Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Witz DOESN’T Pick: Ruined Breakfast

I didn’t eat breakfast this morning. I wanted to. I love breakfast. I even brought a breakfast to work, but then, despite my growling stomach and burning stomach acid, I ended up going hungry until lunch. And you wanna know why? One four word phrase that can take a delicate morning snack and turn it into an A.M. fast: Fruit on the bottom.

That’s right—yogurt. Why is fruit on the bottom yogurt still for sale? It’s approximately 10 cents cheaper and infinitely worse. Does anybody actually like it? It tastes grainy, it’s sloppy to mix up, and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get all the fruit from the bottom to the rest of the cup. Try as you might, you will always end up at the bottom of that cup with a solid ¼ inch of blueberry, strawberry, etc. fruit jelly stuck in the recessed ring of the plastic. That’s a fact.

Mixed yogurt is smooth and delicious. Perfect balance of flavor and yogurt, not messy at all, and ultimately more satisfying. You don’t have to work for it, and there are an abundance of more flavors. You can’t mix up “Coconut Cream Pie” or “Pina Colada” from the bottom of a cup. Those flavors are what we connoisseurs call “artificial flavors,” but what you might simply call “delectable.” I have even found 8 oz. versions of the pre-mixed yogurt for the same price on sale as the fruit on the bottom kind. Yoplait usually comes in 6 oz. containers, but they still pack a better punch than the mix-it-yourself. I would dare to say that Yoplait started the unspoken promise that a tinfoil seal on your yogurt means the yogurt is pre-mixed. Fruit on the bottom still rocks the plastic lid, as if I might eat 4 oz of yogurt, and then decide to put the rest away for later.

But let’s take a look at the downside of pre-mixed yogurts for a second, to be fair. We all know there is only one downside—the cost. Why the hell are pre-mixed yogurts more expensive than other yogurt? ALL THEY DO IS MIX IT UP! Are they paying chefs $80 an hour to stir the yogurt themselves? What’s the story here? I would say that machines have to spin around using more electricity, but then, don’t they already need machines to place the layering of fruit and yogurt? Can’t they just buy new machines and get on with it? Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s a whole chunk of America (I’m guessing the interior red states) where the “wholesome values” still shine through to them in the form of un-mixed yogurt. Yogurt you have to work for— making you a part of the process. Working class yogurt. To them I say—Jesus Christ, just buy some Yoplait and toss your own wheat germ/grapenuts on there and have at it. It’ll be ok—you can enjoy the 21st century. And to those who don’t spend the extra 10 cents a cup for yogurt; you are the same ones who drive an extra 30 miles to get to a 2 cent cheaper per gallon gas station. You are the ones who voted for Bush because you wanted a 100 dollar tax refund that you could blow in one night eating at Applebee’s and going to see the “Are We Done Yet”/”Stomp the Yard” double-feature. Spend the extra buck on ten yogurts and remember what good yogurt tastes like. Or, if you’re like me, taste what a Boston Cream Pie could taste like, if it were, in fact, inexplicably baked into a tub of yogurt. Yoplait, you crazy geniuses.


P.S. I honestly had something to Pick this time around, but I forgot it. It’s been that type of week.


IrishGal said...

Not that you could take it to work or anything, but one of these days you should try Greek yogurt mixed (by you--sorry) with honey.


Sarasaur said...

The Boston cream pie flavor is the total bomb! Yeah, I just said the bomb. I use it in my waffle mix, you should try it, it makes your waffles super fluffy and the flavor is amazing! Mmmm...yogurt waffles. Can I ask how this abomination to real yogurt made its way into your fridge? I mean, doesn't it say on the label "fruit on bottom"? Not to make you feel worse or anything, but you totally just supported the fruit on bottom yogurt business, unwittingly perhaps, but still. For shame.