Witz Flix: Airborne

(Eeeeeee! "Real heroes aren't made, they're AIRBORNE!") 

Thank God The Rapture didn't happen, because if it had, I wouldn't be able to watch and review this movie. Special thanks to my friend and reader, Burns Notice, who gave me the head's up and asked me to review Airborne. You'll understand why I'm so excited once you read this Netflix synopsis. My excitement is italicized: "When his parents leave for an extended trip, California surfing enthusiast Mitchell (Shane McDermott) goes to live with relatives in Cincinnati, where he has trouble adapting to the chilly environment -- and the cool reception he receives from his new classmates. With only his cousin (Seth Green) as a friend, Mitchell endures endless taunting. But things begin to change when he wows everyone with his rollerblading skills. Jack Black co-stars." RIGHT??? Let's get going... 

0 min: I'm already impressed. The movie's rated PG and yet there's apparently "Brief Nudity," "Adult Language," and "Mild Violence." 

1 min: It takes balls to open a movie with a "Suiting up to go rollerblading," montage: blades going on feet, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, and then...wait for it...hamstring stretches. All done in a timeless room with a black background. I got chills. 

3 min: Two dudes go rollerblading down a huge hill towards the waves of the California coast. If they're anything like me, they're going to hit a branch, black out, and have a dream where they meet Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in True Lies (yes, that really happened). 

4 min: Was 1994 really this awesome? Was rollerblading ever this cool?? And how does being able to rollerblade translate into being amazing at surfing? I feel like I'm watching someone play "California Games" with their 5 1/4" floppy disk for PC.  

(So, BMX racing was clearly the best event in the game, but at the end of the course, you just fell off a really high cliff and lost-- what the hell!?) 

6 min: "You guys were awesome today. Gracias." Yep, he's talking to his rollerblades. 

7 min: Man, even this kid's hair's got waves. He must really like surfing. 

8 min: I don't know who's more irresponsible: Mitchell's parents for going on an expedition to Australia and forcing their son to move in with relatives in Cincinnati, or the casting director who thought any of these people can act. We cut to snowy Ohio, with Mitchell looking very not stoked. And here's where I can already tell the genius in this movie lies: all signs point to a SNOWBOARDING movie right? WRONG. Rollerblading. Uncompromised vision. 

10 min: SETH GREEN! Is it better to say that he looks 14 now or that he looks 37 in the movie? 

11 min: If the banter in the car ride home scene is any indication, I'm not entirely sure this movie was scripted. 

12 min: Seth Green: You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down? Mitchell: I'm with you all the way, brah. 

14 min: They go to school and there's the obligatory "Mitchell not being able to handle crowded hallways" scene, which always confuses me. This is followed by the usual "getting the attention of the school bully" scene, this time with the bully being some small hispanic kid nicknamed Snake, probably because Cincinnatti is not a bastion of creativity. 

15 min: HOLY SHIT, JACK BLACK WAS A KID!? Try picturing Jack Black as NOT an overweight wacky guy-- can't do it, right? Well, it happened, and he's a douche. Mitchell and Seth go into their first class and everyone glares at them. Jack Black (aka Augie) is not a fan, but you know who is? Yep, some chick who wants to ride Mitchell's wave and is literally making him pick up what she's putting down as she pushes her book off the desk and watches as he picks it up for her. 

18 min: Hold on, I'm trying to figure out what just happened. Jack Black and his buddy hate Mitchell because he's the cock-blocking-est thing to come out of LA since Scientology. They go up to the front of the public speaking class and call Mitchell out, saying that surfing isn't a sport (which Mitchell never claimed it was) and that hockey is a real sport. Here's where they lost me: they then proclaim that Mitchell should try playing hockey-- "matter of fact man, we have a game against the Preps-- and we've never beaten the Preps. I'm not graduating without beating them, we're gonna kick butt today!" And everyone cheers and runs out of the classroom. So...are they asking Mitchell to play in the most important game of the season orrrr.... 

