? Was that not weird?

115 min: Justin Long and Gigi kiss. Blam! Affleck proposes to Aniston. Pow! The moral of the story? Keep being stupid, it might work out. Or is it that Justin Long is full of shit? Nope, it's never ever ever watch He's Just Not That Into You. SPEAKING OF WHICH, they never said it! I was waiting the whole damn movie for someone to say, "Look-- he's just not that into you!" at which point I was ready to jump up and break into applause like all those USA World Cup goal vs. Algeria reaction videos.

".............He's just not that into you..."

...I Mean, He Might Be, What the Hell Do I Know?,

*I'm legitimately excited to see The Social Network. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by David Fincher, and music by Trent Reznor? Sold.

**I am absolutely positive nobody has ever said that before and nobody ever will again.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Wait... what's wrong with blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?