Monday, June 28, 2010

Witz Pickz: Cultural Disbelief

There are certain conversations I just assumed I would never have. I never thought I'd actually have "the sex talk" with my mom right up until she shouted, "Just one drop, Witz! ONE DROP!!" at me after I bought my first girlfriend a silver-heart necklace.

I never thought I'd have a discussion about the show Medium (my sister and I did), I never thought I'd speak heatedly about the Project Runway season finale (guilty), and I never thought I'd have a conversation about whether The Game was a good movie or not until last Thursday night. I's THE GAME! It's not Rain Man or Braveheart, but it's a damn good movie. "I'll give you 100 dollars if you find a person who even heard of The Game, let alone likes it," My friend and Witz Pickz supporter, Chris, challenged me.

The conversation started when I said that Michael Douglas was a good actor. I was greeted with shock and was forced to list movies that I thought he was a good actor in: Wall Street, It Runs In the Family, Wonder Boys, Traffic, The American President, Falling Down, Fatal Attraction, and THE GAME. I was also able to simultaneously reveal to everyone present that I had a blog AND have seen Romancing the Stone-- so I have that going for me. Here's a picture of Michael Douglas looking like a squirrel:

Chris was incredulous. We asked around and everyone had either heard of, or liked The Game. Chris was unconvinced. So what do you people think? Am I crazy, here? The Game is sweet, right?? I'm baffled and still hoping I have 100 bucks coming my way. Yep-- that's how I'm making a living.*

I was similarly baffled when I was in Rite Aid the other day and saw that candy was buy one, get one free. That wasn't the baffling part-- the baffling part was that both Clark Bars and Whatchamacallits were in the mix. WHO in the HELLLL is buying either of those candy bars?? Have you ever bought one in your entire life? I'd say think hard, but you don't need to, because you absolutely have not. I'm not even saying they're bad bars (they are), just that given the options at every single candy bar outlet, there is simply never a time when anyone would choose those two bars over all of the other available options.

Do you even know what a Clark bar is? It's a worse Butterfinger bar. It's a Butterfinger bar that someone was able to lay their fingers on, and has since been repackaged with the word "CLARK" across the wrapper like a Wesley Clark campaign sticker. The ingredients aren't listed, but the nutrition facts read like a reverse Staples ad: "Vitamin A: 0%, Vitamin C: 0%." Hell yeah. I don't want to accidentally induce vitamins. I've only seen two kind of people eating a Clark bar-- the really old and the very homeless-- and BOTH need vitamins! Here's a Butterfinger poster that's weird in all the right places:

I have to assume the Whatchamacallit bar was introduced in 1978 by someone who was either really high or borderline illiterate. Here are some scenarios demonstrating why it doesn't make sense:

ANYONE: I made a new candy bar!
ME: Thank God, I'd hate to only have Snickers, Twix, Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Kit Kat, Skittles, M&M's, Hershey Bars, Crunch Bar, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth, Reese's Cups or Reese's Pieces as my options.
ANYONE: I told you never to mention Reese around me.
ME: The man is an institution.

ANYONE: What should I name it?
ME: I don't care.
ANYONE: That's what I should name it!
ME: What?
ANYONE: A "WhatshouldInameit!"
ME: Hm.

ANYONE: Dammit, but what will I call it?
ME: I don't care.
ANYONE: That's what I should name it!
ME: Huh?
ANYONE: A "WhatWillICallIt!"

ANYONE: Hand me that, please.
ME: Hand you what?
ANYONE: know...the whatcha-ma-call-it...
ME: The remote?
ME: The phone?
ME: I have no idea what you want.
ANYONE: The candy bar!
ME: You couldn't remember the phrase, "candy bar?" Jesus.

ANYONE: I decided to name it a "Whatchamacallit."
ME: What? Why?
ANYONE: Because, you know, when you want a candy bar, but you can't remember the name, you say, "I'd like a...oh man...a whatcha-ma-call-it!"
ME: Dude, who are you hanging around that can't remember the names of candy bars? You need new friends.
ME: "Oh man, I want the-- the-- one with multiple musketeers..."
ANYONE: No, but--
ME: "Ah shit, just get me the, uh, the circles that are like, parts of a whole, and belong to that dude..."
ME: How high are you right now?
ANYONE: I'm not--
ME: How high are you?
ANYONE:.....Reasonably high.
ME: Reasonably high.
ANYONE: Reasonably high.

The Whatchamacallit bar is basically a shitty granola bar with a little caramel and chocolate-- but did you know the Thingamajig bar existed? In 2009, Hershey's made a concerted effort to stop being so racist and introduced the "Thingamajig" bar, which as you can see in the picture, is the photo-negative version of the Whatchamacallit, and yes, to answer your question, it does seem to be much larger. I'm still anxiously awaiting the buddy flick with the two bars, presented by Tyler Perry and including Martin Lawrence.

Here's something: Have you ever seen a full sized Krackel bar? I sure haven't. If Krackel only comes in fun-size, then it's only logical to assume that a full size Krackel bar must be either wildly unentertaining or incredibly laborious. Keep an eye out and report back.

Who Are the People Watching These Shows: Two and a Half Men, Hung, Royal Pains, Psych, Bones, The Mentalist**, The Big Bang Theory, and Lie to Me?,

*Just don't try this one: "Yo, I bet you 500 dollars that at least one person in this bar liked Houseguest."

**I saw a dude today who I thought was the main guy from The Mentalist, and you have no idea how badly I wanted to ask him, "ARE YOU THE MENTALIST?" in a loud, monotone voice. For the record, the proper response is, "No, but I bet you are."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lots of stuff...
The Game is a masterpiece. I had no idea where it was taking me until the final credits started to roll, and I loved every mind-boggling second of it.
I each Whatchamacallit bars ALL the time. They're tasty. You should check out early commercials on YouTube if they have them (I mean, c'mon, YouTube has everything, doesn't it?) They're very much like the conversations you envision.
And I am one of the people who watch The Mentalist (Robin Tunney crush is my excuse), and Big Bang Theory (I think it's funny).
Now go and win that hundred bucks!
The Critic Wannabe