22 min: I've never been more confused in my life. Jack Black was wearing a Tim Riggins jacket, then they announced that two people were in trouble and couldn't play hockey, so they had to have Snake and Seth Green join the team because they didn't have enough people? Now, they're playing the Preps, losing 2-1 on a seemingly school sanctioned scoreboard, and one kid goes, "Let's go! First to three wins!" ..... WHAT????? 

26 min: Mitchell has a long conversation in the stands with a girl who looks a lot like Hilary Swank and has the personality of a Highlights Magazine. Seth Green gets knocked out, Mitchell has to play, and he shoots on the wrong net and scores, infuriating everyone on his team. Seth says that Mitchell's the one who cost them the game, but Mitchell goes, "Yeah, right." Dude, you shot the puck INTO your own net from the other side of the rink-- you know what's really mondo, brah? Taking responsibility for your actions. 

33 min: Revenge comes in the form of a series of pranks. Mitchell's desk falls apart, Seth is glued to his locker, sand is put in Mitchell's locker, and then, bafflingly, Mitchell is taking a luxurious shower at school and Jack Black steals his clothes. This is followed by Mitchell taking a luxurious shit at school and then finding that all the toilet paper has had water dumped on it so it's unusable. I went to grade school for 12 years and I can count the number of showers and craps I took on the premises on one hand-- why would you do these things and TAKE YOUR TIME doing them while in the midst of a siege of pranks? 

37 min: It took them 37 minutes to get to the part where Mitchell remembers he owns rollerblades and goes for a...blade...to feel better about life. The movie opened with a rollerblading montage. Just sayin... 

41 min: Mitchell runs into Million Dollar Baby as he skates past the park and they talk. She asks, "Hey, what are you doing right now?" to which he should have replied, "Uh, I'm fucking rollerblading, what does it look like?" but instead they cut to a botanical garden that she's way into. After a while, he ruins all tranquility the place has by rollerblading around and eventually getting them in trouble, but she thinks it's hiii-laaaaarious. I get why people hate this kid. 

43 min: Her: You must be homesick. Him: Not right now. Me: I just went from six to midnight. His metaphorical penis is literally inside her right now. They make a date for Friday. She's bringing a friend and he's bringing Seth Green. I hope he wears a backpack and goggles.

 

44 min: Holy rollers-- whatever rollerblading this movie lacked has been made up for in the last five minute montage. After hanging out with Swank, Mitchell rollerblades home, pulling tricks along the way and accrueing a hoard of wheeled followers. First some bikers follow behind him, then some skateboarders see him and follow along, and then other rollerbladers. They all come upon a magical Tony Hawk level style blading park where Mitchell performs tricks that even my super high college roommate couldn't pull off with his Game Cube controller. This is all set to hair metal and if I had to sum up what we learn it would be this: Mitchell really enjoys rollerblading. 

45 min: Mitchell waxes his board (not like that), then stands on it on his bed and imagines himself surfing. If anyone ever needed a water bed, it's this kid. 

48 min: They go on the double date, but the movie must have spaced out for a while, because it cuts directly to the part where Mitchell and Boys Don't Cry are alone. She asks him if he could have lunch with any three people dead or alive, who would he choose. He chooses a famous surfer, Gandhi, and her. She says, "Me? You could have lunch with anyone and you'd choose me?" to which he replies, "You're not just anyone-- you're the girl I'm definitely about to have sex with (paraphrasing that last part)," and they kiss. 51 min: Seth Green's date is not psyched to be there. To be fair, she grows up to look like this and he ends up looking EXACTLY THE SAME:

 

("G-L-O-R-I-A...") 

53 min: While the four are sitting at the diner table, one of the Preps from the hockey game, Blaine, shows up and starts being douchey. Apparently, he used to date Freedom Writers. 

54 min: Blaine grabs Seth's date and starts dance raping her-- by which I mean he forcefully makes her dance with him, not that he like, rapes her while doing the Macarena. Anyway, Unfrozen Caveman Seth Green steps in and tells him to back off. Blaine shoves him to the ground and is about to start in with The Next Karate Kid (yep, Hilary Swank was the next karate kid), when Jack aka the OTHER douchebag leader, shows up at the diner and stops him.  

