Witz Flix: He's Just Not That Into You

A Brief Interview with Witz:

Question: Are you really watching He's Just Not That Into You?
Answer: You bet I am.

Question: But didn't you already see it in theaters?
Answer: How do you know that?? Nevermind. Yes, I did, but I blocked it out.

Question: Why would you subject yourself to it again?
Answer: Why? Because I'm that dedicated. Because where there are bad films, there must be Witz. Because Netflix needs its true hero. Everyone knows I'm Netflix's White Knight. Netflix needs a hero with a face--

Question: --Did you just start shoe-horning The Dark Knight quotes into your answer?
Answer: I did, yes.

Question: So...what's the real answer?
Answer: ...The girl I like asked me to.

Question: That makes more sense. One last question: Do you see any problem with the movie poster?
Answer: I do! Why do they italicize "not?" Shouldn't they italicize "that?" He's just not THAT into you. The point is that he's into you, just not THAT much. Not enough.

Question: How do you live with yourself?
Answer: Day by day.

And with that...

3 min: Yyyyick. Margene from Big Love (Gigi in this) is on a date with Eric from Entourage. This vignette should be called, "He's Just As Awful As You."

4 min: E doesn't care about Gigi, but wants to bang Scarlett Johannson...obviously. Since she's not interested in getting in bed with the Lucky Charms leprechaun, she's gonna end up sleeping with Bradley Cooper who she just met at the supermarket. This is a great time for me to ask this question: WHY do girls like Eric on Entourage and WHEN did everyone decide Bradley Cooper was funny? Whenever I ask girls the latter, I always get a response that boils down to a monosyllabic, "Abs."

6 min: This really is painful. Scarlett just won a cooler in the checkout line at a supermarket and gets super excited about it, saying "I've never won anything before! This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!" and hugs Bradley Cooper. I'm thinkin' that she wins something every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant.



7 min: Justin Long knows everything about girls. I knew those Mac commercials would pigeon-hole him as a smug son-of-a-bitch.

9 min: Ben Affleck's in this movie-- that guy ONLY makes good decisions. His character is dating Jennifer Aniston, but won’t marry her. He says it’s because he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw her in The Bounty Hunter.

12 min: Jennifer Connelly! Last time I saw her in a movie, she was in a very uncomfortable place-- and I don't mean the back of a Volkswagen.



16 min: Gigi is freaking out because Eric isn't calling her after the two of them had whatever the complete opposite of chemistry is on their first date.

17 min: I just realized that this movie is for girls, but is also about girls being dumb. The punch line to most of these jokes is, "Hahaha, us girls are STUPID."

20 min: "If a guy says he doesn't give a shit-- he really doesn't give a shit." Man...Justin Long got really jaded once Ed was canceled.

25 min: Enter Drew Barrymore. She looks like she’s been on at least 50 First Dates and is very upset about dating these days. Scarlett Johansson is asking her for advice, which is like a tank of gasoline asking which match looks safest to light.

27 min: Scarlett's rejected by married Bradley Cooper, so she flees back to Eric, who compliments her and then clings to her like she's his bafflingly overly-successful career when she hugs him.


("One of these things is not like the other one...")

32 min: It can't be good when you've been told one of the clichés that two sassy black women are talking about in He's Just Not That Into You as ways men breakup with women. And by “you” I mean, “me.”

33 min: Bradley Cooper's married to Jennifer Connelly, by the way. If they have a baby, it will be like a solar eclipse, where you can’t look directly at it, but instead will have to look through a hole in a piece of paper. That’s right—I think solar eclipses are TOO attractive to look at.

36 min: Oh man, this movie just dated itself (pun mildly intended): "My trampy little sister says Myspace is the new booty call." Let’s be honest though, who knew Facebook was gonna win that battle?* With Facebook at the top and Myspace in the dumps, where does that leave Friendster-- just blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?

38 min: First, I saw the "Domino Sugar" sign and now they said Baltimore. Why is this movie set in BALTIMORE? That’s everyone’s problem, right there. Move out of Baltimore! “I never meet any nice guys in Hamsterdam…”



45 min: Gigi met some guy at a happy hour, he asked for her card, she gave him hers, and now Justin Long is saying that the guy isn't into her, which is true, but I don't get it. Why did he ask for her card and give her his? Does he feel bad that he doesn't like her, but wants to enter her in a free lunch raffle to make up for it? Was he just so excited to have a business card that he wanted everyone to see?

46 min: If you ever wanna see Bradley Cooper's "rape face," go ahead and checkout minute 46, second 31 of this movie. Also, feel free to use "Rape Face" as the name of your next metal band.



48 min: Scarlett says, "Am I supposed to not be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile? Or an ass that makes me want to dry hump?" So much to discuss here: first of all, stop that; don't be a whore. Second, he LITERALLY has an insane smile. She smiled at him in a way that said, "I want to bang you," and he smiled in a way that said, "I bet I could fit your head in a hat box." Finally, I don't follow the ass and dry humping. Is she gonna hump HIS ass? Does she want to stand there while he backs that azz up against her? Or do good asses just make her want to rub up against jeans and zippers? I'm lost. Will this make sense to me when I'm older?

