Witz Pickz: The King's Speech

(Nothing about the movie is as playful as that tagline...)

The other night, M-Dash and I went to the movies to see The Fighter. We both wanted to see it, and while we heard that The King's Speech was good, we both agreed that we were in a The Fighter mood-- Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale always seem like a better option than Geoffrey Rush and Colin "It's not the length, it's the" Firth.

We were half an hour early for the 7:45 showing, and bought our tickets. "That specific theater doesn't have heat right now, so if you think it's too cold, you can get a refund up to twenty-minutes into the film," she told us. "Whatever, it's probably not a big deal," we thought, and went ahead into the theater.

And ya know what? It wasn't a big deal. What was a big deal was that the room we walked into was about the size of my Brooklyn apartment, had maybe 40 chairs, the screen was only slighter larger than a big screen TV, and it was empty. Oh yeah, and several chairs were broken, ripped, and contained "Out of Order" signs, and the ones that were "In Order" were stuck in various states of recline, and stained in curious ways. There are only so many descriptive words you can use without just coming out and saying, "Rape Room," so there it is; it looked like a storage room where people had been getting repeatedly raped by chimpanzees. There was no doubt in my mind that it had bed bugs, and that those bed bugs had gonorrhea. I expected to look at the walls and see pictures that Dexter had taped there before he murdered his victims. It was your classic murder-rape room that would make an Austrian Dungeon Owner jealous. It looked like an exhibit at the MoMA called, "Personification of AIDS." It looked as though 28 days earlier, someone had been bitten by an angry, infected monkey. We turned around and walked out.



"It's a little cold," I told the ticket girl. "Can we see the 7:20 King's Speech instead?"
"Yeah, no problem," she said, and exchanged our tickets. We ran up the stairs to check the other theater. We opened the door and looked out over your typical, upscale, quality movie theater. We found some seats, and both had the same thought: "It is appalling that they charge the same amount of money to go see a movie in the nice stadium style theater and the super sketchy Spunk Dungeon." I'm assuming we both independently thought of the phrase "spunk dungeon." The movie started.

I knew from the minute the first title appeared the screen reading, "In 1925, The Duke of York was asked by his father, King George the V, to give a speech at Wembley Stadium," that I was NOT in a The King's Speech mood. I was in a The Fighter mood, and so was M-Dash. She laughed audibly at the first title, and I nodded. The first scene then proceeded to play out like the infamous "Answering Machine Scene" in Swingers. I don't think I'm spoiling anything by telling you that Colin Firth's character sucks at speaking. He's just miserable at it. As good as Kanye West is at sounding like a crazy person, is how bad this guy was at talking. Watching him stammer through a sentence for five minutes of my life made me want to knife everyone in the theater, but, as we all are aware by now, we were in the wrong room for that. Like most of the people in the character's life, I wanted to shout, "Ok, I get it, but JUST FUCKING SAY IT, MAN!" Painful.


(How M-Dash and I looked during the first ten minutes of the movie)

"Wait-- so this whole movie is about the Duke of York's speech impediment?" M-Dash asked, and I nodded in agreement with the implied judgement and incredulity. Shockingly, despite our negative internal reaction and my slight squirming and barely audible sighs, they kept playing the movie for everyone, and it didn't take long for me to start slowly caring about the characters. Geoffrey "No, seriously, I was the bad guy in Pirates of the Carribean!" Rush was engrossing, and Colin Firth's acting was Oscar worthy, so slowly but surely, the film won me over, which is pretty impressive. Really, the only slow parts were the parts where Colin Firth couldn't get his gggg-gg-g-g-ggggggggg-gg-gggggg-gggggggggG-GODDAMN WORDS OUT! So, if they just cut out all the parts where the King speaks, I think The King's Speech would have been a really great film. And I didn't even need to delouse myself afterward.

"Is this movie NOT about Elvis!?",
Witz

Witz Pickz: Damages (the show)

Damages: Since television is gasping for programming and thus far the best they've managed to do is add the fiftieth incarnation of a "Man sees things that aren't there" (Huff, Ali McBeal, Raines, etc., etc.) in Eli Stone, I've turned to watching more DVD's of shows I wasn't ever gonna watch unless something like this happened. After watching Dirt and telling you about that last week, I thankfully turned to Damages, another FX show.

