Witz Flickz: King of Kong, Rocket Science, The Amateurs, Two Days In Paris, The Hottest State, Michael Clayton, and Gone, Baby, Gone

Man, Pick #201 sure is a big letdown-- it's like the day after Christmas, now we all have to wait another 365 days until pick #300 (I mean, c'mon, let's be honest). Hopefully, it will come faster than that and fortunately, Monday's are only teaser picks that lead up to the glory of Fridays (you know, sometimes, by accident). Here are a bunch of short movie pickz for you because I've been watching far too many recently:

The Hottest State:
Ethan Hawke lured me in, but he's barely in this movie. Instead, we get a young couple struggling with life and love in NYC. Somehow, possibly because of how it was shot and written, the story and dialogue grab and hold you for a decent part of the film, but ultimately, it gets a bit old and tiresome-- like the old guy at family reunions, the first half of the night he's hanging onto everyone and talking excitedly about the past (aka Historical Fiction) and then he's exhausted and needs to leave early, but the old folks bus ain't there yet so everyone starts arguing about who's gonna stay with Uncle Charlie. Good acting and really decent commentary on relationships, but a bit too self-consciously indie and long-- the movie, not Uncle Charlie.

Two Days In Paris:
I really enjoyed this film and not just because it reminded me waaaay too much of how my family operates under travel duress. Adam Goldberg and Julie Delpy go to Paris on the way back from Italy to visit and to see her parents (they live in nyc and she's from Paris). Argumentative hilarity and philosophy ensue. Perfect for a Ratatouille double-header, the dialogue is quick and entertaining, and the plot only drags at a few points and not for very long.

The Amateurs:
One of those movies where the whole isn't quite the sum of the parts. A small small town gets together to make a porn film when Jeff Bridges has a moment of clarity for his next moneymaking project. His buddies fall into line including Patrick Fugit, Ted Danson, That Police Guy From Prison Break Season One and Invasion, and The Funny Little Guy From O Brother Where Art Thou, Joe Pantoliano (that guy from everything), John Hawkes (Deadwood), Lauren Graham, The Gay Bashing Dude From Grey's Anatomy, and The Older Wife From Big Love. There are some scenes of brilliance and great comedy, but not nearly enough, and considering the topic, you'd think they'd have been able to pack in more goodness. The movie works and it's ok, but it's not amazing.

Rocket Science:
For everyone who thought Juno was the only quirky white people indie film available for viewing, I have great news-- Rocket Science exists. Very well written, somewhat amusing, and really well acted, Rocket Science is the simple story of a boy with a stutter in high school who starts to come into his own with the help of a girl who either loves him or hates him. The simple story is described in dramatic proportion, but in a way that works. He gets tricked onto the debate team, where he ironically tries to win the contest and the girl's heart. I really enjoyed the simple story and the characters its tough not to get involved with the characters. Plus, for you Juno fans, since they are quick talking debaters, most of the dialogue is snappy and far too fast for realism. Also, this shockingly means that The Great Debaters is NOT THE ONLY debate movie to watch. Baffling. I hope debate becomes like dancing and cliques square off. They can call it, "Bring It On Again, Because Within The Current Debate Format It Is Your Turn For Rebuttal."

Michael Clayton:
George Clooney gets wacky wild in the gray area of morality and ultimately chooses-- well, I won't tell you. But what would a guy who was formerly on "Sisters," "ER," and played Batman choose to do? Anyway, well acted, well written, a bit unnecessarily confusing, and containing ONE extraneous horse scene, I liked it, and I bet the writer was screaming into his pillow the night they gave the Academy Award to "The Girl Who Got Pregnant But It Was Ok"-- which I also really enjoyed.

Gone, Baby, Gone:
The best part about this movie is that I get to quote the line where they say, "Gone baby, gone." with a Haitian accent ALL THE TIME NOW.

"Where's the leftover pizza??"
"Gone baby, gone."
"Where's that DVD you got from Netflix?"
"Gone baby, gone."
"Where's your dignity after more than 200 pickz?"
"Gone baby, gone."

