Witz Pickz: Halloween Costume Do's and Don't's This Year

Halloween is on Sunday, which means anyone deamed too old and/or creepy for trick or treating will be celebrating on Saturday. If you're anything like me, you wait until the very last minute to get a costume together, so I've decided to post some sexy ideas and some costumes to avoid this All Hallow's Eve Eve.

5 Costumes to Make Sexy This Year:

When did we decide to call these costumes "sexy" versions instead of "slutty" versions? Nobody says, "That girl's really sexy-- she blew the entire football team." I guess it's marketing, and, let's be honest, it doesn't matter what you call it, Halloween's the best show of creative nudity outside of New Orleans.

1) Sexy BP Oil Spill: Nobody is pro-oil spill, so you won't run into any controversy with this one. Throw on a a low cut, belly-button exposing top with some short shorts, douse yourself with Hershey's syrup and you're good to go. Add a syrup doused stuffed fish or bird for good measure. For best results, add a very specific detail to the costume and you'll be showing the world not only your body, but that you're literate, too.

2) Sexy Carl Paladino: Put the "uber date" back in "gubernatorial candidate" with this sexy costume. With the election coming up on Tuesday, this costume is ripped from the headlines. Simply wear a shirt and tie, but sexy it up however you see fit. Remember guys: having your dick out is NOT sexy, it's a felony.



3) Sexy Time: Wear some enticing, revealing clothes and a clock around your neck and once you get past all the Flavor Flav references, you can reveal that you're "Sexy time! Get it!?" Nothing gets a conversation started better than sounding like an Austrian making english language innuendo.

4) Sexy Trader Joe: This one is great because you can go as the traditional Trader Joe OR you can choose to go as Trader Jose, Trader Giotto, or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, Trader Ming. No matter who you choose, make sure you make it sexy-- it will distract from the fact that, much like the products, the costume is vaguely racist.



5) Sexy Katherine Heigl: Hehehehe, get it? Because she's awful and unappealing. Feel free to be creative with this one-- Sexy Justin Long, Sexy Seth Rogen, Sexy Morgan Freeman, etc, etc...


5 Costume DON'T's this All Hallow's Eve Eve:

Two years ago, everyone and their dead celebrity crush went as The Joker for Halloween, and, let's be honest, it was borderline embarrassing to hear that seventh person ask, "Why so serious?" as if they were the first person to think of it. Here are some costumes to avoid this year.

1) Double Rainbow/Double Rainbow Guy - Just don't do it. Seriously. Even Sexy Double Rainbow is gonna be redundant no matter which party you go to. Besides, you're gonna get super sick of having everyone come up to you saying, "Whoooah, Double Rainbow! What does it mean!?" We get it, you watch Youtube videos. The only way this costume is acceptable is if you and your preferably gay partner are each a single rainbow and when people ask what you are, you both start making out, thus combining into a double rainbow. Twist.



2) Precious: The costume based on the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. I know, it's great in theory, but nothing good will come of it (especially if you go as Sexy Precious). If you're white and dress up like Precious, you're really dressing up as a racist, and if you're black and dress up like Precious, you're just making fun of fat girls who have been raped. So...pass.

3) The Prophet Mohammed - For those of you not familiar with Danish cartoons, just take my word for it-- it's still a bad idea. If you must get your religion on, the ever popular Jesus, or Moses, or Joseph Smith, or Buddha, or the lesser utilized L. Ron Hubbard are all still acceptable options. I realize Moses is not the Jewish deity, but do you have any idea what Yahweh looks like? I sure don't. Oo-- that gives me another sexy idea: Sexy afikoman.



4) The Jersey Shore Cast Member: There are going to be thousands of The Situations this Halloween, so don't be that guy. Your abs aren't as good and it's going to get awkward the more you show people yours. If you must make a Mike The Situation costume, do something creative with it like, "The Hypothesis: My abs are ok, but if I worked out more and ate less pizza, I think I could have a great six-pack." If you're desperate to show dudes your boobs and underwear, go as Snookie, and if you want to be boring and redundant, go as Ronnie and Sami. I guess if you can get an entire group of people to go as the entire cast, that could be pretty well done. Make sure to kick whoever dresses up as Angelina out of the group part way through the night...


(see...)

5) Insane Clown Posse: Honestly, I can't decide if this is a great or terrible costume idea. Taking cues from the "Miracles" song/video, there are a plethora of options for props and references. You could carry magnets while looking quizzical, rock a t-shirt that says, "Fuck Scientists," or just find some way to work in "crows" and "ghosts." On the other hand, if there are a hundred ICP jokes running around, you might look lame. If you want to go as ICP, maybe skip their born-again wonderment references of "Miracles" and go back to some of their less subtle classics like, "I Stuck Her With My Wang," "Bugz On My Nutz," or the straight forward tune, "Imma Kill U."


(Not just a clever name...)