55 min: Yep, Jack is the girl's brother. He also hates Mitchell, and honestly, the biggest problem with this movie is that Mitchell is a completely sarcastic, California surfer tool. He's so annoying that the two rival douchebags both hate him. 

56 min: This movie has the weird misconception that bullies won't start fights. Mitchell says, "You think calling me a few names, putting sand in my locker is gonna make me fight you? Well, you're wrong!" and just to remind everyone why they don't like him, he adds, "You're not worth it, brah!" Mitchell then ruins all chance of getting laid by concluding, "Nobody here is!" The last time someone cockblocked themself that badly it was Pauly Shore by being Pauly Shore:

 

(Bad news for Pauly Shore-- when you search google for him, Pauly from Jersey Shore comes up first...) 

58 min: Cue obligatory downward spiral montage: Seth Green is "seriously disappointed" in Mitchell, Mitchell tries to fix things with his girl, but he's wearing a fucking poncho while talking to her, so for some reason, she doesn't take him seriously. 

61 min: Mitchell falls asleep and dreams about surfing. This kid must piss the bed ALL the FREAKIN' TIME. 

62 min: Mitchell wakes up Seth Green at 3am to describe his dream, a situation best explaind by Dennis in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: "Dreams are like pictures: if I'm not in 'em and nobody's having sex, I'm not interested." Anyway, this dream answers the question, "How much can we shoehorn in this surfer theme?" The dream is about Mitchell riding the perfect wave, which apparently represents the girl he likes, and a shark who represents her understandably dickish and protective brother. The shark is trying to scare him away from the wave, but he says "the wave is mine." Mitchell declares, "You don't have to fight the shark to fight for the wave..." at which point Seth Green makes a face like he just realized he shouldn't have agreed to make this movie. 

63 min: Aw, hell yeah, rollerblades ARE the answer! Mitchell rides to where all the kids are playing street hockey, and also where there's an inordinate amount of plywood on the ground for him to skate on over gravel. The girl is there and his plan seems to be to win her back via a street hockey showdown. I'll admit, I'm pretty excited. You know who never won the girl by playing street hockey? Runs Around in His Sneakers Because He Doesn't Have Rollerblades Guy. 

65 min: The guys let Mitchell play so he can get his ass kicked. Instead, he skates through everyone, dekes the goalie, and scores a goal all by himself. This movie dramatically undervalues the necessity of stick-handling. 

67 min: Blaine tackles Mitchell at the next face off and everyone wants him to fight. Instead, Mitchell waits, refuses to fight, and then goes and pulls Blaine's pants down because he's a) non-violent and b) a little bitch. P.S. Thanks for the man-ass-crack, "Brief Nudity"... 

68 min: Mitchell's ability to evade the douchebags is entirely predicated on his ability to hop on rollerblades. Weak sauce, dude. 

70 min: Jack Black and the other guys all go to Mitchell's house and welcome him to the group since he pantsed Blaine. Jack Black says, "I guess we had you figured all wrong. I'm sorry man..." but he also looks like a child molester who has a vast number of skinned pets in his basement...

 

71 min: "We challenged the Preps to a rollerblade race-- we're gonna settle this thing once and for all." Very few people remember, but that's actually how the Cold War ended. 

72 min: 

SNAKE: Well, anyway, it's a bunch of hills Mitchell- it's pretty dangerous. 

MITCHELL: Then why do it? 

JACK BLAK: We're tired of being put down, treated like low life trash, losers-- 

SNAKE: We're somebody. This is our chance to prove it-- and we can only do it as a team! 

Did you feel that? I just got goosebumps. 

74 min: A big group of kids gather at the top of the hill, somber and clad in helmets, knee pads, goggles, gloves, padded sweatshirts, and of course, rollerblades. Blaine tells us, "The rules are: there are no rules-- anything goes." Everyone looks at each other intensely. 

75 min: A random girl we've never seen before announces, "The first team with three members across the finish line wins." You know what that sounds an awful lot like? A rule.... 

76 min: Hahaha, did I mention they're doing this down a hill on a road with cars on it? This movie feels like it was made by someone who really didn't understand what they were watching when they saw the X-Games on TV. Also, I think Jack Black might have just died, it's unclear. It was supposed to be funny because he eventually hit his crotch against a tree, but at that speed, he had to have taken some serious bodily damage. 