Awesome. The second best part about this movie was Casey Affleck and the great story-- I know that's two things, but did you really want me to have to write a third line where I told you what the THIRD best thing was? Moot point. Anyway, I'm pretty shocked that they didn't give this more nominations, because I thought it was probably more compelling and well done than any other movie I've seen that was nominated...which pretty much just means Michael Clayton.

BUT THE BEST MOVIE I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR IS:

The King of Kong: A Fistfull of Quarters
This documentary about is about the best Donkey Kong players in the world-- although the top few competitors are all from the US, which seems suspect, but hey, what do I know. For sheer surrealty, nothing beats this. The "characters" are amazingly odd, but you see where they're coming from. Steve Wiebe (pronounced Wee-bee, like jammin') faces off against Billy Mitchell (the second best name to square off with since Chuck Norris was taken) in the epic long lasting battle and scandal for domination in what is described as the most difficult of the original arcade games. You get to watch as these two prepare, converse, battle, and boast. When you get to the showdown in Hollywood...Florida that is, you will be giddy and astounded at how invested you have become in the story. There is also a colorful array of side characters such as Mr. Awesome, my new favorite person (I guess that was his plan), and Walter Day, the aging referee and game score keeper. I can't possibly explain how awesome and amazing this movie is, you have to find out for yourself.

I'll save a few movies for another slow day. Enjoy the ones I told you to enjoy.

Watching House (M.D.) Season By Season In Reverse Order Is EXACTLY Like Watching The Show Lost In Regular Order,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Picking A Doctor (And HAVING Healthcare)

I'll go ahead and assume everyone knows how miserable my immune system is. So I'll skip to the glory that is Healthcare, and to be more factually accurate (since Healthcare is not actually ALL that glorious), MY HAVING healthcare. Now that I'm working, I'm apparently not going to get sick anymore, because I'm not stressed out about not working and not having healthcare in case I get sick, which leads me to getting sick. Sometimes life is evil.

Now, having healthcare is great, and everyone absolutely must get SOME KIND always. But now that I'm signed up, I had to select a primary care physician. This entails looking through a list of about 80 similarly qualified doctors with very little differentiating information. The process to switch primary care physicians is a bitch and a half, so I have to make this count. Narrowed down by location radius (apparently it's a problem for me to drive 2.3 miles to a GREAT doctor, when I can drive 1.2 to an OK doctor), I still have about 60 doctors to choose from.

They each have specialty's within the areas of Family Medicine, Internal Medicine, and Pediatry (that has to do with kids, not feet right?). Well, here's the thing-- I don't have a family, but I probably have a lot of the same health concerns that individual family members have. I am, in fact, an individual family member, just not in this state. So maybe that's for me? But then there's Internal Medicine. Except for the time I was stung by a bee, the time I touched poison ivy, and the time my toe nail fell off, almost all of the medicine I have been given quickly became internal medicine, along with a glass of water. Also, after a quick look in the mirror and some mental math, I determined that I am MOSTLY INTERNAL. So maybe THIS ONE is for me?

Finally, there's pediatrician's, and while I went to a pediatrician up through college when I was at home, exposing myself to the strong and terrible filthiness of children's germs, I am no longer a child and probably should not go to an MD who specializes in children's medicine. I do like the prospect of going in for a routine exam and having my hernia test done by a pediatrician, knowing as he checks my junk that I've got a clear advantage in that arena. But that's no way to pick a doctor.

So I do what every person does in my situation-- I racially and culturally profile. I start looking at the individual names, and occasionally explore further one of the names that SOUNDS right. That's pretty much how I ended up choosing my college, so why not a doctor, too? Hal Johnson sounds like he'll make fun of me for "being a puss." Beverly McDonough reminds me that I don't want a female doctor. Anoush Abkadazian gets crossed off the list, but to make sure I'm not racist, I leave on Juan Rodriguez. See? So I go through and I go through and eventually, I hit upon a name I recognize and have some history with: David Fischer.

For those not in the know, David Fischer is the name of Michael C. Hall's character in Six Feet Under. As I've seen the entire series from start to finish on DVD (and thought it was "OK" as you can read in a previous post), I have a lot of history with David Fis(c)her and feel like I know where he's coming from. I doubt THIS David will be a late thirties gay man with dry humor, uptight tendencies and a penchant for corpses, but still, gotta go with something. Then, there's the Michael C. Hall connection. Along with Six Feet Under, Michael C. Hall plays the lead role in Dexter, one of my all time favorite series thus far. I can't pass up a connection like that, it's just too obvious to me.