51 min: Things I'll never say to a girl I'm kissing: "Back atcha, sister."

53 min: Hahaha, alright, you know I give credit when credit is due:

Gigi: So what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't actually like me?
Justin Long: Uh, yeah.
Gigi: But there's not gonna be anyone left...



57 min: We're not even halfway done with this movie. Yowzah.

60 min: Justin Long is giving up all of guys' alleged dating secrets. Makes me wonder what happened to that masked magician on Fox a bunch of years back. From what I gather, the Magician’s Guild is like the Mafia, but are even better at making bodies disappear.

62 min: Luis Guzman is killin' it! I don't care if it's Old Dogs or this movie or John From Cincinnatti, the man does good work. He's like the Hispanic Seth Green.**

Jennifer Connelly: I can't have someone lying to me, to my face, under my roof, on my time.
Luis Guzman: ...That's a lot of prepositions...

68 min: "I am SO into you," Bradley Cooper tells Scarlett. Oh, so now we're emphasizing the right words? Save it for the sequel, Cooper. And WHEN are they gonna say the titular (he he he) line??

73 min: Ya know what's really bringing different ethnicities together? Cliché gay stereotypes. Drew Barrymore works with a gay black guy, a gay asian guy, and a gay white guy...and they're all the exact same painful stereotype.



74 min: All of the guys want Drew to check her voicemail at home, so they’re like, “phone home.” She’s doesn’t want to and is like, “Look, it’s not like I’ve Never Been Kissed…I mean, I’ve been Riding In Cars with Boys and, seriously, Everybody’s Fine, but Everyone Says I Love You and all the Best Men are taken, and, I dunno Home Fries, ever since Freddy Got Fingered I’m like, Lucky You, but I’ve been reaching a Fever Pitch with this love thing and maybe it’s just time I Whip It and leave Boys On the Side because I don’t know if any relationship I ever have is Going the Distance—sometimes it makes me wanna Scream, because let’s be honest, it’s getting to be some Grey Gardens down there and maybe these are just Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but it’s like, even with all this Wishful Thinking, Everybody Loves Whales, but nobody loves ME!”

76 min: Jennifer Connelly has aged well-- just like, she looks like she has her shit together. Anyway, Cooper tells her that he slept with Scarlett. She's pissed and hurt, but doesn't want to throw away the marriage.

80 min: Kris Kristofferson is a class act.

82 min: WTF!? Kris Kristofferson just collapsed with a heart attack! This is like when I pick someone I like on Top Chef and they're immediately kicked off the show!

87 min: Gigi thinks that Justin Long is giving her signals. She makes a move at the end of his party and he rejects her and is all, "I'm just not into you to the degree that you want me to be into you." WHEN ARE THEY GONNA SAY IT!?? The suspense is killing me!

88 min: She tells him that she'd rather be the way she is than the way he is: cold and far from love. He stands there stunned, looking like someone just told him how fucking expensive Macs are.

93 min: Scarlett and Bradley are gonna bone in his office. Is this the movie where Scarlett gives up the tots? I would remember if Scarlett got naked, right? Jennifer Connelly shows up and Scarlett hides in the closet. Now JENNIFER wants to bone in his office! I bet Saving The Marriage Sex is craaaazy. Scarlett leaves the closet like an abused puppy when it's over. No tots.



96 min: Justin Long realizes he's just that into Gigi. It's unclear if he realizes that his face looks like that of an animated horse.




101 min: Aniston is taking care of a house of awful men (House of Awful Men should be a show on E!). Ben Affleck shows up and washes dishes to win her back. Man…she must really be special to go to such lengths….

105 min: J-Con finds Bradley Cooper's pack of cigarettes that he swore he didn't smoke anymore. She finally loses her shit and throws him and his stuff out of the house.

110 min: Wow, Eric's out of his G-D mind. Scarlett just limped back into his life because things didn't work out with Cooper, and the next day, he shows her a house he wants to buy in the hopes that she may someday soon move in with him and have it be theirs. Ya know what he should have bought instead of a house? A personality. Writers keep forgetting to make him remotely likeable.

113 min: Gigi just went on a date with Justin Long's Friend, a dude who looks like a third-string Kyle McLachlan, so...yeesh. He drops her off at her apartment and then there’s another knock on the door— BUT it’s Justin Long. Classic misdirection, movie. But wouldn't Justin Long and his friend have passed each other in the hallway? Was that not weird?

115 min: Justin Long and Gigi kiss. Blam! Affleck proposes to Aniston. Pow! The moral of the story? Keep being stupid, it might work out. Or is it that Justin Long is full of shit? Nope, it's never ever ever watch He's Just Not That Into You. SPEAKING OF WHICH, they never said it! I was waiting the whole damn movie for someone to say, "Look-- he's just not that into you!" at which point I was ready to jump up and break into applause like all those USA World Cup goal vs. Algeria reaction videos.

".............He's just not that into you..."



...I Mean, He Might Be, What the Hell Do I Know?,
Witz

*I'm legitimately excited to see The Social Network. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by David Fincher, and music by Trent Reznor? Sold.