77 min: YESSS!! Close-up shot of the three leaders using their brakes to slow down! Take yer brakes off, nerds! 

80 min: Wow, they are really committed to this sequence; there hasn't been any quips or one-liners for the last 5 minutes. Just...Rollerblading. 

81 min: Ok, maybe this is because I work in events, but there is a severe lack of signage along this route. How the hell does everyone know where they're going? They're basically just weaving through suburban streets at this point. 

83 min: Aha! Case in point: Mitchell loses sight of the people in front of him and says, "Where did they go?" He has to stop and take a look. From a vantage point, he sees Snake and two Preps cross the finish line where a ridiculously large group of people are cheering everyone in. "If the Preps get one more person, they win!" Snake shouts angrily. 

84 min: Did the shredding guitars cause Mitchell to leap over the railing and soar through the air or did his leaping cause the guitars to shred? I like to think one could never exist without the other. 

85 min: Blaine takes out Jack, then lines Mitchell up to check him against the concrete unnecessarily. Mitchell ducks and Blaine checks himself into the concrete, flips over the edge, and crashes into the ocean. This is why Cincinnati can't have nice things (also see: Ken Griffey, Jr). 

86 min: Mitchell and Jack cross the finish line and the crowd goes crazy. More importantly, they marked the end of a TWELVE MINUTE ROLLERBLADING SEQUENCE WITHOUT DIALOGUE. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. 

87 min: Seth Green shows up in the back of a pickup truck and Gloria is there to kiss him. Mitchell, Jack, and Snake all high five, and it's pretty clear at this point that Jack Black is dead in the woods and Blaine just drowned in the river. Mitchell and his girl kiss in slow motion (which looks just like a normal long kiss except her eyelid kinda tweaks out like she's having a seizure), the screen fades to black and: 2nd Unit Director Steve Boyum. Powerful stuff. Then, presumably, Mitchell goes back to California with his parents. Huh. 

 I'll say this: for a movie named after a cold medication, it wasn't that bad. I can honestly say that with the exception of D2: The Mighty Ducks, no other movie I've seen has even come close to rivaling the rollerblading footage, and it's good to know that Year One or The Holiday are still Jack Black's worst movies. Mitchell was a real douche, but it turns out that the actor, Shane McDermott, now sells real estate in Galveston, Texas, so who's cool, now? I'll leave you with this quote from the man himself:

"Let me tell you what stylin' is. The perfect session: A-Frame wave, ground swell, spittin' out salt water in your face, doing a little lip action move, a 360 without a bounce. I call it a Liquid Drano Wannabe Bullwinkle. I tell you no lie, my friends. It's a consciousness raiser." 

Whoah, Witz

Witz Flix: Old Dogs

Old Dogs! I can't believe I forgot about Old Dogs!! The movie pulled a whopping 5% (FIVE PERCENT!!!) on Rotten Tomatoes, and stars Robin Williams, John Travolta, Seth Green, and Bernie Mac, in his final onscreen performance. As if that wasn't enough, it was nominated for 4 Razzie Awards including Worst Picture and Worst Actor: John Travolta. Just in case I wasn't already sold, this viewer review sealed it: "It doesn't measure up to 'Three Men and a Baby', which took this theme, and made a snappy film over twenty years ago and had a hit." IT DOESN'T MEASURE UP TO THREE MEN AND A BABY. Time to watch.



For those of you eager to watch at home, you can watch Old Dogs through Netflix streaming thanks to "Starz Play"-- Starz is basically the .99 cent store of subscription channels. Every now and then, you find a good deal on sunglasses, but mostly it's a big pile of dead batteries.

1 min: Did I mention this movie is made by the same people who made Wild Hogs?? Were they trying to re-use the letters from the marquee?

2 min: Robin Williams and John Travolta's characters have been best friends since childhood and run a marketing firm together. Williams is the quieter, introverted one and Travolta is the massive douchehound-- it's like Sideways, but reeking of desperation. In other news, Robin Williams has fully transitioned to an old lesbian.