I pause only momentarily to think about the consequences of my actions. Does picking a doctor based on a fictional character, he happens to work IN A MORGUE, make sense? Does it jinx it? Is the irony enough to override any horrible curses I might have placed upon myself? I wonder beyong that to the greater fact that Dexter is a serial killer who feels no emotion and lives only by a code his step-father laid out for him...that's kind of like the hypocratic oath, isn't it?? Yeah, of course it is. So I focus on those facts, ignore the negative possibilities, and click on his name. I find out that he a) looks a bit like Alan Alda b) is an allergy and immunology expert (THOSE ARE MY POTENTIAL PROBLEMS!!!) and c) went to the University of Washington (the state from which I moved). So that's three cool coincidences worth running with, and I do.

I sign up online and make David Fischer my doctor. Is it the best idea, ever? Probably not. But do I have any other real criteria to base my decision on, given that I was in the middle of the registration process and couldn't proceed with a name? Nope. And so I'm counting on my Emotional Intelligence on this one. My instincts, my life experience, and my gut. Because even though I went with my gut when choosing a college and regretted it, and even though I went with my gut when buying Taco Bell and regretted it, and even though I went with my gut when betting on roullette and regretted it, this time is going to be the time. And if my gut doesn't come through this time, well, I'll have to hit the gym and make sure I stay in shape and healthy.

Limited Liability Human,
Witz

(posts will come at nights now mostly, so be sure to check back for more posts you might have missed-- I'll try and make up with another one so you get all 5 this week)

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Society Tellin' Me What's What

Despite what last post might have implied, I am an adult-- at least legally if not actively. I've been around for a bit and I have picked up some of the cultural knowledge and baggage that is all around us. I know not to pick my nose, not to yell "bomb" on a plane (or "boom" or leBRON!" or "QUALM!" and I'm even wary of saying "lip balm" when declaring my Carmex lip gloss in its 3 oz ziplocked bag), and I know how to board busses, hail a cab, and speed up at stop lights (right?). SO it really bothers me when society starts tellin' me what's what when I'm very capable of making a decision for myself.

I first noticed the trend at a baseball game. After going to plenty of games at Fenway Park and Yankee Stadium, and watching thousands of games on television, I know when things are good and when things are bad, and I know when to clap accordingly. While driving cross-country and visiting other ballparks, I noticed a horrifying trend-- The giant electronic boards and banners TELLING me when to make NOISE. And when to CLAP and when to say, "LET'S GO (INSERT HOME TEAM NAME HERE)." Whoah whoah whoah. No giant scoreboard is going to tell me when to do things during a game. I think we are all capable of knowing when to make noise and when not to make noise (almost never during a sporting event), and maybe I'm gonna go ahead and decide when I feel it's appropriate. If there are two outs in an inning and your pitcher needs to get this last guy out, everybody better already be standing and clapping. Same goes for when you need a big hit. If it's 6-0 the away team, and it's the fifth, and I'm a Florida Marlins fan...maybe I'm not feeling like making any noise, regardless of what the scoreboard would like me to do. I'd much prefer to use a Lite Brite of my own to give them the message, "Higher Bankroll!"

Now there's a good chance this practice got started in hockey. The jumbo-tron is there, the game is fast paced and energy-ridden, and let's face it, hockey is not the most beloved sport in our nation. It's not crazy that somebody at a hockey game for the first time would say, "Wait, should I be getting excited now?" I mean, goals and fights are times to cheer. But you maybe don't know to cheer when somebody gets checked hard 30 feet from the puck. And maybe you don't know to start getting excited on a 2 v 1 offensive break. It's tough to get excited for faceoffs and icing, but these things happen. So fine, I'll give it to hockey, but that's it. I'm entirely ready to make life decisions regarding the words and noises coming out of my mouth, and any respectable home fan base should be able to start chants and cheers and excitement all on their own. I'm blaming girls on this one.