FX is doing something right, because this show is incredibly well done. Written, shot, directed, and told like a film, this crime-legal-thriller stars Glenn Close as a character you could see being both fatally attracted (in that she's charismatic when she needs to be) and you could see stealing your dalmatians (in that she's evil and I can't think of a single person who wouldn't steal dalmatians if given the chance). At her side is former OC Hateable (I think I'm gonna make a lunch time snack called Hateables-- they'll be just like Lunchables, but with an honest moral compass that I believe people will appreciate) Tate Donovan (Jimmy, Mischa Barton's Dad), who plays a great role as Glenn Close's number two. The other main lead is Rose Byrne who does a great job riding the line between intelligent and naive. Ted Danson rounds out the big namers playing the defendant in the big case, and it's interesting to see how he's progressed and how Curb Your Enthusiasm probably influenced his ability to get this role. One last fun note on those involved in the project is that two episodes were DIRECTED by Mario Van Peebles. The same Mario Van Peebles who was in "Solo" and "Highlander 2: The Sorcerer." And get this-- he's 50 years old. We live in a world where Mario Van Peebles is 50 and is directing high quality dramatic television. There's always hope.

Unlike most crime-thrillers, this sucker focuses only on one case. It delves to deeply into the case, the set of characters, and the relationships and manipulations of those characters IN RELATION to the case, that each episode is interesting and nothing feels extraneous. It's the "In Relation to the case" part that makes the show great. Unlike shows like Heroes or Lost where there is a long extended suspenseful story, Damages has no excess. No romantic plots for no reason. No side issues solely for episodic story arc. EVERYTHING ties back into the main plot and almost always does so in an interesting, revealing, or shocking way. There's never a reason to say, "I'm so sick of this plot-- it's so stupid" because it's all or nothing and I, for one, vote all.

None of this would amount to anything, however, if the story wasn't told so well. The story is told from two time perspectives. One in the present, where you know an end result, although you don't quite understand it or how it happened, and one starting six months earlier when Ellen (Byrne) is hired by Patty (Close) at her law firm. Each episode, you learn slightly more from the present and slightly more about the past. They tie in perfectly together to give answers, but keep you guessing as the plot thickens and twists. It literally feels like you're watching one long movie. The brilliant part about it is that it is setup in such a way that there can be a tremendous payoff at the end, but without ending the case and causing the show to be over. I'm not at that point yet, but I can see it in the distance and am excited to see what they do. It's a lot like Dexter in that respect (although I don't see how they can go past season two of Damages).

It's only 3 DVD's and you can also watch them on those tv links I talked about before. The DVD's are even tailored to eliminate the annoying, "previously on" part that we all can't stand when watching DVD's. When I first watched the first few seasons of 24 on DVD, I couldn't believe how long I had to wait to recap everything that I had just seen. Annoying. If you sent in your absentee ballot for today, I suggest taking an hour to "go vote" anyway, and instead watch the first episode on your computer. Classic caper.

Kick Him In the Van Peebles,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Picking A Doctor (And HAVING Healthcare)

I'll go ahead and assume everyone knows how miserable my immune system is. So I'll skip to the glory that is Healthcare, and to be more factually accurate (since Healthcare is not actually ALL that glorious), MY HAVING healthcare. Now that I'm working, I'm apparently not going to get sick anymore, because I'm not stressed out about not working and not having healthcare in case I get sick, which leads me to getting sick. Sometimes life is evil.

Now, having healthcare is great, and everyone absolutely must get SOME KIND always. But now that I'm signed up, I had to select a primary care physician. This entails looking through a list of about 80 similarly qualified doctors with very little differentiating information. The process to switch primary care physicians is a bitch and a half, so I have to make this count. Narrowed down by location radius (apparently it's a problem for me to drive 2.3 miles to a GREAT doctor, when I can drive 1.2 to an OK doctor), I still have about 60 doctors to choose from.

They each have specialty's within the areas of Family Medicine, Internal Medicine, and Pediatry (that has to do with kids, not feet right?). Well, here's the thing-- I don't have a family, but I probably have a lot of the same health concerns that individual family members have. I am, in fact, an individual family member, just not in this state. So maybe that's for me? But then there's Internal Medicine. Except for the time I was stung by a bee, the time I touched poison ivy, and the time my toe nail fell off, almost all of the medicine I have been given quickly became internal medicine, along with a glass of water. Also, after a quick look in the mirror and some mental math, I determined that I am MOSTLY INTERNAL. So maybe THIS ONE is for me?

Finally, there's pediatrician's, and while I went to a pediatrician up through college when I was at home, exposing myself to the strong and terrible filthiness of children's germs, I am no longer a child and probably should not go to an MD who specializes in children's medicine. I do like the prospect of going in for a routine exam and having my hernia test done by a pediatrician, knowing as he checks my junk that I've got a clear advantage in that arena. But that's no way to pick a doctor.