3 min: So Robin Williams couldn't run eight feet because of his knees, but then he drills a soccer ball from 30 yards and hits some kid in the face? SOMEBODY write imdb and report a "Goof"!

4 min: Becky Katsopolis (aka Aunt Becky aka Lori Loughlin) is back! And yes, she's still hot.



6 min: Seth Green's gonna save this movie. I love him, but every time he does a movie like this I think, "Man, Seth Green walked away from Idle Hands with zero life lessons." Then again, he's kinda killin' it.

10 min: Robin Williams was in Good Morning Vietname at one point in his career.

13 min: Here's the rundown: Williams had a wife, they got divorced, then had a crazy night in Miami where he met a woman, married her, woke up hungover and got it annulled-- it's unclear if they had any marital sex or annul sex. Now, seven years later, the 2nd "wife" has contacted him. SO...

14 min: ...he goes to a tanning salon, gets way too tan, and comes out looking very dark. He's stared down angrily by a black woman, spoken to in Hindi by an Indian man, asked directions in Spanish, and finally called an Oompa Loompa by a small child. Transitive Property says: Old Dogs thinks black people look like Oompa Loompas.



15 min: Dan (Robin Williams) meets Vicky (2nd "wife" played by Kelly Preston) and she calls him TAN instead of DAN! Thank goodness his name wasn't Tigger.

16 min: They go to dinner, Robin Williams acts like he just smoked a lot of meth, tweaking out and twitching because he's nervous. Two little kids suddenly run up to the table and shout, "Daddy!" at which point Robin Williams realizes the horrific quality of the movie and passes out at the table.

18 min: "First let's get rid of that tan-- I know a few family tricks that will take it right off." No, you don't. You just didn't want to run that Soul Man gag the rest of the movie.



19 min: This single mom must have done something right, because these kids are taking the existence and inclusion of their absentee father VERY well.

20 min: Oh my. Finally a scene that rivals The Time Traveler's Wife in molestiness: Robin Williams takes his newfound son to the men's room for the first time (which sounds like a euphamism), and stands inside the stall while the seven year old kid sits lackadaisically on the toilet. First of all, what kid says they have to go to the bathroom and then has time to just sit there doing nothing, and secondly, are parents supposed to stand inside the stall like a bodyguard because that's what Robin Williams is doing.

That's not the molesty part though-- the kid then asks him to explain where babies come from. If I walked into a men's room and saw a man standing inside a stall, telling a child where babies come from?? I would-- listen, to make sure I had the right info-- but then I would immediately knock on that stall and get some security involved.

22 min: So HERE'S our setup: The mom is going to jail for two weeks because she's some kind of eco-terrorist protestor type. Her friend, who was supposed to take care of them, just got her hands slammed in the trunk of a car by Robin Williams, which we, presumably, don't care about because the woman had a lazy eye (making her barely people). "Who am I going to get, that I trust, to take care of my kids for two weeks??" she asks in a panic. Why, the guy who knocked you up, annulled your drunk marriage and who you haven't seen in seven years and has no experience with children, of course!

23 min: More like "One Man and His Children."

24 min: Travolta's gettin' roped into it. Fine. "Two Men and Some Children." (Yikes).

25 min: Aw, shit, I just laughed at a joke in Old Dogs. Whatever. "My grandkids call me NUB NUB!!" is obviously a good and well delivered line...

28 min: Amy Sedaris lives in Robin Williams' condo complex. In related news, Strangers With Candy still isn't funny, I don't care what anyone says.



30 min: Travolta's doing some kind of "white guy impersonating a gangsta black guy" impression, but it's as if he saw a comedian do that and is now doing a "comedian doing an impression of a white guy impersonating a gangsta black guy," impression. It's embarrassing.

31 min: I don't like it when people say, "They're the original odd couple." No, they're not, The Odd Couple was the original odd couple. Well, maybe Jesus & Judas...but otherwise it was The Odd Couple. Tell me you wouldn't watch a show called Jesus & Judas.


("Do work, son!")

Or better yet:


("This is the true story...of twelve apostles...picked to live near each other...to show what happens...when people stop being polite...and start getting real.")

