Friday, April 13, 2007

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Scarring Children For Life

I know, I know-- it's big move for me to NOT pick Scarring Children for Life, but since I haven't posted on the subject before, I thought I ought to make my position known. I'm against it. And because it's Friday the 13th, I'll tell you why.

When I was young-- younger than I ought to have been-- my friends and I watched the "Friday the 13th" movies during a sleepover birthday party. I don't know if it was actually Friday the 13th or if it was just some USA/TNT marathon, but we saw at least 3 full movies. Turns out that mental patients going crazy and hacking other people to pieces and then having Jason enter the picture and kill everyone else was not something I found UNfrightening. The whole mirror shot of someone is behind me "reveal" has always freaked me out, and this might have been the first time I saw it. 6 hours of terror later, we went to bed, or as I liked to call it, "Turned off the lights so I could glance around at the pitch black room, hearing every noise as a psychotic killer come to chop me into pieces." We were goofing around and making some noise, so instead of a psycho, it was my friend's mom who entered the room angrily. And let me tell you-- she almost got karate chopped/kicked by a dozen of her son's friends. I did not sleep that night.

After that night, I had a number of nightmares and when I was still envisioning monsters in closets and killers on the loose, it was always Jason Voorhees who was coming for me. It also led to this fun little nightmare:

Mulder from the X-Files is walking alone in old-town Europe-- I'm thinkin' Prague, though I've never been. Somethin's up, I know that for sure, and I can feel the evil, so my nightmares are apparently cliche. Anyway, Mulder steps on some bricks at an excavation site and suddenly the bricks break away and fall down a hole into some water. The splashing of the bricks (and checkout this sick Physics tie-in) against the water causes a body to float to the top, and that body is revealed to be...JASON from Friday the 13th. I see his eyes open and wake the hell up, because I don't need that shit.

So anyway, that is why I am against scarring children for life. Abuse, sexual, mental or physical I'm also against. The whole fake leaving your kid in a Supermarket also isn't spectacular, but I'd take it over the whole unseen murderer thing. I still occasionally think I'm going to look up into the mirror after shaving and have someone there, waiting to kill me and steal my shitty over-heating laptop and scattered coinage while my body drains into the bathtub. Here are some other things that I/we now fear thanks to horror movies:

-A hot naked girl randomly showing up in my home (possibly the worst consequence of a film ever)
-The Ocean
-Flesh eating bacteria-- alright, you got me, I always feared that one.

I wish it were Fry-day the 13th-- I'm hungry!



Sarasaur said...

When I was a wee little thing (or as my mom would say, when I was a little boy, which made all of us kids giggle like crazy) my mom took me to see E.T. Apparently one of the Freddy movies came out at the same time, and the theater here in Spokane had some guy dressed as Freddy for the premiere. He, however, made a monster (hahaha) mistake and walked into the wrong theater. I have never been so scared in my whole life. I can't remember how old I was, but I was wayyy too young to witness such a sight in person. And I was not the only one. Kids were crying, screaming, and I'm sure, like me, have had nightmares their entire lives. My folks got their money back, as I'm sure did many parents, but money can't buy you that warm fuzzy, safe feeling every youngster should have. I still get a little anxiety when I go to watch E.T. And other than Freddy vs. Jason, I have never been able to sit through a Freddy movie. Freddy vs. Jason was just lame. My parents should have sued.

IrishGal said...

The first horror movie I saw at a slumber party was Child's Play. As a result, I still to this day find talking dolls disturbing. Especially Teddy Ruxpin--get me the hell away from that thing.