Thursday, March 22, 2007

Witz Pickz: Coal Turning Into Diamonds

It occurred to me recently how incredibly sweet it is that coal turns into diamonds. I mean, what are the odds of that? Granted, we are the ones who gave diamonds value....because they sparkle....and we're idiots....but still! It's pretty freakin' awesome! I mean ya got your coal, right...and then thousands of years! Anyway, I feel like that's one of the few things in life that inexplicably takes something crappy (albeit something that allows us to live the way we do) and turns it into something incredibly valuable. Take "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader." What are the odds that in a few thousand years (ok, let's give em a break-- a few thousand seconds) ends up being considered valuable and sought after? Same goes for Geraldo Rivera. Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Wow, really Witz? Takin' a shot at Geraldo after he's been around for oh so long and has done nothing to harm you?" Well, reader, yes, I am taking a shot at him, because I was on the edge of my seat when they opened Al Capone's vault, and that Giraldo stole my childhood.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, sparkle-coal. The other reason it's good that coal turns into diamonds is for the metaphorical implications. Whenever you see someone ugly or a tough situation, you can just say, "Remember, diamonds were coal before they underwent years of excrutiating pressure." On the other hand, when you put people under excrutiating amounts of pressure, they tend to do bad shoot themselves...or others. And then the price of stamps go up.

Anyway, here's some more pickz:

Raines: 10pm Thursdays on NBC
Jeff Goldblum! He's like coal! He was the Fly who was a human who turned into a fly. Then he was diamondous in Jurassic Park ("Must go faster") and then he turned into coal for like...15 years! But now he's diamonds all over again with Raines, the detective show where he sees people who don't exist, only instead of them being ghosts like in Medium or Ghost Whisperer, they are just in his crazy face head, so they can't provide him with any new info. I predict this show is good at the beginning and then gets less good as time goes on. Which is probably how owning diamond jewelry is.

Rosemary Triscuits:
Triscuits were always diamonds, but now Rosemary Triscuits allows them to be eaten independently of cheese. They are delicious-- try them.

They just make utopias seem that much better, don't they?


PS. The Wonder Boy Review comes out tomorrow (3/23) and it's gonna be sweet. So if you want a copy, electronic or otherwise, email

1 comment:

IrishGal said...

Deli Rye Triscuits are much better.