32 min: Did you know Seth Green is 36? Did you know that John Travolta is married to Kelly Preston? Did you know that the daughter in this movie is their real daughter? Now you know everything.

33 min: Alright, fine, I'm ok laughing at some of these jokes, but if I come remotely close to getting choked up at any point, I'm heading straight to a therapist.

35 min: What...THE HELL...IS GOING ON?? First, Luis Guzman and Dax Shepard show up and now we're on a camping trip with Matt Dillon and Justin Long? Does Robin Williams still hold that much comedic sway even after RV, August Rush, License to Wed, Man of the Year, and his latest stand-up special?

40 min: I don't understand; why do camping and ultimate frisbee have to go together? Just because you like sleeping in the woods under the stars doesn't mean you don't know how to kick or throw a ball of some kind. Do you know why it's called "Ultimate" frisbee? Because that is the absolute most fun you can have with a frisbee. Stop trying to over sell your sport, it sounds desperate. Ya know what's better than Ultimate Frisbee? Regular Football.

45 min: The guys just took the wrong pills and are experiencing side effects. Nobody's gonna look good by my saying this but...this might be the best comedy performance Robin Williams has done in the last decade.

49 min: Sure, this is Old Dogs, but Seth Green's owning it.

50 min: Ya know, I think Christian Slater could show up at any moment and not only wouldn't I be the least bit surprised, but I'd be psyched. That goes for my every day life, too.



51 min: "You can't run a business if you can't get faxes on time!" What? Isn't that like saying, "I'll never get anything done without my pager!" or "Where will we store the images if not on a laser disc?"?

53 min: The highly-anticipated Bernie Mac! I'm sure he died content with the knowledge that his last onscreen performance came in the fifty-third minute of the movie-- nay-- the FILM, Old Dogs.

55 min: If I told you that Old Dogs needed to invent non-existent technology to fulfil its plot-line, would you believe me? Robin Williams is wearing "human puppet technology" that allows Travolta to remotely control his movements. Actually, I think my friend's girlfriend has that...

59 min: By the way, I'm assuming if you haven't seen Old Dogs, you absolutely do not give a shit what is taking place in the movie Old Dogs, so I'm not going into much plot detail.

62 min: "It's amazing. I left the kids with you out of desperation, but...now I couldn't have imagined doing it any differently." Thanks for the thematic recap. Even Old Dogs didn't think we've been paying attention to Old Dogs.

63 min: The kids have a list they call the "Dad List" which are a bunch of things they want to do with their dad. Now, Robin Williams is making a list. If you were wondering what the creepiest thing you could ever write down and underline is, the answer is, "Kids List."

70 min: Robin Williams bails on his big business deal to go be with his family and Travolta's going with him. Hey, these old dogs are learning new-- OHHHHHhhhh! That's stupid.

77 min: Travolta, Williams, and Seth Green are trying to sneak into the zoo to get to the kids' birthday party. They shoulda called this movie, "Two Men, Seth Green, and A Coupla Goddamn Kids."



80 min: Seth Green is being rocked to sleep by a gorilla. He's freaking out and repeating, "Just go to your happy place, just go to your happy place." Is it weird that my happy place would be getting rocked to sleep by a gorilla?

83 min: Aaaand Old Dogs clocks in at eighty-three minutes. Robin Williams and his family are gonna give it a go, Travolta's marrying Aunt Becky, and I can set down the Emergency Eye Gouging Spoon I've been holding all movie (as opposed to the No Need to Rush Eye Gouging Spoon?).

I'll leave you with this bit of trivia from IMDB: "The film was originally R-rated and was to be released by Touchstone Pictures, a branch of the Walt Disney company. However, due to poor test screenings, the film was heavily cut down from 107 minutes to 88 in order to achieve a PG rating. It was then distributed with the Walt Disney label in hopes of appealing to a more kid-friendly audience." I never had any interest in seeing Old Dogs, but now that I have, I would LOVE to see the original cut. Better yet, I'd like to take just that 20 minutes of cut footage and make a short out of it. I bet it'd be amazing.

Old Dogs Go to Heaven,
Witz