So I do what every person does in my situation-- I racially and culturally profile. I start looking at the individual names, and occasionally explore further one of the names that SOUNDS right. That's pretty much how I ended up choosing my college, so why not a doctor, too? Hal Johnson sounds like he'll make fun of me for "being a puss." Beverly McDonough reminds me that I don't want a female doctor. Anoush Abkadazian gets crossed off the list, but to make sure I'm not racist, I leave on Juan Rodriguez. See? So I go through and I go through and eventually, I hit upon a name I recognize and have some history with: David Fischer.

For those not in the know, David Fischer is the name of Michael C. Hall's character in Six Feet Under. As I've seen the entire series from start to finish on DVD (and thought it was "OK" as you can read in a previous post), I have a lot of history with David Fis(c)her and feel like I know where he's coming from. I doubt THIS David will be a late thirties gay man with dry humor, uptight tendencies and a penchant for corpses, but still, gotta go with something. Then, there's the Michael C. Hall connection. Along with Six Feet Under, Michael C. Hall plays the lead role in Dexter, one of my all time favorite series thus far. I can't pass up a connection like that, it's just too obvious to me.

I pause only momentarily to think about the consequences of my actions. Does picking a doctor based on a fictional character, he happens to work IN A MORGUE, make sense? Does it jinx it? Is the irony enough to override any horrible curses I might have placed upon myself? I wonder beyong that to the greater fact that Dexter is a serial killer who feels no emotion and lives only by a code his step-father laid out for him...that's kind of like the hypocratic oath, isn't it?? Yeah, of course it is. So I focus on those facts, ignore the negative possibilities, and click on his name. I find out that he a) looks a bit like Alan Alda b) is an allergy and immunology expert (THOSE ARE MY POTENTIAL PROBLEMS!!!) and c) went to the University of Washington (the state from which I moved). So that's three cool coincidences worth running with, and I do.

I sign up online and make David Fischer my doctor. Is it the best idea, ever? Probably not. But do I have any other real criteria to base my decision on, given that I was in the middle of the registration process and couldn't proceed with a name? Nope. And so I'm counting on my Emotional Intelligence on this one. My instincts, my life experience, and my gut. Because even though I went with my gut when choosing a college and regretted it, and even though I went with my gut when buying Taco Bell and regretted it, and even though I went with my gut when betting on roullette and regretted it, this time is going to be the time. And if my gut doesn't come through this time, well, I'll have to hit the gym and make sure I stay in shape and healthy.

Limited Liability Human,
Witz

(posts will come at nights now mostly, so be sure to check back for more posts you might have missed-- I'll try and make up with another one so you get all 5 this week)

Witz Pickz: Ultimate Television Lineup!

I wrote one of these a few years back when Witz Pickz was a column in a student newspaper. How far I've come-- now Witz Pickz is an online blog read by...well fewer people probably. That's kind of a downer. But I respect you all so much more. So here's the glorious TV Lineup Post-- just far enough into the seasons that I can tell what's good, but not so far that you can't go back and watch the first episodes online.


SUNDAY:
9pm: Dexter (SHO) -- There can't possibly be a better way to kickoff the week than with Dexter. One of the most brilliantly conceived (by Jeff Lindsay in his books) and executed series on television, Dexter has finally started to blow up all over the place. I won't tell you what it's about if you don't already know, because finding out is half the fun. Since nobody gets Showtime, check this out on iTunes, or download it. SO GOOD.

9pm: Family Guy (FOX) -- ...is still hilarious. You know what it is. Watch it.

10pm: Curb your Enthusiasm (HBO) -- Has put up a terrific season thus far. Unlike some of the seasons which wavered and had some annoying episodes (where everyone blames Larry for things that nobody in real life would blame someone for), this season has been packed with laughs and some great new characters.

MONDAY:
8pm: How I Met Your Mother (CBS) -- There's not much on Monday nights, but if you have to watch something at eight, you might as well watch How I Met Your Mother, which was amusing the few times I saw it and I wholeheartedly support Jason Segul (Slackers, Undeclared, Knocked Up).

9pm: Heroes (NBC) -- The second season has more twists, more characters, and more of the same X-Men ripoff that Season One had. PLUS, Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) got signed on, so that's great.

10pm: Weeds (SHO) -- Topping off Mondays is the show nobody watches live. I still don't know more than one or two people with Showtime, but hey, that's why downloading and iTunes exists. Pickup the newest episodes of Weeds on Tuesdays. It's gotten better with time, and this season really is more interesting and amusing than ever.