It's Never Too Late For Sexy Strom Thurmond,
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Things I Don't Understand

I just saw the trailer for The Wolfman and I'll say this: If I'm ever in a position to chain or tie up a man or creature who's strength I don't know, I'm gonna go, what some might call, overboard. Who are these people that haphazardly throw on restraints and say, "Yeah...that wooden chair and basic pair of shackles oughta do the trick."? And who are the ones thinking double-knots with rope are going to keep superhuman strength from breaking free? You know how many chains and ropes I'm going to use on The Wolfman? ALL OF THE CHAINS AND ROPES. I'm going to use ALL the chains. I'm going to tie him to something sturdy, and I'm PROBABLY going to put him in a sack up to his neck. Because it's a frickin' Wolfman! What do these townspeople think? "Well, these chains will hold a man...and they'll hold a wolf...so this should be enough to hold a Wolf-Man." Unbelievable.

Harry & David: After receiving peanut-butter filled pretzels, chocolate covered almonds, truffles, and a bag of pistachios from Harry & David this Christmas, it occurred to me that Harry & David might be the most openly gay company in America. When mentioning this to some people, I was shocked to find out that Harry and David are BROTHERS and not two gay guys. Right...of course they are...Harry and David are just two heterosexual brothers selling candy treats, delightful snacks, and kitchen goods. Oh, and boxes of pears.

HARRY: You know what would be totally fucking badass, David?
DAVID: What's that, Harold?
HARRY: High-end gift baskets!
DAVID: FUCK YEAH!
HARRY: Right??
DAVID: Hell yeah-- oh!
HARRY: What? What are you thinking?
DAVID: Wait for it...
HARRY: What is it??
DAVID: Three words: HOLIDAY. GIFT. TOWERS.
HARRY: HOLY SHIT-- you're like the George Washington Carver of mail order food stuffs.
DAVID:...
HARRY:...
DAVID: We should try hunting again.
HARRY: Yep.

I mean c'mon, they have a "Fruit-of-the-month-club!" These guys were closeted in 1930, but times have changed. It's time for Harry & David to come out and be heralded as the openly gay pioneers they have always been.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant:
There is actually a television show on (amusingly) The Learning Channel called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" and it's absolutely as literal as you don't want to believe it is. These women were unaware that they were pregnant right up until they actually gave birth to A BABY. The most astonishing thing about the show, to me, is that THERE IS MORE THAN ONE EPISODE! This has happened enough to create an entire series out of it. In fact, there's a second season!

From the few clips and stories I've seen and from what I've been told by fans of the show, there's pretty much one way things go down. They shouldn't call the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," they should call it, "Oops, I Pooped a Baby," because there is an astoundingly high number of women who think they need to eat more greens and the next thing they know, the toilet bowl is crying. Can you imagine a more terrifying situation?? Talk about life going from bad to worse. If that was me, I'd-- well, first I'd probably pass out from the pain-- but then I'd push, and then the baby would scream, and then I'd scream, and the baby would scream, and I'd flush, and the baby would scream, and I'd flush and scream, and then we'd both be screaming and crying and screaming and the person in Stall #2 would run out of that bathroom with a speed never before known possible. If you think walking back from a dorm room the morning after in the same clothes is a "Walk of Shame," try the walk back from the bathroom to your table at the restaurant with a goopy toilet baby that you didn't have on the way in.* Needless to say, this show is going to the top of the To Watch List, hopefully an an encore after The Jersey Shore.

"Our Daughter Learned To Swim At a VERY Young Age,"
Witz

*The only acceptable joke to make in that scenario is to reach back into the movie quote vault and make a "Do NOT go in there!" Ace Ventura reference.

BONUS FOOTAGE:

VILLAGER: Hi, I need to buy some chains...
CLERK: Oh yeah? What do you need them for?
VILLAGER: Well, we have kind of a Wolf...Man...situation.
CLERK: What, like, part wolf, part man, kinda thing?
VILLAGER: Exactly.
CLERK: Right. Well, these chains here are pretty good.
VILLAGER: Are they the best?
CLERK: No, but they're the best value.
VILLAGER: Alright, that sounds good. How many do you think I need? Like, one? What do you think? One? Maybe two?
CLERK: Yeah, I should think one would do the trick, but you might grab two just in case.
VILLAGER: Really? You're not just upselling me?
CLERK: No no no, not at all. But alright, here-- why don't you get the ONE chain, and then maybe grab a stool-- like one of those rickety ones over there.
VILLAGER: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
CLERK: Great, I'll give you a deal on the set.
VILLAGER: Oh yeah?
CLERK: Yeah, seems fair.
VILLAGER: Well, thank you, thank you very much. You'll give me a deal. How kind.
CLERK: Anything else?
VILLAGER: Uhhh, no, nope, ya know what, I think I'm great with this one chain and rickety stool, thanks. I mean, it's just a never before seen part man, part wolf creature with an untested amount of strength and dexterity...see you later!
CLERK: You absolutely will not.
VILLAGER: What's that?
CLERK: Have a good day!



SO many things here: Did you know that Danny DeVito and Arnold were reunited in Junior after having done Twins together?? Isn't that kind of a genre-specific reunion? Did you know that Emma Thompson was in Junior?? Did you realize that the tagline for Junior is "Nothing is inCONCEIVABLE?" Do you realize that they probably made the movie AFTER thinking of that pun? Do you realize that Arnold Schwartzenegger, star of JUNIOR, has the power to make major political decisions even after choosing to make Junior??