Last night I encountered another example of society tellin' me what's what that blew my mind. I bought a package of Safeway Brand Chocolate Chip Cookies aka Treasure Chips because clearly I enjoy the middle path like Buddhism preaches (meaning that I wanted cookies, but wasn't willing to pay a lot or have actually good tasting cookies). I am eating a couple of them and glance at the package. Wanna know what it tells me? "Great with milk!"............I was astounded. "'Great with milk?' Yeah, I know they're great with milk-- they're FUCKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!" I can't even remotely imagine a situation where somebody is eating generic brand cookies as their first cookie, with no sociocultural experience at all, reads the label is like, "Hey, that's an interesting idea, I think I'll try that!" It's just not gonna happen. It's insane to think that the helpful hint label is useful to ANYONE. Maybe if you have a smart resourceful baby, who stumbles upon these cookies at eight months, somehow squeezes open its eyes to then read the label, and then uses its resourcefulness (see, you were wondering where that came in) to acquire some milk to test out the theory-- then and only then might it make sense to have on there.

Does this mean Safeway puts this type of thing on other products? Does their turkey say, "Excellent with bread!" or their pasta say, "Try with sauce!" or their condoms say, "Great for sex!" I'm gonna give you a minute to mull over and possibly google the possibility that Safeway sells generic condoms. Done? Great. I have to assume that the ad people were under great pressure to ad a very small addition to the cookie packaging. Maybe their boss is a crazy person, or maybe he wanted this round of Treasure Chips to be the "Goddamn best round ever!" To be fair, there wasn't much else to say. They can't really say, "For fatties!" or "Eat them like crackers!" or "Like a sex appeal vaccuum!" so in context, "Great with milk!" probably seemed like a fair play. I just don't need my cookies telling me something I learned when I was three. And I don't need my sports telling me when to clap. And I don't need my car telling me when its out of gas. I'll know-- it's when the car stops moving. The little yellow light isn't going to allow me to afford $3.65 a gallon any easier.

Pshh-- What A Complainer,
Witz

Peep the podcast from this week's radio show if you haven't and be sure to checkout Couples Therapy the short web-show I write for. New episode should be up tonight or tomorrow (but usually every Tuesday).

Witz Pickz: Beating Urban Culture To the Punch!

All I can say is

NO.....

FREAKIN.....

WAY.....

http://movies.aol.com/unscripted/the-kingdom-unscripted-complete/the-kingdom/1971133

FROM MY LICENSE PLATE POST:

"Is this like when you tried to get people to start saying, "What's the tick-tock?"
"Kind of...."
"Or when you tried to start saying 'This night is gonna be BUCK" for a crazy night?'"
"Hey, I'm still trying to get that one started-- that one's cool."
"What does it even mean?"
"You know, buck wild. Goin' buck."
"I see, that's kind of good."
"Yeah."

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME

WITZ HAS PASSED LONELYGIRL15 BY SO MUCH AFTER THIS! MORE LATER!

Witz DOESN'T Pick: That Sprint Commercial

I've kinda had it with the Sprint Commercial-- you know the one. It's the one where the guy is talking over the scene of glow stick lights in a park with people. And he says, "What did you dream about when you were a kid? Was it to go into space? Maybe you wanted to fly?" and then he drops the bomb, "Or maybe you dreamed of a magical glowing device that could store all of your music, photos, and email, along with making phone calls, while fitting into your pocket."

NO! Sorry, Sprint, but you went too far. Nothing against your products, but NOBODY in the EFFING UNIVERSE dreamt of that as a child and you should know better. First of all, when most people who can afford the phone were children, they didn't have mp3's, digital photos, cell phones, or email and NOBODY was dreaming of those capabilities, let alone some device that could mobilize and consolildate all of those things in your pocket. Secondly, THAT'S SUPER LAME AND DESTROYS AND DEMEANS THE IDEA OF DREAMS. People dream about being able to do things like YES, go to space, or YES, fly, or make movies, or build skyscrapers, or invent everlating candies (but not the gobstopper due to copyrights already in place). THEY DON'T dream of organizers and phones. What baffles me is that anyone at spring thought that the flow of the commercial didn't sound inadvertently hilarious. It's only slightly better than saying, "Maybe you dreamt of space, or flying, or maybe of a hybrid chimpanzee/zebra that could run for hours and swing from branches, averting all obstacles while still encompassing the sense and spirit of fun that chimps exhibit while throwing their feces." Only slightly better. I've seen the commercial too many times, and Sprint needs to do something to change-- they do have a great 7pm cell phone free minutes policy though-- so check that out.