TUESDAY:

9pm: House (FOX) -- Hugh Laurie is still solving Medical Mysteries the way Sherlock Holmes solved Regular Mysteries. I love it. I went back and watched Season 3 on DVD and it was great. The 3 fellowship people are gone in Season Four and he has to get a whole new group to help him out. It's a credit to the show and to the viewers that they feel ok doing this. The new group is promising and Hugh Laurie is still brilliantly acting. I swear the show used to be called House MD, but I guess they dropped the MD in the way bands drop the (A) or (The) before their name or people drop last names.

WEDNESDAY:

8pm: Pushing Daisies (ABC) -- This show might take a grain of salt to get into, but it's entirely worth it for the dialogue. The show is narrated and shot like a fairy tale, with a hint of Amelie, but with a whole lot of attitude and wit. Quips abound, amusing narrative devices and interactions, and fast paced witty writing keep the show interesting, even if some of the happier moments are a bit cheesy and overdone. The writers are well aware of this issue, however, as they always have a cynical character present for any moment that is too "fairy tale ending." Also, the show has the "I don't have a pen..." guy from Heatvision and Jack. AWESOME (but you probably don't know what that is).

9pm: Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) -- Going along the angry British people theme, Fox made an American version of the Gordon Ramsey show still airing on BBC. Starring Gordon Ramsey the brilliant, passionate, and extremely angry chef from Hell's Kitchen, the show has run down abominations of restaurants use Gordon as a consultant to get the place back in working condition. Along the way, Ramsey screams, swears, and insults his way to success. It gets redundant after a few episodes, but your other options are Private Practice, possibly the worst spin off show in years, and Josh Schwartz's new project, Gossip Girl, which is like The OC, but without any wit, quirk, or good soundtrack. (Note: A lot of you are probably wondering, "But wait, doesn't that mean he's SEEN Gossip Girl??" to which I reply, I'd do anything for you readers, even sit through an episode or two of a bad show on The CW brutalizing the talents of Kristen Bell).

10pm: Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) -- Losing steam as it goes on, DSM to fans (or bloggers who don't want to write it out all the time) is just a decently solid show with some good cinematography and interesting characters. It's purposefully a bit over the top, but with Peter Krauss and Donald Sutherland holding down the cast, along with some good young actors and the chick from The OC (Anna) and Entourage (Ari's first assistant who dates Eric), it's pretty good acting too. And for my disgruntled fans of a previous DSM post, The Baldwin Brother does the job well.

THURSDAY:

8pm: Survivor China (CBS) -- I'm not just writing this because I blog about it on tvfodder.com....seriously....I'm not...

8:30pm: 30 Rock (NBC) -- Funnier and funnier. Tracy Morgan found his role. Alec Baldwin found his role. NBC better keep it going another season or two.

9pm: The Office (NBC) -- I'm wondering how long The Office can keep it up. Eventually, it's going to get bad and how many seasons can it seriously last? Each week they put up solid comedy and they managed to get Pam and Jim together without jumping the shark. Oh-- you didn't know about that? Get over it, it's just a comedy, the plot's not important. Unfortunately, NBC has plans for a spinoff show, which I can't imagine not being terrible. It would be a spinoff of a show that was an American version of a BBC program. Don't do it (unless they want to use my show about telemarketers as the spinoff-- which would be perfect incidentally...-- then it'd be ok)

FRIDAY:

9pm: (NBC) Friday Night Lights -- They basically gave up the goods in the first season since they didn't know if they'd be back, but keep FNL alive by at least TiVo-ing it. Please? Go Panthers.

SATURDAY:

There's no good tv on Saturdays. Don't even bother.

LEFT OUT:

Entourage -- Not currently airing new episodes, but obviously great
Flight of the Conchords -- Hit and miss, but not airing new episodes either
Grey's Anatomy -- Seriously, it's not a good show. You know it. I know it. We watch it. Fine.
Moonlight -- Vampire detective with Shannon Sossymon and Logan from Veronica Mars in it? Worth a shot. (FRI @ 9 on CBS)

I will repost this with links and such later today. Maybe a few more jokes, who knows? It's a living organism, this internets.

I'm Gonna Make A Show Called Crack And Have It Be About A Drug Dealer Who Sells Crack While Bending Over A Lot With Low Cut Jeans, And People Will Be Like, "Yo, It's So Funny When You Watch It While On Crack!",
Witz