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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Things I Don't Understand

I just saw the trailer for The Wolfman and I'll say this: If I'm ever in a position to chain or tie up a man or creature who's strength I don't know, I'm gonna go, what some might call, overboard. Who are these people that haphazardly throw on restraints and say, "Yeah...that wooden chair and basic pair of shackles oughta do the trick."? And who are the ones thinking double-knots with rope are going to keep superhuman strength from breaking free? You know how many chains and ropes I'm going to use on The Wolfman? ALL OF THE CHAINS AND ROPES. I'm going to use ALL the chains. I'm going to tie him to something sturdy, and I'm PROBABLY going to put him in a sack up to his neck. Because it's a frickin' Wolfman! What do these townspeople think? "Well, these chains will hold a man...and they'll hold a wolf...so this should be enough to hold a Wolf-Man." Unbelievable.

Harry & David: After receiving peanut-butter filled pretzels, chocolate covered almonds, truffles, and a bag of pistachios from Harry & David this Christmas, it occurred to me that Harry & David might be the most openly gay company in America. When mentioning this to some people, I was shocked to find out that Harry and David are BROTHERS and not two gay guys. Right...of course they are...Harry and David are just two heterosexual brothers selling candy treats, delightful snacks, and kitchen goods. Oh, and boxes of pears.

HARRY: You know what would be totally fucking badass, David?
DAVID: What's that, Harold?
HARRY: High-end gift baskets!
DAVID: FUCK YEAH!
HARRY: Right??
DAVID: Hell yeah-- oh!
HARRY: What? What are you thinking?
DAVID: Wait for it...
HARRY: What is it??
DAVID: Three words: HOLIDAY. GIFT. TOWERS.
HARRY: HOLY SHIT-- you're like the George Washington Carver of mail order food stuffs.
DAVID:...
HARRY:...
DAVID: We should try hunting again.
HARRY: Yep.

I mean c'mon, they have a "Fruit-of-the-month-club!" These guys were closeted in 1930, but times have changed. It's time for Harry & David to come out and be heralded as the openly gay pioneers they have always been.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant:
There is actually a television show on (amusingly) The Learning Channel called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" and it's absolutely as literal as you don't want to believe it is. These women were unaware that they were pregnant right up until they actually gave birth to A BABY. The most astonishing thing about the show, to me, is that THERE IS MORE THAN ONE EPISODE! This has happened enough to create an entire series out of it. In fact, there's a second season!

From the few clips and stories I've seen and from what I've been told by fans of the show, there's pretty much one way things go down. They shouldn't call the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," they should call it, "Oops, I Pooped a Baby," because there is an astoundingly high number of women who think they need to eat more greens and the next thing they know, the toilet bowl is crying. Can you imagine a more terrifying situation?? Talk about life going from bad to worse. If that was me, I'd-- well, first I'd probably pass out from the pain-- but then I'd push, and then the baby would scream, and then I'd scream, and the baby would scream, and I'd flush, and the baby would scream, and I'd flush and scream, and then we'd both be screaming and crying and screaming and the person in Stall #2 would run out of that bathroom with a speed never before known possible. If you think walking back from a dorm room the morning after in the same clothes is a "Walk of Shame," try the walk back from the bathroom to your table at the restaurant with a goopy toilet baby that you didn't have on the way in.* Needless to say, this show is going to the top of the To Watch List, hopefully an an encore after The Jersey Shore.

"Our Daughter Learned To Swim At a VERY Young Age,"
Witz

*The only acceptable joke to make in that scenario is to reach back into the movie quote vault and make a "Do NOT go in there!" Ace Ventura reference.

BONUS FOOTAGE:

VILLAGER: Hi, I need to buy some chains...
CLERK: Oh yeah? What do you need them for?
VILLAGER: Well, we have kind of a Wolf...Man...situation.
CLERK: What, like, part wolf, part man, kinda thing?
VILLAGER: Exactly.
CLERK: Right. Well, these chains here are pretty good.
VILLAGER: Are they the best?
CLERK: No, but they're the best value.
VILLAGER: Alright, that sounds good. How many do you think I need? Like, one? What do you think? One? Maybe two?
CLERK: Yeah, I should think one would do the trick, but you might grab two just in case.
VILLAGER: Really? You're not just upselling me?
CLERK: No no no, not at all. But alright, here-- why don't you get the ONE chain, and then maybe grab a stool-- like one of those rickety ones over there.
VILLAGER: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
CLERK: Great, I'll give you a deal on the set.
VILLAGER: Oh yeah?
CLERK: Yeah, seems fair.
VILLAGER: Well, thank you, thank you very much. You'll give me a deal. How kind.
CLERK: Anything else?
VILLAGER: Uhhh, no, nope, ya know what, I think I'm great with this one chain and rickety stool, thanks. I mean, it's just a never before seen part man, part wolf creature with an untested amount of strength and dexterity...see you later!
CLERK: You absolutely will not.
VILLAGER: What's that?
CLERK: Have a good day!



SO many things here: Did you know that Danny DeVito and Arnold were reunited in Junior after having done Twins together?? Isn't that kind of a genre-specific reunion? Did you know that Emma Thompson was in Junior?? Did you realize that the tagline for Junior is "Nothing is inCONCEIVABLE?" Do you realize that they probably made the movie AFTER thinking of that pun? Do you realize that Arnold Schwartzenegger, star of JUNIOR, has the power to make major political decisions even after choosing to make Junior??

3 comments:

c8 said...

OK, so here's what I don't understand about "I didn't know I was pregnant." The same show was on TLC (go ahead, nod and think "of course it was, right after a baby story") and my favorite episode was about a woman who was having unprotected sex with more than one person, hadn't been getting her period, already had one son, but thought she was just bloated and eating bad hot dogs. REALLY?! You mean to tell me that not ONCE did it cross your mind that MAYBE you were pregnant?! I think the show should be called "I'm in denial that I might be pregnant, and think that if I refuse to admit I am the baby will just go away."

Witz said...

Re: c8 -- Hahahaha, that is AMAZING. I'd like A Baby Story to be the same exact narrative as told from the baby's perspective.

That story about the woman is ridiculous, but here's the real question: WHY DID SHE KEEP EATING HOT DOGS???

Thanks for reading,
Witz

c8 said...

Don't hot dogs prevent unwanted preganancy?