Witz DOES Pick!:

Suave Shampoo: Ya know, I bought Suave for it's low low prices, and I might have even mentioned it before as a good cheap alternative for shampoo. But, it was only recently that I decided that I do, in fact, feel more suave after using it. I mean, after showering with suave, I towel off with just a little more shake in my hips and confidence in my eyes. When I look down and see my suave collection of excess hair gathering in the drain, I almost chuckle with the knowledge that I have just suaved myself and lessened other men in the eyes of the ladies of the world. Sometimes I feel almost too suave-- like when the two-in-one shampoo conditioner makes it so easy for me to take showers quickly that I'm able to ignore the fact that neither the conditioner nor the shampoo actually seem to be having any effect whatsoever on my hair. But hey-- fast showers are suave. It's like, "OMG-- he showered so fast, he must be really dextrous to wash that quickly-- do you think he has less body fat than other guys who take longer to shower due to the amount of body fat they have to wash?" Knowing I shower with Suave gives me that extra something in my stride that I think is noticeable, if only subconsciously. And for 2 dollars a bottle-- that's a great value.

Survivor Blog Avid Reader/Enemy: I'm apparently developing a hate-hate relationship with one of my tvfodder.com/survivor readers. This person seems to loath me and everything I write, but reads on a weekly basis for the last two seasons. What's baffling is that their primary function seems to be to correct me and point out things I missed or forgot. Recently, their function has been to hate on my jokes and ideas by not recognizing them as ideas. It's astounding. It's like if one of you commented that Suave shampoo is not actually that good and hair in a drain ISN'T actually sexy. Oh-- thanks. It's as though the entire concept of misinterpreting things amusingly or for the sake of a joke and the idea of taking what material is available and using it for humor is completely foreign to this person. I don't know what to make of it, but they keep on reading, so I'm pretty excited. Here's a clip:

Me:

The next thing we learn is that Leslie is going to do her damnest to fulfil my dislike for her. Leslie is the Christian Talk Show Radio Host in South Carolina. Here’s the quote of the night after she turns and WALKS OUT OF THE TEMPLE because she feels uncomfortable: “I’m not a religious person, but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” ….….((whisper)) Leslie…baby…got news for you—you ARE a religious person, and it’s ok to admit it.…I mean, COME ON! I’m not a religious person, I just have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Are we thinking about the same Jesus Christ or does she know another because as far as I know, Jesus Christ exists as a spiritual being and not some dude on the corner of Main St and MLK, Jr. Blvd. That’s like saying, “I’m not a baseball player, I just play first base for the Dodgers and get paid for it 162 games a year.” I HOPE she is a religious person, otherwise there’s a propped up corpse lying around Leslie’s home that she chats with and shares her popcorn with Weekend At Bernie’s style.

I also mentioned that one of the tribes had a "dope shelter"

Arch-Nemesis:

Maybe Leslie's meaning was "I'm not a religions fanatic but..."
o-----------
DOPE shelter?
o----------

Anyway, I think this is gonna be a lot of fun in the coming weeks, and while I realie that example wasn't the grandest of differing opinions, there's some more backstory and just take it as one example in a long line of corrections and grievances.