**I am absolutely positive nobody has ever said that before and nobody ever will again.

Witz Pickz: Burger King Unabashedly Going Too Far

There's a thin line between clever advertising and blatant, transparent manipulation. I'm applauding Burger King for crossing the line from the former to the latter and unabashedly going too far with their current ad campaign. For those of you who haven't seen the commercials, Burger King's new ad campaign is allegedly live recorded footage of customers going ape-shit when they are told that Burger King now functions differently. First, they told people that they no longer had the Whopper. Footage showed customers getting ripshit and demanding a Whopper. "What do you mean you don't have the Whopper??" what the typical response, with some solid bleeps and blurs thrown in to raise the stakes. Then they stamped down a statement saying something to the extent of, "People went crazy," which it appears they did. Kind of.

Because everything is even more clear in the most recent commercial. In this new commercial, Burger King goes beyond just not serving their #1 selling item, they actually give the customers the competition's food. Somebody orders a Whopper and they get a Big Mac. Somebody orders a double cheeseburger and they get Wendy's patties. One get yells, "I don't want a @($$ing Big Mac! This is Burger King! I want a $*%in' WHOPPER!" Because you see, that's what he ordered. Another customer gets worked up because he has Wendy's square patties. So the commercial essentially boils down (bRoils down, if you will, aha-ha) to "When people are given our competitor's food, they flip out because it is not as good as our food." Only that's not quite right, is it? There are three things that stand out in these ads:

1) America is fat and spoiled. Emphasis on the fat, but highlight the spoiled.

2) The footage might very well be faked. If it's not faked, then it is probably drawn from a huuuge number of hours of footage in numerous franchises around the country. I'm guessing that 99% of the people ate what they were given and liked it. I'm not saying everyone didn't notice, but I bet a lot of people said, "Oh, huh, square patty, whatever" and kept eating, and a bunch probably said, "Fuck it, I'll eat what I'm given, it's all the same shit." There might have been a few people who didn't notice because they were just so hungry or in need of a grease/fat fix, they didn't care what it was. Either way, I'm guessing the angry flipout was the minority response.

3) And this is the big one here: The responses were completely legitimate, regardless of the preference of burger. Let me explain.

This footage was taken when customers gave money for an item and were handed an item that they did not order. That's the first strike. Now imagine this: you go into a fast food restaurant. You order something from the pimply, awkward, sick of his job kid behind the counter and moments later he hands you a bag. You open the bag and you realize that, shit, once again, the kid who you assume doesn't give a shit about customer service, messed up your order. You go back to the counter and tell him that instead of a Whopper, he gave you A BIG MAC. This kid must not only be apathetic, he must be pathological-- a sociopath of the fast food world. But THEN, when you TELL the kid that he gave you a Big Mac, HE DOESN'T CARE. He does not register any remorse, conflicted feeling, or acknowledgement of problem. He just stares at you and says, "What's the problem?" WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?? Burger King videotaped people being given the wrong food and getting upset about it. I don't know if that's genius or insanity, but it's definitely going too far and probably slightly illegal (although technically, they did do what they said they did and people DID respond the way they did. The two just aren't entirely related). Way to go, BK, you've harnessed the power of idiots.


WITZ DOESN'T PICK: Mac Ads (still)

On the other side of the spectrum is Apple, still being douchey to an apparently innocent, well-intentioned nerd. I need them to get over it. I do. Because I seemingly can't. This time, PC and Mac are standing in the white space with a football referee. PC says it's so that the ref can deem Mac's calling Leopard better than Vista foul play. Mac mentions that it wasn't Mac who said it, it was, like, The Wall Street Journal. Then the ref agrees with Mac, and PC is thrown out into the void. I'm sold. Seriously Mac, nothing makes me more hot for Apple than beating a dead horse-- or more appropriately, kicking a fat, pretentious character actor when he's down. And it's not like they're pulling out big left hooks anymore. They're just sending out wild swings with not much power behind them. The Wall Street Journal says we're better than PC? Really? Is that enough to base an ad around? Next we're gonna have Mac and PC hanging out in a school yard and Mac will tell PC to fuck off.

"Why" PC will ask.
"Because my friends zdnet.com and Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day say you're a fag."
"Huh?" PC will ask.
"Yeah, you're a big nerdy, fat sack of queer, PC."
"Can I point out my substantial market share?"
"Is that what you call your boyfriend's cock?" Mac will taunt.
"Huh? I thought you were hip and cool, not pretentious and mean..."
"Ha! I'm a hipster computer! We're hip and cool BECAUSE we're prententious and mean!"
"....."
"....."
"....."
"PC, are you even listening?"
"Huh, what? Oh, sorry, I must have spaced out while not worrying about you as a competitor at all. I like to fall asleep at night by counting Bill Gates' cars."
"You can sleep at night? I don't even know how I live with myself..."

And so on and so forth. I like to think that since people don't like smear campaigns, in politics or elsewhere, these ads are responsible for Apple stock's 20 point drop in the last week. Either that or the stock market is actually heading toward that recession everyone's been talking about. Whatever-- I'm still buying Apple stock while it's low. Hells yeah I am.

Fingers Crossed,
Witz