So that's all for this week. Check back on Monday when I will hopefully have the wherewithall to keep the streak of posts alive-- either way, I got to use wherewithall (probably incorrectly) and am excited for that-- so why don't you get excited for me? Keep checkin the podcast link on the right as I will keep adding radio broadcasts with punk, hip-hop, and indie tunes, along with the glory of radio banter. Plus, then you can read these posts with my voice in your head, like Grey's Anatomy only better, The Wonder Years only worse, or How I Met Your Mother of equal quality.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Especially When It's Yourself-- Example: Hey Baby, You Want Some of This Bitch? This Ho? I'll Do Whatever I Tell Myself To Do-- Shampoo? Cell Phone Ads? Cinnamon? He's A Pop Culture Slut...I Am...),
Witz

Witz Pickz: Pop-O-Craptic Trouble

I'm in over my head. I started listening to the radio and going to parties where they play those "Hit Songs" and now I feel like I should go climb under a desk and hide from the world (also, sometimes it's just really comfortable under a desk). You see, I now have at least three pop songs that I completely am obsessed with, and I feel both shame and pride. I feel shame in that I know that I shouldn't, as a music aficianado, like and want to spread the enjoyment to others of these songs. On the other hand, I'm kind of proud that I completely believe in my opinion that these songs are catchy as all hell and not too music snobby to cast them off as crap simply because I will lose all of your respect and my street cred for liking them. So, without further ado, here they are-- Don't Judge Me People:

Rihanna - Umbrella: Oh my dear God, have you heard this song? "Ella-ella-ay-ay." Holy SHITE-- NOBODY expected umbrellas to ever be this popular and catchy, except potentially literally if turned upside down. The song (at least my version?) kicks off with a Jay-Z intro, and the Jigga Man is like the doorkeeper making it ok for me to keep listening. And then, Rihanna comes in and it's all bumpin' and shit, and all I wanna do is DANCE BABY DANCE! "Under my umbrella-ella-ay-ay-ay" COME ON! It's like the taco bell crunch taco surpreme (modern classic). Honestly, I've been so into this song that if I'm bouncing to it alone in my apartment, shades closed, door locked, headphones on, I sometimes lose myself in the soft vocal bridge and just start interpretive dancing (which is kinda what all dancing looks like when you're white and Jewish) my ass off-- let's just say there's an ipod commercial coming out with my shadow in it. So get it-- just...GET IT. "Catch the dick" as they say.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl: My friend played this Wyclef single from the upcoming November album The Carnival II (cuz he realized The Carnival 1 was his only amazing album), and warned me "it's really pop, but so catchy" and he was absolutely right. The beat is catchy, the lyrics and hooks are catchy, and OH SNAP! DID I TELL YOU IT'S FEATURING AKON?? No longer creepin' in the shadows, Akon is now on Wyclef's new hit. SICK. "I'm a tell you, like you told me, cash rules everything 'round me, singing Dolla Dolla Bills Ya'all" AHHHHH. I don't know where to get this song really, but the version I have has some "Hot" DJ giving an annoying introduction.

Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come: I truly believed Rob Thomas was dead somewhere. If not physically, then at least mentally. Apparently, however, he's been constructing the greatest pseudo rock/pop/punk ripoff song I've heard in years. Or maybe he just thought up the idea to get a new producer. One way or the other, Rob Thomas is no longer just the executive producer of the now defunct Veronica Mars television series. He's the musician again-- and he's channeling Fall Out Boy. It still sounds like Matchbox 20 kinda, but Rob Thomas sings differently, the guitars are more basic and I think they try to do less and in doing so, they do more. There's one part in particular where the buildup and hesitation before the chorus sound EXACTLY like that one Fallout Boy hit that makes big jocks in the gym on their phone-tune-players sing "One time and one more time...etc (they don't say etc.)"-- shit, that just looks like the title of a Fallout Boy song now (see how I'm spelling Fall Out Boy two different ways? I'm tryin' em out to see which one I like). The chorus will be stuck in your head for days like it was stuck in mine and then you'll realize that Rob Thomas is kinda making the music you wish you were making and then you'll feel shamed again and find yourself under a desk wishing you had a Chipotle burrito-- unrelated. You can watch the "How Far We've Come" music video at http://www.matchbox20.com/

I Also Like Bear vs. Shark, The Blue Scholars, Parts & Labor, and The Impossibles, So Don't Judge Me,
Witz

P.S. Peep the new link on the right-- my radio show for KZSU Stanford is now up and podcasting. Follow the link to listen online or download the mp3 for your iPod or paste the link into your "Advanced" "Subscribe Podcast" box in itunes for consistent success! OR for you myspace folks, click HERE and bookmark it or add it to itunes.